The Great Glowing Coils of the Universe (29 page)

I'm . . . um . . . I've got guests in my studio. I don't know how they undid my secure barricade made of cardboard signs that said
KEEP OUT
! and
SECRET ROOM
! in all caps with an exclamation point, but it's my program director, Lauren, and some man I've never seen bef— but no, I have seen him before. Where have I seen you before?

They do not look happy, Night Vale. Lauren and the stranger are smiling widely. Their teeth white, lips pink, their eyes full but tight, deep dimples making their tiny noses into parenthetical asides. They are smiling, but they look very unhappy.

Perhaps it is time to sign off for the day. I am sure to speak to you again very soon, listeners.

Stay tuned next for the gentle sounds of forgiveness and a lilting melody of wounds healing.

And until next time, Good Night, Night Va— Hey. Hey. No. What are yo—

PROVERB: If you love something, set it free. If it starts flying around and chirping, it was probably a bird.

EPISODE 47:

“COMPANY PICNIC”

MAY 15, 2014

GUEST VOICES: LAUREN SHARPE AND KEVIN R. FREE

T
HIS IS WHERE WE KNEW THINGS WERE GOING FOR A LONG TIME
. A
ND
with the duo of Kevin and Lauren (both the characters and the fantastic actors), we had the opportunity to really stretch our legs back into the world of Desert Bluffs's terrifying cheerfulness for the first time since episode 19, “The Sandstorm,” while also poking our listeners with the ominous feeling of an entire episode with no mention at all of our usual narrator. It was a lot of fun to write, and a lot of fun to make.

The original Desert Bluffs soundtrack was recorded by me in a frantic few days before leaving for a trip. By the time these episodes rolled around, I hadn't had time to touch my instruments in months, and I just didn't think I was going to be able to do anything that sounded halfway workable without some serious practicing, which, going back to the source of this problem, I just didn't have time to do. So I reused the tracks from episode 19, and did my best to pace them out in a way that it wouldn't be a problem to have only four songs for two entire episodes. I think you wouldn't even notice it unless someone pointed it out to you, say as part of a behind-the-scenes intro in a book.

I recorded Kevin and Lauren together in my office in Brooklyn, and I want to tell you that this episode and the one that follows it were recorded more or less in real time. Almost everything was a first take, and there were very few breaks between takes. They are just both that great at performing.

—Joseph Fink

LAUREN: Snow is falling somewhere. Many things are falling or will fall or have fallen. But temporary triumph is still triumph.

WELCOME TO THE GREATER DESERT BLUFFS METROPOLITAN AREA.

Hello, listeners. Another day, another broadcast, another chance to reach out and commune with you aurally. It has been a couple weeks since we began speaking to you directly, with no filters or reinterpretation in the way. And we have forgotten all about anything any of you might have done. Strexcorp is proud to say that we have carefully recorded and cataloged everything you've ever done, and also we have forgotten it all. Don't worry about it. Let us worry about it for you.

Without worry, you are free to be as efficient and productive as we all dream of being. We all dream every night of our jobs and of efficiency and of the deep chasm of consequence and retribution if we are not as productive as we need to be. Those recurring dreams are just one of the many ways Strexcorp is happy to fill your waking hours and your timeless sleep.

Since we've consolidated all our community radio stations into one broadcast network, we no longer need ask why one town is doing what another isn't. We can stop focusing on our differences and instead focus on our similarities, our commonalities. For instance: the future. We all share that, don't we?

KEVIN:
We sure do!

LAUREN:
Why, hello again, Kevin! Listeners, you know Kevin. He's the longtime host at Desert Bluffs Radio, Incorporated, and a new host here on Night Vale Community Radio, where he'll be broadcasting full time. Welcome Kevin. It's nice to finally have you here in this studio.

KEVIN:
Thank you, Lauren. But you know, I don't like the adjectives “new” or “longtime.” They suggest there was a past before me. I am not new. I am now. We are all now, a now that moves forward at a constant speed and direction. Our present is always becoming the future. We all have that in common. We have the future. And that future is everything. And it is ours to share.

I'm happy to finally be on the air with you all in Night Vale.

LAUREN:
I'm happy you're here too, Kevin. Things have been so good lately, haven't they? We caught the teenage felon who's been terrorizing the town. We got our helicopters back. We brought you here. All those terrible doors that appeared a couple weeks ago have suddenly disappeared and no one can see the lies inside them anymore. And your producer, Daniel, tells me that just a few days ago we arrested a group of five people in lab coats who had been loitering about and trespassing on Cynthia Cabrera's house in the Desert Creek development.

KEVIN:
How scary. Well, that
is
good news.

LAUREN:
Yes. Great news. Or almost great. There is one scientist we expected to find there and we did not find him. He has such perfect hair. Think of what would happen if he had agreed to add that perfect hair and those perfect teeth into our resources. It just makes you want to spit wh— I'm sorry. Such a vulgar word. Let me try that again. It just makes you want to . . . not smile—to not smile hard at all—when people work against productivity that way. Ah well, we'll find him soon enough. We find everyone we look for. We're just fantastic at our jobs.

KEVIN:
It feels good to have a crime-free tomorrow, doesn't it? It makes any crimes that happen today feel justified.

Well, Lauren, let's start things off with news about . . . Strexcorp!

LAUREN:
Oh, yay!

KEVIN:
In an act that is just super benevolent, Strex is giving all workers a day off today for a company picnic.

LAUREN:
Wow, Kevin!

KEVIN:
You're right, “wow,” Lauren. The company picnic is being held in Mission Grove Park. So head over there right now everybody and look for the balloons and banners. You have to go there now. Stop what you are doing and go to the park. Follow any signs you see and any spoken directives from the uniformed Strexcorp Picnic Captains. They're there to make sure you have a good time and that you don't leave the picnic early. It would be a real shame to leave early from such a welcoming and mandatory picnic. Head on over right now. Do it. Do it now.

And now, the community calendar.

Tuesday is Work Day. All Stexcorp-owned homes and businesses, which is to say all homes and businesses, should work all day in their most productive and enthusiastic way. Work is how we all become better people. You do want to become a better person, right? You want to be valued? You want to have value? You want your value, numerically speaking, to increase? Then work. It's Work Day.

Wednesday is Work Day. Keep working, Strexcorp employees. Don't stop!

Thursday through Sunday are also Work Days. Wow, what an exciting and productive week we have coming up here in the Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area!

Monday is a lie that someone once told you in order to poison you against the idea of starting your workweek. Who told you this lie? Point them out to us, and we'll make sure that they don't tell you any more lies. Isn't that nice? Just honest folks dealing honestly with other honest folks. Just point out the liar and denounce them.

This has been the community calendar.

Well, the company picnic in Mission Grove is in full swing. Everyone is exposing their teeth and moving their arms. There are signs posted showing how to move your face and body to indicate maximum fun. There are also snacks. They are on the picnic tables with the paper tablecloths, next to the Strexcorp Picnic Captains. Don't worry about the friendly officers. Grab a cupcake. You've earned it! If you've done enough work hours, you've earned it! If you haven't earned however many snacks you take, the Picnic Captains will let you know.

LAUREN:
Unfortunately it's not all good news, Kevin.

KEVIN:
Oh no?

LAUREN:
It seems there have been some party poopers who haven't made it to the picnic yet or who have tried to leave early. But that's okay! Strexcorp threw this party as a treat for their hardworking employees and also so that they could learn who the party poopers were.

We know the party poopers now, and we're playfully letting them know that they are party poopers. We are putting heavy stone hats on them that say “Party Pooper” until they are agreeable. It's important to work hard, but it's also important to play hard. But mostly it's important to work hard.

KEVIN:
It's very important to work hard.

LAUREN:
It sure is!

KEVIN:
So important. More important than life itself.

LAUREN:
[
Quietly
] It sure is.

KEVIN:
We have gotten some questions about this, and yes, of course, the Night Vale mayoral election is still a go for a month from now. It turns out that there's no way to stop it once it starts. All the machines and the pulsing in Hidden Gorge. There's just no way to turn that off without having an election, so we're proud to say we're upholding democracy by having that election no matter what. Both candidates, Hiram McDaniels and the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home, released a statement through Strexcorp saying, “We couldn't care less who wins. The important thing is that Night Vale is well served in its relationship with the Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area business community. This is the key to economic prosperity, and a future that is in harmony with a smiling god.”

LAUREN:
I couldn't agree more! I just want to vote for both of them.

KEVIN:
Me too! But you can't. It's very illegal. Do not try, or the lawbreaking will be dealt with.

And now a word from our sponsors. Lauren?

LAUREN:
Thanks, Kev. Can I call you Kev?

KEVIN:
Haha. No Lauren, by no means.

LAUREN:
Thanks, Kevin. Today's sponsor is . . . oh my, looks like it happens to be Strexcorp. Strexcorp. Like dew from the sky. Like a cloud that dissipates only to come again as other clouds. Like the sun. Like a hate-filled thought that you fail to suppress. Like biting down on a fistful of sand. Like words that once held meaning. Like the sun. Like an enemy hiding in the depths of your own body. Like the enemy that is your own body. Like a thought you wish you could have but don't. Like a smiling god. Like the sun. Strexcorp. Go to sleep.

KEVIN:
Wow, that was catchy. You know, every time I hear the start of one of those ads I just can't help but hum the rest.

LAUREN:
None of us can help that. None of us have been able to for years.

And now traffic.

KEVIN:
That's right Lauren.

It's slow-and-go around the Company Picnic, as it should be. Lots of people crowded in there, surrounded by streamers and balloons and volleyball nets that should not be touched or climbed. The Company Picnic is where everyone should be. Plus! Strexcorp has announced—how exciting is this?—they've announced that the Company Picnic will be continuing on indefinitely, that the party is so good that they just couldn't bring themselves to end it. So everyone will live at the Company Picnic now, in between the streamers and the balloons and the tall, electrified, metal volleyball nets. They will work there too. They will work there until all the work is done. Until it is, all of this, finished. Then we will truly have been productive. Then truly, we will have worked hard and played hard.