The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (97 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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After the dance, Jill asked Jack to take her to Lovers’ Lane. Jack said, “No, you’re my sister! It would be really gross.”

Jill said, “We’ll just talk. We don’t talk anymore.”

So Jack said, “OK.”

They were at Lovers’ Lane talking, when Jill moved to the back seat and said, “Come on, Jack, take me.” Jack didn’t argue. When Jack moved on top of Jill, Jill murmured, “You’re a lot lighter than dad.”

Jack said, “I know. Mom told me last night.”

A couple drove down a country road not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the husband replied. “In-laws.”

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home really inebriated around midnight. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior. The friend listened and suggested, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways.” The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”

Harry replied in his inebriated state, “Heck, I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”

A guy visits the doctor and says, “Doc, I think I’ve got a sex problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”

The doctor says, “Come back tomorrow and bring her with you.”

The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, “Take off your clothes and lie on the table.”

She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, “You’re fine. She doesn’t give me a hard-on either.”

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and a pitchfork.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“I’m the Devil,” she responded.

“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister.”

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he’s curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal. It’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

“Well, I’m curious,” begs the man, “how long have you been wearing an earring?”

“Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

Q. What do you call a farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A. A pimp.

Two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska—as far north as they could go—and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked, “What’s that board for?”

The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”

They said, “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!”

The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.”

“Okay,” they said and left. The next year a guy came into the trader’s store and said, “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”

The trader said, “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”

“Yeah,” said the guy.

“Where is he?” asked the trader.

“I killed him,” said the guy.

Shocked, the trader asked, “Why?”

To which the guy replied, “I caught him in bed with my board!”