The Hardest Part (16 page)

Being this close to a man felt foreign to me. It had been a long time since I'd been touched by another man, besides Jake, and even longer since I actually wanted one to. With Jake, I cringed every time he would touch me. I would squeeze my eyes shut and just hope whatever he wanted to do to me would be over quick. But with Reed, right now, I wanted to get even closer. I never wanted the dance to end.

Our dance was sweet and innocent. My racing heart started to relax. I rested my head on his shoulder as we swayed to the music. It wasn't until he kissed the top of my head and ran his lips across my forehead that I knew this innocent dance was going to be so much more.

I pulled back slowly and he looked down on me.

"
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." His voice was soft but husky.

"
It's okay." I talked around the lump in my throat as I fought back tears. I wasn’t sure why I was flooded with the feeling like I wanted to cry, but at that moment, it was overwhelming. Maybe they were happy tears. Happy that I wanted to be touched again, happy that I liked being touched again. The current song was ending and I wondered what it would be like when we finally broke apart. Right now, I felt warm and safe in his arms. I wasn't ready for that feeling to end.

"
Would you like to keep dancing?" he asked, almost if he were reading my thoughts.

"
Yes," I answered quickly. I wanted to be in his arms all night.

By the time the third song ended, I knew us breaking apart was inevitable, but I wasn't quite ready to let him go. He finally began to pull away from me. I could already feel the coldness where his arms were before. Our eyes locked together and my gaze dropped to his lips.

"
I really want to kiss you right now." His voice was so low I barely heard him. My eyes shot back up to meet his. It wasn't a question. He wasn't asking for my permission.

He bent down, breathing softly, almost touching my lips. I could see the struggle in his eyes as he frantically searched mine. He was clearly waiting for me to pull back, but I wasn't going anywhere. Right now, I was living in the moment. I wasn't thinking of the problems this could cause for me. I wanted this. I wanted him.

My eyes dropped to his mouth again and I reached up to press my lips to his.

He brought his hands up and stroked my cheeks. Our kiss was the sweetest and most tender I'd ever had, but so full of emotion. My hunger for him grew inside me and I felt like I couldn't get enough of him. He tasted amazing, and I wanted more. The kiss grew deeper as my hands ran up his back and I pressed him harder against me.

His hands moved down my ribs to rest on my hips and he pressed more into me. Still keeping a firm grip, he backed me up slowly until my legs hit the couch. He eased me down on the couch before pulling back, his breaths shallow and fast. His body hovered over mine and I could see a struggle in his eyes. He wasn't sure if I really wanted this. Hell, I wasn't sure if I really wanted this. I mean, I wanted it; I just wasn't sure if I was ready for it. My mind was telling me no, but every other part of my body was screaming yes.

"
This doesn't have to happen tonight, Emily." He searched my eyes, his face serious. "We can take things slow. I don't want to push you to do anything you don't want to do."

I closed my eyes for a moment, searching my mind for what I really wanted. My breaths were coming quick and ragged. The only thing I could think of was how much I wanted him, how much I wanted him to continue what he was doing.

Before I knew what I was saying, the words were already coming out of my mouth.
"I want you. I want this."

He pressed his lips back to mine and words came through each kiss.

"
Just tell me when to stop," he breathed. "I don't want you to feel pressured into any of this."

His words only made me hungrier for him. I ran my hands down his back, feeling every defined line. I pulled him closer, pressing him harder against me, letting my body do what it wanted, trying not to think too much about what I was doing. I lifted my hips to meet his, hinting at what I wanted.

My mind was racing with what I was doing and I tried to push away the thoughts. I didn't want to think. I wanted to keep going. I just wanted to be in this moment and think of nothing else.

Then, in the next second, I wanted to stop. I struggled with what I was getting myself into. Then my mind switched again. I wanted to keep doing what we were doing. I even wanted to go further.

Instead of thinking anymore, I just allowed my body to do what it wanted. I would deal with everything else later.

His lips broke from mine and then they were everywhere—my jaw, my neck, my collarbone. I gripped his hair and whimpered softly each time his lips touched my skin. Suddenly, he stopped and I was certain my heart did, too.

"
Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked again, searching my eyes. "Talk to me, Emily."

"
I don't want to talk," I said, looking at him. I brought my left leg up, wrapping it around his waist.

Without another word, he lifted me and I wrapped both legs around his waist as we moved down the hall. If I wanted to stop, now was the time.

By the time we got back to his bedroom, I knew I wouldn't be able to stop myself. There wasn't any part of me that was ready to stop. He laid me down on his bed and stared at me, taking me in, devouring me from top to bottom. I bit my lip as the fire burned in his eyes. He climbed on top of me and hovered there for a moment before he brought his lips back to mine.

I gripped the edge of his shirt before slipping my hands beneath it, running my finger up his back and pulling his shirt up with me. Breaking our kiss for just a second, he pulled it over his head. I took in the beauty of him for just a moment before I felt the weight of him on me again.

His hands moved slowly down my neck and across my chest. When he reached under my shirt, I trembled and then felt him freeze above me. I deepened our kiss and let out a whimper, letting him know this was okay, that I wanted this. As my nails raked across his back again, he released a soft moan and pressed himself harder against me.

He shifted his weight and then his hands went from under my shirt to gripping my thigh. I could feel his hardness between my legs. He squeezed down and I let out a suggestive moan. I wanted his hands on me, on my skin. I felt myself pulsing for him. I wasn't sure how much longer I could control myself.

"
I haven't been with anyone in years," he said as he kissed my neck. "If you don't want this, please tell me to stop now."

"
Don't stop. Please," I begged, "don't stop."

He took my pleading as a sign. I felt my shirt come up and over my head in one swift movement. Then his lips smashed against mine. This kiss was different. This kiss held more passion than the others. I felt him tremble beneath my touch, and his hands shook as they moved down to unbutton my pants. Not able to stop myself, I reached and fumbled to unbutton his. Before I knew it, we were taking turns stripping off one another's clothes until we were completely naked.

His eyes ran down the length of me, and while he was devouring my naked body, I was doing the same to his. He lifted me gently and pushed me farther onto the bed before coming back down on top of me.

"
You're beautiful," he said before pressing his lips back to mine.

M
Y EYES
opened and I squinted at the bright light spilling in through the windows. Rolling onto my back, I stretched my legs, instantly feeling the soreness between them. It was at that moment that the night before came rushing back.

I remembered Reed's right hand holding my hands above my head as his left hand moved down my neck to my chest, down my stomach, and then finally between my legs. The cry that came from my mouth as he slipped his fingers inside me. His fingers moving in and out while he kissed me deeply and slowly. The moment
he
finally slipped inside me.

Me gripping his shoulders as he thrust inside me again and again. The moans coming out of me. The groans coming out of him. His hands moving down my body, gripping and squeezing in all the right places at all the right times. My back arching, my legs wrapping around his back. The electricity I could feel flowing between the two of us.

The images hit me like a wrecking ball. I felt my face and whole body flush. A tightness seized my chest. It wasn’t that I regretted what happened last night, yet I did have an oh-no-what-have-I-done moment. It would have been so much easier to accept the actions of last night if I had woken up from a drunken stupor, but no, the only thing to blame was my physical need to be with him and be touched by him. I knew that once we had gotten started, there was no stopping.

Turning my head gently, I saw Reed next to me, wrapped up in a sheet and sleeping peacefully. By the sound of his breathing, it was clear he was in a deep slumber. His face was serene and blissful, making me feel even more horrible for regretting what happened between us.

Turning away, I squeezed my eyes tight as an overwhelming feeling of guilt and regret flooded through me.

Last night had been amazing. I asked for it. I think I might have even begged for it. I wanted it. I enjoyed it. But, deep down, I knew it shouldn't have happened. Things were just going to be complicated between us, and I wasn't sure how or if we could ever just be friends now.

I peeked over at Reed again, remembering what he told me last night. He had told me that he hadn’t been with anyone in years. I wasn’t sure what to think of that exactly. Christine had made it sound like he was a ladies’ man, but maybe that was years ago. Maybe he had changed.

Pulling the covers back slowly, I sat up in bed, still continuing to check to make sure Reed wasn’t disturbed. When I got into the bathroom, I gently closed the door, threw my head in my hands, and squeezed my eyes tight. What had I done? The guilt rushed over me more and more with each passing second.

I wasn't confident I could face him when he woke up. Last night was going to change things between us. Sex always did.
Will he think what happened between us was a mistake? Do I think it was a mistake? Will he act differently toward me now? What about Lexi? How will she feel about me sleeping with her brother? I doubt she had this in mind when she asked me to check on him.

Shaking my head, I emptied it of those thoughts. I couldn't deal with this right now. I had to get ready. I couldn't face him. I couldn't be here when he woke up. I had to go to work.

As quietly as possibly, I made my way around his room and gathered my clothes. When I was dressed, I debated on whether or not to leave a note. After deciding against it, not sure of what to say, I slipped into the elevator and caught a cab home.

The entire drive home, I knew what I’d done was wrong. I should've stayed until he woke up. I should've faced him. I, at least, should've left him a note.

I
HADN'T
heard from Reed since I'd left his place this morning. I didn’t know what was going through my head when I left without saying good-bye to him.
Oh wait, yes I do.
What happened last night was a mistake…
Or at least that was what I kept telling myself all day. It was a mistake and it would never happen again.

I wasn’t sure how many times I said those words to myself throughout the day, starting when I walked out of his place this morning. It made it easier to walk out and it made it easier to deal with the guilt I was feeling now. Somewhere, deep inside me, even though I didn't want to admit it, I actually
didn't
regret what happened between us. I wanted to be with him again, and I think above all else, that scared me most of all.

There was hope that Reed would be the stronger one. I hoped he would regret what happened between us and keep his distance from me to ensure it wouldn't happen again. Despite that hope, I couldn't help picturing his confused face when he woke up this morning and saw my side of the bed empty. Thinking of him in pain or sad caused my stomach to turn. Then I thought about the other possibility
—
the possibility that he was angry with me. The two of us had spent a great night together and then after what happened between us, I left without saying good-bye. If I were being honest, I'd be mad at me, too.