The Lesser Bohemians (28 page)

Alright Eily, that was good work. What are you doing this evening? Rehearsing til eight. Well, make sure you go straight home afterwards, get some dinner, then some rest. The Emotion Memory opens doors it’s important to shut again properly, do you understand? I do.

But there are two shades of light. First, the strip above my head. Second, the flashing Tell Tell. All these years of hiding in case she’d be upset when it’s only what happened to you. Good. Good decision.

Wait until eight.

Phone in the canteen, now it’s quiet. Go dial the O O Three Five Three Sevenone Eightfivefoureightone.

Hi Mammy. Yes. Yes I’m good. How are you? That’s great but listen, I want to tell you something about, remember at Easter? Who we met in the street? Yeah. Him. Look, the reason I was offish was       No I didn’t notice that. Really? You seemed fine with him I     Really? I always thought you two got along. You were always so friendly when he dropped me off or whenever we went over to the farm. Okay      yes      I sort of remember that, you always keeping me on your knee when he was around. No, sure I was only five or six, how could I know it was to protect yourself? Really? Every time? Then that was
a good idea alright     no     I suppose that makes sense     He’d never try it on in front of a child.

Step back. Step back from the phone and fall into somewhere else. No. Stick pences in. Try. Dial again. Wait. The So and So hotel and can I have this room and please and thanks. Ring and ring. Please pick up. Ring and ring. Please be there. Ring and ring. Ring and ring. Ring and ring. No answer. Ring and Ring. Ring     off

Hey, you alright? Looking a bit peaky. I’m fine   I just   Coming down to this party? I did an Emotion Memory earlier, I’m supposed to go home. Nah, fuck that, no one ever does, besides our phone’s cut off so you won’t be able to speak to loverboy anyway, come on, come on! We’ll have a laugh! And look     take that. I couldn’t. You could, a little bit of something fast’ll cheer you right up, you’ll see. So rub my mascara and take the wrap. Thanks. No worries, go powder your nose and I’ll see you down there, okay?

Look at her look at her look at you. What a fucking mess. All these years and little did you know, you were always by yourself. Snuff it then in the changing room. Tiptoe back out through Room One. Down the road, then giddy-up. Rubbed to the gums and, barely seconds along, I am running crystal clear.

I’ll get them in, I say, heading up the stairs. Where music bangs full. Moving the bodies. Greetings Earthlings. Hang over the bar. Vodka. Double. Please. Going for it tonight? And I give the barman my best granule beam. Knock it back, hardly rasping. Another? Yes please. Another? Flatmate waving at me, dancing like a dick. So I get him a pint just as the blood lifts. And the eyes laugh. See you later. I hope so, he says. Then make through the crowd with today’s poison hue getting killed off.
Pulled there, says the flatmate as I get beside. Look back to a smile from. Maybe I might have. But pushing with music. Bodies going around. Skirt life and flirt life. We are common enough now. Then steal forward to knowing what I’ve wondered in the past. She knew. Not exactly. But.
She knew what he was like and gave you to him
      and slip. Vodka quick licking in the midst of going up. Footing almost to the top. Waiting to. Waiting. To. And. Hear. The voice going Once a shagger. What? Loose every string. Go out in the smoke. Owl-eyed in this. In the junkyards and fuckyards of pick over prey. For some. For him, not me. Yet. Rest in their many arms. Twist my skin. Being young here because I am. Because all these days I have felt enough. And all this living hurts me so much. Get in behind my eyes. Colours of dark. In out of reason. Pull forward til I. Crave for him but the switch switches until, stretched and weepy, I see through my skin to the turquoise best of. A body overcome. I understand what he did. Magnificent, somehow. To give in. Wreck yourself so completely. The beauty of it. I can see past. Put my head in my noose. I want to kill myself or I want to go home. Enough of that! Flatmate steers gentswardly. Little Noseful. So, in my leeway, grant myself this. Then fall speckle-beaked down in through the night. My dominion. Reaching up through myself. Alight in this darkness. The lure of distress. I see it. I see. Him, standing somewhere with a stranger on her knees and. What part left person and what machine? I understand better now, amid this journey into what I am. Just the body of a woman looked at by the body of a man. And I catch the eyes. And I go over there. He’d sleep with me. This much I’ve learned. Forget that cunt, whispers the flatmate Come clubbing with us instead. But I stub out my cigarette and open myself to all that.

Alright Bright Eyes? Yeah, finished your shift at the bar?
Sure. Fox-brown eyes nip up me, and down. Join me, one on the house? Alright then. T-shirt riding as he reaches across. A line of hair to his navel that    I touch. Not shy then? Not any more. So we play at talking about how he talks. His American accent. How long he’s been here. Where he’s going tomorrow. Amsterdam. To do? Whatever, everything I can. I understand. And that I could fuck him. If I wanted. I might. For who’s to say what really happened with that girl that night? And today’s lesson is all pasts are adrift. So freckly and Irish, he says, dotting my dots, right the way down to where I could still stop. Anyway, I say I should go. No, you should definitely stay. Why’s that? Because, I think, he says It’s shagging time now, don’t you?

Somewhere above we walk in the black. Below the pub, shutting itself. All the sirens of north London going off this Friday night. Up here they weep in through the brick. Good to know life still goes on without me in it. And so it is, in the dark I get kissed. For that is the point. Until the mouth aches. Until the eyes roll back in my head and I won’t know it’s not him or care who it is. There is no preferring. Shoes off. Falling over his bags. Pulling up my. Pulling down my. Tattoo I can’t read and touch him and know how. Get on the bed. In by the nets and. Knickers right off and. Suffer his fingers. Breasts get what they get. All this familiar, already breeding contempt. Turn the eye elsewhere to make the body work right. Yet he pins me and in any man I wanted that. Is he thinking of me? Not of me doing this. Keep back from that. Make clean breaks. She knows how, at least. But the thought of him still gets me up towards off.
You really are disgusting but you’ve come this far so
      Go on through. Find the shape of the fuck. Put on the past if you have to. Who cares what happens? He can dig in me all he wants. Proper and large. Until he is not. Then kneeling up Give me
your mouth. Which I don’t   but then      why not? It’s the same all of it, when not with him. Why should I not be that again? Why did you even pretend to survive? Become yourself and hate yourself in the act. Gives what he wants for as long as he asks. When even that is not enough, watch him, above you, do it himself. Swearing things that make you laugh. Making ridiculous faces but      strange to know though      if this was him what would I not do to help, to bring him further on? This man I have no interest in. There’ll be no investigating the pleasure of this one. Leave him to investigate it himself – which he does to between my breasts. Then comes, like someone spat. Rubbing it in – he likes that. Smears my face. Fuck’s sake, get off. You love it, he says. Wipe my face on his blanket and know this cannot      ever      not be. Roll over. Watch his dirty feet. Hear the sound of piss and That was pretty good, wasn’t it? I close my eyes. I wish I was home but I’m so wrecked. Then. From nowhere. Crash down or. Pass out.
You might die, if you’re lucky. Reviscerate, if you’re not. Stay as far as you can though from waking up. It is all you have left of free.

And the night shifts through me. All the gears of sleep. Us lying together between the roots on the Heath, as though we have always been together under the sun. And touch a smear of butter off your lip. That smile you give me for it. Kissing my fingers. Inside my wrists and laughing. Reach through the dream of us. Going up, going just beyond the eye I breathe into your body. Run my hand down your side. And the smell of your neck which      is not right. Is. Fuck      is not you at all.

Back in the bright light and. Pull away. Well now, good morning. Slipping his hands onto my. Stop that. Come on, one for the road? No. Play fair, you’ve just got me hard. Take your hands off. Hey, don’t be like that. Stop! You liked it enough last
night. I didn’t know what I was doing, I was wrecked. Gee thanks, he says letting me go. I get up Where’re my clothes? What do I care? Knickers. Him lighting up. Too much I’ve had. Bra. Way too much of everything and I have done      what I have done      His legs swinging out now Hurry up and fuck off, I got to pack. Fuck you, I say. Yeah, you already did. And don’t I regret it. Feeling filthy. On my T-shirt. Through my hair. Guilt and pull the skirt he’s standing on now. Get off that. Why are you being such a fucking bitch? Oh poor you and your soft little dick. Hey, and I am pushed against the wall I can show you a hard dick if that’s what you want. Get off me, I push back. No, him kissing at my neck and Clink through the byre floor, right through my head. Shift spit ert and push from and Get the fuck off! Don’t you fucking claw me, and cigarette Jesus right on my arm. You’re burning you’re fucking burning me! Stop it or I’ll scream and. He steps away I wasn’t doing anything. You burned me. You fucking burned me! Did I? Must’ve been an accident. Keep my eyes steady on him. Feel around for my bag and, getting, back out spewing Fuck you’s! Get out. Think Get out. Then

Air.

I see the hedge. And wall. It holds a roof up. There is litter. Life shows itself and my brain consterns with fright. Behind me. What he just and what I did. Blow ash from blister. Camden in front. Walk into it. Evaporate and I go to go, but. Where do you think you are going now? Kentish Town’s to the left. And as for his     well      you can never go home again.

He did what? Fucking what? Repeat that? Flatmate says as he and the Missus and her boyfriend wait. Burned me with a cigarette. He did. Fucking cunt! I warned you not to, didn’t I?
Yes. And now he’s got to have his head kicked in. What? All because you couldn’t keep your knickers up. We go? the Missus’s boyfriend interrupts. Too fucking right, Flatmate says No fucker puts out fags on my mate.

The Missus brings me tea and toast. Thanks, I say I’m fine, so she resumes her packing, depressed, I think, by who I am. And I. Am much the same. Cannot bear to think of him. Or sit amid the lost teeth look of my room. Or consider last night. Or be anyone. So go sit out on the flat roof behind.

And the sun is its worst self, making a lovely day. Burning into my scalp. I should be washing myself. Cleaning him off. But I am too pointless for so much. Just turn aside. Turn aside. The awful shame. I might never move. Never rise from this spot again. Just eat bits of toast I wish would choke. And him. Where is he? What gifts I’ve prepared. Thanks for your love and here’s your reward for the twelve years of waiting. It does not sit. And he does not even know our new obstacle yet. That in such short time I have gone so far. And it meant nothing to me. He meant nothing to me. At last I understand. This little. But lot. Too late.

What the fuck happened? Flatmate leant against the sitting-room door. Lilac-eyed. Missus’s fella, having a smoke. We’re barred. Was he still there? Oh yeah. What happened? I ask. I said to him I want a word. He said Make it quick. I hit him a slap and said You burned my mate. At which point he gets back behind the bar, going Not that bitch. So I says Yeah, her, and why should she get scarred because some little cunt like you has to take it too far. I didn’t do anything, he says Not on purpose anyway. Well, I said Just in case, we’re going to teach you a lesson about not hurting girls. Get out, he says Or
I’m calling the cops. So I punched him in the head. He kinda fell forward at first but came back with this. Then the fucking golem here drags him over the bar and gives him a couple of stamps. That’s when the barmaid started screaming Get out! You’re barred! so we left. But he’s off on his travels with a black eye and a few cracked ribs. Thanks, I say. No worries, Flatmate says But you wouldn’t get us some ice would you please?

Into the bath once the Missus leaves and scrub myself to pain. No matter though, I’m still myself and probably not his long road home. Leave the water in, would you? It’s the last. Okay. Go lie on my mattress. White nightie. Passersby. My Walkman. The view. Go into the music and as the songs spool let them be me instead. There’s not much respite so, as sleep comes, sink into it until the world goes blank and blind.

Banging. What? Banging glass. Eily! Wake up! Open my eyes. Wake up love. And he is right outside. What? Hey there, sleepy head, will you let me in? I’ve been knocking for ages. Come up I, chaotic, to life then. It’s him and all I see is that.

Locks and pull and      there he is. Offering a six-pack of Taytos For the Irish contingent. And I leap him. Fling both arms around his neck. Now that’s the welcome I was hoping for, he laughs, squeezing me almost to feet off the floor. How come you’re here? I didn’t like how we left things so – already backing me back to the room – I hung around at Dublin airport for a return. Crisps crunching now as I’m slung on the bed. I missed you, and kiss him. I missed you, he says. Guilt flooding up but that feeling between. I hide in it. Go to it. Tell him I love him and I want him inside. One minute, he says And I’ll be happy to oblige, then nips to toilet while I scrabble my knickers off but Contrary to what you might think mate, I really don’t
want to see your knob. Sorry, didn’t know you were in here, he laughs What’re you doing lying here in the dark anyway, having a little cry? Think I nodded off, Flatmate says Pass me that towel? This one? Ta. Then flush and bathroom light and Fuck, what happened to your eye? Not the bailiffs again? Nah, fucking chivalry that. What happened? Nothing, bit of a scrap is all, anyway I’m freezing my bollocks off so see you in the matin mate.

Did he get in a fight? Sort of, I say as he lies back down. What happened? Who cares? I try   but    the morning falling in on me like slate. Eily    what is it? I hide my face. Did something happen while I was away? I      I      do not reply. Look at me love. I do not. Eil     did something happen to you? And I Sort of, then. Did someone hurt you? Sort of. Eily what does Sort of mean? If I look at him now though I know he’ll see and I      Keep this second. Hold in this place where he loves me. Then. Eily please tell me. And I      raise my head. Oh, he says No it isn’t that tell me anything else Eil and I’ll believe you, alright? But I can’t lie or speak so he is left to ask Did you sleep with someone while I was away? Pulse and Pulse. He can already see. I’m sorry. Oh God, through his teeth, getting right off the bed. Who? Who was it? Was it him? and grabs me up. Catching the burn though so I scream Let go! Was it him again? It wasn’t. Was it? No I swear. Then who? You don’t know him. What the fuck? he says Two fucking days and you couldn’t wait? Let go of me, you’re hurting me. Who the fuck was he, tell me? Just a barman! A what? Barman     from a pub. You just picked some fucking barman up? Yes. Why? I      I was off my head and   What the fuck? shaking me so hard the pain in my arm haywires everything else. Please let go    I was upset     you didn’t answer the phone      So you fucked someone
else? You’re hurting me. Hey in there! Flatmate banging the door then opens it Take it easy on her. Mind your own fucking business, he shouts. Mate, I know what she did but      Get out, or do you think I don’t know it’s you filling her up with that shit? Just calm down mate. Don’t fucking tell me to calm down. Flatmate turns on the light Look at her arm mate. He did that. He did what? Fucking burned her with a cigarette. What the fuck? and the silence coming down. Slow then, him pulling up my sleeve. Slow turning my elbow to see. His eyes then slow travelling up me He did this to you? I nod. Jesus, he says dropping his head like not knowing what to do. Don’t worry, Flatmate says We sorted him out, me and the Missus’s bloke. So where is he now? A & E or      Amsterdam. Right, he says Right thanks for that      I      I’ll take it from here. Already closing the door. But go easy on her, okay? Yeah, he says Yeah   of course.