The Kitchen Shrink (27 page)

Jenn-aye the host interrupted us. “I hate to break up your little love fest,” she said, “but there’s one more surprise we have.”

The crowd oohed, as if wondering what it could be. “We’d like to thank our many viewers who voted via email and added their suggestions and thoughts, which we here at The Kitchen Shrink took into consideration. And that’s our surprise. Lisby, would you please rejoin the group?”

I walked back over to the rest of the gang. Not next to Mark. A soft drum roll sounded in the background, along with whiplashing laser lights set to some techno-beat. I had to shut my eyes.

“One of you four,” continued the host, “is in for a real treat. We’ve decided to listen to our viewers, and bring back one of you contestants for the next season of The Kitchen Shrink.” I had heard the show had been renewed, but I didn’t know anything about this.

The crowd cheered. Mark, Mary and Edna looked as proud and confident as if they had successfully installed a garbage disposal all by themselves, without reading the directions, in world record time. Why did they look so eager? How could that be? Who in their right mind would want to go through all this again? Nearly two months of cameras shoved up your nose and in your business? Why would anyone volunteer for weeks and weeks of trying to hide and lie and pretending to be nice and normal?

Oh dear God, no. I pasted a gritty smile on my face and felt my teeth show through the small crack in my lips. Please, please, please. Not me. I turned my head as Edna grabbed my hand and then reached for Mary’s, who was holding Mark’s hand. They were all but squealing with excitement, Edna’s hand was cutting off my circulation as I felt them all praying to be chosen. Are they freaking kidding? Who would want to go through that again? All of our eyes glommed onto to the host as she shimmied her way to the podium and held up the envelope that contained, at least in my mind, the name of the biggest loser.

“This envelope contains the contestant, chosen by our viewers, to reappear on the our next season of The Kitchen Shrink.” The audience was quiet, as the music thudded, thudded, thudded, raising everyone’s blood pressure. Or maybe that was just a blood vessel in my brain, threatening to blow.

“Will it be Edna?” teased the host. Edna let go of my hand to cover her mouth to stifle a scream. “Or Mark?” Jenn-aye continued. Mark nodded like he was sure it was him. While the camera was on him he made the sign of the cross then kissed his fingers and blew his kiss heavenward. If there is a God, surely in His infinite wisdom, He will catch that kiss and deliver.

“Or how about Mary?” She waved cutely to the camera.

“Or Lisby?” I wanted to vomit.

She slit open the envelope, jerking her head back as if in surprise. “Are you ready?” The music stuttered. She took a deep breath. “As we head into our next season of The Kitchen Shrink, the show that believes if you’re having problems with your life, your house could use some TLC, too, we need to thank all of our contestants.”

She looked over at us. I needed to go the bathroom. Really badly.

“All of you should be very proud of yourselves. You have all proved to yourself and to us, that your hard work in getting your houses in order, helped get your lives back on track, too. Elbow grease meets the mental health police.” The crowd roared.

Oh, crud. Who writes this stuff? I did kegel exercises to try to quench my urge to pee. How long can they drag this out? Surely they’ve run through their allotment of commercial breaks?

“Drum roll, please?” Jenn-aye lifted her hand to the band. “Let’s see who gets another shot on The Kitchen Shrink.” She held up the paper to read. “Let’s find out who is moving on to continue on the ultimate home and life makeover journey…” she paused as saliva gathered in my mouth, “after the break.”

They were bringing back Mark, thank God. Not me. I guess freak shows are more fun to watch and filled with drama. Elgin told me viewers prefer watching people they don’t like more than people they do. How weird is that? The old schadenfreude guilty pleasure of watching someone else getting taken down a peg or two, I guess.

I dodged another bullet and can get on with my life. I can’t believe it, but my kids were disappointed we weren’t doing another show. Their reality is so self-centered and short-sighted. They finally found out about their dead goldfish, Orange Juice, on the fourth episode.

Nicole has been growing up right before my eyes, and though we still bicker a lot, I really enjoy who she’s becoming. Ryan is headed to Cal State San Marcos, hallelujah, where it appears he plans to major in Guitar Hero.

Since Elgin won, he was moving onto the next show to continue as a designer. I heard he was going to be in Santa Fe. May the force be with him. I mean his next victim. Although, you can bet your boots I will be watching to see what version of reality he comes up with next. (FYI, He was right about painting my bathroom brown. I’ve since repainted it a Tiffany blue with white trim.)

Phil-O got back from his job in San Francisco and we had lunch together the other day. That’s all. I promise. If my daughter were older I’d probably try to fix them up. OK, that was gross. But I don’t have anyone to introduce him to, and he’s such a great guy. Really.

I think my ex, Brett, wants to get back together with me. Even though I’m in a new enlightened state and trying to be open in my communications with the people in my life, I am so pretending not to understand his intentions. I like that he’s a part of our life with the kids, but that’s it. The reality is, I don’t hold a grudge, and I don’t want to hold his hand, either.

Daria is still hot and heavy with the Martinator. Even though I can’t call him that anymore. Oof, I just got the shivers, and not in a good way. I may not understand their relationship or her attraction to him, but then again, that’s not my reality either, right? I’ve actually gone out to dinner with them several times and after those first awkward moments, when bad memories kept flashing through my mind to taunt me, I managed to find my manners. Etiquette is the way of dealing with things that shouldn’t have happened by pretending they didn’t.

The Kitchen Shrink really did capture a snapshot of my life. It didn’t lie. It didn’t make up footage or put words in my mouth. But it did take liberties in editing, mixing things up, taking things out of context and producing a storyline that wasn’t necessarily my version of the truth. It didn’t capture everything that was going on in my life at the time, thank God.

It did get me out of my comfort zone, that’s for sure...and maybe that’s what I need to do from time to time, because that’s where the good stuff is.

The day after the grand finale of the show, when I was finally, truly, once and for all off the hook, I got a FedEx delivery. It was a box of cereal. Lucky Charms. From Sam. How lucky can one girl get?

The Scent of Jade

A woman is lost in the Costa Rican rainforest with an ancient idol that may hold secrets to global warming!

 

“Romancing The Stone” meets “Survivor” for Julie Fraser, who was minding her own business, living her life as snug as a bug in a rut in San Diego, California. As the least adventurous person she knows, Julie finally whooped it up one day to jet off and surprise her husband, who was on a business trip in Costa Rica. Reeling from the discovery that her husband wasn’t who she thought he was, she accidentally steals an ancient artifact and is chased through the wilds of the rainforest, not knowing where to turn, literally, or whom to trust. She knew she should have stayed home.

 

Can a monkey, a blonde Juan, a foreign scientist, a mysterious ‘love potion’ and the jade stone itself (that may hold secrets to global warming), help Julie on her mission to find and forgive her husband?

 

As the stolen idol catapults Julie on her quest, she discovers truths along the way about herself and her place in the universe.  The Scent of Jade is creative and unique with surprising twists—in turns suspenseful and heartbreaking, combining humor and romance to reach the payoff ending.  Original characters keep the pages turning, drawing those who love mystery, suspense, romance, and adventure. While there are no vampires, readers are invited to enjoy the intrigue...

 

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00466HRVY

 

‘Til Somebody Loves You, Romantic Comedy Quick-Pick

When a copywriter for a Chicago ad agency has to promote a new celebrity fragrance, she’s convinced its secret ingredient is the key to her happily-ever-after! MaryBeth Winters weaves advertising slogans with sweet dreams about her office crush, Dean Dineno. Adventures along the way help her discover how much fun it is to be a damsel in distress—who can also save the day!

 

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0047O2Q6Q

 

Dee DeTarsio is a television writer living in southern California. After growing up in Ennui, Ohio, and graduating from Ohio State University she vowed ‘never to be cold again’ (in a tantrum more worthy of Suellen than Scarlett) and ended up in Tucson, Arizona, producing the news for the CBS affiliate, oddly enough called KOLD-TV. She moved to San Diego where she worked in the SeaWorld entertainment department as a Producer/Writer, (Penguins are mean!) and then became a Producer/Writer with NBC for a live, comedy/variety show.

 

After working for Children’s Hospital, she totally sold out and became the Marketing Director of a cosmetic dermatology group where she got free Botox. Her husband is a Director of Photography and travels around the world while she stays behind as the indentured servant of their two children. Though her father was never famous and her mother never beat her (that hard!) she suspects one of her sisters is a vampire...