The Importance of Being Earnest (5 page)

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
. Yes.

(Pause. Enter Parker.)

Parker!

P
ARKER
. Yes, my lord.
(Comes down L.C.)

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
. Have this note sent to Mrs. Erlynne at No. 84A Curzon Street.
(Crossing to L.C. and giving note to Parker.)
There is no answer!

(Exit Parker C.)

L
ADY
W
INDERMERE
. Arthur, if that woman comes here, I shall insult her.

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
. Margaret, don’t say that.

L
ADY
W
INDERMERE
. I mean it.

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
. Child, if you did such a thing, there’s not a woman in London who wouldn’t pity you.

L
ADY
W
INDERMERE
. There is not a
good
woman in London who would not applaud me. We have been too lax. We must make an example. I propose to begin to-night.
(Picking up fan.)
Yes, you gave me this fan to-day; it was your birthday present. If that woman crosses my threshold, I shall strike her across the face with it.

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
. Margaret, you couldn’t do such a thing.

L
ADY
W
INDERMERE
. You don’t know me!
(Moves R.)

(Enter Parker.)

Parker!

P
ARKER
. Yes, my lady.

L
ADY
W
INDERMERE
. I shall dine in my own room. I don’t want dinner, in fact. See that everything is ready by half-past ten. And, Parker, be sure you pronounce the names of the guests very distinctly to-night. Sometimes you speak so fast that I miss them. I am particularly anxious to hear the names quite clearly, so as to make no mistake. You understand, Parker?

P
ARKER
. Yes, my lady.

L
ADY
W
INDERMERE
. That will do!

(Exit Parker C.)

(Speaking to Lord Windermere.)
Arthur, if that woman comes here—I warn you——

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
. Margaret, you’ll ruin us!

L
ADY
W
INDERMERE
. Us! From this moment my life is separate from yours. But if you wish to avoid a public scandal, write at once to this woman, and tell her that I forbid her to come here!

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
. I will not—I cannot—she must come!

L
ADY
W
INDERMERE
. Then I shall do exactly as I have said.
(Goes R.)

You leave me no choice.

(Exit R.)

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
.
(Calling after her.)
Margaret! Margaret!
(A pause.)
My God! What shall I do? I dare not tell her who this woman really is. The shame would kill her.
(Sinks down into a chair and buries his face in his hands.)

ACT DROP

S
CENE
—Drawing-room in Lord Windermere’s house. Door R.U. opening into ball-room, where band is playing. Door L. through which guests are entering. Door L.U. opens on to illuminated terrace. Palms, flowers, and brilliant lights. Room crowded with guests. Lady Windermere is receiving them
.

D
UCHESS OF
B
ERWICK
.
(Up C.)
So strange Lord Windermere isn’t here. Mr. Hopper is very late, too. You have kept those five dances for him, Agatha?
(Comes down.)

L
ADY
A
GATHA
. Yes, mamma.

D
UCHESS OF
B
ERWICK
.
(Sitting on sofa.)
Just let me see your card. I’m so glad Lady Windermere has revived cards.—They’re a mother’s only safeguard. You dear simple little thing!
(Scratches out two names.)
No nice girl should ever waltz with such particularly younger sons! It looks so fast! The last two dances you might pass on the terrace with Mr. Hopper.

(Enter Mr. Dumby and Lady Plymdale from the ball-room
.

L
ADY
A
GATHA
. Yes, mamma.

D
UCHESS OF
B
ERWICK
.
(Fanning herself.)
The air is so pleasant there.

P
ARKER
. Mrs. Cowper-Cowper. Lady Stutfield. Sir James Royston. Mr. Guy Berkeley.

(These people enter as announced.)

D
UMBY
. Good evening, Lady Stutfield. I suppose this will be the last ball of the season?

L
ADY
S
TUTFIELD
. I suppose so, Mr. Dumby. It’s been a delightful season, hasn’t it?

D
UMBY
. Quite delightful! Good evening, Duchess. I suppose this will be the last ball of the season?

D
UCHESS OF
B
ERWICK
. I suppose so, Mr. Dumby. It has been a very dull season, hasn’t it?

D
UMBY
. Dreadfully dull! Dreadfully dull!

M
RS
. C
OWPER
-C
OWPER
. Good evening, Mr. Dumby. I suppose this will be the last ball of the season?

D
UMBY
. Oh, I think not. There’ll probably be two more.
(Wanders back to Lady Plymdale.)

P
ARKER
. Mr. Rufford. Lady Jedburgh and Miss Graham. Mr. Hopper.

(These people enter as announced.)

H
OPPER
. How do you do, Lady Windermere? How do you do, Duchess?
(Bows to Lady Agatha.)

D
UCHESS OF
B
ERWICK
. Dear Mr. Hopper, how nice of you to come so early. We all know how you are run after in London.

H
OPPER
. Capital place, London! They are not nearly so exclusive in London as they are in Sydney.

D
UCHESS OF
B
ERWICK
. Ah! we know your value, Mr. Hopper. We wish there were more like you. It would make life so much easier. Do you know, Mr. Hopper, dear Agatha and I are so much interested in Australia. It must be so pretty with all the dear little kangaroos flying about. Agatha has found it on the map. What a curious shape it is! Just like a large packing case. However, it is a very young country, isn’t it?

H
OPPER
. Wasn’t it made at the same time as the others, Duchess?

D
UCHESS OF
B
ERWICK
. How clever you are, Mr. Hopper. You have a cleverness quite of your own. Now I mustn’t keep you.

H
OPPER
. But I should like to dance with Lady Agatha, Duchess.

D
UCHESS OF
B
ERWICK
. Well, I
hope
she has a dance left. Have you a dance left, Agatha?

L
ADY
A
GATHA
. Yes, mamma.

D
UCHESS OF
B
ERWICK
. The next one?

L
ADY
A
GATHA
. Yes, mamma.

H
OPPER
. May I have the pleasure?
(Lady Agatha bows.)

D
UCHESS OF
B
ERWICK
. Mind you take great care of my little chatterbox, Mr. Hopper.

(Lady Agatha and Mr. Hopper pass into ball-room.)

(Enter Lord windermere L.)

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
. Margaret, I want to speak to you.

L
ADY
W
INDERMERE
. In a moment.
(The music stops.)

P
ARKER
. Lord Augustus Lorton.

(Enter Lord Augustus.)

L
ORD
A
UGUSTUS
. Good evening, Lady Windermere.

D
UCHESS OF
B
ERWICK
. Sir James, will you take me into the ball-room? Augustus has been dining with us to-night. I really have had quite enough of dear Augustus for the moment.

(Sir James Royston gives the Duchess his arm and escorts her into the ball-room.)

P
ARKER
. Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Bowden. Lord and Lady Paisley. Lord Darlington.

(These people enter as announced
.

L
ORD
A
UGUSTUS
.
(Coming up to Lord Windermere.)
Want to speak to you particularly, dear boy. I’m worn to a shadow. Know I don’t look it. None of us men do look what we really are.
Demmed
good thing, too. What I want to know is this. Who is she? Where does she come from? Why hasn’t she got any demmed relations? Demmed nuisance, relations! But they make one so demmed respectable.

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
. You are talking of Mrs. Erlynne, I suppose? I only met her six months ago. Till then, I never knew of her existence.

L
ORD
A
UGUSTUS
. You have seen a good deal of her since then.

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
.
(Coldly.)
Yes, I have seen a good deal of her since then. I have just seen her.

L
ORD
A
UGUSTUS
. Egad! the women are very down on her. I have been dining with Arabella this evening! By Jove! you should have heard what she said about Mrs. Erlynne. She didn’t leave a rag on her. …
(Aside.)
Berwick and I told her that didn’t matter much, as the lady in question must have an extremely fine figure. You should have seen Arabella’s expression! … But, look here, dear boy. I don’t know what to do about Mrs. Erlynne. Egad! I might be married to her; she treats me with such demmed indifference. She’s deuced clever, too! She explains everything. Egad! she explains you. She has got any amount of explanations for you—and all of them different.

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
. No explanations are necessary about my friendship with Mrs. Erlynne.

L
ORD
A
UGUSTUS
. Hem! Well, look here, dear old fellow. Do you think she will ever get into this demmed thing called society? Would you introduce her to your wife? No use beating about the confounded bush. Would you do that?

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
. Mrs. Erlynne is coming here to-night.

L
ORD
A
UGUSTUS
. Your wife has sent her a card?

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
. Mrs. Erlynne has received a card.

L
ORD
A
UGUSTUS
. Then she’s all right, dear boy. But why didn’t you tell me that before. It would have saved me a heap of worry and demmed misunderstandings!

(Lady Agatha and Mr. Hopper cross and exit on terrace L.U.E.)

P
ARKER
. Mr. Cecil Graham!

(Enter Mr. Cecil Graham.)

C
ECIL
G
RAHAM
.
(Bows to Lady Windermere, passes over and shakes hands with Lord Windermere.)
Good evening, Arthur. Why don’t you ask me how I am? I like people to ask me how I am. It shows a widespread interest in my health. Now, to-night I am not at all well. Been dining with my people. Wonder why it is one’s people are always so tedious? My father would talk morality after dinner. I told him he was old enough to know better. But my experience is that as soon as people are old enough to know better, they don’t know anything at all. Hullo, Tuppy! Hear you’re going to be married again; thought you were tired of that game.

L
ORD
A
UGUSTUS
. You’re excessively trivial, my dear boy, excessively trivial!

C
ECIL
G
RAHAM
. By the way, Tuppy, which is it? Have you been twice married and once divorced, or twice divorced and once married? I say you’ve been twice divorced and once married. It seems so much more probable.

L
ORD
A
UGUSTUS
. I have a very bad memory. I really don’t remember which.
(Moves away R.)

L
ADY
P
LYMDALE
. Lord Windermere, I’ve something most particular to ask you.

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
. I am afraid—if you will excuse me—I must join my wife.

L
ADY
P
LYMDALE
. Oh, you mustn’t dream of such a thing. It’s most dangerous now-a-days for a husband to pay any attention to his wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when they’re alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks like a happy married life. But I’ll tell you what it is at supper.
(Moves towards door of ball-room.)

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
.
(C.)
Margaret! I
must
speak to you.

L
ADY
W
INDERMERE
. Will you hold my fan for me, Lord Darlington? Thanks.
(Comes down to him.)

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
.
(Crossing to her.)
Margaret, what you said before dinner was, of course, impossible?

L
ADY
W
INDERMERE
. That woman is not coming here to-night!

L
ORD
W
INDERMERE
.
(R.C.)
Mrs. Erlynne is coming here, and if you in any way annoy or wound her, you will bring shame and sorrow on us both. Remember that! Ah, Margaret! only trust me! A wife should trust her husband!

L
ADY
W
INDERMERE
.
(C.)
London is full of women who trust their husbands. One can always recognise them. They look so thoroughly unhappy. I am not going to be one of them.
(Moves up.)
Lord Darlington, will you give me back my fan, please? Thanks…. A useful thing a fan, isn’t it?… I want a friend tonight, Lord Darlington: I didn’t know I would want one so soon.