The Grown-Up's Guide to Running Away from Home, Second Edition: Making a New Life Abroad (14 page)
Read The Grown-Up's Guide to Running Away from Home, Second Edition: Making a New Life Abroad Online
Authors: Rosanne Knorr
Before you purchase, know yourself and what you truly are looking for. Don’t be swayed by others’ ideas of the perfect home. Then be prepared to spend lots of time and shoe leather looking.
• Rent in the area first and explore well to uncover the best values.
• Know the weather in all seasons. What’s pleasantly cool in summer could be cold and damp in winter.
• Consider the location for ease of transportation, especially if you plan to travel often or want visitors from home. If the house is within close proximity to a train station or an international airport, you’ll see friends and family more often; whether that’s good or bad depends on your penchant for visitors.
• Location affects transportation costs. If gas is expensive, you may want closer access to markets or public transportation.
• Determine how much work you’re willing to do on the house. You’ll pay less for a fixer-upper, but will have to pay for the labor or spend time doing it yourself. Will you enjoy fixing up that Spanish villa with the stone walls, or would you rather take up other activities?
• Have a respected local builder or architect inspect the house before you buy. Building methods overseas are different and may be difficult for you to evaluate yourself.
• Be sure all the amenities you see are actually included in the price. Don’t take anything for granted, as customs are different overseas; frequently people don’t leave many of the things we take for granted here in the States. People have been known to buy a house only to walk in and find nothing but the bare walls—no appliances, no light fixtures, and one expat even found the prior owner had taken the doorknobs.
• Electricity and fuel costs are often more expensive overseas, so check that the home is well insulated and has an affordable heating system.
On one of my vacations we decided to try to buy a house, but it took about five years to get completed. People kept running off with the money. I likened our house to a chain letter; if you were at the beginning, you got your house. Luckily we were, and took title in 1991. The pool didn’t get finished until three years later, but it’s still my favorite house
.
—Susan, Caracas, Venezuela
For many locations abroad, specialized books go into much more detail than I can here. If you decide to purchase, research the process thoroughly. Destination books offer valuable tips, not only on purchasing a home but
also on countless other aspects of specific countries. Among these are the
Living and Working in …
guides, my own
The Grown-Up’s Guide to Living in France
, and countless others. Check your bookstore or favorite online book site. Or ask the consulate or other expats at your destination for books they’d recommend. In any case, before buying a home, see an attorney who understands not only home purchase in that location but your own situation as a foreign buyer.
Transplanting Family, Fido, ’n’ Fluffy
Traveling in the company of those we love is home in motion
.
—Leigh Hunt
As an adult runaway, your actions will impact more lives than your own. If you’re married, presumably you and your spouse will be running away together. (If you are just plain running away by yourself, it’s called divorce.) The challenge will be to ensure that you both are eager for the adventure.
Your move will affect children still living with you; even those who are grown, gone, and proud of their independence may suddenly feel deserted. You may have grandchildren. Your aging parents or other relatives may rely on you for emotional or material support. And you may have loyal four-legged members of the family.
Your decision to leave the States will affect all of these loved ones to a greater or lesser degree. As an adult runaway, you’ll want to handle the transition responsibly, helping them accept and enjoy the experience, whether they travel with you or share the experience vicariously through correspondence.
In our case, we waited until the last child was completely on her own. We also stayed for our parents, as they were in ill health. We’re glad we did, because we would have been concerned about them, and I’m convinced that the extra time to dream, plan, and budget helped the adventure proceed as smoothly as it eventually did.
You don’t need to be impatient. If you can’t take your adventure for three, five, or seven years due to family concerns, make the waiting years enjoyable and beneficial. Learn a language. Explore potential locations from your armchair. Form a network of contacts. The years leading up to our getaway were actually some of the most enjoyable, as we looked forward to the adventure.
If you’ve shared life together for years, you may take it for granted that wherever you go, your spouse goes. Until, that is, you discover your husband really doesn’t want to give up his regular golf game—or your wife can’t imagine living without a walk-in closet or her bridge club.
Often one spouse will have the itch for adventure overseas and the other couldn’t care less. Then diplomacy must prevail. Sometimes the one who wants the adventure can gradually convince the other, although an all-out campaign usually backfires, with the couple polarized. If one prevails over the other despite misgivings, the result can be disastrous for the trip and the marriage. So ensure that you are both looking forward to the adventure, even if one of you is more thrilled than the other.
My husband and I actually flip-flopped in this regard. For years, when I talked about wanting to go to Europe, even just for a vacation, his refrain was, “I haven’t even seen the States yet.” We finally took a two-week vacation in France together, and then he ate those words. (Yes, the food and wine in France did a lot to change his mind!) We returned each year for short vacations and finally decided to take the leap. Then I was the one who had second thoughts! At that point, he was the positive one, and I’m glad he was. The adventure together was a wonderful joint venture, giving us both new interests and opportunities to enjoy life.
Rita Mahoney, director of Prudential Intercultural Services, which prepares corporate employees for overseas moves, suggests that
The spouse should have positive expectations and be willing to grow and learn the new language, the new cuisine, whatever is required. However, it’s also a danger if they’re too optimistic. They should be realistic and understand that this will be a different standard of living and they’ll be away from family. Otherwise, the shock will hit them too late, when they’re overseas
.
We enjoyed life overseas, so we didn’t face the hurdle that several people we know of have: though both wanted the trip initially, one eventually wanted to return home and the other wanted to stay. Sadly, this can even break up the marriage. In one case, after two years on a boat in the Caribbean, the husband wanted to stay, but the wife missed her children and grandchildren. The woman came back to the States; the husband didn’t. That marriage might have broken up in any case, but I recommend that you be aware of the potential problem and talk it out before you leave.
Discuss the move over and over again between yourselves. We went through gallons of coffee for months—heck, years—planning and talking everything over. If one of you has serious doubts, visit a marriage counselor for a few sessions. Not because your marriage is bad, but because this is a serious decision, and a professional may help you clarify your plans and set your parameters so you both enjoy the experience.
One of the advantages of waiting until midlife to run away is that your children have flown the coop. You don’t have the additional concerns of finding a good school and helping your child adapt to another culture. However, if you do have a child still at home, it’s still possible to go overseas. After all, executives and military personnel are transferred overseas every year with their families. Most not only cope, but thrive and enjoy the adventure together. Their children have the opportunity to learn more about the world in a month than their peers learn in years stateside.
Our fifteen-year-old granddaughter asked if she could come down and go to school for the year to learn Spanish. Now she’s enrolled in a Venezuelan school and is adjusting well. She’s busy with tennis two afternoons a week, private tutoring three days. If you were to ask her how she liked Venezuela, she would tell you that she likes the scenery … the guys are fine!
—Susan, Caracas, Venezuela
The options for a child’s education abroad depend on age and your family situation. Children can attend public or private schools overseas. You can send them to boarding school. Or you can take a year’s study program with you and undertake home schooling overseas.
Younger children will adapt faster than older ones to overseas life. They’ll learn the language sooner and more fluently than adults. It can be difficult to take preteens and teenagers, however; they’re at the stage where they want to fit in, and they’ll be the strangers overseas. They won’t want to leave friends and activities at their school. This is true even when families move within the United States; the problem is compounded when moving to a vastly different environment overseas.
According to Rita Mahoney of Prudential Intercultural, children raised overseas are “TCKs”—third-culture kids:
They aren’t American, and they’re not the new culture, whether it be Spanish or French or Italian. They’re a hybrid that creates a third culture. It’s up to the parent to understand this and be aware of the changes in the child that occur as a result
.
Living overseas is one of the best educational experiences your children can have. Nevertheless they’ll need some form of formal education. The following are some means to provide it. Whichever you choose, investigate to ensure that your child will meet requirements when he or she returns to a U.S. school. Make sure that any program you enroll your child in will meet the
standards—and that the credits will be accepted. This is especially vital if your child intends to return to the States for college; if your child will attend high school overseas, investigate the entrance requirements for colleges or universities they want to attend.
International schools are located wherever there’s a large multicultural community big enough to support it, usually in major cities overseas, though I was surprised to see an international school on a dusty hillside in Portugal’s Algarve. With the large British and German populace in that tourist area, perhaps that’s reason enough for a school in that location.
International schools attract the children of expatriates, business people transferred overseas by their corporations, and diplomats, as well as local students who want to concentrate on language studies or prepare for a parent’s move to another country. Classes are held in several different languages, and cultural adaptation is part of the process.
I’m glad I gave my kids the experience of living overseas. The whole world is home to them, and now that they’re grown, they think nothing of going wherever the opportunities are
.
—Barbara, Florence, Italy
These schools are financed by private tuition, so they are costly, but they can be excellent, especially in preparing the older child for the international baccalaureate, which offers rigorous training and is highly desired by some colleges. For more information on schools overseas, contact the Office of Overseas Schools, A/OS, Room 234, SA-6, U.S. Dept. of State, Washington, DC 20520; telephone (202) 875-6220.
If your children speak the language of the country to which you’re moving, they can enter the local school system. If they don’t already speak the language, they can still go to school, but they’ll need special tutoring to manage classes and language learning at the same time. This could be stressful, and you may want to start your children in an international school until they adapt. Amazingly, children do pick up languages much more quickly than we adults.
School schedules overseas differ from their U.S. counterparts. For example, in some countries, students have Wednesday off but attend school a half day on Saturday. The methods of learning are different, and in government and history the emphasis will understandably be on the country in which you are living.
Extracurricular activities are different as well. Your child may be disappointed to learn that sports, music, and special-interest groups are not a normal part of the school day. You’ll need to locate a club or extracurricular group for sports, music, art, or other cultural activities.
The benefit of attending a local school is that a child becomes proficient in the new language. They make friends within the new culture and gain a broader perspective of the world.
We raised two daughters overseas. Without question it was a good experience. Kids learn to adapt, and it opens their eyes to a whole new world of different cultures. Now grown, one daughter has found her niche in international marketing, with a wonderful job and great salary
.
—Steve, formerly Switzerland and Africa
Boarding schools are more popular overseas than in the United States, drawing students from countries around the globe. Students should be independent enough to be away from their parents. When one American was young, she attended boarding schools in England while her parents traveled to South America. Eventually she adapted, but she was very lonely, even though her sister attended the same school. “I just felt bad for my brother because he was alone at the boys’ school,” was her comment.
If
your child is willing and able to handle living away at school, this is an option. You may want to consider boarding schools in the United States, especially if your child is deeply involved in a sport, such as American-style football or baseball, which would not be available overseas.