The Knight Behind the Pillar (45 page)

             
He continued to approach and I had somehow found myself gathered in an unofficial line with other men waiting to be seen by him.  Any chance to go unnoticed was over and I was also unable to move, lost in my own hate and frozen by it.  He stepped across to the front of me and his hand touched my shoulder lightly. 

             
“You did well.”  He commented. 

             
He looked at me in that moment before seamlessly continuing his path along his loyal soldiers.   Despite having raised my head to meet his glaze, he did not truly see me.  Onwards he proceeded to the next man instead and continued his inspection tour.  I turned my head and let my eyes followed him.  He had not recognised me!  My mind so confused I wondered at first if he failed to see me just because I was taller or older now than when I left him.  I realised my own stupidity quickly.  The simple truth was that while I was older, my appearance now was as everyone else’s unified by dirt, blood and looks of exhaustion, grief and pain.  Still there was the slightest hope or fear he would have known me beyond all reason, then again why would he see his son as no inner sense or bond would tell him I was standing before him?  I knew in my soul if I was honest that we never had such a tie. 

             
“Thank you, father.” I whispered to myself instead of a shout I might have tried to call him back. 

             
I retreated.   I staggered away and while not able to run I had to get away as fast as I was able.  Had to flee from my past, cower from the one enemy today I could not face and stare down.

             
Smoke still drifted across the hill side, denser again as I found myself heading back to the town and fort.  The fog continued to cause a cough from time to time, but was a little lighter than during the battle itself.  Closer I could see the damage to the town and it was more apparent than I thought.  It had become a collection of ruins in a matter of hours.  Stone walls still stood for many buildings, but roofs had burned or collapsed and then burned to nothing.  A few round houses on the outskirts remained untouched, but those timber buildings within the town had been consumed by fire and nothing would remain in time as the last fires burned.  I could see people in amongst the buildings, townsfolk and soldiers or knights, only I thought it too late now and there was nothing to be saved.  They continued to hunt for their possessions with hope that something remained.  At least it was something to distract the mind from the death outside the destroyed windows.

             
I dragged myself on towards the buildings, but slowed as I was about to pass a man kneeing before a body.  I did not want to get to close or disturb, but I saw I knew him.  The smoke marked blackened face of King Alain glanced unexpectedly across to me, perhaps responding to a noise I was not aware of making.  I stepped back a little in surprise.  He too was cut and bruised and clearly he had been fighting alongside the rest of us.  He was also not pleased to have been disturbed; his ash smeared face was clear on this matter for a second and then gained a degree of composure. 

             
“He was a useless fool.” Alain snapped, dismissing the body and he quickly stood up from it. 

             
Only the mask was not complete, his eyes revealed regret and a touch of sadness I would never had thought possible.  For the briefest moment he showed more emotion and cared for another person more than I could remember my own father ever doing.  This was wrong!  This new world was wrong and it tormented me.

             
I stood still without words as Alain stepped away from the body.  “Your first battle young man?”  He asked to which I nodded slowly.   With the stern voice more familiar to me from the last few days he continued, “I’m sorry to say you will not find any solace here, I suggest you find it elsewhere and with someone else.”

             
Again his eyes said he did not entirely mean or believe his own words.  However, that light quickly faded and he turned and marched away.  Alain had not I believed recognised or remembered me and I doubted that it was a purposeful act this time.  Soon his voice was heard in the distance shouting for Aries, yelling once more for attention and control.

             
I remained and I stared back down to the body of Morvid, but I could only see the face of the boy I had killed.  The world was wrong, the world was wrong and had to stop, had to change!  Only right now I was as helpless to change it, as useless and dead inside as the body before me.  We might have won, but I was finally defeated, I let go of the edge and the son of Pellinore allowed the tears to run down his face. 

             
It took a while to find the energy or even a reason to walk on.  Only I did so after a long time as eventually there is nothing else to do.  I wearily headed back into the mess that was once a town. 

             
Time had little meaning, but I had noticed the sun had almost set and light was disappearing on this day.  On my way I looked towards the foreboding tower, it was different but I could not say how.  Just somehow it was less of something and no longer as impressive or powerful.  Unsure who survived or not, I did not want to find out yet.  I was not ready to heard of the pain of others or even good news.  I needed selfishly to understand my own pain, drown in my own guilt.  I needed a time of just nothing, a constant of no change so I could avoid thinking only linger on recent memory. 

             
I aimlessly lurched pass another couple of empty shells and more people searching ashes to discover what was left of their homes.  My aimlessness was false as it lead me to the hayloft, something inside me wanted to be here and I had let it.  It had three walls standing, but the front had collapsed as the wood over the entrance had given way.  The roof and first floor gone, the remains were piled on the ground.  The scabbard would be under it all somewhere.  It was another rare clear thought since the battle, since the killing.  Fear being the only emotion strong enough to dislodge the guilt and regret from my mind if only for a little while.

             
I scrambled across the debris, still hot in places and yet I had little concern for it.  Through stone and pieces of timber I found what remained of my old chest.  It was reduced to a few blacked out sections of timber and a collection of nails and brackets.  The scabbard should have been close by, underneath or to the side as it would have fell down in around the same place.  I searched again and deeper this time, moving pieces of stone and larger sections of burnt out timber and yet nothing.  Melting in the flames was unlikely as the chest brackets had just survived and I would have thought the scabbard was of better quality metal.  Besides something would have remained, at least the gemstones would have survived.  I hunted for any small lumps that might just be blacked out precious stones.  Ash covered me and any remaining colour left in my clothes was lost.  Something had to be here!

I pulled out another part of the timber roof and threw it to one side with renewed strength fuelled by growing desperation.  On the ground I searched again, by touch now more than sight as night closed in and dirt got in my eyes. 

              There were footsteps behind me, given away by breaking wood and stone moving, but I continued to hunt. 

             
“Whatever you be lookin for my boy, it won’t be found till morning now.” Stated Clegis from behind me.  I stopped digging and turned to face him, guilt flooded back.  Seeing me he just nodded.  His expression was that of someone who understood, maybe not the details, but knew and I did not have to say a word.  “Come on son, let’s get a drink and let Florie look at that head of yours.  This can all wait.”

             
I gently touched my face to find fresh blood dripping from it.  He held out a hand encouragingly and I was pulled up and lead away by it.

Chapter 10: The end of 1 dream and hope for another

              The scabbard was gone.

             
Bird song told me another day had already arrived.  Everyday birds shouted of their joy and hope with no regard for the suffering of men.  My suffering!  Maybe we were a joke to them?  They wake up, see how pathetic we are and they laughed at us every morning.  It was a restless night and now I awoke to more expectant horrors.

             
The scabbard was gone!

             
I was warm, more comfortable than I thought I would be, wanted or deserved to be.  I was wrapped in what I found to be fur coat and given its size it was undoubtedly Clegis’s.  I reeked of smoke, it hit me the moment my senses awoke before they could adjust and forget once more.  Florie had cleaned up the side of my head a little as she tended me last night, but the rest of me was the same as before.  Never before had I slept in my boots before, not that I meant to last night.  It was not pleasant as dirt and old sweat squished together around my toes as I stretched them to release the cramp.

             
The scabbard was…..shut up head, I don’t’ care!

             
I dragged off the coat and rolled over with a fair bit of grumbling.  Sunlight hurt as I attempted to let the new day in.  Grumbling turned to tired moaning as I cursed the light, the aches, cuts, busies and sleeping on the ground outside.  Finally I could see the ruins around me were still ruined and that meant lives remained lost and the hayloft had gone too.

             
That little voice that you knew was your own, but said things you did not want to hear like the truth was right.  And yes the scabbard was gone, the voice kept repeating the truth and I groaned again for it punishing me along with memories of yesterday that would always be with me. 

             
What I should be concerned with was difficult to work out.  The scabbard going missing would have been the greatest disaster of my life a few days ago.  Finding that the last of my remaining coin had also gone missing from its normal hiding place would also have been the greatest tragedy a few days before that.  Yet thanks to yesterday none of that mattered, nothing mattered and even my own life had altered value.

             
Moreover I had made a decision, actually two, and these had led me to stand before a plain, normal, featureless and familiar timber door in the fort.  It guarded the main banquet chamber where food was normally served.  My first decision this morning had been an important one and it was to get up.  A simple choice, but it meant I was deciding to live, live with myself somehow despite not yet knowing how.  I got up and ate with Clegis in front of an open air fire fuelled I concluded by remains of his home and saying very little.  In the quiet we both understood each other and had no need for words.  It was a comfort and afterwards I set off to the fort and to the plain timber door.

             
I was trembling slightly because behind this door was Arthur and his brother.  I had been told by servants where to go on route and was good news that they were alive, except the merriment of the news was lost on me.  Selfishly I stayed shut away in my own thoughts.  None of it was their fault I knew.  Their coming had been the start of events that lead me here, to this door and to the second decision.  I had decided no longer wished to be a knight!  I could not be a killer and add more faces to those that haunted me now.  I was wrong, totally wrong about who I was and what I was trying to be.  Besides, if I really thought more about it, what virtues did I offer?  I was a coward and had run away from my father, twice.  I had committed almost every sin there was be it a thief and a killer.  I slept in the hayloft because the halls repulsed me, thought I was better, and what kind of knight would I be?  And why would I want to be what I saw yesterday!  I intended to open the door, see Kay and tell him my thoughts and the decision.  I might still have to serve him, maybe as a servant, but he would never place a knighthood on me.

             
My hand paused at the door, just before the knock.  Perhaps, I considered, I should leave this for now.  It was only the day after a huge battle and undoubtedly they would be busy and did not need me to interrupt them.  Instead I could disappear, let the world believe I am dead if remembered by it at all.  Return to the days of having no name once more.   My hand was still and hung there waiting for a decision.  I wished I had thought of disappearing before entering the fort, but failed to think ahead enough.

             
I was interrupted in my deliberation by hearing a couple of steps to my side which came to a slow stop.  “You should knock,” Said Merlin lightly and I knew it was him before he had even spoke.  “He would be pleased to see you, to speak to someone who understands.”

             
“Who and understand what?” I answered with distain and still facing the door. 

             
“Well Kay left a little while ago, as did the others with preparations to make and so that only leaves our king.  We leave tomorrow to pursue Lot of course.”  Merlin stopped speaking seeing me looked confused as I fought not to look his way, but tried to stay focused on my hand.  “Ah, but I see you are not aware of this.  Perhaps it will be another chance to show off you swordsmanship skills again.”

             
“You know I fought?” I said surprised, my hand dropped away.