The Letting (12 page)

“What the hell?” I hear behind me, and I whip around just in time to see Buzzcut standing there with a loaded shotgun pointed straight at me.

Chapter Nine

I can feel the electricity running through my body. It comes from an odd combination of excitement from being near Phoenix, and fear from being in the site of Buzzcut and his loaded gun. As Buzzcut bounces on his toes, I become increasingly concerned he might fire accidently.

Phoenix has stepped in front of me now, shielding both Raven and me from Buzzcut. I can see the fury in Buzzcut’s eyes, but despite the intensity of the situation, my mind keeps pondering what Phoenix meant by that “sorry.” Is he sorry I was beaten? Is he sorry he was wrong about me? Is he sorry he can’t believe me? Or is he sorry he and I could never happen? I close my eyes and silently pray that it’s not the last. Then I reprimand myself for thinking even that. When did I become a rule-breaker? Could one handsome, taboo boy change me? Should I let him? But…maybe it’s another change for the better…? It is very possible this law could be wrong, too. I’ve always believed people should be allowed to choose who they want to be with. Just one thought of his intense blue eyes and his strong hand brushing against my cheek ever-so-softly, and I believe in freedom of choice now more than ever. I drop my eyes to the ground and will myself to stay quiet and not look at Buzzcut.

“What are you doing, man?” Buzzcut asks Phoenix.

“I’m getting everyone to the Letting alive.”

“Looks to me like you were getting chummy with the prisoner.”

“Well then, you’d better reconsider what you saw.”

“I saw what I saw, man,” Buzzcut’s bouncing grows more intense, and I fear for Phoenix’s safety. “What? Were you going to kiss her?”

My head snaps up and my eyes dart to the back of Phoenix’s head, looking for an answer. Was he going to kiss me? I look down at Raven. She looks calm and unshaken.

“I’m not even going to answer that,” Phoenix replies.

I listen for the note of disgust in his voice, but I don’t hear it. My heart lifts slightly with hope, and I know this will be my fatal flaw. Hope.

I have survived all of these years by being a machine, by doing exactly as I was told, and trying desperately not to hope for something more. And yet for the first time in seven years I feel alive, and I like the feeling. Maybe to be alive, you must have hope. Maybe it’s time to stop being a good follower and to jump in with both feet. Maybe I have to take a chance and fight for something. The government has lied to me and to all of us. And this boy—this rebel leader who hates me, all that I stand for, and my very soul—this boy is giving me something to hope for once again. It’s time to take a chance. Because even if there is nothing for me, even if I don’t survive, maybe my sacrifice can help offer Lulu, Raven, Lilly, and Violet a better world. I know it can’t make up for all the bad I’ve done, but at least I can do one positive act before I die. I brace myself and step out from behind Phoenix.

“I want to fight with you,” I tell Buzzcut, as calmly as I can.

“What?” he asks, his face turning red.

“Veronica,” Phoenix cautions, his voice trailing off sternly at the end of my name.

He tries to step in front of me again, but I move away.

“I was ignorant, yes, but I swear I didn’t know what was happening to those girls I brought to the New World.” I speak as plainly as I can. I look at Buzzcut to see if anything I say registers with him. He shakes his head.

“You really are a rat,” he hisses, icily. “The ship’s going down, and you’re trying to jump on any lifeboat you can.”

“That’s not true,” I yell.

Buzzcut lifts his shotgun and aims it directly at me.

“All right,” Phoenix chides. “That’s enough. Put the gun down, Eric.”

Buzzcut points his gun down, but still holds it tightly. Facing countless opportunities for my death is so surreal it offers me a sense of calm. Hmm. Buzzcut’s real name is Eric. Doesn’t matter. I’ll never think of him as anything but Buzzcut. That is, if I get away from this waterfront alive.

“So, what?” Buzzcut asks, staring at Phoenix. “You’re on her side now?”

“I’m on our side.” Phoenix speaks as if he’s consoling a troubled child. “Just as I’ve always been. I am here to topple the corrupt government and end the Lettings. I want to bring equality to our world, same as I always have.”

“But now your plan includes trusting the enemy?” Buzzcut asks. “This is unbelievable, Phoenix, man! Come on. After all this time, you expect us to just invite Veronica Billings into our revolution? What are you thinking, man?”

“I’m thinking we need to get to the Letting tomorrow. She will be our foot in the door.”

He is interrupted by the sound of footsteps at the base of the path. We all turn to see Gunnar, Gretchen, and Lulu.

“And then what?” Gunnar asks. “Then you run off with your girlfriend?”

“I’m not answering any more of that crap,” Phoenix snaps.

“You’d better start talking,” Gunnar warns, lifting his gun and pointing it at Phoenix. My breathing comes faster and faster, and I turn to face Phoenix. There is something about him standing there, his dark hair disheveled and his unshaven chin dark as night. Something tells me to trust him. And every instinct I have is to protect him. Without even thinking, my body moves toward Phoenix.

“Really?” Phoenix asks Gunnar. “You’re going to shoot me?”

“Why the hell not?” Gunnar asks. “Have you turned on me, Phoenix?”

“No,” Phoenix bellows. “But what about you, Gunnar? Huh? We got into this to make the world a better place. All you want to do is to overpower people on your way to take over from Farnsworth.”

“At least I have a plan,” Gunnar growls.

“And your plan makes you as corrupt as Farnsworth.” Phoenix stares down Gunnar. “I’ve known it for a while now. I’ve seen it in the way you treated Veronica. You’re not after peace or making this a better world. You’re after power.”

“And you’re not?”

“No,” Phoenix responds, shrugging his shoulders.

“Then if our plans don’t match,” Gunnar lifts the gun higher, “I see no reason to keep you around.”

“He’s the leader of your revolution,” I blurt, suddenly terrified.

“Shut up,” Gunnar barks. “I’m not going to listen to the vile words you spew.” He moves so he can point his gun at me.

At that, Phoenix draws his gun and points it at Gunnar.

“So here we are.” Phoenix’s voice remains relaxed as he speaks, but his muscles are taught. “You shoot her, I’ll shoot you. You shoot me, she’ll shoot you.”

I look at Phoenix. He knows I don’t have a gun, but Gunnar doesn’t. I may very well have a small pistol hidden in my boot. And considering what Gunnar thinks of me, he would absolutely believe I would kill him. We stand for what feels like minutes, no one daring to move. My breath is labored and sweat pours off me like running water. Finally, I can take no more.

“Enough,” I yell, stepping in between them. “Enough.” And suddenly I hear the sound of another gun cock. I turn to face Buzzcut, also holding his gun. He is pointing the gun back and forth, between Gunnar, Phoenix, and me.

“So is this what you want?” I ask, turning in a circle and addressing each of them. “You want to turn on one another? You have so few people already, what would you do if you separated now?” I look directly at Phoenix. “Even if I got you to Farnsworth’s door, then what? You kill him, his army kills you, and that’s the end of it. They replace him with some equally brutal, uncaring leader.” I turn to Gunnar. “And you?” I look at him with disgust. “You kill Phoenix and who do you have? Her?” I ask, pointing at Gretchen. “Well, you’d better think twice about that. Every inch of that girl is a traitor. And a liar. She’ll tell you whatever it is you need to hear. But don’t kid yourself, Gunnar, she is as power hungry as you are.”

Gunnar looks at Gretchen uneasily as I turn to Buzzcut. “That leaves you. What are you going to do alone?” Sweat continues to pour off my body. “Huh? When everyone’s dead? Best you can hope for is a hyper shooting spree some distance away from Farnsworth, where you’ll inevitably hit civilians, because you’ll never get to Farnsworth alone. You’re just not smart enough.”

Buzzcut gasps and points his gun at me. In that instant, I realize what I can do. I’m sorry to break my promise and leave my girls alone, but I have no choice.

“How about you, Gunnar?” I ask with my heart racing. “You going to let Buzzcut here beat you to the prize? You’ve wanted to kill me from the moment you laid eyes on me. Well?” I goad him. Gunnar cocks his gun. “Good,” I shout, terrified. “Good. Kill me and go back to your mission.” The tears blind me as they stream down my face. “All of you need to focus on what matters here. These girls.”

I point at Raven. She runs to my side, and I smile at her before pushing her behind me for safety. “Kill me, but get yourselves together and finish this revolution you started.”

I push Raven toward Phoenix. She hides behind him. At that Gunnar and Buzzcut walk closer to me pointing their weapons—one at my head, and one at my heart. I turn back and smile at Raven and then at Phoenix. The prospect of impending death makes one very bold.

“That’s enough.” Phoenix steps forward. “No one is killing her. And we are not killing each other.” He turns to face Gunnar. “Go. Take Gretchen and go.”

“I won’t fight for you anymore.” Gunnar is resolute.

“I know,” Phoenix answers him, sadly.

“What about me?” Buzzcut asks.

“You’ve got to make your own choice,” Phoenix tells him. “You can stay with me and the revolution, but that revolution will involve Veronica, in one way or another.”

“That’s bogus, man.”

“I’m sorry,” Phoenix states, “but that’s the way it’s going to be.”

“This is bull—” Buzzcut lifts his gun and points it directly at me. Before I realize what is happening I’m startled by the sound of a gunshot.

“Raven?” I yell out names. “Lulu? Phoenix?” I take a roll call to see if everyone I care about is okay.

Raven and Phoenix are standing there, perfectly still. But across from me, I see Lulu, her arm dangling at her side, holding a small pistol.

“Lulu?” I ask, walking toward her. “Lulu? Did you shoot him?” I point to Buzzcut who is lying on the ground.

Phoenix and Gunnar are hovering over him, attending to him. She stares past me for a long while, and then slowly, she raises her eyes up to meet mine.

“Yes,” she replies quietly. “I shot him.”

“Are you okay?” I ask, and she nods.

“Was it an accident?” I’m looking for any feasible explanation. How could this tiny girl possibly shoot someone?

“No,” she retorts, shaking her head and finding her voice.

“But how could you want to…” My words trail off. “And how were you able to?”

“I aimed high, right between his eyes.” Her words are steely, like a cold-blooded killer.

“Why, Lulu?” I search those eyes I have looked into so many times before. There has to be an answer in there.

“Because he was going to kill you,” she explains. Warmth begins to battle the cold panic coursing through my veins. She is just a child, and she is protecting the one person who has taken care of her for all of these months. Me. If only Phoenix realized love is more powerful than any revolution.

“Thank you for taking care of me, Lulu, honey,” I reach out my hand to stroke the side of her face. “And I love you too. But—”

Lulu’s head whips away from me, and she stares up at me with disdain.

“I didn’t do it because I love you.” She wrinkles her nose as she speaks, as if the sight of me repulses her. “I did it because I owed you. And now we’re even.”

With that, she marches off to stand next to Gretchen. Gunnar and Phoenix carry Buzzcut’s body deep into the woods and cover it with a pile of pine needles while I stare at Lulu. What has happened to her? Why has she turned so violently against me? Can she, as young as she is, really understand what I’ve done? My heart aches watching her, but I can’t deny my past.

“We’ll leave him in a shallow grave for now,” Phoenix decides, walking toward me. He reaches up and wipes the sweat from his brow with the back of his wrist. Every muscle in his forearm flexes with this action, and I sigh despite myself. “I’ll come back after dark and bury him properly.” Raven nods, understanding him and everything he does, completely.

Gunnar walks over to us. “I really hope you’ve made the right decision by taking off with your little family there.” He sneers at Raven and me.

“Ditto,” Phoenix quips, nodding toward Gretchen and Lulu.

Gunnar turns in their direction and then back to Phoenix. His face is red and his breath is hurried. He looks like he is about to say something but instead he turns and storms off toward the woods. He takes just two or three steps and then turns back. He walks up to Phoenix and they stand, toe to toe.

“Just remember...” Gunnar glares at Phoenix. “She’s the enemy. Be careful who you trust,” he warns, then spins on his heels and makes for the woods, quickly.

Gretchen looks at me, turns, and runs after him. Lulu follows. The three of them may be moving in the same direction, but they are in no way together.

I realize Phoenix is staring at me, and I meet his gaze. “What do we need to do to get you to the Letting?” he asks. His words surprise me. I had momentarily forgotten about the Letting tomorrow.

“Uh,” I blurt, caught off guard. “I need to go back to camp. With Raven.” I look down at her. “I need to get to my two girls whom Gretchen abandoned. And I’ll have to come up with an excuse for Gretchen and Lulu.” Phoenix nods.

“What happens in the morning?” he asks.

“We’ll be woken before reveille and brought immediately to a waiting vehicle. Inside the truck, they’ll give us tons of fluids and protein bars. We’ll do calisthenics to get the blood pumping. The ride feels endless.”

“Any idea how long?”

“I guess five, maybe six hours?”

He nods, thinking.

“We take a pit stop somewhere along the way, about halfway through the trip. We go to a deserted building on the side of the road. The bathrooms are still in working order.”

“What happens when you arrive? Do you know where you go?”