The Homework Machine (8 page)

BRENTON DAMAGATCHI, GRADE 5

Snik came in one morning with his chessboard. He told me he was playing a game against his dad and he needed some advice. He set up the pieces and I looked things over. He had done a
pretty nice job. His dad was a piece ahead, but Snik was in a good position and could still win.

I told him a few things he didn't know. Like a rook is worth more than a bishop or knight, which are worth about the same. And if you have two pawns in position to make a capture, you want to capture toward the center of the board. But he had already learned a lot of stuff on his own. He's smarter than he gives himself credit for.

I'm an okay player. Not great. I've never really studied the game. The most important thing to know is that chess isn't a battle, it's a war. You want to gradually build up tiny advantages and make your position better until the enemy has no choice but to quit. I advised Snik to castle so he could get his king away from the center of the board.

MISS RASMUSSEN, FIFTH-GRADE TEACHER

I really didn't know all that much about chess myself. I had played a tiny bit as a child. All I knew was how the various pieces moved. I didn't understand strategy.

But when I saw Sam and Brenton talking over a chessboard, it seemed like one of those wonderful teachable moments we live for. So I scrapped
our lesson plan for the morning. I drew the chessboard on the chalkboard and explained to everyone the basic rules of play.

The students started giving their ideas about which move Sam should make next. Sam and Brenton stood at the front of the class and explained why some moves might be smarter than others. It was fascinating for the whole class! I could almost see the wheels turning in their little heads.

We spent the whole morning doing that, and finally Sam decided to castle. That's when your king and rook sort of switch places.

It was a wonderful learning experience that I'll remember for the rest of my teaching career.

JUDY'S MOM

I couldn't help but notice that Judy wasn't spending much time doing homework. In fourth grade, she used to come home from school and work on it for
hours
. Even if she didn't have too much homework, she would go over it again and again until it was perfect.

I naturally assumed that her workload would be a little heavier in fifth grade, but that wasn't the case. It seemed like she never did any homework
at
all
. I was worried. Maybe she had lost her enthusiasm for school.

I asked Judy about it and she said that Miss Rasmussen was a really easy teacher who didn't believe in giving a lot of homework. When we had our parent-teacher conference, I suggested to Miss Rasmussen that maybe she should give the students more homework. She told me that some of the students felt there was too much homework as it was, and a few of the parents had complained about the time their kids had to spend on it.

She said that Judy was just an excellent student, and that was probably why she finished her homework so quickly. I wanted to believe that, and so I did.

KELSEY DONELLY, GRADE 5

Then there was the day Judy made a Valentine's Day card for Brenton, and it was like World War III broke out.

SAM DAWKINS, GRADE 5

So Judy gives a Valentine's Day card to Brenton. She doesn't give one to me. She doesn't give one to Kelsey. I don't think she gave one to anybody in the
class but Brenton. Maybe she only gives Valentines to the smart kids.

I wasn't jealous. I mean, a girl has the right to like anybody she wants. It just kind of took me by surprise, that's all. I didn't know she liked Brenton. Actually, I kind of thought she might have a crush on
me
. I can't imagine why she would pick him over me.

JUDY DOUGLAS, GRADE 5

I didn't
like
either of them. Snik thinks he is so cool, but deep down he is so insecure. He couldn't get over the idea that anybody might like Brenton better than him.

It meant
nothing
. It was just a silly Valentine. But everybody in the class was talking about it, as if Brenton and I were going to get married or something.

BRENTON DAMAGATCHI, GRADE 5

I have always viewed Valentine's Day, and most holidays for that matter, as artificial celebrations that provide opportunities for big corporations to make people feel guilty and buy greeting cards, flowers, chocolates, and presents. But it was a nice gesture. I thought nothing of it.

KELSEY DONNELLY, GRADE 5

There was this one day when Miss Rasmussen gave us a homework vacation. No homework for a change. Well, when we left school, we all forgot that there was no homework, and headed for Brenton's house anyway like we always did. It wasn't until we got up to his room that we figured out we didn't have any homework to do! We all felt pretty stupid.

We were going to go home, but Brenton's mom brought in some chocolate chip cookies that were awesome. We took them down to the basement and played Ping-Pong for a while.

It turns out that Brenton is a great Ping-Pong player! I couldn't believe it. He even beat Snik, who is always the best athlete in gym. Snik was all mad, and he was saying that Brenton was cheating and stuff. It was a riot. I'll say this for Brenton, he constantly surprises you.

SAM DAWKINS, GRADE 5

I like to hit the ball hard and slam it past the other guy. But Brenton wouldn't let me. He kept dinking these stupid little weak shots just over the net where I couldn't reach them and putting these weird spins on the ball so I wouldn't know which way it was gonna bounce. That's got to be illegal.

RONNIE TEOTWAWKI, GRADE 5

Yeah, I was the one who wrote the message on the boys' room wall. I guess now that it's all over I can admit it. Hey, it wasn't as bad as what
they
did.

I knew they were up to something. No way kids like Judy and Brenton would hang around with kids like Kelsey and Snikwad. Heck, no way any of them should hang around with each other. And no way kids like Kelsey and Snikwad should be getting A's.

So I wrote
D SQUAD ARE CHEATERS
with a marker on the wall of one of the stalls. I used my left hand so nobody could say it was my handwriting. That's all I did. I didn't know how they were cheating, but they had to be doing something. It got rubbed off the next day, but I guess word got around. People were talking.

SAM DAWKINS, GRADE 5

So I'm in the boys' room and I see the graffiti. I scribble over it right away. I hoped that nobody else saw it, but maybe every boy in the school saw it before I went in there. Who knows? I didn't know who wrote it, but I had my suspicions.

The whole thing shook me up. If anybody found out about Belch, we would be in big trouble.

KELSEY DONNELLY, GRADE 5

Snik said we had to have another meeting, so we all met at the big concrete turtle in the playground during recess. We get there and he's all whispering and stuff. Like we're spies. He says we may have a rat. A leak. He wanted to know who spilled the beans. Well, it sure wasn't me, I knew that.

Nobody admitted it. Judy got all freaked out like she was gonna cry or something. She is so emotional! Brenton said one of those weird things he always says that makes no sense to anybody but him.

Snik said we should all be cool about it and remember that we made a pact not to tell
anybody
. He said that if anybody asks any of us about Belch, we should deny everything. Just say none of us knew anything about it.

I figured it was nothing. Kids pass around dumb rumors about other kids all the time. But this time the rumor was true.

MISS RASMUSSEN, FIFTH-GRADE TEACHER

After thinking it over for a long time, I decided to split up the kids in D Squad. I didn't like the way they were always whispering to each other. It's good when a group of kids bonds together, but when they form their own little secret society that excludes everyone else, it's usually a sign of trouble. I suspected something was going on.

I told the class it would be a good learning experience if they changed seats every so often and got to work with other students. I put Sam, Judy, Kelsey, and Brenton in separate groups, one in each corner of the classroom.

KELSEY DONNELLY, GRADE 5

We were constantly having these stupid meetings. It seemed like we had a meeting every day. This time it was Judy who said we had to have one. It was right after Miss Rasmussen changed our seats around and Judy was freaking out, as usual. She was starting to get pimples on her face over this. We met at Brenton's house after school because Judy didn't want us to be seen together at recess. She was all worried.

JUDY DOUGLAS, GRADE 5

Teachers don't just move everybody's desk around for no reason. Usually it's because of a behavior problem. Or maybe they find out that some kid has bad eyesight or hearing and they need to sit closer to the front of the room. But none of that was going on.

None of the other groups were split up the way we were, with each of them stuck in a different corner. Miss Rasmussen did it on purpose. I was sure. She probably figured it all out. She probably knew about Belch. Everything I had worked so hard for was gone. My face was breaking out. I felt like my life was over.

KELSEY DONNELLY, GRADE 5

The phone rang one day when I was home alone. I picked it up and it was that Milner guy! He says he really wants to talk to me. The guy was like a stalker or something. I have no idea how he got my number. I hung up on him.

RONNIE TEOTWAWKI, GRADE 5

When Miss Rasmussen switched everybody's seat around, I was put at the same table as our genius-in-residence, Brenton Damagatchi. So I figured this was perfect! If any of those D Squad jerks was going to spill the beans, it would be him. He couldn't tell a lie to save his life. This would be my chance to get the truth out of him.

I tried to get all buddy-buddy with him first, making like I was his friend. I offered him gum. I asked him if he wanted to hang out after school. I asked him if he wanted to take a hike in the Canyon sometime. I asked him if he wanted to play ball or something.

Nothing. I couldn't get him to crack. He always
had an excuse. Whatever he was hiding, he wasn't saying.

Finally, I just said to him that I knew what he was up to and he'd better let me in on it or I was going to tell everybody. And he says, and what exactly am I up to? I didn't have anything to say, so I just shut up. He had me. That got me mad.

SAM DAWKINS, GRADE 5

Well, I lost again. My dad attacks with his queen and rook at the same time, and it's like there are intersecting laser beams shooting all over the board. My pieces were all locked up and in each other's way.

So I bring my chessboard into class and we all try to think of every possible move I could make to get out of the situation, but it's hopeless. Brenton says I'm in Zugzwang, which means that any move you make only makes your position worse. I had to resign.

Afterward, my dad sends me an e-mail telling he how proud he is of me. He says I put up a good fight. When I was little, I remember, he used to let me win at games and sports. I would beat him all the time. But he said I was getting too old for that, and I have to learn how to handle losing because
in the real world sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.

It made me feel good. We started a new game.

MISS RASMUSSEN, FIFTH-GRADE TEACHER

One day I noticed that the homework turned in by Brenton, Kelsey, Judy, and Sam was remarkably similar, except for the handwriting. This was
after
I had switched their seats around. I also noticed that the four of them still left school together at the end of the day.

I don't know why it took me so long to notice the similarities in their work. With so many papers to correct every night, I just didn't make the connection. And their work was so well done. I tend to notice the kids who make a lot of mistakes, not the kids who get everything right.

I hope that after I've been teaching for a few years, I won't be so overwhelmed with work and will be able to pay more attention to things like this.

SAM DAWKINS, GRADE 5

Miss Rasmussen pulls me aside after school one day and says what an awesome job I'm doing on my homework. I say thanks and try to get out
of there as fast as possible. But then she asks me if I ever copy off anybody.

Now that I'm looking back on it all, I guess I should have been insulted. I mean, she was basically saying I'm too dumb to do such good work on my own. But I was cheating, so I wasn't too insulted.

I say no, I do not copy off anybody. And that was the truth, technically. I never copied my homework off Brenton or Judy or anybody. I didn't have to. Belch did the homework
for
me. But I didn't tell Miss Rasmussen that.

KELSEY DONNELLY, GRADE 5

The three of them got all bent out of shape after Miss Rasmussen had that talk with Snik. They decided that me and Snik had to start getting some of the answers wrong so it wouldn't look like a machine was doing our homework for us. So now we had to cheat so it wouldn't look like we were cheating! What a hassle. I can make mistakes just fine on my own.

BRENTON DAMAGATCHI, GRADE 5

It became necessary to rewrite the Belch software to program in intentional mistakes at random
intervals for Snik and Kelsey's homework. This was an interesting challenge, and I enjoyed it immensely. It's easy to design a machine that will work perfectly all the time. It's harder to design one that will work perfectly just
most
of the time. It goes against the nature of machines.

It reminded me of what they did with Post-it notes. They created an adhesive that was sticky, but not too sticky. If Post-it notes were stickier, they would not serve their purpose. You wouldn't be able to pull them off and stick them somewhere else. They're perfect because they don't work very well. In other words, they're perfect because they fail. That was what I had to accomplish with Belch.