The Girl by the Thames (21 page)

The chain slid back and Lena opened the door. Liz tried to step in but Lena held her hand up to stop her. “Before you come in swear that you’re not going to do anything.”

“I swear. But there’s something you need to hear.”

“Okay. Be quick.” Lena let her in and the three of them went into the lounge. Liz sat down but Tanya and Lena remained standing. After a second, Liz stood back up again.

“Well?” Tanya asked.

“You know how Duff got arrested. Well Gem made himself leader after that. Nobody took him seriously so he got hold of another gun to force us to respect him.”

“Get to the point,” Tanya said.

“Okay. Being leader went to his head. He started bragging whenever we went out, letting everyone know he was in charge of the Niners. He starts trying to be a big shot waving his gun around. Anyway, we’re at this party and he pulls his gun out and starts showing off, telling everyone how he killed someone, an Indian guy. He kept going on and on about it. Everyone knew this weren’t good. There were loads of people at that party and I guess word got around. Two days later, he was found dumped in a skip – he’d been knifed in the back twenty times.”

“Shit,” said Tanya.

“Good,” said Lena. “Little prick got what he deserved. Murdering little shit. I hope he’s gone to hell.” All of Lena’s pent up fear spilled out of her mouth in the form of anger. She stood in front of Liz, staring wildly. “I hope they made him suffer. Twisted the knife good and hard. Anyway, why you telling me this?”

“I just thought you should know. No hard feelings and all that.”

“No hard feelings?” Lena leapt on to Liz, knocking her to the floor. Liz yelped and scrunched her eyes shut, as Lena sat on top of her with her arms around her throat. “You and your fucking gang.”

“Hey, Lena, get off her.” Tanya tried to pull her away by the arm. “It’s not her fault.” But Lena managed to shake free.

“Piss off, Tanya. Don’t take her side.”

“I’m not. But you knew what you were getting into, Lena. You joined a street gang for fuck’s sake. What did you expect?”

The room went quiet and they could both hear Liz struggling for air.

“Let her go,” Tanya said. “You’re killing her.”

Lena could see Liz’s face turning purple. She immediately released her hands and climbed off. Liz rolled on her side, coughing and spluttering, trying to gulp down as much air as possible. Tanya was at her side, helping her sit up.

“Take it easy, slow down, take small breaths.” She ran out of the room and returned with a glass of water. She held it to her mouth and Liz took small, grateful sips.

In the corner of the room, Lena had sunk down with her head in her hands, tears filtering through her fingers. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“It’s okay,” Liz croaked. “I deserved it.” She climbed to her feet, holding onto Tanya for balance.

“You gonna be okay?” Tanya asked.

“I’m fine, I gotta go.” Liz left the room and a second later they heard the front door close.

Tanya sat down on the floor beside her friend.

“Want to talk about it?”

There was no reply. Lena had stopped crying but now just stared blankly.

“Lena, I’m worried about you, I think we should try and talk about this.”

“We?” She finally reacted, “What? Are you my shrink now?”

“No, I just thought …”

“Leave me alone, and mind your own bollocks, okay.” Lena went into her bedroom and slammed the door hard making the frame rattle.

Next day Tanya was shaken out of her sleep by someone prodding her in the shoulder. “Tanya, Tanya, please wake up. You got to help me.” It was Lena’s mum.

Through blurry eyes, Tanya gradually focused and came out of a deep sleep to find Lena’s mum standing over her with a tear-streaked face.

“Wh-what’s the matter?” Tanya managed to say, wiping her eyes with the heels of her hand.

“It’s Lena, she’s gone and I found this. I think she might have done something terrible. Tanya help me, please.”

Tanya sat up in bed and read the scruffy note that Lena had left behind:

Mum, don’t come looking for me.

There’s something I have to do.

You won’t like it but it’s got to be done.

Don’t worry about me.

Lena 

“What’s going on, Tanya? It sounds like she’s – I can’t even say it.”

Tanya read the note again and again. All her sleepiness departed and she feared the worst but couldn’t let it show.

“It’s fine. I know what you’re thinking but I’m sure it isn’t that.”

“Come on, Tanya. What is she up to? You know her. She hasn’t been herself recently, and I ignored it – just thought it was a phase, and now this. I should have done something.”

“No, you’ve been a brilliant mum to Lena, and you’ve looked after me too. Stop beating yourself up. I’ll find her, okay, don’t worry.”

Tanya was up and dressed in seconds. She grabbed her phone and switched it on. There were no messages. She hit Lena’s number but as expected it went straight to voice mail. Then she went into Lena’s room and opened all her drawers and cupboards. All her clothes were still there, not a good sign. If Lena had run away, she’d have taken clothes with her. The fact she’d left them made Tanya worry she was going to do something stupid. Surely she wouldn’t end it all?

Tanya paced up and down trying to think. Going out to look for her seemed the next logical step, but she could be anywhere, and the note had said not to come looking for her, which made Tanya think she wasn’t going to be anywhere familiar. No matter how hard she tried to ignore it, the word ‘suicide’ kept popping up.

Tanya forced her self to examine the facts. Yes, Lena had been on the edge – scared, frightened and paranoid - were they symptoms of suicide? She didn’t know for sure. It seemed more likely that she would run away, rather than take her own life. The more she thought about it, the more it made sense. And Lena had mentioned running away before, that time by the burning car. The only problem with this theory was she didn’t take any clothes. Maybe it was a spur of the moment thing; she just upped and left without thinking too much about it.

Tanya went back into her bedroom where Lena’s mum was sitting on the bed smoking. Her hands shook.

“I think she’s run away,” Tanya announced.

“Run away? But why? Was it because of me?”

“No, not at all.” Tanya sat down on the bed next to her. “Lena got mixed up with a gang …”

Lena’s mum groaned.

“No, it’s okay, she’s out of all that now and the gang’s no more. She’s just got some stuff to sort out – I think she just needs some space.”

“But if she ran off, why did she leave all her clothes behind?”

“Thing is with Lena, she does things without thinking. I bet she had the idea to go and that was it; she just took off. Probably didn’t think about taking any stuff with her”

“Really?”

“I think so.”

“What shall we do now? I can’t just sit here worrying.”

“I’ll go and look for her. I’m sure she’s nearby.”

“But she could be anywhere. I’m going to call the police.”

“No, don’t get the police involved.”

“Why? Is she in trouble?”

“No, it’ll be fine, just let me look for her.”

Tanya held Lena’s mum’s hands to stop them shaking, but she snatched them away.

“Sorry, Tanya. I’m calling the police.”

“Please don’t do that.”

“I have to Tan, when you have kids you’ll understand.”

Lena’s mum left the room and called Woolwich police station to report her daughter as a missing person. Tanya could hear her giving them all Lena’s details: name, address, description, where she was last seen. But then she suddenly stopped.

“She’s what?” said Lena’s mum into the phone. “She’s with you. Oh my god. Thank you. Thank you.” Then she hung up.

“What’s going on, have they found her?” asked Tanya.

“She turned herself in, for being in the riots.”

Chapter 23

The coffee in the plastic cup wasn’t bad and gave Tanya something to do while she waited for Lena to appear. She glanced around at all the other people waiting at the circular tables in the visitors room. No-one seemed very comfortable being here, apart from a couple of toddlers who were taking advantage of a soft play area tucked in the corner.

Tanya tapped her foot against the floor. She was anxious and hadn’t seen Lena since she’d disappeared. Now she was an inmate at Holloway Prison, in the young offenders wing. She was worried about the state she’d find her in. Lena had been pretty fragile before all this and Tanya wondered if life inside had sent her over the edge permanently.

A thick red door opened at the end of the room. Two prison wardens stepped through and stood either side, followed by a line of teenage girls dressed in everyday clothes. Tanya had expected them to be dressed in bright orange jumpsuits, but they all looked casual, as if they’d just stepped out of McDonalds on Saturday lunchtime. As each one came through the door they scanned the room looking for their friends and family. As soon as they found them a smile would break across their face. Tanya hoped it would be the same case for Lena.

Then she saw her. She looked deathly pale but was chatting non-stop to the girl behind her. As soon as Tanya caught Lena’s eye she came bounding over and slotted herself in the chair opposite. Tanya slid over a cup of coffee and a packet of three biscuits she’d bought from the vending machine.

“Cheers, mate,” Lena said, slurping her drink and ripping into the biscuits.

“Don’t I even get a hello?” asked Tanya.

“Oh shit, sorry, mate,” she said through a mouthful of custard creams. “Hello.”

“So, come on, how is it in here?” She wanted to reach out and grab her hand and hug her, or slap her round the face and shake her for doing a disappearing act. But none of that would go down too well with a load of prison guards watching. Besides, she wanted to tread carefully in case Lena’s fragile mental state crumbled. But on first impressions, Lena just seemed hungry, almost not bothered about anything.

“I’m fine,” said Lena, in between munches.

“Come on, really? What’s it like? Are they treating you okay? I was worried about you?”

“I’m fine. Don’t be soft, it’s me.”

“But, you know, what about all those stories you hear?”

“Oh, they’re true, but I don’t get no trouble. I had three fights in here on the first three days and I won all of them. No-one bothers me now. The rest of the girls are cool. We have a laugh, watch TV and that, play cards. It’s okay.”

“Isn’t it boring?”

Lena popped another biscuit in her mouth and demolished it whole. “A bit. There’s no cigarettes, that’s the worst thing. First few days I was in a crap mood, withdrawal and all that. Those girls who picked on me didn’t stand a chance. Got any more food?”

“Yeah, what do you want?”

“Anything, more calories the better.”

Tanya went over to the vending machine and bought a Mars bar and a Snickers. She walked back and put them in front of Lena, who wasted no time tucking into the Snickers.

“I’ll save that for later,” she said, slipping the Mars bar into her jogging bottoms.

“Seems like you’ve swapped nicotine for sugar,” Tanya said.

“Yeah, got to have something going on. I’ve got one of them addictive personalities, so they tell me.”

“What? People can’t get enough of you?”

“Shut up, you know what I mean. I have to have a thing, whether its booze, fags or sugar - I’ll be the size of a house when I get out of here.”

“When will you get out?”

“Dunno, I’m being sentenced next week.”

“Are you nervous?”

“Nah. I don’t care. I want to do my time. Clean the slate.”

Tanya smiled. Lena looked happier than she’d been for a long time.

“What?” Lena said, chewing the last bit of Snickers.

“Nothing. You seem happy. I’m just surprised.”

“I am happy. Well, not exactly happy, I can think of better places to be. It’s just this is where I’m supposed to be.” Lena used her tongue to fish around her mouth for stray bits of chocolate. “Before, I thought my head was going to explode. All this bad stuff was in it. Starting that riot …”

“You didn’t start the riot.”

“Doesn’t matter. I was in it and that Indian boy got killed. I know what you’re going to say.
Gem did that, not me.
But I was there, in that shop, an accessory or whatever. We robbed it and someone got killed. I’ll have that on my conscience for the rest of my life. I need to pay for it, so whatever sentence they give me, I’ll do it.”

Tanya took another sip of coffee and Lena mirrored her. It had gone cold but neither of them cared.

“I was proper worried about you. And so was your mum. You just disappeared.”

“I know, sorry about that. Thinking about it, I should’ve done that differently.”

“Damn right. We thought you’d topped yourself.”

“Shit, sorry.”

“What were you thinking?”

“Dunno. It was a snap decision. I just had to do it, and I knew if I said anything you’d talk me out of it.”

“Yeah, I would’ve.”

Lena looked around the room at everyone as if searching for something, then she looked back at Tanya. “There was some crazy shit going on in my head, but you know what the weirdest thing was?”

“No.”

“That whale. I swear it did something to me.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. I felt strange after we rescued it, like…” Lena struggled to find the right words, then dismissed her own thoughts, waving them away. “… no, it’s stupid.”

“Go on, tell me.”

“It was sort of like seeing a ghost or something.”

“How do you mean?”

“Not a ghost exactly. Like seeing something you didn’t know existed. I’m not making any sense am I?”

“You are, go on.”

“When it got off the riverbank, shrugging all those people off like flies – it was like he wouldn’t let them drag him down. Do you know what I mean? It made me feel ashamed of myself. I’ve never felt like that before. Stupid, huh?”

“Not at all. I had the same feeling. It’s like you’ve been looking at the world though dirty windows or something and then suddenly everything becomes clearer.”

“Yeah, that’s it. Now everything’s not so shitty.”

The girls laughed.

“Hey,” said Lena. “Guess what? I’m doing school work again.”

“No way.”

“Yeah, you have to in here, but it’s really good. The teacher’s really helping me. I know I’m thick …”

“You’re not thick, Lena. You just get distracted that’s all.”

“Yeah, by booze and boys, well there’s none of that in here so it’s easier. Mrs Williams is really nice, really patient, she explains everything to me so I understand it, not like those wankers at that crappy school we went to.”

“Yeah that place was a waste of time.”

“Defo,” Lena said. Her eyebrows suddenly arched excitedly. “Oh, and I’m doing a plumbing course. Figure I might as well do something so I can get a job when I’m out, you know, help look after mum.”

“Plumbing?”

“Yeah, you can earn a ton of money, apparently.”

“Bloody hell, Lena, that’s great.”

A small silence hung between the two of them.

Tanya’s face became serious. “She’s worried about you. Sometimes I hear her crying at night.”

Lena looked down at the table and started playing with some biscuit crumbs. “That’s the only bad thing about this,” she said, still not looking up. “But I had to do it. Will you make sure she’s all right?”

“Course I will. Your mum’s been so good to me. I’d be in care right now if it wasn’t for her.”

“I know. She’s the best.” A small tear escaped from the corner of Lena’s eye. “I’ve put her through so much rubbish and she’s never had a go at me or shouted at me. When I get out I’m going to make it up to her. I’m going to earn tons of cash then we can all go away, the three of us on holiday.”

“She’d like that. So would I.”

“Hey, we could go whale watching.”

“That’s expensive, Lena. You have to go to Canada, I think.”

“Who cares, let’s do it. You, me and mum – it’d be brilliant.”

“Okay, it’s a deal.”

A buzzer sounded and one of the wardens stepped forward. “I’m afraid visiting time is over now,” he said in a monotone voice. “Could all visitors please make their way to the blue door you came in by. Inmates to the red door.”

Tanya stood up and smiled at her friend, “I’ll come by tomorrow if I can. But it might be the day after.”

Lena remained seated, staring up at her friend. She laughed. “Tan, it’s okay, I don’t expect you to come here every day. Get on with your life. I’m going to get on with mine once I’m out of here.”

“Okay, mate. I’ll see you soon.”

Tanya filed out with the rest of the visitors. She turned briefly to give Lena a wave goodbye, but she’d already gone.

Tanya walked back to the train station, glancing back at the huge shape of Holloway Prison, thinking about how Lena was in there, probably mucking around with the other girls. Strangely, it made her feel jealous. Not so much the company she was keeping but the purpose she had. Her life had meaning, of sorts. Lena had chosen the dark side and things had rapidly fallen apart, yet she seemed to be dealing with it.

Tanya on the other hand had nothing to show for it. She’d rejected gang life for something she thought was important. What could be more life-changing than saving a whale? Yet she couldn’t help feeling she was back to square one. Actually it was worse than square one. Her dad was in jail for nearly killing a man who had tried to help her. And on top of that she discovered her dad was a racist. It made Tanya feel even more alone in the world. She had a mum that didn’t want her and a violent father who hated the colour of her skin. Which was worse? She didn’t know. They were equally rubbish.

Tanya missed the whale and the purpose it’d given her. For a while she’d felt like she was a somebody. But now that had gone and she was adrift again. She wanted to call Greg and talk to him about it, he’d know what to do. But there was no way she could do that, not after what she’d put him through. She missed him so much, it gave her a hollow ache inside. And the guilt weighed heavy on her, like wearing a suit of rusty armour.

Tanya turned around and crossed over toward Caledonian Road tube station. She wanted time to think and she knew just the place to do it. She took the Piccadilly Line and rode it down to King’s Cross. There she changed and got on the Circle Line. It was the only route on the Underground that went round and round, never reaching the end of the line. She could ride it all day without having to get off. 

She sat next to an old lady who was asleep with her mouth open. In the past, Tanya would have thought about nicking her purse, but not now. She was done with that life; that much she was sure of. The old lady kept swaying, her head lolling like a nodding dog. Eventually it came to rest on Tanya’s shoulder.

Tanya thought about what Lena had said about getting on with your life. It was a throw-away comment, she knew that, but she had a point.

As the different tube stations punctuated her journey, Tanya saw people get off and on. Nobody remained on the tube for more than two or three stops. Even the old lady got off eventually. They all had places they needed to be and people they had to see.

Everyone except Tanya.

That was the problem. Tanya had no life. She’d sort of had a life before; it just wasn’t a very good one. Every night was about chasing down booze like a hunter, and every morning was for getting over hangovers.

Then the whale came along.

Tanya pulled out her phone and played back the video of the night when she first saw the whale. She’d often thought about putting it on Youtube. But every time she went to upload it, Tanya had stopped herself. It was the only thing she had that was of any true value. Nobody else had seen the whale that night, nobody except Tanya. That grainy, shaky piece of video taken on a cheap mobile phone was hers and hers alone. Watching it made her happy. But life was empty without the whale, and she sure as hell didn’t want to go back to binge drinking just to fill her time. So now she had nothing.

A recorded voice over the public address system told passengers that the next stop would be Bank. Tanya had no idea how many times she’d been around the Circle Line; it felt like she’d ridden it enough. But she had nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. The train came to a stop and the sliding doors opened. They were just about to close when Tanya sprang out of her seat and onto the platform. An idea had popped into her head, inspired by Lena of all people. She changed trains, got on the Docklands Light Railway and headed back to Woolwich.

It was a short walk through town to the Anglian College of London. Last time she’d been here was to pester students for booze. Now she was here for a completely different reason. Tanya swallowed hard, took a deep breath and pushed open the big wooden front door. Inside, it had that unmistakable smell of education: young bodies, disinfectant and dust. Tanya looked around unsure what to do next.