The Last Faerie Queen (29 page)

42

E
l
o
r
A

That night, we buried our dead and laid crimson petals over their graves. That night, Keegan was laid in an enchanted casket, which would keep his body preserved until Kylie was ready to say goodbye. And that night, as we settled into our chamber in the Unseelie Palace, where we would rest until we were healed, Taylor turned to me and said the last thing I expected.

“I don't think I can do this.” He turned to the window. Outside, the sun hovered low on the horizon, all bloody and red. Too much blood. Too much darkness.

Still, I pretended not to know what he was saying. “What do you mean?”

He gestured to the bed. His skin was pale. Once golden, now dulled by lack of light. He looked like he'd aged a hundred years.

Did you Rip van Winkle us?
Kylie had asked.

No, I have done something worse.
I have aged your heart.
I have aged your soul.

I placed my hand over his chest. When he looked down, it was as if he didn't even know me. Or perhaps he knew me too well.

“I can't stay here tonight,” he said. “I can't stay with you. I'm sorry.”

I climbed off the bed. Like I'd done in our hotel room after prom, so many weeks ago. So many centuries ago, it seemed. I knelt before him. “Talk to me.”

His hands went to my hair. It seemed like a reflex now, like something he couldn't help.

Yes, run with that,
I thought, dying to feel his lips on mine.
Give in to it.
Don't think.
Just feel.

These thoughts were dangerous. But what could I recognize, if not danger?

“I keep trying,” he said, staring into my eyes. “If you'd asked me yesterday, or a week ago, or a month, where I wanted to be forever, it was here.” Again he gestured to the blankets, all tangled up beneath him. “With you. In bed.” He laughed, the tiniest bit.

It sounded brittle, like twigs snapping. Like bones breaking. Bitter, like blood on your lips.

“I could never have imagined a scenario where I wouldn't want this,” he said.

“And now?” I asked, my heart falling into darkness.

“Now, I keep thinking about sleeping here with you tonight, and I just can't
get
there. It doesn't feel right. I keep trying to force it, when I know that's wrong. I thought we'd be celebrating, but how can we, after what's happened? I thought we'd be so much in love, and showing each other that, but how can I, if—”

“You don't love me anymore?”

His face crumpled the way Kylie's had. “I love you more than anything in this world. I love you enough to kill or die. That's what scares me.”

“But you didn't kill. Not when it wasn't required.”

“No. But you … ” He looked away. “You let Brad die.”

My gaze fell to the bed. My bed, all dressed up in black and red. Blood and darkness.

Oh. So he's right about me.

“Yes. I let Brad die,” I said, touching the blankets. Changing their hue with the slightest bit of effort. “Threw him to the wolves, even.” But we did not say “threw him to the wolves” in the Dark Court. We said “threw him to the humans.”

The Dark Court has fallen
, I reminded myself, but then, it had only just happened. And old habits weren't murdered easily.

I shuddered, taking hold of his hands. “I had to protect
you
,” I said.

He nodded. “I keep thinking about it. Wondering if there was another way out. But there wasn't, was there? She was going to kill one of us. If it wasn't him, it was going to be me.” 

“Yes.” With shaking fingers, I lifted my hand to his cheek. He was pale, but he was still warm. Pale and warm, like the dark faeries.

Is he right to protect himself from me?

“I know why you did it, I understand your reasoning. But I still can't get past it,” he said. “Can't get past that it happened.
Seeing
it … ”

“Maybe in time—”

“I know about Keegan, too,” he said. “I know what he offered to do. I heard you talking in the forest.”

My breath caught in my throat. “I wouldn't let him do it.”

Taylor nodded, but his gaze was so far away. Trapped somewhere in the past where I couldn't reach him. “So you did everything you could to stop him?”

“I told him it was forbidden. Told him I'd never sacrifice him to protect myself.”

“Never,” he said softly, and his meaning was obvious.
Never
couldn't be that long if Keegan was dead.

“You think it's my fault?” I realized, my hand jerking to my side defensively.

“I think it's Naeve's fault. And Keegan's. And the Bright Lady's.”

“And mine.” 

He was quiet a minute, but his silence spoke volumes. “I don't think it's your fault.”

The breath rushed into me. The life rushed into me. And then he knocked it out again. “But I think you could've stopped it. I think you could've tried harder, and forbidden the Queen.”

“I … ” The words died on my lips. “I didn't think to forbid her,” I confessed. “I didn't think I had that power.”

“But you would've tried, if it were me. If I'd offered myself, you would've tried anything to stop it.”

“How can you punish me for loving you?”

“I'm not. I'm not even mad.” He took his head in his hands. I wanted those hands to be mine. But they weren't, just like he wasn't. “I'm just heartbroken and furious with myself and I can't
look
at you.”

Those words were like shards in my back. And I should know. I'd actually felt them. But as for a dagger in the throat, well …

Keegan had suffered that for me. Was Taylor right, then? Would I have fought harder to protect
him
?

Of course I would have. I would have done anything. I would have thrown my body in front of the knife.

“I did everything I could think to do, logically. I promise you—”

“But you would've done more to protect me?”

“Yes,” I said. His eyes closed at the sound of it. “Because I am not logical with you. You are not logical with me. This love, this thing between us … it makes us do stupid, reckless things. But I cannot be punished for being logical with others. That isn't fair.” I reached for him, and he pulled out of my grasp. It made me feel desperate. I would kill just to touch him. But that was the problem, wasn't it?

“If I had it to do over, I would try harder,” I told him. “But you said it yourself, I can't control what any of you do. It isn't my decision.”

When he looked up, his eyes were red. He looked as if he was on the brink of despair. Well, good. We could meet each other there. “
Why
were you late to the battle?
Why
was he in your place to begin with? It should've been—”

“Me.”

“No. Not you.” He shook his head, hair falling around his face. I wanted to grab it, wrap my fingers around it, and …

Stop
.

“Who else could it have been?” I asked. “It was him or it was me. There was no other choice.”

“It could've been me.”

“And you could've been dead. And then, Taylor my love, you would not want to have seen your wicked princess. You would not want to have seen the darkness I would've unleashed on them. All of them. I wouldn't have cared who—”

I stopped. The look on his face stopped me. He was crawling backward, away from me.

“The Bright Lady tricked me,” I explained, but it was too late. The damage had been done, and he knew who I was now. A monster. The Dark Princess. “She bound me, alongside my mother. She used my own trick against me! I only broke free because … ” But I couldn't say the rest. Couldn't speak of another sacrifice among many. My beloved Illya. Even as tears filled my eyes, I realized the uselessness of trying to bring him back to me. Illya had died and Keegan had died and Brad had died.

Because of me.

“You're right,” I said. “I should have been up there. I shouldn't have trusted the Seelie Queen. I should have done everything I could to protect all of you, and I didn't. And I'm
sorry.
” I lowered my head to my hands. All of it was washing over me, the sadness, the grief. “I'm so sorry. I understand why you don't want me.”

“I want you,” he said, and my head snapped up. My tears stopped. “I want you, and I would have you, with blood still on my hands. That's the problem. My love for you does something
bad
to me.”

“No.”

“Your love for me does something
bad
to you.”

I have always been bad
, I thought, but I did not say it. It would just drive him away from me.

He's already leaving.

“Please, just a little more time,” I begged, asking for the thing he had always asked of me. “Please have the mercy to grant what I could not grant to you.”

He shook his head. “You were right. All along, you knew this was impossible.”

“Just
one night
. One small thing.” I could see us, showering together in the falls. Washing the blood off each other's skin. Washing the tears. Hands so delicate. Kisses so sweet.

I did something I am not proud of then. I crawled onto the bed and pressed my lips to his. I appealed to the body, when I should have appealed to the heart. The soul. But such things are not as separated as humans believe. My heart responded to him as we kissed. My soul wrapped around him as my body did.

“Please,” I whispered, kissing him fiercely.
Please, you don't know how hard it was for me to trust you. To trust anyone.
Please don't prove I was right all along
, I thought. But all I said was, “Please.”

His hands curled into my hair.

“I love you,” I whispered, fingers trailing past the bandage on his chest. If I could just heal him, maybe things would be different.

“Your love is dangerous,” he said as I passed his navel and fumbled with the buttons of his pants.

“Yes, but not only,” I promised.

“Your love could kill me.”

“But it won't.” My hand slid down, and for a moment, time stilled. For a moment, we were cradled in the center of the universe, and no one could reach us and pull us back. “We have seen the darkest parts of love,” I told him as he pressed into me, kissing me so fiercely, it almost hurt. “Now, let us see the brightest. Love can kill, but love can also save your life. You saved mine.”

“I didn't,” he breathed, leaning into me.

I had almost reached him. “You have no idea.”

Everything stopped. Our breathing stopped. Our kisses stopped. I knew I had him, but only physically.

I took my hand back.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

I took my body back, though my heart stayed with him.

“I'm sorry,” I said.

“Why?” he asked, breathing heavily.

Because I wanted you so badly, I would've used your body to get to you.
And I couldn't, because love doesn't do that. Love doesn't hurt to get what it wants. It doesn't use, or trick, or manipulate. The very idea goes
against
love.

“Why are you sorry?” he pressed.

I lowered my head, feeling the distance between us. “Because I don't know how I'm going to live without you.”

He was quiet a minute. Finally, he said, “I just need some time. A couple of days. I need to figure things out.”

I nodded, waiting silently. I knew he had more to say. I knew him so well. My hands were closing in on themselves.

“It's just … ever since I met you, everything I've done has been for you.”

“Yes, but Taylor, I didn't ask for that—”

“You didn't have to,” he said. “I wanted to be in your service. You were my queen from the minute we met. I would've bowed at your feet. I would've tied myself up and cut my wrists with the vines.” He swallowed, closing his eyes. “I would've sat like a dog waiting patiently if it meant I could have you. Because that's what I thought it would take.”

“But you have me.”

“And what did it cost me? I've been shackled for you. I've killed for you. I almost died for you. I gave up my freedom for you. My family—”

“We've been reckless,” I said.

“No.” He shook his head. “I wasn't reckless. I was
deliberate
. I knew what I was doing.”

“You were merciful in the end. You didn't kill Naeve.”

“Right. Killing is—”

“What I would've done.”

“Yes. And you wouldn't have felt bad.”

“Not as much as you would have.”

“Because we're different,” he said.

“No.”

He nodded, taking my face in his hands. For a moment, I thought he was going to kiss me, but he didn't. He couldn't.

We're different.

We're different.

We're different.

All my life, I'd felt different.
Why are you playing with us?
the servants had asked, scurrying away from me.
Why are your wings so tattered and ugly?
the courtiers had teased. Naeve couldn't stand me. My mother couldn't look at me.

“You're the only one who made me feel like I belonged.” I searched Taylor's eyes. “You are my home. The home I've been searching for.”

My true love said nothing.

That's all right. I know what to do now,
I thought
.
There was one piece of unfinished business, one last battle to fight, and though I was not as strong as she was, if I caught her by surprise, I could still take her down. Together, we'd risen to power. Together, we'd fall to dust.