The List (25 page)

“Why do you say that? I want to get married and have a family too.”

“Okay, then maybe the same goal, but different time frames.” I sat down in the chair, staring out the window.

“What do you mean by that?”

I turned to look at him. How could I explain it without insulting his manhood? “I mean, I'm looking for someone who's looking to be married in the near future.” He still looked puzzled. “Remember you said you'd have to change your lifestyle a lot when you met that special someone?”

“Yeah. And I can do that. I won't travel as much. Obviously, I can't spend three months in Europe and six months in Africa and wherever else the wind blows me if I want to have a family. I'm willing to change all that. I've traveled enough to last a lifetime. Meeting the right person and settling down would be worth giving that up.”

“Okay.” Certainly, that wasn't the only lifestyle change he thought he'd have to make. I hated to have to spell it out for him. “And where would we live, Isaiah?” I gestured around the room. “Here at Nigel's? Would we share a car? Would I be responsible for all the bills? How would that work?”

He let out a long, defeated breath like I had punched him in the chest. “Oh. I see.” He sat down on the mattress and pulled his guitar onto his lap. “When we talked that day at the park, you sounded like you understood. That's the only reason I let things go this far. I know everyone's not up for the way I live.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I'm not sure I understand the way you live.”

He strummed a few chords on the guitar. “Think about it. My parents are missionaries. They live their life based on people's generosity, and they're able to do the work of the Kingdom because of it. They sacrifice the
normal
life—having a house and car and so-called stability—and pour out their lives for the sake of others and for the sake of the Kingdom. And their fruit is great. They've impacted thousands of lives, if not millions. That's what I've known. How I've always lived.”

He raked a hand through his locks. “You've seen me in Atlanta chillin' and being a bum. But if you went with me on my next trip to Cameroon, you'd see the real me. Sometimes I lead worship in church meetings daily—services with thousands of people that last for hours where the presence of God falls and people's lives are changed. I pray for the sick, help build houses, and dig wells. Sometimes, I take my guitar to the hospitals there and play for people dying without hope—without Jesus. And they get saved. And sometimes they get healed. I visit the orphanages of hundreds of children who've lost their parents to AIDS. And I play with them, sing with them, dance with them and then teach them about Jesus. You mean to tell me that my life isn't meaningful because I don't have a million-dollar house and a Hummer?”

“No,” I answered. “Not at all. That's a very meaningful life. Very beautiful and fruitful. One you shouldn't give up for me or any other woman. It's who you are and what you're called to do. God should send you a woman who's willing to be out there in the trenches with you. Digging wells, building houses and ministering to the children in Africa. I'm just . . . I'm not that woman.”

I added, “And it's not about a million-dollar house and a Hummer. It's about a certain degree of security that I'm used to having. I'm the kind of girl that needs a house and a car and some consistent form of income to feel secure. You need the kind of girl that doesn't.”

He stood and walked over to the window where I sat. “Okay, so we could still hang out then. I really enjoy spending time with you, and I know you enjoy spending time with me.”

“Isaiah, I'm too old to be hanging out for the sake of hanging out. My heart's desire is to be married and have children. And if that's not where this is going, then . . .” I put a hand on his arm. “And honestly, if we kept hanging out, we'd probably fall in love. And one of us would end up compromising the life we're called to live. I can't forsake my destiny, and I can't ask you to give up yours.”

He nodded. “Okay.” He rubbed his goatee and pressed his lips together tight. “Okay. Well . . . I guess that's it then.”

“Yeah. I guess so.”

He led me back down the hall, down the stairs and to the front door. He gave me one last hug, kissed my cheek and then held me again. Tight. He let out a deep breath then let me go. “Bye, Michelle.”

I gave him a little wave and walked down the steps to my car. As I drove off, I waved again. “Goodbye, Isaiah.”

As I drove away, I wasn't sure how to feel. I was sad because I had put my heart out there one more time and it turned out he wasn't the one. I was grateful to God that He quickly answered my prayer about bringing things to a screeching halt. As bad as I felt, I knew it would be ten times worse if I had spent a lot more time with Isaiah. He had crawled up in my heart real quick.

My only hope was that if Isaiah was so wonderful and he wasn't the one, then God must be planning on sending me something better.

“T
his one's nice.” Me and the girls were seated around Angela's dining table, looking through bridal magazines. I held the magazine up for everyone to look at a simple, yet elegant bridesmaid's dress. Angela had decided to go ahead and get married before she started to show. She wanted to be married when she delivered the baby and didn't want to walk down the aisle with a huge belly. Which meant we had a lot of planning to do in a very short time.

At first, Angela said she wanted to have a small ceremony at the courthouse with Gary and two witnesses. We convinced her to go ahead and have the wedding she'd dreamed of and waited all her life for. Vanessa had been working with her on getting over the guilt and shame, while Lisa inundated her with bridal magazines. Between the two of them, Angela decided she deserved a ceremony.

Gary's pastor agreed to marry them, after they went through premarital counseling sessions for couples in “special” circumstances. Angela couldn't accept the idea of getting married at our church. Even though she was feeling better about everything, she still struggled with embarrassment.

“Look at this wedding gown.” Angela held up a picture. “It has a princess cut, so even though I'll have a little belly, it should still fall right.” She was almost glowing again. I wasn't sure if it was the pregnancy or because she had finally made peace with her situation.

“So the Hummer and the house are his sister's? And he's dead broke?” Lisa asked for the third time since I told them the latest and last chapter of the Isaiah story. As excited as she was to be planning a wedding, she couldn't get past my tidbit of news.

I nodded again. It had only been a week since I said goodbye to Isaiah, and I missed him terribly. Missed his smile, missed his music, missed his hugs. And I missed having a “him” in my life. Even though we had only been hanging out for a few weeks, I had gotten used to someone being there for me.

I was back to being desperate and lonely again.

Nicole flipped through the pages of her magazine. “I knew something wasn't right. At least he wasn't selling drugs. I'm glad you found out before you got too deep off into him.”

“Yeah, me too,” I said, although I wasn't sure I wasn't already too deep.

“That must have been a hard decision to make.” Vanessa said. “He sounded really wonderful, and sounds like you guys had great chemistry. Was it difficult to give him up?”

“Yes and no. I mean, he's a great guy. Sexy, talented, and completely committed to building the Kingdom. But number two on my list is
financially secure
. And he's anything but that. It's like the lady from the singles ministry said. Set the important things on your list and don't compromise because you're lonely and horny or because some guy sweeps you off your feet.”

“Yeah, but it's like you're sacrificing love for the sake of money. What if he's your soul mate and you're letting him go because he's not rich?” Angela said, as she tore yet another wedding dress picture out of the magazine and added it to her stack of “possibles.”

“Girl, I've walked down that road before. That idealistic fantasyland that believes love is all you need. Money matters. For eleven years, I carried the financial weight in my marriage. I can't do that again. I want a man that makes enough to support us—or at least, most of our expenses.”

Nicole said, “You know financial problems are one of the leading causes of marital discord and divorce. I can't remember which wins out, that or adultery. Point is, being broke is almost as bad as or worse than cheating.”

“Plus, it's a matter of destiny.” I finished the magazine I was flipping through and reached for another. “You should have seen the passion in his face when he talked about his missionary work in Africa. I can't ask him to give that up. It's clear that's what he was born to do. My destiny is expressing the Kingdom through television. If I married him, either I'd have to give that up for him to drag me all over Africa, or he'd have to give up his destiny and probably lose his mind staying in one place—in a nation he's not called to. I believe that when God brings my husband, our destinies will line up perfectly. In fact, they should be so intertwined that when we come together, our marriage will help us both reach destiny together.”

“Speaking of, what's up with Jason?” Lisa held up a picture of a bridesmaid dress for us to see.

“Yuck,” I said. “Too much lace and frills. Looks country. And what do you mean, speaking of?”

“Speaking of destinies lining up perfectly together so you can take over film and television for the Kingdom. You and Jason's destinies match perfectly. What's going on with you two?”

“Nothing. There is no
us two
. We're still co-workers. And with me getting this promotion and being right up under Ms. Carter, there's no way.”

“Okay. If you say so.” Lisa pressed her lips together like she wanted to tell me something but didn't think I'd listen.

“So what's up with your love life, Lisa?” I had to change the subject. I didn't need to be thinking about Jason like that. I had done a good job of keeping my feelings for him under wraps lately. “We haven't had a good story from you in a long time. No dates?”

Lisa flipped through a few pages in the magazine. She finally got up and walked over to Angela's cabinet and pulled out a package of Oreo cookies.

“Oh, my. That bad?” Nicole asked.

Lisa nodded and stuffed a whole cookie into her mouth. She opened the refrigerator and pulled out some milk. She held up the carton to ask if anyone wanted to join her for cookies and milk.

I nodded. Chocolate might help fill the Isaiah-size hole in my soul right about now.

Vanessa shook her head. “No, thanks. I'm actually pretty happy right now.”

Nicole said,

“I'm happy too, but I'll never pass up Oreos. Bring it on.”

Lisa brought over glasses for everyone except Vanessa and set the package of cookies in the middle of the table.

“My love life is non-existent. I feel like I'm doomed. Like it's gonna be that way forever.” Lisa poured glasses of milk for each of us. She opened a cookie, licked off the cream and dipped each half in her milk. “Maybe I'm not supposed to get married. You think God wants me to stay single?”

Vanessa pushed the cookies out of Angela's reach as she was trying to grab one and handed her an apple from the fruit bowl on the table. “I wouldn't say that. I think if you have a desire to be married, then it's pretty safe to say that God doesn't want you single. He's a loving God and wouldn't torture you with a desire He doesn't plan to fill.”

“Then why can't I find anybody?” Lisa whined.

“You might want to look at that ten-page list of yours.” Nicole smirked. “You're looking for someone who doesn't exist. I think when you let that go and come back to the real world, God will be able to send you somebody.”

“So, you're saying I have to settle?” Lisa pushed a whole cookie into her mouth and took a swig of milk.

“I'm just saying no man is as perfect as the man you've created on that monstrous list of yours. You're not even that perfect.” Nicole gave Lisa a worried glance and pulled the cookies away from her.

“Why do you think your list is that long and . . . unrealistic?” Vanessa asked.

“Oh, dear. Are you about to psychoanalyze me? Should I get on the couch?”

“No. I just think it's worth looking at,” Vanessa answered. “You're upset because God isn't sending you anyone, but yet you have this list that pretty much makes it impossible for Him to send you someone. You have to ask yourself why.”

Lisa reached for the Oreos again. She pulled out a cookie and munched on it with tiny bites. “I've been in some bad relationships in the past. I've had my heart broken more times than I can imagine. And I don't want to ever go through that again. So, I figure if I pick the right guy, that won't happen. And to pick the right guy, I need to list all the qualities he needs to have and all the qualities he absolutely can't have. If I settle, I'm liable to get my heart broken again, or end up in some dead-end relationship.”

“Yeah, but with the list you have, you're never going to end up in a relationship at all. Guaranteed,” Nicole said.

“I have faith that God can send me everything on my list. I believe my perfect guy is out there.” Lisa shrugged.

Me, Nicole, and Vanessa shook our heads.

“Maybe you should do what I did.” Angela cut a slice of her apple. “Tell God you're not sure what you want, but you trust that He knows what you need and to send you His very best.”

We all turned to look at Angela.

“That's what you did?” Lisa asked. “You didn't have a list?”

“Nope. And Gary is beyond what I could have ever asked for. Which explains me not being able to keep my hands off him.” Angela giggled.

We all laughed with her. It was good to see her able to joke about her situation.

“Humph. That's a dangerous prayer,” Lisa said. “But if it'll have me married and pregnant in less than a year, maybe I should try it.”

Angela's mouth fell open, and she turned bright red. “Ha, ha, ha, Lisa.”

“If you pray that prayer, make sure you ask God to help you keep the reins on the nine years of pent-up passion in your loins,” Nicole said.

“Okay, that's enough jokes at my expense,” Angela said, flipping absently through another magazine. “I know you guys are jealous. You all secretly want to be accidentally pregnant, planning your shotgun wedding.”

We all laughed.

“Oooh, look at this one. It's perfect.” Angela tore out and held up a picture of a beautiful wedding gown with a princess cut, elegant lace at the sleeves and hem. We all oohed and aahed.

“It's perfect, Angie. You're going to be such a beautiful bride. I'm so happy for you.” Lisa leaned over and hugged Angela. They held on to each other for a few moments.

“I'm going to miss you guys so much. I can't believe I'm going to be so far from you.”

Angela had decided to move to Augusta. It would be much easier for her to find a job at the Medical College of Georgia and to sell her house here than for Gary to find a job and sell his house.

“Girl, two hours ain't no distance. We'll be up and down the road every other weekend,” Lisa said.

“Plus, you're about to get married and have a baby,” Nicole said. “You ain't gon' be thinking about us.”

Angela shook her head. “No way. You guys mean everything to me. I've never had friends like you. If it weren't for you all, I'd still be on the couch surrounded by snotty tissue, about to lose my job. And now . . .” Angela held up the picture of the wedding gown she chose. “I'm happy again. About to have a dream wedding to marry the man of my dreams, and we're gonna start a beautiful family together.”

“Awww.” Lisa motioned for us all to get up and surroundAngela . “Group hug.”

We all hugged Angela and each other until Nicole finally said, “Okay, enough mushy stuff. You guys know I can only take so much.”

We all laughed.

As I drove home that evening, I thought about Angela—giggling and glowing again. Even though it wasn't under ideal circumstances, she was about to be living my dream. Married with child.

I decided to pray her prayer.
Okay, God, I relinquish my right to choose. I give up my list. You know exactly what I need. Send me your best.
I paused for a second and added,
Soon, God. Soon . . .