The Letting (14 page)

“What am I doing?” he asks, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.

“Whatever it is,” I say, quietly, “please don’t stop.”

He smiles at me, and softly, he touches his lips to mine. His kiss is so gentle I have to wonder if it even happened. But it did happen. The pull my body feels toward him proves that to me. His lips linger as my breath rushes in and out of my mouth. My body aches to press up against his, to feel his arms wrap around me, his mouth lock tightly against mine. Instead, he pulls back. Suddenly, his eyes grow dark, and he looks away. He sits up, straight.

“I’m sorry.” He stands, running his hands through his hair.

“Don’t be—”

I am interrupted by the sounds of three little bodies climbing into the back of the truck. Raven pops her head in first and rushes straight for me. She wraps her arms around me and hugs me, tightly. I look up at Phoenix who is watching us, and I feel the situation careening out of control. I feel our moment slip away, only to be replaced by infinite, dark sadness.

“Why is Phoenix here?” Raven asks. Violet and Lilly push themselves up against me as well. We are all huddled together.

“He is here to make sure you three are taken care of,” I explain, never really knowing the reason myself. “But Raven, it’s really important you don’t let anyone know you know him, okay?” She nods. “Please don’t even tell anyone his name.”

“Okay.”

And I know, like her brother, she understands the gravity of the situation. She won’t make a mistake. My concern is he thinks he did.

Phoenix leaves out the back of the truck, and there is nothing I can do to stop him. My only focus needs to be on these girls and getting them to survive this Letting. I must pull myself together and do exactly that. Immediately, I go to work hunting down bottles of water to keep them cool and hydrated. The water bottles are tucked in a cooler hidden beneath a seat. This truck is so much smaller than the vehicles I’m used to being conveyed in, I know the ride will seem endless. The best I can hope for is that we can all sleep.

The truck engine starts with a rumble, and my body shakes from fear and vibration. So here we go. I don’t know what I expected to happen with Phoenix, but it will be me alone caring for these girls, as it always is.

I get the girls all settled in, and the truck starts to shimmy and then move forward in a slow roll. I sit back, my head pressed against the canvas side, and close my eyes. Suddenly, the back flap of the truck bursts open and Phoenix barges through. He stumbles in, panting and out of breath from chasing a moving vehicle.

I smile at him beside myself. He smiles back.

“Let’s go start a revolution,” he says to me, holding his hand out for me.

“All right.” I place my hand in his. Gently he pulls me to my feet and my body falls forward. He catches me with his body and wraps his arm around me. Together, we move along with the truck, shakily and bumpily, into the unknown.

Chapter Eleven

An hour into the ride, I have all the girls as comfortable as possible, asleep on the floor of the truck. I know I need to sleep, but there is no way I am giving up one second of my time with Phoenix. It is just us now, quietly sitting side by side on the hard bench of the moving truck. He holds my hand, protectively. There are so many things we should discuss, so many things we should ask each other, but instead, we sit, both of us pretending we are not who we are. Both of us wishing tomorrow would never come.

I hear something buzz by and lift my free hand to wave it away. Then I feel a sharp quick pain on my thigh. I reach down and smack my leg, hard. “Ow,” I complain, itching the spot where I was just pricked.

“What is it?” Phoenix asks, leaning over to see.

“Can’t imagine. Feels like a little piece of glass pricked me.” I look at my thigh and see a small round red spot swelling up. It gets itchier as it grows.

“Looks like a mosquito bite to me,” he says. I scratch at the spot furiously. “Don’t scratch.” He grabs my hand. “Scratching it makes it worse. Didn’t you ever learn that?”

“I’ve never been bitten before.”

“Never?” he asks, looking at me with disbelief. “You’ve lived in a camp in the deep woods for seven years, and you’ve never had a mosquito bite?”

“Never. They’ve never been interested in me. Until now.” Reluctantly, I break free of his grasp to scratch.

“That’s enough.” He takes both of my hands again. “The itching will stop soon. Until then...” He forms his fingers into the shape of an okay sign and quickly flicks his forefinger against the bite.

“Ow! That hurt.”

“Yeah? How’s the itching?”

“Better,” I admit, hardly believing it.

He smiles at me, still holding both of my hands.

“I won’t scratch again. You can let go. I mean…if you want to.”

“Don’t want to.” His smile grows wider.

“Good.” He has both of my hands in his one hand, and he reaches over to intertwine all of his fingers around mine. Suddenly, he drops my hands and stands.

“The truck’s slowing. I thought you said they stop at the halfway point?” He is confused.

“Always.” Panic begins to rise within me. Phoenix walks to the back of the truck and pulls the flap to one side. He peers out the back.

“Pretend you’re asleep,” he whispers, turning back to me. Immediately, I drop to the ground and lay next to Raven. If I wake her, I can trust her to stay calm. I fight to quiet my breathing. Phoenix huddles to the side of the canvas flap and watches everything that’s happening.

The truck rolls to a stop, and I squeeze my eyes shut tighter. Through my closed lids, I see light flash, and I know another truck has joined us. I feel myself go limp, as if I have just encountered an angry bear. Outside, I hear hurried voices.

“Let’s go,” one voice shouts. “Now. Now. Now.” Suddenly I hear a deafening sound, like a huge machine hovering over us. I can’t help myself. I sit up like a bolt. Phoenix looks at me, and I can see the distress on his face. Bright lights seem to envelop our truck, and all three girls wake up, scared and crying. I do my best to comfort them as we try to make out the situation. The noise grows louder, and it sounds like a giant fan, whirling above us. Through the opened flap, I catch a glimpse of a machine that seems to fall from the sky, yet touch the ground gracefully. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that tells me the machine is for me.

“Get up and do exactly as I say.” Phoenix’s voice is hurried. I nod. “Pick up the girls like I’ve had you up and prepped for a while. They’re taking you to Farnsworth in a helicopter. Must be an emergency.” He faces out the back of the truck again.

He turns back and must see the look of confusion on my face. “A helicopter? No?” he asks.

I shake my head. Until this moment, I had no idea what a helicopter was.

“That sound you hear is its rotor. Like a propeller.” He speaks to me like I’m a child, and I feel my face flush. I hate being uneducated. “Now get the girls ready and wait for my instructions.”

I try to shake off my embarrassment. Quickly, I grab the girls’ packs and throw them over my shoulder. I lift Lilly and Violet and carry one on each hip. Raven stays tightly against me, her small hand laced around my forearm. My muscles strain from lifting both girls. We stand at the back of the truck, ready to follow whatever direction Phoenix gives us.

I hear arguing outside. “I was told only the one girl,” someone hollers.

“It’s the pilot of the helicopter,” Phoenix whispers loudly to me. The voices outside are shouting to be heard above the sound of the helicopter’s rotor.

“I’ve got a truck full, and I’m not going back,” another man yells. He must be the driver of the truck.

“Set ’em free,” the pilot snaps. I watch Phoenix’s breathing grow faster and shallower.

“They’re O’s,” the driver of the truck argues. “No way. I was told to deliver the O’s, and that’s what I’m going to do.” Phoenix hops out of the back of the truck, and we make our way to where Phoenix was standing only seconds before. I peer out the back flap and can see everything.

“I’m Veronica Billing’s escort,” Phoenix yells. “Assigned by Farnsworth.”

“Bull,” the pilot yells back. “I ain’t heard nuthin’ ’bout no escort—”

“Call him and ask him,” Phoenix bluffs. He sounds remarkably like me when I was trying to escape Margaret. It seems we are both natural born liars. I sigh. That thought makes me very uncomfortable. The sweat rolls down my back, but I pull the girls closer to me. Phoenix continues. “I was told to deliver Veronica Billings and three little girls. They are the last remaining O’s.”

“I was never told nuthin’ ’bout little girls,” the pilot claims. “But I was looking forward to meetin’ the big one. Heard she’s quite somethin’. Like a wild goddess of the woods. Spend a little time alone wit’ her. Gettin’ to know her.”

Before I can even gasp, Phoenix grabs the helicopter pilot by the throat and lifts him off the ground. Every muscle in Phoenix’s body strains, yet he seems to carry the man effortlessly. Phoenix walks the man backward, dangerously close to the whirling tail rotor.

“What did you just say?” Phoenix shouts. “Say it again.”

“Sorry, man. Sorry.”

I can see the man gasping for air, and I wonder how far Phoenix will go. Phoenix backs him a tiny bit closer to the rotor.

“Shut your eyes,” I whisper to the girls.

“All right. Sorry,” the pilot screams. Phoenix lets him go and the pilot drops to the ground, clutching his throat. He fights to breathe.

“Fine.” The pilot acquiesces. “What do I care?”

Phoenix backs away and motions to me. I walk out with all three girls in tow.

“Watch your heads, but get in the helicopter, please,” Phoenix directs without making eye contact.

I keep my head down and tuck the girls’ faces low against my shoulders. I squeeze the muscles in my forearm so Raven knows I have her. I rush the girls past the watchful eyes of the pilot and the other men, into the opened door of the helicopter. Once we are seated, Phoenix climbs in after us. He hands us each a headset to put over our ears. Once the girls have theirs on safely, I look at Phoenix. He is staring at me, unhappily.

“What?” I ask. It is a stupid question, but it’s all I have.

“That is the reason I never wanted to meet you. Ever.” He turns and looks out the window. I can’t help it. I feel my eyes flood with tears. Phoenix turns back to me, his eyes wide with wonder. I blink the tears away and stare out the window myself.

We take off moments later, and if it wasn’t for the fact the boy I care so deeply about hates me again, and for the fact I could be heading to certain death, I might actually enjoy the ride—especially because it’s a beautifully clear night, without the threat of even one single raindrop.

The moment we lift off from the ground Raven reaches over and squeezes my hand. Phoenix looks at us quizzically, and I don’t know if his confusion is because of the relationship I have with Raven, or because he is unused to girls and how we can care so very deeply about each other. Well, most of us anyway. Lilly and Violet are glued to the window, and together we all watch the only world we have ever known grow smaller and smaller beneath us. It is definitely a direct metaphor of our immediate life. Everything we knew before will seem miniscule compared to what we are up against now.

Lilly and Violet turn back to me, unsure of how they should feel about the ride. It is dark out, but every now and again, they can catch a shadow of something or a light coming from somewhere else. I smile at them. Why not let them enjoy something in their small, hard lives. For all three of the girls, it is the first time any of them has ever experienced flying. For me, it’s my second time. The first was in the truck with Phoenix at my side. Just the thought of the ride in the truck brings a smile to my face, and Phoenix, who’s been staring at me, smiles back.

Even though I don’t know what a flight in a helicopter is supposed to feel like, I think we’re having an unusually bumpy ride. I assume it’s because of the altercation between Phoenix and the pilot. I keep a watchful eye on the girls, but they all seem to be enjoying themselves and even the bumps give them a thrill. Despite it all, the ride relaxes us enough so we’re all smiling at one another. Whenever he sees a light or makes out a shape, Phoenix points to it out the window for the girls. It feels like we are one big, happy family. I know he feels it too, because he reaches across and takes my hand. My hand almost hurts from the spark his touch causes. I smile at him, relieved and thrilled, but he just seems more intense than ever. In my heart, I hope his intensity is not only because of the revolution, but also because he’s now fighting for people he cares about.

Phoenix notices our descent first, and I only know it’s happening because I read it on his face. He sits up straight and wears a grim expression. I can feel our drop now, and the girls also seem to understand what’s happening. They begin to get nervous but try to calm themselves.

The cab of the helicopter grows very quiet as we all strain to see what we can make out on the ground below. I fight to see something, anything familiar, but of course, I won’t recognize anything from up here. Closer and closer, we draw toward the ground, and then I see the familiar white building. It sickens me. I feel light-headed, and a cold sweat breaks out across my forehead as I stare at the building.

What have I done? How many girls have I delivered to this very building? Girls who were simply exterminated when they were no longer useful? I feel the bile churn in my stomach and cramps form on the sides of my abdomen. I look at Phoenix. What am I doing? Why should I deserve to be happy after what I’ve done? What I’ve been responsible for?

Luckily Phoenix reads my expression, and he hands me a bag just before I vomit. He gives me a small bottle of water to rinse my mouth. He looks at me, and this time it’s a look of sympathy.

I don’t deserve it. No more. I cannot stand back and let Phoenix take the lead any longer. I am responsible for so many atrocious acts. I must be held accountable…if only to myself.

The way Phoenix looks at me, attentive and curious, I know he can tell I have gone somewhere without him. He shakes his head, but it’s no use. We touch ground, and I know I must do this alone.