The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (68 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

Hanging wallpaper is much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

A husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settle down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, “Hey, snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn’t quite ready for bye-byes yet.”

The wife takes the hint and says, “OK, but I have to use the bathroom first.” So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.

Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone, “Oh, my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?”

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterward, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts, “Clumsy bitch.”

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure the man’s dick in a vice.

Utterly terrified, the man screamed, “Stop, stop! You’re not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?”

“Nope,” replied the construction worker. “You are—I’m going to set the garage on fire.”

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

A. When his hand caught on fire.

A man with a bad stomach ache goes to the doctor where he is told the illness is quite serious but can be cured by a small dose of two suppositories inserted deep up his anal passage.

The doctor then tells the man to bend over while he shoves the first one all the way up. The doc then tells the man to repeat in six hours time.

At home six hours later, he can’t do it himself so asks his wife to help. After telling her what to do, she nods and puts one hand on his shoulder and shoves really hard. The man screams in disgust.

“What’s the matter?” asks the wife. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that he had both hands on my shoulders.”

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently, she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.

“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $49.99.”

One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local pharmacy and, while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year-old son.

It was a bag of gold coins (gold foil-covered chocolate candy coins). There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.

The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a gold coin condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the pharmacist, “What’s this?”

The woman, looking very serious, said, “That’s a condom, son.”

To which my son replied, “My daddy bought me some of these yesterday!”

With a disgusted look on her face, the pharmacist replied, “Those are NOT for children, young man.”

And finally, my son replied, “Then I’ll buy this one for my daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!”