The Great Glowing Coils of the Universe (30 page)

This has been traffic.

You know, Lauren, the equipment in this studio is so old-fashioned. I hardly know how to use any of it. Nothing like the high-tech equipment we have back home in Desert Bluffs. But there are many reasons we have to do our broadcasting from here.

LAUREN:
It sends a message.

KEVIN:
It sure does. It sends several fun messages for everyone to enjoy. Anyway, the boys in Sales, who are all named Shawn, came by and with their help I was able to make this studio feel a little more like home. They put up a bit of a fuss about the changes, but that's just because no one likes change. There are some people who don't understand progress, you know.

LAUREN:
I'll miss the Shawns.

KEVIN:
I'll miss them too, but look how much nicer this place looks. You can see the Shawns' contributions all over the desk.

LAUREN:
And running down the walls. Yes, SO much nicer.

KEVIN:
And now, listeners, a deep rumbling sound, like a giant dragging its prone, misshapen body across baked, waterless earth.

[
Deep, rumbling sound
]

That's my favorite mandatory part of the daily broadcast. I don't know what it means. It's so fun!

LAUREN:
Hate to break in there, Kevin, but we're getting reports that there's another fuss down at the picnic.

KEVIN:
It looks like you're right, Lauren. Seems like the party is really taking off, doesn't it? Streamers and cupcakes everywhere. People are touching the volleyball nets, which they should not do, but they're learning. Or not them, other people watching them are learning. Wow, folks down here sure get wild at picnics. The helpful Strexcorp Picnic Overseer is explaining to them with bullhorns the best way to express their picnic joy, so the fuss should end pretty soon.

LAUREN:
Yes, the overseer is explaining to them. They are on the ground with their hands over their ears so that they can hear him better. Their mouths are open. No one has ever seen smiles quite like that. What an interesting way to smile! Their legs are kicking too, like they're still trying to dance.

KEVIN:
Oh my. Well, there's no music you fantastic, silly people. There's just an overseer explaining how parties work, and how work is the best party of all. You don't need to wriggle about like that.

LAUREN:
You're certainly right. There is no music at all. But, Kevin, do you know what there is?

KEVIN:
What is there, Lauren?

LAUREN:
Kevin, and all listeners out there, at the company picnic or illegally huddled in pitiful hiding spots that will be ferreted out, let's go now to . . . the weather.

WEATHER: “Stupid” by Brendan Maclean

KEVIN:
Here we are. The weather has passed, and we all know that the end of the broadcast is nearing. But don't worry. There will be another after, and another after that, and on and on. We aren't going anywhere.

The company picnic is settling down into the pleasant work party it was always meant to be. Those who had been wriggling around and smiling so oddly are now sitting cross-legged on the ground, happily at work. They will stay at the Company Picnic now. Everyone will. We will all be working from the company picnic so that everything can be organized and there will be no problems.

Listen, we are not completely unaware. We know that there has been some tension. Certain events that everyone regrets, although some regret them more than others. But we also know that nothing removes tension between rival towns quite like a picnic, a smile, and a song. Sing louder. Louder. Good.

There is a bright future ahead of us. It is so bright, blindingly bright. It is a future so filled with painful light that we have no choice but to close our eyes and walk serenely forward. And so don't worry about where you have come from. Don't worry about where you are going. Worry only about where your feet land in the now.

Where are you standing, and how much work are you getting done where you are standing? What value are you adding to the world? What are you worth? Those are the questions you should ask yourself. And don't worry if you forget to ask yourself. There will be people with clipboards who will come by soon to ask them for you.

That's all for today. Stay tuned next for bountiful blessings from a smiling god.

And so, from me, Kevin.

LAUREN:
And from Lauren here in the booth.

KEVIN:
As always, until next time, Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area. Until next time.

PROVERB: There's a difference between you're, your, and yarn. Yarn isn't even pronounced the same way. It's a completely different word.

EPISODE 48:

“RENOVATIONS”

JUNE 2, 2014

GUEST VOICES: KEVIN R. FREE AND LAUREN SHARPE

D
OOMED FLOATING CATS?

Framed pictures of teeth?

Angels exist? AND THEY'RE DANGEROUS??

Shit was getting real. Lauren and Kevin had taken over the Night Vale studio. I was getting Tumblr messages about how awful I was. I had been upgraded from just creepy.

Cool, whatever.

Kevin = the eyeless face of Evil. I had to face it. Even if Lauren was more evil, Kevin was in cahoots with her. FUN!

But this was the episode, as a listener—as a fan—where I realized that Cecil Palmer is a hero, a true champion of the weird. In this episode, Cecil Palmer was brave, and he encouraged Night Vale's listeners to be brave: “We must be the heroes we look for in others.” Forget the genius of the scene between Lauren and Kevin about the renovations—or, rather, don't forget it. Without the breezy malevolence of the Strexcorp puppets, we wouldn't be able to queasily appreciate Cecil's description of the terrors of the Company Picnic. And never mind the suspense Jeffrey and Joseph create leading up to “He is holding a cat,” which is just—HOLY SHIT! NEVER MIND THAT BECAUSE YES IT IS AMAZING. But then—THEN we get to Cecil's words to Night Vale about standing up for themselves so that they can BE THEMSELVES. I had never been so excited about a “Be Yourself” message in my life. But, in the moment I read it, it was real. Mighty real.

It was recording this episode that I realized, no matter how much I love playing Kevin of Desert Bluffs, Kevin R. Free stands with Night Vale.

—Kevin R. Free, Voice of Strexcorp's Kevin

KEVIN: True beauty is on the inside, where everything is red and glistening and full of practical organs and sharp rocks.

WELCOME TO THE GREATER DESERT BLUFFS METROPOLITAN AREA.

Hello, listeners. You look nice today. This is an assumption, but it is a safe assumption. I am positive you look nice. Yes, a very safe assumption. Probably the safest of the many, many assumptions I'll make today.

LAUREN:
It's a very good day, Kevin. The Company Picnic is still going strong. It's been over two weeks and every resident of Night Vale—

KEVIN:
—and by extension, every employee of Strexcorp—

LAUREN:
—has been enjoying our First Annual Company Picnic of Indeterminate Length.

KEVIN:
So many fun activities, Lauren, nobody wants to leave.

LAUREN:
Nobody can leave.

KEVIN:
But they wouldn't want to.

LAUREN:
Oh, absolutely not. Not with all the fun activities, like work . . .

KEVIN:
[
After a beat
] Yes.

LAUREN:
But there's even more exciting news, we are renovating this old radio station. We redecorated the studio a couple weeks back, but now that we have so many new Strexcorp employees arriving each week, we wanted to create a welcoming, work-friendly office for them.

KEVIN:
Right, it's always exciting to get a new job, to take on a new career. You know that thrilling moment, after all the résumés and letters and interviews. That moment when one day a van pulls up next to you, say, just outside your favorite ice cream store, or on the sidewalk outside your girlfriend's house, and you are blindfolded and sedated and lightly beaten and driven around in seemingly random directions and then after breaking down spiritually, hurled upon the concrete front steps of your new office, ready to start your new career! This is an exciting moment in anyone's professional life.

LAUREN:
And here at Strexcorp we want that excitement to continue. So we're remodeling and redecorating this old building. We've added some new sales offices, a Room of Questioning complete with fun steel chairs and executive restraints, and lots of wonderful framed paintings of human teeth. We're even completely redoing the bathrooms.

KEVIN:
Which reminds me, there are some stray cats floating at various heights in the men's room here at the station. They look to be about a year old. If you want them, come get them before the demolition crew arrives this afternoon.

LAUREN:
Good point. I'll send our producer, Daniel, in there to take some pictures of the little guys. We'll post them to the website, and listeners can figure out which ones they want to take and then come get them.

KEVIN:
Unfortunately, everyone's having too much fun at the Company Picnic. I doubt anyone will have any time or the physical ability to leave the picnic and adopt a stray floating cat.

LAUREN:
Oh, too bad. Well, I'll have Daniel post the photos anyway, just so you can all see what you're missing.

KEVIN:
And now a word from our sponsors.

LAUREN:
Thanks, Kevin. Listeners, are you cold? Just a little bit? Feel a thin chill on your skin?

KEVIN:
Maybe you've wrapped your arms over each other, and you're rubbing them softly but vigorously.

LAUREN:
You're so cold.

KEVIN:
And now you've pulled your arms entirely into your shirt trying to maximize the body heat of skin contact. You've pulled in your arms and you're rocking your body forward and back.

LAUREN:
What about your ears and nose? So very very cold.

KEVIN:
Ask a friend to borrow a sweater. Try that. Go on. No one is around? Uh oh. You don't actually know a single person do you?

LAUREN:
Your life may be a total lie.

KEVIN:
Well, at best a fever dream.

LAUREN:
Or someone else's night terror.

KEVIN:
That's probably it.

LAUREN:
You're very cold.

KEVIN:
And no one to help you or hear you. Look around. All gray, windowless walls, right?

LAUREN:
Not even a door.

KEVIN:
How much air do you have left? How are you even breathing?

LAUREN:
There can't be much air left.

KEVIN:
This message brought to you by Best Buy.

LAUREN:
Best Buy: Conserve your oxygen.

Listeners, the renovations have brought so much joy here to the radio station that we thought we'd extend the fun throughout the town of Night Vale. We've sent our contractors all over the city to tear down other things too, like the abandoned missile silo outside of town, several active but low-achieving elementary schools, and that weird forest along the eastern edge of Night Vale.

KEVIN:
Oh, I know that forest. It's a really nice forest. It complimented my outfit as I drove past it the other day. It whispered: “That vest fits you well, Kevin.” It also whispered: “You have a clever and colorful fashion sense. You are a delight to be near.”

LAUREN:
That forest never whispers anything at me.

KEVIN:
I actually stopped my car along the side of the road, because I was feeling welcomed, even beckoned by such a nice community of trees. But as I approached it whispered: “No! Your eyes. No, please go. Please, leave us be.” And I did, because I have such a healthy respect for nature.

LAUREN:
I know you do. Vile, vile nature. Anyway, we're tearing that forest down to build a new corporate training facility.

KEVIN:
Great!

LAUREN:
We've also hired the small civilization living under lane five of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. Since building owner Teddy Williams is busy at the Company Picnic and hasn't paid his lease, the small army of tiny people are using the building as a headquarters. They've renamed it The Cathedral of Huntokar, after their god.

KEVIN:
They've also torn down the Arby's and put in a contemporary sculpture, which is a one-to-one scale model replica of the Arby's they just tore down.

LAUREN:
It feels so good to redecorate.