The Heavenward Path (23 page)

    I did not wish to encourage him, so I said nothing and did not look at him.

    "What? Think you're too good to speak to me, do you? Hey." He leaned close and made a suggestion I shall not repeat.

    "You must forgive her, young man," said Dento. "She is my acolyte, and she seeks to find the path to leave the world, not to become more worldly."

    "Wha? Feh, what a waste. You sure you don't want some of this, girl?" He made a rude gesture I shall not describe.

    "I would be careful with her, if I were you," said Dento mildly. "I chose this one because she makes an excellent medium. She is exquisitely sensitive to the presence of spirits or demons. For all I know, she may be possessed at this very moment. Let us find out, eh?" Dento pulled a sakaki wand from his bag and tapped me on the shoulder with it. "Demon, if you are within, show yourself!"

    I took the hint and immediately began making rough noises and rolling on the floor. "Why have you summoned me, old man?" I growled as I had heard the oni do. I frothed at the mouth and tore at my hair.

    The young man stepped back, horrified.

    "We wanted to see if you are present," Dento said.

    "I do not want to speak with you!" I shouted. "Leave me alone!" I shook my head wildly and gnashed my teeth and tore at the reed mats with my fingers.

    "Very well," said Dento. "You may subside." He again tapped me on the shoulder with the wand.

    Instantly, I sat up once more and became very still, staring at the floor, saying nothing.

    "Uhhh, thanks for the warning, old man. You can have her." The coarse young man hastily left the room.

    "Well done," said Dento softly.

    "Thank you," I replied. "I suppose it is practice for tomorrow. Besides, Goranu once told me that dignity can be a hindrance sometimes."

    "Surprising wisdom, for a tengu."

    I did not chastise Dento, though I wanted to.

    It was difficult to sleep that night amid the smells, and the noises the kitchen servants made, and the rough mats we were given to sleep on. From his snores nearby, Dento seemed to be sleeping quite well. But I could not help dwelling on how Amaiko had not known me, how I had lost respect and dignity, how I had lost my hair. A little voice wailed inside me, "What have I
done
?"

    No answers came, and by the time morning arrived, I felt utterly wretched.

    A long scarf of exquisite blue silk was delivered to Dento, along with the note:

    

    
Great Lady Kiwako is willing and we are most eager for your help. Come at once.

    

    No garments were brought for me, and I said, "Surely, Sensei, I cannot go to the Great Ladies' ward looking as I do."

    "No," he agreed, squinting his eyes. "You should be a bit more disheveled." He pulled some strands of my hair to hang in front of my face. He tugged at my plain inner and outer kimonos until they hung wrong. "There. Now put on a dull stare and stagger as you walk, and you will resemble a proper medium."

    My life had already gone beyond all reason, so what could I do but obey him?

    Dento draped the blue silk over his usual gray robes and, with an air of quiet dignity, he headed across the Imperial compound with me in tow.

    We were escorted into the main hall of the Orange Blossom wing of the women's quarters. Though both men and women were hidden behind tall blinds or curtains of modesty, I could hear their excited whispers as we entered, as if they were about to see dancers or some other performance. If Goranu was among them, I could not tell. It was quite possible that my father and sister were among the watchers, as well as Prince Komakai. For once I did not want to shout out who I was, as I wanted no one to know how wretched I had become.

    Dento guided me as if I were a child without control of my own movement. He had me kneel down near the center of the large, open pavilion. Directly across from me was a low, square platform, on which stood four curtains of modesty. Through the spaces between the curtain frames, I could see Kiwako. For once, it was I who could hardly recognize her, she had grown so. Her face had become quite pretty, though she had used too much white powder and had painted her eyebrows too high. Her kimonos were beautifully arranged, though the neckline was perhaps a little too open. Her gaze darted from right to left, and she toyed anxiously with the fan in her hands. She stared at me once, briefly, then looked away.

    Dento stood beside me and began, "May the blessings of the Amida be upon this noble house and all who dwell herein Above the Clouds. I come because one among you, I have heard, is troubled by mono no ke, ill-meaning spirits, that cause her to exhibit unseemly behavior. By the rites of exorcism, it is my intent to drive these spirits from the unfortunate victim's body into this girl who is my medium. There the demon will show its nature, and we will then drive the creature away permanently."

    Dento placed candles at the four corners of the platform and lit them. Black, clove-scented smoke rose like thin pillars from each of the candles.

    Then Dento knelt in front of me and handed me a slender, polished sakaki wand. I took it in both hands. Then he shut his eyes tightly and began to chant the Magic Formula of the Thousand Hands.

    Kiwako, on the platform, gracefully fell over in a faint, though I do not know if it was real or she was pretending. The smell of the smoke and the drone of Dento's chanting produced an eerie feeling in me, and I felt my hair begin to stand on end.
What if we somehow summon real spirits?
I wondered fearfully.
Mama-chan once said that one should never mention the mono no ke in jest, for they might show up for real. What if Lord Chomigoto is watching and sees an opportunity?

    Dento picked up a sakaki branch and tapped me on both shoulders with it. This was my signal, and I had no choice but to pretend I was possessed. I fell over on the floor and growled and snarled and said the most terrible things. I tore at my clothes and pulled at my hair and kicked with my legs.

    Dento chanted more mystic incantations, louder, and I began to scream and moan as if I were in pain. I was so distanced from myself from lack of sleep, that dignity no longer meant anything to me at all. I was able to scream out my sorrow at the loss of my former life and all I had known, and I am sure I was quite convincing as a tormented demon.

    After about an hour, Dento, frowning with concern, ceased his chanting and tapped me once, then twice more with the sakaki wand. "Malevolent spirit, leave this woman and return to the realm of ghosts from which you came!"

    I immediately stopped all of my noise and sat up. I gathered my shabby kimonos around me and looked here and there as if I did not know where I was. The nobles around me gasped as Kiwako also sat up, behind her screens. She began to softly chant the Lotus Sutra in so humble and charming a voice that it seemed her nature truly had changed.

    A servant came up to us then, bearing sake and offers to stay and have a meal with the Fujiwara.

    Dento declined the invitations. "Forgive us, but given the volatile nature of that spirit, we should leave immediately. My medium is quite sensitive to their presence, and she might be taken advantage of. Better we should depart so that such opportunistic spirits cannot infect anyone else in the Palace."

    And so again I put on a dull stare and staggered as we were escorted-by someone who was not Goranu-from the Palace, back to the little servants' door.

    As soon as we were outside the Palace wall, I asked Dento, "Do you think it will work?"

    "If the Good People wish to believe it, and have need to believe it, it will be true for them. People will often grasp at whatever reason, however preposterous, if it will permit them to do what is right or necessary, such as forgiveness. Sometimes it takes a bigger excuse to do the right thing than to do a wrong thing."

    The gate in the wall behind us opened again, and a servant came out. He handed a bag to Dento and a note to me. The note was in Kiwako's hand, and read:

    

    
So,

    
the little puddle

    
has hid under sakaki leaves.

    
But I know she's there.

    

    
May good fortune follow you.

    

    "She knew it was me," I whispered.

    Dento snatched the note out of my hands and tore it up, scattering the pieces to the wind. "No ties to your former life, understand?"

    Tears filled my eyes as I watched the pieces float away. "Dento," I said, "I no longer understand anything, and the world is a complete confusion to me."

    "Congratulations," said Dento, smiling. "You are well on the path to becoming an ubasoku."

    

    

    
Almost home; warm lights beckon ahead, but still the road between is dark…

    

    There remains little of my story left to tell before the end. And yet, how can I say it has an end when every end is also a beginning?

    The bag Dento was given as we left the Imperial Palace contained silver. He used a bit of it to buy us a few days' worth of food. The rest he promptly gave to the nearest beggar. When I protested, he explained, "Wealth is a strong and demanding kami, whom I choose not to serve."

    We left Heian Kyo that very day, staying in a dilapidated inn just outside of the northern gate of the city. The wind blew in through the torn paper walls, and there was constant noise from the drunken men on the floor below us. As I picked at my rice and vegetables, I said, "Why haven't we seen Goranu? I wonder why he didn't come to talk to us at the Palace gate?"

    Dento gazed at me, and I think there was pity in his eyes. "It is clear that, although you have promise as a pupil, you are still bound by the Chain of Causality."

    "What is that?"

    "It is the philosophical chain that binds mortal souls to the Wheel of Rebirth. It has twelve links: ignorance, action, new inclinations, awareness, individuality, the five senses, contact, sensation, desire, attachment, rebirth, and death. I expect you can guess which links particularly bind you."

    "It is true." I sighed. "And despite how my life has changed, I cannot see how I will ever be free of them."

    "I cannot tell you," said Dento. "You will discover it yourself. Or not. In this creation of a new life for yourself, you will eventually decide what is the best path for you to take. You may discover your mountain of enlightenment lies in a place unvisited before. And, as all explorers know, in uncharted territory it is necessary to cut a new path."

    I was not certain that I understood him, for I was very tired, and the day had been exhausting. I confess, despite my lowly surroundings, that night I slept very well.

    By foot, Dento and I traveled back up the Western Road toward Tamba Province. I was somewhat afraid, given the bad fortune that had befallen my family on that road two years before. But no one bothered us. We even encountered a band of warrior monks from Mount Hiei. But they only bowed and passed pleasantries with Dento and hardly gave me a second glance.

    "I feel like a ghost," I told Dento on the third day of our journey. "As if I have no existence."

    "That is because you are used to defining yourself by how others react to you. This is natural in the day-to-day world; how people sort themselves out with one another. But you must concentrate on different things now. Once you no longer care what people think of you, you will learn what freedom is."

    I could not possibly imagine not caring what others think, but I did not tell him so. I was just beginning to learn how very much I had yet to learn.

    Two days later, we passed by Sotoko and Riko's house, but did not stop to visit. I did not know if I would be welcome, and Dento wished to continue my lesson of cutting myself off from family connections.

    Instead, we turned off the Western Road and went into the forest, where we at last presented ourselves before the ruins of the shrine of Lord Chomigoto.

    "It does not seem much changed since the storm," I said, looking at the fallen walls and broken roof tiles. The tomb entrance on the hillside had been sealed again with a large stone block.

    "But something has been happening here," said Dento, peering around. "Look at this. There are many recent footprints. And someone has left offerings."

    I glanced where he pointed and saw, off to the side of the shrine debris, a neat row of wooden bowls. Dento was raising each bowl to his face, sniffing at it.

    "What are they?"

    "Very strange offerings indeed. This one is powdered chalk. The pale green powder is wasabi-horseradish. This one contains sand. This one is plain rice. If there is a message to be read in these, I cannot see it."

    "Who could have left these offerings? Perhaps there is another living descendant you have not heard of who has come to do worship?"

    "Not that I know of. Perhaps your tengu friends left them."

    "But tengu never worship anyone!"

    "True. Then perhaps Lady Sotoko or Tsubushima no Riko left them."

    "After the fear Riko showed when he learned what this place was, I do not think he would ever return or let my sis-Lady Sotoko return here, let alone leave offerings."

    "Well, then, it must remain a mystery." Dento stood and took a small brazier and some incense from his bag. He placed these on the stone foundation that had held the shrine, saying, "You understand, I find this task most disagreeable. From all I had heard at my mother's knee, Lord Chomigoto was not a beneficent fellow. Still, it is clearly my destiny, neh?"