The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (95 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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Q. Why did Frosty the snowman pull down his pants?

A. He heard the snow-blower coming.

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said, “This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?”

The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.” When she returned, she said, “The best we can do is ⅓ ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.”

Little Johnny was at school and his teacher was teaching the four basic food groups.

Johnny asks, “What food group do light bulbs fall into?”

His teacher replies, “Light bulbs are not edible and they don’t fall into any food group.”

Little Johnny insists that light bulbs are food because his dad eats light bulbs. The teacher tries to get Little Johnny to drop the subject, but he just would not let it go.

He says, “I know that light bulbs are edible because I heard my dad tell my mom that if she would turn off the light, he would eat it!”

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up naked in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring...

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor guy a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.

“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

The man replies, “It’s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I kept to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. I got all the way through school and got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS, so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I’m just Fred.”

The officer let him go without even a warning.

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performance as a lover. The first woman says, “My husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and chocolate before we make love. I like that.”

The second woman says, “My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.”

The third woman just shakes her head and says, “My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it.”

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening. She was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, “Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?”

She looked at him wistfully, smiled and replied, “Oh, yeah? Prove it.”

He frowned for a moment, then said, “Okay.” He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, “Well, I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t orgasm, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?”