The Heavenly Heart (13 page)

“To life,” Mona whispers, “absolutely, positively, to all those who give life.”

Speaking of which, my father is now leading a double one. He flies to Savannah to see Kirsten three days a week, under the pretense of a business investment on Tybee Island, and the rest of the week with my mother. I don’t follow my father when he spends time with Kirsten. When I see them together it makes me feel like I can’t breathe, and of course, I can’t breathe, not like before, but still it’s not a comfortable feeling, so I leave them to themselves and watch over my mother.

She and I are sort of sharing a common experience. The woman in her support group, Mrs. Charles, whose daughter died from, you know—that botched operation to get rid of the baby—well my mother has taken her under her wing. They get together with dear Mr. Warren and go for coffee after their meetings, the three of them. And I’ve taken it upon myself to safeguard Carla. It’s nice looking after somebody else. I’ve never had a sister, so Carla is as close as I’ll come, and it’s fun!—like having a best friend who’s not only a friend, but related under the skin—pretty wonderful.

We decide to prick our fingers and mingle our blood in a special ceremony. Huh! We discover we don’t have any blood!
Spooky
. But we pretend we do, and follow through with all the motions.

“So, what’s the surprise?” she says.

“Close your eyes,” I say, and take her hand.

We head to the Nursery of Loss Kisses and Hugs. “No peaking till we get there!”

When I open the door to the nursery, she as surprised as I was the first time I came here. I share my secret—that somewhere among all of these hundreds and hundreds of babies is one that’s my very own brother or sister.

“But how will we ever find which one?” she laments.

“I’m thinking we may have to enlist Pete’s help,” I say.

“Will Pete know?” she says.

“Pete knows everything.”

“But will he share everything?”

“That,” I say, “is the problem.”

Carla loops her arm around my waist. “Then we need to ask him. Let’s go find him.”

“Right now?” I say.

“Better now than never.”

THIRTY-FIVE

The Golden Window

I’m down in the dumps. Pete says it’s not a good idea.

“I’m concerned,” he says. “You’re having enough trouble letting go and going on. This could complicate it.”

Pete looks so sad—I want to just give him a hug or something. He tries so hard and I mostly never cooperate. I can’t imagine being in his shoes and having to help all these people that come here to move along. Are they all as stubborn as me? I picture myself stepping into his shoes. Thirty million people stand before me and refuse to budge. There’s no way I’d last more than ten minutes in his job. I’d open the door and throw them back.  Fine, you don’t like Heaven? Here, have some more Life. Smack, right in their face.

So Pete’s doing a really good job. He’s always so patient. A tender spot just for him curls up inside me. But, is that enough for me to cooperate? No, it’s not,—I’m as stubborn as ever.

“How could it complicate things?” I say, “I just want to see him.”

“Your little brother—”

“Oh my gosh!” I say, jumping up and down. It’s a little brother?”

Pete nods.

A little brother of my very own—I can hardly believe it! A little brother! A little brother! I wonder if we look alike.  Will I know him when I see him? And what will I say to him? I’ve got a million questions.

“As I was saying, Lorelei,” Pete continues, “your little brother will always be in the Nursery of Lost Kisses and Hugs. Your paradise is further on.” He points to the gold and purple mist, which seems to get more beautiful each time I look at it.

“And you hang on to Earth,” he continues, “even
more,
now that I have created the Silver Lining for you. I’m afraid, I’m not doing my job very well,” he says.

He’s got a point. The more trips I make through the silver window, the more I want to make. But before I can stop, I want to see what would have happened to the people who have my organs if they’d never gotten mine—don’t ask me why. I’ve always been nosey, I guess. And the only way to do that is to travel through the Silver Lining. These people are part of my life now. They’re important to me. And Garrett, who I thought to be a total geek, is becoming
so
much more. When I saw him last he’d taken charge of his pimples. Yes, totally taken charge! He ordered Proactiv Solution straight from the television ad. And it works! His skin’s nearly as smooth as that totally cool looking guy in the ad who acts sort of bashful and then he looks up and grins into the camera, and he’s totally dreamy. And now Garrett has skin like his and he’s getting contacts, too! He’s like a chameleon. He hasn’t grown any taller, but he’s definitely cuter. Even his clothes look good on his body. He’s wearing big oversized shirts and painter’s pants and he doesn’t look so skinny.

“You’ve got it major bad for him,” Carla says.

“You think?” I say.

 “That’s how it started out with me and Joey,” she says. “Just wait, soon it will smack you right in the head and you’ll be a goner.”

I make a deal with Pete.

“If I
absolutely
make my final trip through the silver window, will you help me find my baby brother?”

Pete doesn’t answer.

“Well?”

“I’m thinking,” he says.

“And?”

“And I’ll get back to you.”

“When?”

“After—”

“After lunch?”   That’d be perfect. Carla and Miss Lily and I are having Filet Mignon and double- baked potatoes and Caesar Salad. Yummy.

“After I speak to my boss.”

Okay!” I say.

This is paradise, right? He’s bound to say yes.

THIRTY-SIX

The Golden Window

We have a deal. Pete says he’ll help me find my baby brother, if I’ll agree to let him dismantle the Silver Lining. Who cares about that right now? I’m thinking of names for my brother!

“Agreed,” I say, “but first I must say goodbye to Mona and Garrett, and check on Kirsten.”

“Kirsten?” Pete says.

“The woman who has my kidney, the one my father is—

“Yes, I recall,” Pete says. “Why must you check on her?”

“My father’s making her life miserable. She thinks he’ll leave my mother for her. I don’t think he will. I want to make sure she’s alright.”

I want to see what would have happened to her if she’d gotten someone else’s kidney, maybe from someone’s father who was perfectly ugly, or whose father was a priest—maybe an Episcopalian priest—who’d never cheat on his wife.

“Three quick visits?” Pete says. “That’s it?”

“Well, maybe a quick trip to Mr. Powell.”

“Mr. Powell?”

“Norman Edward Powell, he’s wasting my eyes. I want to see if he got someone else’s would he waste them, too.”

“Lorelei, Lorelei,” Pete sighs.

But what else can he do? His job is to
encourage
us to move on, but it’s against the rules to force us, and he knows that I know this. He’s stuck. But at least now I’m willing, yes willing, to go forward. So
I’m
getting unstuck. It’s perfect!

Unfortunately, all that I find through the Silver Lining is not.

THIRTY-SEVEN

The Silver Lining

Pete’s seeing me off.

“On second thought,” he says, “I think I should go with you.”

“You need to stay here and hunt for Christopher,” I tell him.

“Christopher?”

“My baby brother—that’s his name, well, I’ve decided that’s his name. Isn’t it beautiful?”

“Yes, yes, quite nice,” Pete says.

The sun is high and brighter than a flashbulb. The gold and purple mist is a giant canopy far above us. It’s a beautiful morning. I’m all excited. When I get back I’ll see my baby brother. Life—I mean—death has never looked so good.

“I’ll be alright,” I say. “I promise.”

I hug his neck.

“Wish me good luck.”

“No,” he says and waves. “I wish you God Love, instead. With that you don’t need luck.”

First I check on Mona. She’s still at Mayo Clinic in Rochester. There’s a lot of activity going on in her room. I hoping she’s getting ready to go home. She got the kidney of a man who rode his motorcycle into a car, and never lived to know he had—very sad for him, that’s true, but how much better, that some happiness should come from it.

But there’s trouble. All the commotion in Mona’s room is because her immune system refuses to be immunized. The suppression drugs to keep her from rejecting her new kidney aren’t doing their job. Her new kidney is failing. Mona’s getting sicker every day. The toxins in her body are overloading her bloodstream, so dialysis is her only answer. That—or another kidney.

“If she’s well enough to receive one,” a doctor notes.

“If there’s even a match available,” another says.

“How can this be?” Mona asks. “For weeks I’ve been doing fine!”

“The chance of rejection decreases with time, Dr. Woodard says. “But it can occur any time after the transplant.”

It began with a fever and flu-like symptoms. Soon Mona was gaining weight and retaining fluid. Then she got real tired. They’re going to do a kidney biopsy to see if rejection is actually occurring.  In the interim they’re adjusting her medication dosages along with adding other types of immunosuppressants. Because these medications interfere with the body’s natural immunity, Mona will be more susceptible to infections. To combat this, they prescribe antibacterial, antiviral, and anti-fungal medications to prevent her from contracting more harmful infections. She’s a walking medicine cabinet. Mona’s trying to remain cheerful, but I can see the fear in her eyes. It’s standing at attention. She was expecting to go home in a few days. Now she has to stay at the clinic indefinitely. Disappointment and worry take the place of joy and gratitude.

This is not what I expected! On my last visit to Mona I agreed to baby-sit her children. She’d received the motorcycle man’s kidney and was doing fine. I celebrated the wonderful fact that it wouldn’t have made any difference in Mona’s life whether I’d lived or died. She got a new kidney either way. I was wrong. I celebrated too soon. My only thought at the time was that she’d gotten another kidney. I hadn’t given it any thought that another one might not take.

“Pete, oh Pete—” I whisper. “I do need you with me.”

Then I realize it doesn’t matter. This is the Silver Lining. It’s the Golden Window that’s real. Mona has
my
kidney, not this man’s from the motorcycle wreck! I need to cherish the fact that I’m gone from life and because of that Mona will have hers. The trouble is I’m still not sure I want to be—gone. I go back and forth between these windows like a ping-pong ball. And maybe not to check on them so much, but perhaps to check on me!

I told Pete I was willing to move on. But I’m not sure if that’s true. I should be glad I’m moving on with my life above. It means Mona’s moving on with hers.

But do I go back? Nope. I stick around to see what happens to Mona had I lived and kept my kidneys along with all my other body parts. I stick around and think would it be so bad if she was up with Pete, and I was here for
real
instead?

THIRTY-EIGHT

The Golden Window

I’m a liar. I return in tears.

“I failed,” I sob. “I’m no closer than going forward than the day I got here.”

I plop back into my golden haven.

“Dear child,” Pete says. “There are no failures here. And if there were, they would be mine.”

“Huh?”

“I’ve pushed you too hard, Lorelei. Let’s start again. There’s no rush—you have forever. Forever! There’ll be no tears here. Now dry your eyes. I have a surprise for you.”

“A surprise?”

Pete nods.

“What is it?”

Pete’s eyes are dancing. It must be very special.

“Not so fast,” he says. “If I tell you it won’t be a surprise, now would it?”

Pete extends his arms and motions for me to follow him. I scramble out of the window eager to see what awaits me. Strangely, I feel the need to purge myself of past transgressions.

“Pete, there’s something I think you need to know about me,” I say.

Pete cocks his head to one side.

“I did something really, really bad. I mean my girlfriends and I did something really bad. We took this old lady—”

“For an outing and she had quite a time,” Pete says. “I know all about that, Lorelei.”

“You do?”

Pete nods his head.

“And I still got in?” I say, the palms of my hands extended in the air.

“Lorelei, you don’t have to be perfect to get in. You only need to be perfectly willing.”

“Cool,” I say. “So, I’m still good for the surprise, then?”

“Of course. There was never any doubt.”

Pete gently ties a satin blindfold around my head and guides me round and round in circles. We spin forever, then, suddenly Pete exclaims, “We’re here!”

I open my eyes and realize we’re standing outside the door to the nursery! Pete has been spinning me in circles to make it seem like we’ve gone a very long way, when we hadn’t gone far at all.

“I believe there’s a special little guy in here you’ve been wanting to meet.”

The joy that flashes through my body is too immense to describe. I throw my arms around Pete.

“Oh Pete,” I gush, “I love you more than candy.”

THIRTY-NINE

The Silver Lining

I’m going to see Onetta. I want to know why my mother would choose to end a baby’s life not yet even born. Maybe she has some answers.

  Onetta’s in the kitchen preparing a special dinner for my mother’s support group. This isn’t the one for parents of death children. I’m not “dead”. It’s the Silver Lining. The group she attends is for those that have lost a spouse. Four of the ladies she meets with have become good friends. My mother’s one of them. The others are Beatrice, whose husband killed himself; Madeline, whose husband had colon cancer, and Holly, a young bride whose husband fell overboard on their honeymoon cruise after a night of too much drinking. Today is Holly’s twenty-fifth birthday. My mother has instructed Onetta to spare no details in preparing the feast.