The Longest Holiday (24 page)

The waitress appears to take our order. I lean back in my chair and look anywhere but at my husband for as long as I can manage. When I finally meet his eyes he’s regarding me with sadness.

I feel like such a bitch, but I have to ask: ‘How long are you planning on staying?’

He swallows. ‘Five days.’

‘Five days?’ I exclaim. That long?

‘I couldn’t get anymore time off work at such short notice,’ he explains, misreading my reaction. ‘I’m hoping it will be long enough.’

‘Long enough for what?’ I ask. He looks uncomfortable. ‘Matthew, you know I’m not coming back with you, right?’

‘Don’t say that now,’ he says quickly.

‘It’s true!’ I can’t help raising my voice. ‘I’m not coming back. I’m not ready.’

I have to avert my gaze because I feel so guilty.

‘Where’s Leo today?’ he asks directly.

‘He’s helping out at the dive centre a few keys up.’

‘He’s a diver?’ He doesn’t look very happy about this.

‘Yeah. We met him and Jorge – he was our instructor – when we were doing our PADI course.’

‘Oh, right. I forgot you did that.’ He tries to sound normal. ‘How did it go?’

‘Good.’ I join his act. ‘I’m fully qualified.’

‘Well done.’ Now he looks genuinely impressed. I really wanted to learn to dive on our honeymoon, but we didn’t have enough time to get it all organised.

‘What have you been up to?’ I ask awkwardly. This is so weird, this small talk.

He looks down at the table. ‘Just working, and you know …’

‘Seeing Evan,’ I chip in.

‘Not that much,’ he’s keen to tell me.

‘I don’t blame you,’ I say carefully. ‘Not for seeing him, anyway.’

He nods unhappily.

‘How’s Tessa?’ I ask, my voice hardening.

‘She’s … fine,’ he replies cautiously, then hurriedly adds: ‘You know there’s nothing between us, right?’

‘So you keep saying.’

‘There’s not, there’s really not.’

‘I believe you.’ I sigh. ‘But it doesn’t actually change things.’

‘How can I change things, then?’ he asks me quietly. ‘What can I do?’

‘I don’t know.’ I feel a wave of sympathy for him. He looks so helpless. ‘I don’t think there’s anything you can do.’

‘But—’

Our burgers arrive, so whatever he was about to say will have to wait. We eat in silence, but the appetite I’ve regained since moving in with Leo and the others, vanishes into thin air.

I notice Matthew is also struggling. He puts down his burger and picks at his chips. He used to eat so well. He’s always been slim and toned, but now he looks … Well, he looks quite skinny, and it doesn’t suit him. His facial features are almost gaunt, I can see that now. I was too distracted before by the dark circles under his eyes to fully take them in.

‘You’ve lost weight,’ I comment with concern.

He lets out an uneasy laugh. ‘Yeah.’

‘Matthew, you have to look after yourself.’ I lean towards him with empathy. He doesn’t waste this opportunity, scooping up my hand the moment it’s within reach. I tense up, but one look at his face … This time I don’t pull away.

He holds my hand tightly in both of his and takes a deep breath. I relax slightly as my body seems to recognise his touch.

‘I love you,’ he says in a low voice.

‘I know.’ I offer him a small smile, but it’s the best I can do.

After a while, I gently extricate myself and make a sign to the waitress to indicate we want the bill. ‘I should get back to the painting.’

He looks put out. ‘Really?’

‘Yeah, I want to get as much as possible done before …’ My voice trails off. Before Leo gets home. I want to impress him.

‘Can’t you take a break? Come for a swim at the hotel with me?’

I hesitate. I hate to admit it, but I miss that pool, and it’s hotter than usual today.

‘Come on,’ he presses. ‘Come and see my room.’

I give him a warning look.

‘Not like that,’ he scoffs. ‘But it’s really nice. It’s down by the pool and there are hammocks hanging right outside.’

‘I know the rooms you mean,’ I say with a smile. ‘Ours was upstairs with a balcony, facing the street.’

‘Nice.’

‘It was nice.’

He looks confused. ‘Why didn’t you stay there?’

‘It was too expensive.’ I brush him off. ‘And Jorge, Leo, Carmen and Eric had room.’

‘That’s a lot of people,’ he comments.

‘Oh, and Javier, too.’

‘Javier?’

‘Jorge and Leo’s nephew.’

‘Jorge and Leo are brothers?’

‘No. Carmen is Jorge’s sister, and she was married to Leo’s older brother before he died. They had Javier together, but now she’s with Eric.’

‘Sounds complicated.’

‘It is a bit.’

‘What are the rest of them like?’ he asks.

‘They’re … Well, Jorge is really nice. And I like Javier, even though he doesn’t say much to me. Carmen’s a bit of a cow, and Eric, well, it’s hard to have an opinion about Eric because he’s just sort of … there.’

‘And Leo?’

‘What about him?’

‘What’s he like?’

I sigh. ‘I don’t really want to talk about him.’

The look of anguish on his face nearly makes me break.

‘I think I’d better go,’ I say apprehensively, standing up.

He shakes his head quickly as though to rid himself of his thoughts and gets to his feet. ‘No, don’t. Please come for a swim. I’ve flown all this way to see you … Please,’ he says again. ‘I don’t think I’ll be long out of the sack.’

I hesitate a moment, before conceding. ‘Okay. I’ll see you by the pool in a bit.’

‘Cool.’ He grins back at me and for a moment I see the Matthew I used to know, the easy, charming, sweet Matthew.

I head back to the house feeling distinctly unnerved.

Later that afternoon, I say goodbye to Matthew and go home. He knows I don’t want him to come to the house tonight, and I think he will respect that. I can tell he’s absolutely knackered, anyway, so I’m sure he’ll crash out. I hope he doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night and spy on us from the sundeck, like I did that time, the freak that I am.

I have a shower and wash my hair, then I take a book upstairs to wait for Leo in his room. I hear him come home. He jogs up the stairs and enters his room, looking surprised yet pleased to see me waiting there.

‘Hi!’ he exclaims, as I sit up. He bends down and pecks me on my lips and I briefly close my eyes, wondering when he’ll do that again and wanting it to be sooner rather than later, but fearing the latter.

‘How was your day?’ I ask, chickening out of the big revelation as he straightens back up.

‘Good.’ He pulls his T-shirt over his head. ‘I went on a dive. Saw a leatherback turtle.’

‘Cool!’ I enthuse. ‘Was it big?’

‘About three feet. It was pretty amazing. First time I’ve seen one.’ I watch as he pulls on a fresh white shirt. He must’ve showered at the dive centre, because his hair isn’t as wavy as it sometimes gets after a dive.

‘You got started on the painting,’ he says, dropping to his knees and facing me. He looks so fresh and carefree. Happy.

‘Yeah.’ I smile shyly at him, pleased that he’s pleased.

‘It looks good.’

‘Thanks. I’ll do some more tomorrow.’

‘I can help you at the weekend. Don’t wear yourself out.’

‘I won’t.’

I take a deep breath.

He cocks his head to one side, sensing that something is wrong. ‘What is it?’

I take another deep breath and his face falls.

‘What?’ he asks again.

‘Matthew is here.’

Now anything pleasant about his expression is gone. One after the other his expression becomes shocked, horrified, angry, even disgusted.

‘He’s staying in the hotel.’ I feel unsettled. ‘He wants me to go home with him.’ Leo gets up and starts pacing the room. ‘I’m not going, though,’ I tell him quickly and he shoots me a dark look.

‘How long is he staying?’ he asks.

‘Five days.’

He shakes his head and stares at the wall.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘It’s not your fault.’

‘I’m still sorry.’ My nose begins to prickle.

‘Come here,’ he says gruffly and I stand up and hurl myself into his arms. He holds me tightly, pressing his lips to the top of my head.

That’s the last time he touches me.

He barely speaks to me throughout dinner, and afterwards I go straight to bed. It’s clear to both of us that we need to keep our distance for the foreseeable future. The next morning I get up early so I can speak to him before he goes to work. My stomach cartwheels when he comes downstairs, and it hurts not to be able to hold him, but I know he doesn’t want me to. I see with alarm that he has a bag packed.

‘Where are you going?’ I ask fearfully.

‘Miami,’ he replies.

‘For how long?’ My voice rises and his expression softens.

‘Just for a few days.’

I nod quickly, trying to keep my tears at bay.

‘I’ll see you,’ he says, and walks out of the door.

When Leo leaves, I want nothing more than to go up to my bedroom and cry my heart out. But I pull myself together and put on a brave face, then I head out to see Matthew. We go for a wander around Key West.

‘What did … Leo say when you told him I was here?’ he asks me, trying to keep his voice sounding even. I’ve got to give it to him; he’s not freaking out like I know I certainly would. Then again, I don’t suppose he’s given himself much choice, considering.

‘Not a lot. He’s gone to Miami for a few days,’ I tell him.

He gives me a sharp look. ‘Has he?’

‘Yep.’ I avert my gaze, but I’m sure he can see how unhappy I am.

‘Well, that’s good. Gives us some space.’

Don’t I know it? Leo is right, of course. He’s right to leave. He’s giving us all some space. He must need it, too, and Matthew and I sure as hell do. Matthew has, after all, come all this way. I owe it to him, to the vows that we made to each other, to try to sort this out. Even if I don’t want to. Whatever happens, whichever way this goes, a resolution is necessary. But how I hate to think of Leo in Miami without me. With Ashlee. What if he goes back to her? What if he tries to dull his pain by finding solace in someone else, anyone else? The thought makes me want to tear my hair out.

‘When you told me about him …’ Matthew starts, his voice turning harder. ‘I thought that was it, that it was definitely over between us …’ I hold my breath. ‘But then I thought, if I can forgive you, then maybe you can forgive me.’

He glances at me, but I’m still steadily averting my gaze.

A rooster hops out onto the pavement and Matthew jolts away. ‘What the …?’

‘They’re free-range around here.’ I laugh at his horrified expression. He laughs, too, and for a moment I forget where we are, and we’re just two friends, laughing at each other.

Friends … My throat closes up. He was my friend. My best friend. What is he now? Friends make mistakes. Marty and I have fallen out before, when she decided she preferred Lucy New to me in Year Three, but I forgave her. Isn’t that what friends do? Forgive and move on? Will I ever be able to forgive Matthew? Maybe. But I’m not sure I could ever move on. Not with him, surely. It’s too big, what he’s done. Isn’t it?

Matthew wants to go to Ernest Hemingway’s house, and as I didn’t make it there with Bridget and Marty, I’m happy to join him. Matthew has always wanted to write a book. He’s a fantastic writer of features, and I love reading his work for the newspaper – I feel so proud of him. I know that one day he’ll achieve his dream of becoming an author. No wonder he wants to wander around Hemingway’s house and soak up the inspiration.

Hemingway had a lot of cats, and since he moved away they’ve sort of taken over the place. Many of them have six toes on each paw. Freaky. But it’s a fun day, and it’s oddly nice being in Matthew’s company again. We head back to his hotel for a swim later in the afternoon, and to anyone else we must appear to be any other couple on holiday. We could be on our honeymoon.

Mike, the guy from reception, walks past at one point and does a double take.

‘Hi!’ I say shyly.

‘Back again?’ he asks.

‘Sorry, my …’ And then I don’t know what to say. My husband? No. ‘Matthew,’ I point to him, ‘is staying with you. Is it okay if I drop by occasionally?’

‘Of course!’ he exclaims. ‘Knock yourself out.’

‘I’m happy to pay extra for my room,’ Matthew chips in.

‘Don’t be silly.’ He brushes us off. ‘Just enjoy. See you back here for happy hour!’

‘Thanks.’ I smile at him and he wanders off. ‘They’re lovely here,’ I say to Matthew.

‘Yeah. I can see why you wanted to stay.’

‘Mmm.’

We both fall silent, both of us realising the idiocy of this sentence. The hotel had nothing to do with why I stayed in Key West.

We go out for dinner and it’s … well, nice. We talk about his work and family – his two brothers, one sister and parents – and generally what he’s been up to. We don’t talk about anything difficult.

He doesn’t ask me about Leo, about any of the details, and I’m grateful. Matthew has never been a particularly jealous person. The way he coped with my heartache on the anniversary of Will’s death …

After that first charity ball I went home and fell into a heap, I was so emotionally drained after putting on a brave face all evening, and in all the weeks leading up to the event. But it was hard having that relentless reminder that someone with such a bright future had been ripped so cruelly from this earth. I know Will and I would have gone our separate ways if he’d lived, but we would have stayed in touch, I’m certain of that. He was the one-time love of my life, and we had known each other since we were children, literally romping around in the haystacks as teenagers on my parents’ farm. I would always love him. How it pained me to be at that ball, with people constantly coming up to me and telling me how sorry they were for my loss. I felt like he’d died only yesterday. I longed for Matthew to be there, by my side, and I felt so lost without him. He turned up at my flat later, and I loathed myself for being so snivelly-nosed and red-eyed when I opened the door to him. A lesser man would have run a mile, but Matthew didn’t. He took me in his arms while I sobbed – over another man! And he didn’t run away. He made me sweet tea and put on Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow to cheer me up. Then he took me to bed, but didn’t make love to me that night, and I loved him more then than I ever had. He was a good man. He is a good man.