The Hidden Life (7 page)

If Colin had thought I was out sleeping with women when he wasn’t around while we were together, then I sure as hell didn’t want to let him down since we’d broken up. You know, because we were still best friends and all.

After that first night of using sex to forget about my broken heart with a meaningless, faceless body, I started going out and picking up women regularly. At least three or four times a week, I’d wake up in an unfamiliar bed with a strange woman, sometimes more than one. If trying to fuck a person out of your system was a real thing, then I was definitely mastering it. As frequently as possible. Only with women. Almost like if I put my dick in enough pussies, it would forget I preferred Colin’s ass. And then, even after I realized that sex with them would never compare to what Colin and I had shared, I kept doing it, because otherwise I would’ve just wallowed around my apartment like a pathetic little bitch.

But God, I missed him.

The phone stopped ringing briefly, but started right up again as I slipped off the mattress and padded into another room, out of earshot from my sleepover guest. When my eyes finally focused on the screen and I saw Monroe’s name lighting it up, I quickly answered.

“Roe? You okay?” I croaked, my voice still groggy, but the rest of me on high alert.

That was the other thing that sucked about Colin’s and my breakup was the strain it put on my relationship with Monroe. After I’d unloaded the “you deserve more” speech to her shortly after the big fight, I didn’t hear from her much. I knew she was busy with setting up everything for the new Mending Hearts house, but it didn’t make the loss of her always cheerful smile and encouraging voice any easier. We would exchange a couple of texts every so often, checking in with how work was going and whatnot, but neither of us ever dared to mention Colin nor Oliver, both of us pretending our lives were just as we wanted them to be. So needless to say, a phone call from her in the wee hours of the morning was both rare and worrisome.

“Hey, Seth,” she greeted me a little too gleefully, immediately increasing my concern. “Sorry to call so early, but I’m calling because Colin’s been in an accident.”

“An accident? Where is he? What happened? Is it serious?” The questions came all at once as my heart lurched in my chest and the rest of my body froze.
No, this can’t be happening.

It had been nearly two months since I’d seen or talked to Colin. His calls and messages continued for a couple of weeks after the night I’d stormed out, but when it became evident I wasn’t going to return them, they tapered off until there were none at all. Every day, at least once, I’d pick up my phone, click on his name in my contacts, and stare at the picture of the two of us for a few minutes, longing to hear his voice, desperate for his touch. Then, before temptation got the best of me, I’d shut it off and toss it to the side, reminding myself I deserved more. I was worth more than being somebody’s dirty little secret, no matter how much I loved him.

But now, if something had happened to him… my throat began to close as I waited for her to answer.

“He’s okay, he’s okay. Don’t freak. It’s not life-threatening, but he thinks it’s a pretty serious injury to his shoulder and arm,” she quickly clarified, as my body slumped against the wall, sliding all the way down until I was sitting on the floor.

Air flow returned to my lungs as my heart began to beat again while she went on to explain he’d dislocated his shoulder in a game of pick-up basketball with some kids. As she spoke and the fear and concern gradually dissipated, anger and resentment flared inside of me and I cut her off, bitterness dripping from my tongue.

“Monroe, I don’t mean to be rude,” which I truly didn’t, at least not to her, “but I’m not sure why you’re calling me right now. I feel really terrible this has happened, because I honestly want the absolute best for him, but something like this doesn’t concern me anymore. I told you a while back at the game that I’m moving on. I can’t continue to fall back into something I know is going nowhere, and that’s exactly where Colin and I are headed as long as he wants to continue living a lie.”

She didn’t need to know that my “moving on” was more like a “stalling out.” Monroe wouldn’t judge me for my actions, but that didn’t mean I wanted her to know I was bed-hopping my way across New England.

“But… but he’s sorry,” she contended, “and you know he lov
—
”

“Did he ask me to come?” I interrupted her again. “Does he want me to be by his side to support him as his lover? As his boyfriend?”

Blowing out a frustrated sigh, she answered, “No, but
—
”

“But nothing, Roe,” I urged, sick of her defending him. “I’m tired of being his dirty secret. I deserve more, just like you do.”

She didn’t say anything right away, and I wanted to ask if anything had come of the whole Oliver thing, but didn’t think it was the right time.

“I understand. Sorry I woke you up,” she finally whispered.

“No need to apologize, baby girl,” I assured her softly, reminding myself there was no reason to be upset with her. “If
you
need me, call any time. You’re still my number one girl.”

“‘Kay, I will.”

“Bye, Roe. I love you.”

“I love you, too. Bye, Seth.”

I hung up the phone, but didn’t move. Closing my eyes, I tried to clear the onslaught of emotions warring inside of me, unsure if I was doing the right thing by not going to see him. I knew I was being a dick, but dammit, I was still pissed. After agreeing to give him another chance to make things work with the two of us, we had spent a couple of amazing weeks together. I really thought we were back on track… then to have it all ripped right out from under me. How could he be so thoughtless? So self-centered?

Clinging to my anger ensured that I didn’t fall back into his arms. After over seven years, it was time I stood up for what I wanted. Things that were important to me. But I knew if I saw him, there was a good chance he’d draw me back in. My brain was no match for the needs and desires of my heart and body. Not yet at least. I needed as much time as possible to build up my defenses to resist him. Like maybe forever.

Unfortunately, forever was right around the corner.

“above all, I just want you to know

how significant you are in case no

other human in this cruel world

tells you so. you do not have to be

a symphony or a masterpiece to

do good in this world.

there is so much love to give and

receive if only you allow your

heart to be open. stretch it out

as wide as the horizon. fill your

soul with all the world’s beauty as

the tragic things in your eyes

crash down around you like ash.

let nothing stop you. not one damn thing.

so, I guess all that is left,

that which was left in the beginning,

is to love every single thing that

surrounds you as if death was soon

to come for us all.”

-Christopher Poindexter

Seth

EFFIE TRUDGED THROUGH
the snow from her apartment to my car, the look of annoyance set firmly in her thinned lips. Clambering into the passenger’s seat with a groan, she leaned back and closed her eyes.

“Why in the hell am I awake at this hour on a Sunday?” she complained.

I chuckled and shook my head then pulled away from the curb. “It’s 9:30, Eff. Most people are awake by now. Plus, you’re the one who called me to come get you. What all’s going on? I didn’t understand half of your half-asleep jibberish on the phone.”

“I dunno.” She shrugged, keeping her eyes shut. “Oliver called and said that one of the Mending Hearts kids was in ICU and he and Monroe had gone to the hospital, but she’d left her purse at home. They won’t let her in without her ID and she doesn’t want to leave, so you supposedly have a key to their house and can let me in to get it.”

“Why didn’t Monroe just call me to go get it?” I wondered aloud, careful not to express my curiosities about her and Oliver being at the hospital together. It had been almost three months since the morning she’d called me about Colin’s injury, and though I’d thought about calling her several times to see if she wanted to meet up for lunch, I never did. Plus, now that Effie worked as Monroe’s personal assistant, she unintentionally kept me up-to-date with what was going on with the Cassidys, not knowing that Colin and I hadn’t talked in over four months.

My sister shrugged again, a smug grin tipping her lips. “Who knows? Maybe Oliver just wants to see me. I have that effect on guys who aren’t my brother, ya know?”

Rolling my eyes was my only answer as I redirected my focus back on the road in front of me. Ten minutes later, we pulled up in front of their Beacon Hill estate and Effie jumped out of the car with my key, rushing inside to fetch Monroe’s purse. As I waited for her in the idling vehicle, the radio on the commercial reminded me of the AFC Championship game later that evening between the Denver Broncos and our hometown Patriots. A game everyone in the city would most likely be watching.

Everyone but me.

Living here was hard enough. Everywhere I turned, there were billboards or commercials with Colin’s face constantly thrown at me. He was revered as a god, Beantown’s golden child that men, women, and children alike adored unwaveringly. And even though time had dulled the sharp pain of my heartache, it didn’t make it any easier to be reminded regularly of what I’d once had.

The cold, biting wind filled the car when Effie returned, pulling me from my melancholy thoughts. She buckled her seatbelt, holding the small black purse in her lap, wearing an odd expression on her face as she stared out the window.

“Everything good?” I asked, glancing over at her.

Nodding, she forced a smile. “Yup. Good to go. They’re at Boston Children’s Hospital.”

I suspected there was something she wasn’t telling me, but I didn’t push it. Knowing her, she’d probably used Colin’s toothbrush while she was in there, toeing the line of the stalker-like tendencies she’d always had with him. I had enough shit to deal with of my own, like moving on with my own life, than to worry about her unhealthy infatuation with a man she didn’t even know was gay. I just needed to get Monroe’s purse to her, make sure she was all right, and then get my ass home before I started thinking too hard about
him
again.

Traffic was light during the half-hour trek to the hospital, the music on the radio the only sound in the car as Effie and I both sat silently, lost in our own thoughts. After I left the car with the valet, we hurried up to the ICU floor and immediately found Monroe and Oliver pacing the floors of the waiting room as soon as we stepped off the elevator.

Like a switch went off inside my sister, Effie transformed into a completely different person in front of my eyes as she greeted them. “Oh, my God, Monroe, I’m so sorry!” she exclaimed overdramatically, while handing Monroe her purse. “I can’t believe this. Tell me what I can do to help!”

I ignored the strange behavior and stalked directly to Monroe, engulfing her in a giant hug as I kissed the top of her head. We may not have hung out together like we used to, but that didn’t make me love her any less. And seeing the pain and worry painted across her features made me want to fix whatever was wrong to make her better.

“Please, Roe girl, talk to us. How can we help?” I asked after I released her from my hold, my eyes pleading with hers.

“I, uh,” she sniveled and dried her tear-streaked cheeks with the back of her hand, “I haven’t called Colin yet. I threw my phone and it broke, and I just haven’t thought about it. Plus, he doesn’t need this today. I don’t want him to worry about anything but the game.”

My chest tightened. Her selflessness was inconceivable at times. Looking over at Oliver, I offered him a small appreciative smile for taking care of her up to this point.

“Your flight to Denver was scheduled for eleven-thirty, right?” Effie jumped in as she pulled her phone from her coat pocket and started typing on the screen. “Let me get that cancelled for you and then we can decide what to do about Colin. He’ll be just as worried if you don’t show, so I think you need to let him know something.”

Monroe nodded her agreement then dug her wallet out of her purse and held it up in the air. “Okay, I’m gonna go back there now and see what I can find out. Do you guys mind waiting here for a little bit? I’d rather wait to call him once I know more about her condition.”

The three of us all wished her luck as she disappeared back behind the large double doors, and then waited for her to return. Excusing herself to make some phone calls, Effie meandered over to the far corner of the waiting room, out of earshot from where Oliver and I were left standing.

“Wanna grab a coffee or something?” I tipped my head toward the hallway where I’d spotted a refreshments center with a coffeemaker and vending machines. “I didn’t get a chance to make any before Effie called, so I could use a little pick-me-up.”

“Yeah, I could use some too,” he replied, moving toward the doorway. “I’m sure we’re gonna be here a while today, so I’ll probably need as much help as I can get staying alert.”