The Hardest Part (18 page)

Tonight was our self-defense class and I knew I would have to face her. I'd thought about skipping it a few times, but these classes were the only thing that gave me a sense of power and hope.

"
Hey, there you are." Lexi jogged over to me as I entered the room. "I've been trying to get ahold of you all week."

I turned away from her as I pulled out my towel and water bottle.
"Yeah, I'm really sorry. I've just been busy with work." I felt horrible lying to her, but I couldn't tell her the truth. "The Black and White event is coming along really well, though."

From the way her face fell, it was almost like she knew I was lying to her.

"
Oh, well, that's good to hear." She frowned. "Well, I guess I'll see you later." Without another word, she turned away from me and took her position on the mat.

Nice, Emily
. It was clear I'd hurt her feelings. I should've stopped her. I should've apologized, but I didn't. I knew this was the best for everyone. My eyes moved toward the other side of the room where Brandon and Chad entered.

"
Okay, class. Let's get ready to start." Brandon clapped his hands together. "We've got a few new students so we'll be going over some basics before learning some new moves today."

Chad walked past me as he made his way to the front of the room. I winced when I saw his face was still bruised.

"
So, ladies, what is the first step in not being a victim?" Chad asked.

"
Prevention," a few of the seasoned students answered.

"
That's right. For all of you new students, we need to not only know how to protect ourselves in case of an attack, but we also need to learn how to prevent one from happening in the first place. Attackers love to prey on the weak. They are always hunting for vulnerable targets."

Attackers. Prey. Weak. Vulnerable. Those words caused Jake’s taunts to come rushing back. I tried to push the image of his face out of my mind; nevertheless, his voice was too loud in my head.

You're weak. You're nothing without me. Why must you always defy me? I've given you everything you've ever wanted. Do you have any idea what I've sacrificed for you? I could have any girl I wanted, but I chose you. I hate that you make me so angry. It's your fault I get like this. I hate that you make me hurt you, but it's only because I love you so much.

My stomach twisted. I forced him out of my head. Jake didn't love me. I didn't make him hurt me. Back then, I was too weak and pathetic to know any different. Back then, I allowed him to do it. Not anymore, never again.

“When the confrontation begins, you may only have a few opportunities to fight them off before they can gain complete control over you.
" Brandon was talking now, and I tried to give all of my focus to him. "You must do whatever you can in order to get away in the first few seconds, before your attacker hurts you or gains control. So it's important that you aim for the body parts that can do the most damage: eyes, nose, ears, neck, groin, and legs. What do we say, ladies?"

"
Maximize damage," the class answered.

"
That's right. Now, can I get a volunteer to come up here and show our new students a few basic moves?"

Everyone glanced at their neighbor, but no one stood up.

"
How about you, Emily?" Chad asked, looking directly at me.

No. He has to be joking.

"
Come on up here and show these ladies what you've got." He smiled and looked out to the class. "See this, ladies." He pointed to his nose and eye area. "Emily did this to me. She totally kicked my ass and I'm not even sure I could've stopped her if I tried."

The room erupted in laughter and a tiny smile broke my lips. It was good to know Chad didn't have any hard feelings toward me.

"
Come on up, Emily. Let's show these ladies how it's done."

Standing up, I made my way to the front of the room as the women clapped, cheering me on.

Chad and I stood facing each other while Brandon walked us through some basic moves that we demonstrated for the class. Most of the moves used the hands, pinpointing the most sensitive areas: eyes, nose, ears, and neck. After a few minutes of me demonstrating the moves on Chad, Brandon asked the rest of the class to stand up and practice with us, all while yelling,
"No," and, "Stop."

It took a while for some of the ladies to get into the moves and to yell out loud, but eventually the room was full of loud voices.

"
So we just practiced some moves using our hands that went over the most sensitive body parts. Now let's go over our body's most powerful built-in weapons and how to use them to our advantage." Brandon motioned to me and Chad to take our positions again. "The knees, elbows, and your head are going to be your most valuable tools when defending yourself against an attacker.

“Let's say you're walking home from dinner one night and someone comes up from behind you. What do you do first?
"

Brandon glanced at me. I turned around and took position. I felt Chad come up behind me and wrap his arms around my chest, leaving my arms free. Even though I knew this wasn't real and that Chad wouldn't hurt me, my whole body prickled with panic. I wasn’t sure what I was most afraid of… the feeling of being trapped or wondering if I would lose control again.

"
Scream for help," one woman shouted from the back of the room.

“That’s right,” Brandon agreed. “Get as loud as you can. Hopefully, that will scare the attacker off, but if it doesn’t, what do you do next?”

“Fight back,” a young woman in the front row answered.

“Correct. Don’t let the attacker think you’re weak. He may have picked you because you were alone and he thought you would be an easy target, but fighting back will show him you’re not. Now, Emily is in a bad spot here. She can’t see her attacker and she’s been grabbed from behind. What can she do besides scream for help? What body parts can she still use?”

“Her elbows,” I heard someone shout. Instinctively, I raised my left elbow in a fast, sharp movement toward Chad’s head but only came within a few inches of touching him. Then I did the same with my right.

“She can stomp on his foot or head-butt him,” another woman shouted.

I raised my foot and brought it down softly onto Chad’s foot. Then I flung my head back in a swift motion. Chad loosened his grip, and I pried his hands apart. Once I was free from his grasp, I gave him a pretend elbow to the ribs. He then pretended to stumble back in pain and the women clapped.

“Great job, Emily. See, ladies, she’s been here a few months and see what she’s learned. Now everyone stand up and let’s practice a few of these moves. Chad and I will walk around and give you each an opportunity to show us what you’ve got.”

As I made my way back to my spot on the mats, something to the right caught my eye. Turning my head, I saw Reed standing in the entrance of the gym, leaning against the wall, watching me.

“He came here to support me.” Lexi was standing beside me, waving at Reed like a small child.
God, she is so innocent and sweet.
“He had a meeting on this side of town and wanted to see what I could do.” It made me feel even more horrible for ignoring her all week.

I stole another quick glance at Reed before turning back to Lexi. “Hey, do you still want to go get coffee after class?” I asked.

“Sure.” She beamed.

Throughout the rest of the class, I tried not to look in Reed’s direction, although I could still see him out of the corner of my eye. When the class ended and I made my way back across the room, my resistance dropped and I looked toward the entrance. Reed was gone.

“Are you sure you’re up for coffee?” Lexi was beside me. “I’ll understand if you’re too busy.”

“No. Coffee sounds great, actually.” No matter what was going on with me, I couldn’t be mean to the girl standing beside me anymore.

"I
WANT
to thank you again for checking on Reed," Lexi said as we sat down at our usual corner table.

Remembering our night together, my heart hammered and heat rushed to my cheeks. Then my stomach twisted as I recalled our not so nice conversation in my office. The look on Reed's face
—
the sadness and confusion in his eyes
—
made me feel horrible every time I pictured them.

I cleared my throat, hoping to get the images of out my head.
"It was no problem. I was just glad he was okay."

"
Yeah, I'm starting to believe he's keeping something from me, though. He's been acting really strange ever since that night. He zones out on me when I'm talking to him, like he's distracted or something’s bothering him. Kind of like you are right now."

She was just as observant as her brother.

"
I'm sorry. This week has been busy, but we're making really good progress on the event." I smiled apologetically. "I've been really distracted. It has nothing to do with you."

She smiled and nodded, but I still felt like she wasn't convinced.
"It's funny. That's almost the exact excuse Reed gave me. He gave me the it's-not-you-it's-me speech, too. If I remember correctly, he used his work as an excuse as well." She paused. "Listen, I know now that I should've asked you about the Black and White event instead of going behind your back. I really had no idea it was going to cause such a media frenzy. I'm sorry if I moved too fast and freaked you out."

I took a sip of my latte and fidgeted with the plastic lid.
"You were trying to do something nice. You don't have to apologize. I appreciated it. Besides, I'm old news now. The reporters and paparazzi aren't even bothering me anymore. Now that they know I'm not in charge of the event, they've moved on to bigger and better stories."

"
Well, I just don't want you to be mad at me. I like us being friends." She gave me a sincere expression, which made me want to kick my own ass for ever hurting her. "It's hard to make friends with my past and especially if they know what happened to me…" Her voice trickled off into a low whisper.

"
I was actually nervous that you would be mad at me over all of this."

"
No, I get it. It was a lot to ask, but I'm happy you'll still be involved in it. I was actually hoping you would do something else for me… or with me."

"
What's that?" With how I’d treated her all week, I’d pretty much do anything she asked me to right now.

"
Help me find a dress." She gave me a pleading look. "It's something that my mom and I would do together. Reed offered to take me, but he usually only shows up at the end, once I've found a dress."

My confused expression must have said it all.

"
My mom and I would shop for our dresses, and once we found them, my dad and Reed would come and give us their approval. It sounds silly, but it was just something we started." She shrugged. "Then we usually all went out to dinner." Her eyes glossed over, and I knew where her memories were taking her. My heart broke for her. This was just one more memory that reminded Lexi of what she lost.

"
I would love to go dress shopping with you," I said, hoping to cause the bad memories to dissolve.

Her eyes grew bright instantly.
"Thank you, thank you! I promise not to drag you around to every store in New York." Her excitement was contagious.

Some innocent and distracting shopping actually sounded like fun.
"How about we start this weekend? With the event only a few weeks away, I don't want to wait until the last minute."

"
This weekend sounds great."

I
SAT
on the chair outside the dressing room. Lexi had come by my apartment early this morning and we'd been on a mad dress hunt ever since. We had been to a few stores but hadn't found anything yet.

"
What do you think about this one?" Lexi stepped out of the dressing room. She was wearing a long-sleeved, full-length black ball gown that came up high on her neckline. It was simple and elegant, but I didn't think it did her figure any justice. It was something I pictured on a woman twice her age. I knew she was trying to be conservative and she was probably a little uncomfortable with the scars on her neck and chest.

"
It's beautiful, but I really like the red one." I had picked it out, and Lexi refused it right away, but I’d still convinced her to try it on. She was dreading it.

"
Really? I'm not so sure." She turned to look in the mirror, smoothing out the black dress. I could tell she didn't like it. "That red one is a little too revealing, don't you think? This one covers a little more."

"
It does, but I think you should try the red one on next."

Her eyes were guarded as she looked at my reflection in the mirror.

"
I'll try it on if you try on that navy-blue one." She smiled at me.

"
I'm not buying a dress, Lexi. This shopping trip is for you."