The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (72 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
Q. What doesn’t belong in this list: meat, eggs, wife, blow job?
A. Blow job: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blow job.
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he saw a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stopped and approached the guy. “What’s going on here?” he asked.
The guy sobbed, “I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up.”
The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. “I guess this isn’t your lucky day, pal!”
“I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” the doctor says.
“What’s the bad news?” asks the patient.
“The bad news is that, unfortunately, you’ve only got three months to live.”
The patient is taken back, “What’s the good news then, Doctor?”
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, “You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?”
The patient nods his head and the doctor replies, “I’m fucking her.”
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, “You want to play ‘Magic?’”
She says, “What’s that?”
He says, “We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear.”
A woman, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the examination, she shyly said, “My husband wants me to ask you...”
To which the doctor replies, “I know...I know...” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it,” the woman confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells, “Super pussy!”
The old man says, “I’ll have the soup.”
Three people—two men and one woman—and their dogs are in the vet’s waiting room. The first man’s dog asks the second man’s dog what he’s there for.
“They are putting me down.”
“Oh no,” says the first dog, “why?”
The second dog says, “Well, you see... I’ve been chasing the postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I’m going to be put to sleep.”
The second dog says, “Well, my master just completely remodelled the inside of his house. I didn’t like it because my scent wasn’t anywhere anymore. So, when he went to bed last night I pissed on everything I could find to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.”
The third dog says, “This is my master’s new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time with no clothes on. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, she bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I jumped on her and gave it to her good!”
The other dogs say, “So that’s why they are putting you to sleep?”
“No,” says the dog, “she is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!”
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed, either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home.
“What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in bed.”
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.”
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming, “Fujifoo, Fujifoo!!!” which the guy took to be pleasurable. The next day he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said, “Fujifoo.”
The Japanese clients looked confused and said, “No, you got the right hole.”
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: “What are you doing here today?”
Woman: “Oh, I’m here to donate some blood. They’re going to give me $5 for it.”
Man: “Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m hereto donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.”
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?”
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] “Unh-unh.”
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