The Loss (Heartache series #1) (5 page)

“You can quit gawking at me now.” I startle at his voice but there’s a chuckle in it. He grins, “I’ve had to learn to cook in order to eat so I’m pretty good.” His eyes look over at me, and I smile. A genuine smile. I don’t think I’ve done that in a long time. Years. It feels wonderful and more like my old self.

“What no mac and cheese? Why, Jase. I’m actually kind of impressed, right now.” I push away from the frame of the door, walking towards him and lean over taking a big whiff of the ground beef. He pushes me back, gently with his arm, and laughs.

“What? No love. I’m feeling no love here! I’ll have you know, I can make quite a few things. Some a little better than others but still edible.” He grins at me, and I feel a little bit of what we used to have, filling me. “Now, if you’re a good girl, you can stay there and watch but if you criticize me, you’ll have to go sit at the table.” He winks as he pours in some tomato sauce, stirring it into the mixture, and I can’t help but watch the huge muscles in his arms flex as he works. “There’s beer in the fridge. Help yourself.”

I walk over, open the fridge door and am amazed by how clean and organized everything is. He certainly has changed. I grab a beer and turn, holding it up to him and he nods, so I grab another and take them over to the breakfast bar. I twist off the caps and bring mine to my lips, the liquid going down my throat smoothly. Turning around, I lean back against the counter and watch him. “So, why the name Battle Ground Fitness? It’s pretty unique.”

He puts a bunch of spaghetti noodles in the pot of boiling water and then walks over next to me. He picks up his beer and takes a large drink. My eyes can’t help but watch his throat move up and down with his swallow, and then he sets it back down. “I dunno. I was trying to come up with a different name and that one just popped into my head. It’s like….” He shrugs and settles back against the counter, mirroring me. “If you’re really serious about keeping fit, whether it be just to be healthy, training for something or just getting out some stress, it can be like a battle ground. Sometimes, there’s competition with others but there can also be against yourself. It just seemed fitting.”

I smile big. “Well, I really love it. That makes so much sense.”

We just stand there looking at each other, both with smiles on our faces and it all just seems so familiar. He turns towards me, leaning his arm on the counter. “What about you? Why Creative Graphics? I thought you were more unique than that. Not that there’s anything wrong with it but….”

He’s right, of course. Bill thought it would be better to be hidden behind the company’s name. I hated it. Still do. “Well…” I pretend to pick some lint or something from his sweatshirt that I’m wearing, but really I’m not sure what to say. “It was a quick decision and I didn’t have much time to get creative.” I look up as he moves away from the counter, drains the noodles in the strainer in the sink, and plops them back into a pot. “What are you doing?” He turns a bit so I can’t see, and I’m behind him in a flash trying to watch.

“Hey, secret here! No peeking!” He laughs and opens the oven, putting the pot in it before I can see what he’s done. He turns and almost knocks me over, again, steadying me with his hands on my arms, the tingles moving down them quickly. “Uh…. Why don’t you go sit down at the table? It won’t be long now.” Nodding, I turn, grab our beers and walk over to the table. He’d already put place settings down, and I’m surprised to see they all match.

“Your mom?” I ask as I wave my finger over the dishes.

He laughs again, and I think it’s the best sound I’ve heard in forever. “Yeah, well, if I would have had any say, we’d be eating off paper plates with plastic silverware.” I laugh, and he gives me his sexy smirk.

Dinner was fantastic and I told him so several times, enough that his head might explode. We’ve had about six beers now, sitting on the couch in his living room and talking about nothing and everything. “Where in the hell did you learn to cook? All I can remember is the many days of mac and cheese.”

“Ha! Hey, my mac and cheese was to die for.” His lower lip shoots out and I want to nip it, but instead I just lick my lips. “I told you. I would have died in college if I didn’t start learning to fend for myself, and I got some pretty amazing and easy recipes from Mom and also from Jolie. You met her yesterday, right?”

I’m laughing so much my sides hurt. “Yeah, I did.” I laugh a little more, and then I tilt my head, my elbow resting on the back of the couch, my fingers playing with some strands of my wavy and out of control hair. “What’s her story? I mean…. She seems nice but what’s with all the tattoos and piercings. Not that I mind them, they’re pretty cool, actually.”

He looks at my hand, watching my fingers move through my hair, and I swear he licked his lips. “I met her at college, in one of my business classes. She’s pretty cool. I never asked about her tats, figure that’s kind of a private thing, ya know? Most people’s tats tell stories and I’m not one to pry.” He shrugs and gives me a small smile.

I look at his firm jaw as he speaks. The way his muscles move when he shrugs. Damn, he’s definitely grown into a fine looking man, not that he wasn’t before, just more now. I sit up straight and then start to stand up but I’m a little tipsier than I thought and lose my footing. He’s fast in grabbing my arms and I wince. “Damn! Are you okay, Al? Did I hurt you?” I pull back, abruptly, and shake my head.

“It’s nothing. I…. I ran into the door frame at Mom’s earlier today. It’s just a tiny bruise.” With his long legs, his stride is quick, and he pulls up the shirt sleeve on my right arm. “It looks worse than it is. I just bruise easy,” I tell him, hoping he will buy it and not ask any more questions. I shrug out of his hold, give him what I hope is a smile and turn. “I’m just going to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” Once I reach the bathroom and close the door, I look into the mirror at the bruise on my arm and frown. I need to go home, but I really don’t want to. Not now. I pull my phone out from my pocket and sigh. Another fifteen texts, all of them from Bill about how sorry he is, how I need to come home, and how my mom is worried. It’s him who is worried. Worried I’ll tell someone what an asshole he really is. How controlling and stifling he is. What am I still doing with him? Why can’t I just tell him that I don’t want him anymore? Why in the hell can’t I grow some balls and leave him? Damn! I wish things hadn’t changed between Jase and me. I wish I could just tell Jase how I feel about him, about my life and live happily ever after.

Chapter 5

There’s fucking something going on, and I aim to find out what. I pace the living room floor, waiting for Alena to come back from the bathroom. She’s taking forever in there, and I’m about ready to go and crash through the door when I hear it open. It takes her awhile to walk back, but then she moves straight passed me and sits down on the couch, so I do the same. “Everything okay?” I watch her closely. She was never able to keep things from be before but so much has changed. We’ve changed. I fucking hate it. I miss the closeness we used to have.

“I’m good. Really good, actually,” she says smiling as she picks up her beer.

“Oh, yeah? Do you think you should drink more?” I give her my smirk, and she laughs. God, I love her laugh. I’ve fucking missed it.

“Oh, yeah. I need to drink more. A lot more. I’m having a great time. I need it.” She takes a drink and I start to stand.

“Okay. You asked for it.” I walk around the couch and into the kitchen, opening the cabinet that holds my stash. I grab two glasses and walk back in, sitting down on the floor as I place everything on the coffee table. She grins and slides down next to me as I open the tequila bottle and pour two shots into the small glasses, then hand her one.

Her eyebrows raise. “No salt or lime?”

I raise my glass up to hers and click it together. “Nope. Straight up.” She gives me a fucking sexy grin, and we both drink them fast. The liquid burns a little going down, but I’m sure after a few more I won’t feel it. I take her glass and pour us another one and we down them quick. After a couple more, I sit back with my beer and feel the numbing begin. This is really what I’ve been wanting, needing. Not being able to think, not really feeling anything. I haven’t drank that much booze in a couple of years. Spent way too much time in a bottle after the accident and don’t want to go back there, but every once in a while isn’t bad. However, the feeling I get, taking away the pain for a little while, is nice.

I turn and lean my head against my hand, my arm on the couch cushion and see that she’s asleep. Her head is resting on her arm that’s on the couch facing me. Her beer bottle is on the floor with her hand still around it, and her legs are curled up around her. I study her face for a bit, taking in her smooth skin, her perfect nose and how her bottom lip is a little fuller than the upper one. My heart races as I see my sweatshirt on her, oversized and the material falling off her shoulder a little, enough that I can see her unblemished skin of her neck fully. Shit, even drunk she makes my cock hard.

I set my beer on the coffee table and push myself up until I’m steady on my feet. I take her beer out of her grasp and set it down by mine and then put my arm under her legs and around her back, lifting her in my arms with ease. Her head lolls onto my shoulder, but she doesn’t stir. I walk her back to my room and lay her gently on my bed, covering her up with my sheet and blanket and then head back out to the living room to clean up. I hate waking up in the morning to a mess, and I have a feeling I won’t feel like cleaning it then. When I walk back into the living room, her phone is vibrating on the coffee table. I shouldn’t look. I should leave it alone but curiosity gets the better of me, and I walk over and pick it up.

Alena, darling. Where r u?

I said I was sorry. Please come home.

I’m getting really worried now.

Your mom said u were probably with Hailey. I miss you.

Motherfucker. Something tells me that’s where her bruise came from. I wonder what else he’s done to her. She doesn’t seem as self-assured as she used to, and I bet he’s the reason. I need to talk with Hailey and form a plan. I already have one of my own. I’m tired of being alone. Tired of not having my best friend anymore. And I’m tired of not moving on from friendship to a relationship with her. Scared of losing her or not, I need her and fuck, I want her so bad.

I practically drop her phone back onto the table, like touching it with his words to her scorched my hand. When I walk back into my bedroom, I lean against the door frame, crossing my arms and just look at her in my bed. My bed. Her hands are tucked under the side of her face on my pillow. Her hair is fanned out, wavy and soft across the pillow behind her. She looks like an angel in the moonlight streaming in through the blinds on the far window. So many nights I’ve tossed and turned in this bed, so many times the horror of the accident has played over and over again. Seeing her there, sleeping peacefully, makes me only think of her.

I quickly remove my shirt and jeans, grabbing a pair of my pajama pants and putting them on. I quietly walk to the other side of my bed, pulling down the covers and climb in under them. I lay on my back, my arm under my head and stare up at the ceiling, feeling her presence, smelling her. She mumbles something and moves towards me. My arm moves from beneath my head and raises into the air as her head lays on my chest. Her arm wraps around my stomach and moves under the covers until it’s laying on my bare skin. I slowly lower my arm until it’s around her shoulders and when I tighten my hold, her arm squeezes around me. God, I love the feel of her, her warmth against me. I lean down and take a sniff of her hair. Coconuts. I never liked the taste of coconut, but the smell on her is luscious. She settles more against me, getting closer still. Soon she’ll be on top of me if she moves anymore, and then I won’t be held responsible for my actions, but I need to go slow with her. I need to help her get her self-esteem back, the way it was before, then maybe I’ll have a chance. Maybe Hailey and I can get her to see that she needs to get away from that asshat and move back home. Home, where she belongs and to me.

After laying with her, smelling her, feeling her, for I don’t know how long, I finally close my eyes and dream of her.

Sunlight streams into my room. I can feel the warmth on my face and see the light under my eyelids. I raise my arms above my head and stretch then lay my hand out flat on the mattress beside me. It’s cold where it should be warm. My eyes snap open, scour the bed and then the room. Please tell me she didn’t leave. Throwing back the covers, I leap from the bed, my heart beating fast as I open the door and run from my bedroom. I scan the living room and see it’s just how I left it, but her phone is gone from the coffee table. In fear, I jog through the room and stop short when I reach the kitchen. The sexiest vision stands at my stove. She changed into one of my t-shirts, the hem reaching her upper thigh. Her long legs with the smoothest of skin and her bare feet, her toes painted with some kind of sparkles on the big ones, giving my morning wood even more of a reason to strain against my pants. She doesn’t notice me yet so I try to be discreet as I adjust myself through my pajamas. Maybe I should go change before she sees me. Fuck, too late. Her head turns my way, and my cock aches as her eyes scan my body. A smile graces her lips as she lands on the one place that needs the attention the most.

“Morning,” she whispers as her eyes land on mine.

I would feel a little scrutinized, but this is Alena. All I feel is the urge to walk over pick her up and lay her out on the breakfast bar. “Um,” my voice is gruff with sleep, so I clear it. “Whatcha doin’?”

She looks down and pushes some food around in my skillet. So fucking hot! “Oh, I’m just whipping up some breakfast for you.” Her eyes move to mine, and I swear if she doesn’t stop looking at me like that, I’m gonna have to go take a cold shower. Slow. I need to take it slow, I keep telling myself.

“Smells good,” I tell her as I walk towards her. I look down at the skillet and the aroma hits me hard. Cue: stomach growl.

She giggles, and it’s music to my ears. “Go sit down, sir. I’ll bring you a plate,” she says, sweetly.

I don’t hesitate and as I sit down I notice she’s already put silverware, napkins and glasses filled with orange juice and milk on the table. My mouth suddenly feels like it’s full of cotton balls, and I’d wish I wasn’t in such a hurry to find her and had brushed my teeth. Gross. She walks over and sets a plate in front of me, and I can’t help but lower my head and take a deep breath. “Mmmm.” My eyes lift, and I watch her sexy body walk over and sit down in the seat across from me, a huge smile on her beautiful face. “If I go by the smell, it’s gonna taste so good.” I smile, she gives me a wink and my hard on just got harder, if that’s even possible. I grab my fork and scoop up a big mouthful, and the taste hits me like a ton of bricks. “Fuck, that’s awesome.”

She takes a dainty bite, and her lips form into a smile around her fork. Fuck. Me. “I’m glad you like it,” she says once she swallows.

We eat in silence for a few minutes and then I blurt out, “I thought you were gone this morning when I woke up.” So much for my non filter.

“Oh, well. I was hungry and I….” She looks down at her phone that I hadn’t noticed on the table, and then back up into my eyes. “I wasn’t ready to leave.” She shrugs like it’s no big deal, but I have a feeling why she didn’t want to go home.

“No big deal. You can stay as long as you want.” She smiles and takes another bite so I follow her lead. I pick up a piece of toast and shove it in my mouth, hoping that will keep me from spewing some more uncomfortable talk. Finally, after we’ve eaten most of our food I lay my fork down and wipe my mouth with my napkin. “So, tell me about this Bill.”

I watch her face grow pale and her fork drops out of her grip to her plate, loudly. She closes her eyes, briefly, and then reopens then and looks up at me while picking up her fork. “Sorry, slipped. What about Bill?”

I take another bite and act as nonchalant as I possibly can, which isn’t very much. “Oh, I dunno. Like, how did you two meet? What does he do for a living? Are you in love?” Her fork crashes against the plate again but instead of picking it up, she grabs the entire place setting and gets up, walking over to the sink. I’m starting to think I may have pushed her a little too far.

♥    ♥    ♥    ♥

Shit! What do I tell him? I can’t tell him everything. Can I? No! I start scrubbing the plate, a little too hard. “There’s nothing to tell, really. We met at college in a business class. He has a degree in Accounting and has his own accounting firm.” I shrug my shoulders as I put the plate in the dishwasher and start scrubbing the fork.

“You know….” I jump at his voice that is suddenly right beside me. “The whole point of a dishwasher is to wash the dishes so you don’t have to.”

I look up at him and smirk. “I know. I know!” I put the utensils in the dishwasher and grab his plate, tugging at it, but he has a firm grip on it.

“Al. I’m sorry. It’s none of my business but you don’t seem very happy with him.” I stop pulling and look into his sad eyes. “I know I don’t have to tell you how short life is and that you deserve better. Hailey….”

I let go and stand up straight, my hand immediately gripping my hip. “What? What has Hailey said? I swear I’m gonna….”

“She hasn’t said anything. Really. I was just gonna say that Hailey just went through a bad breakup and hasn’t been the same since. I just don’t want you to end up that way. That’s all.”

“Oh.” Now I feel horrible. My hand leaves my hip, and I frown. “I feel so bad. We got so caught up yesterday with everything else, I never got to talk to her about it. I need to talk to her.” My phone rings as if by magic. I walk over and grab it from the breakfast bar, and I feel the color drain from my face when I see it’s Bill. I turn my head towards Jase and give him a small smile. “I’ll just be a….” I walk out of the kitchen and into the living room, trying to keep my voice low.

“Hi.”

“Darling, I was worried. Did you get my texts?” He sounds concerned, but I’m not sure I feel very bad for him.

“Yes, I got them. I just need some….”

“Alena, I’m so sorry for what happened. You know I’d never hurt you intentionally.” Do I? There’s only been a couple of times since we’ve been together that an ‘accident’ has happened but especially since this trip came up, they seemed to be happening more often.

“I know you’re sorry but….”

“Please come back to your moms, she’s been worried sick as well.” Hmmm, that’s strange. Doesn’t sound like Mom. She’s always given me the freedom to do what I want, when I want. Always told me she trusts me, but if I needed her to call.

“Okay. I’ll see you in a little bit,” I tell him in a small voice.

“Good, I’m so relieved. I love you, darling.” I cringe a little at his words. A strange feeling washes through me and I turn around and look into the kitchen. Do I really love Bill? Or has it been the support he’s given me all this time, the safety of our relationship, or the escape he gave me?

“Yes. I do too. Bye.” I walk back into the kitchen. The same sadness fills my eyes, and my head is bent low. I release a big sigh and then look up at Jase, trying to put a smile on my face. “I need to go. I think my clothes are dry now.” He doesn’t speak or move. He just watches me walk back out of the room. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to think anymore. All the feelings that I’ve tried so desperately to escape from are back with a vengeance. I get into the bathroom and close the door, then grab my clothes and start undressing. His smell is still heavily on the sweatshirt I’ve been wearing, even more so since he held me last night. I look up into my reflection in the mirror, my eyes wide. He held me last night, and it felt like home. I’m in so much trouble.

I had such a hard time telling Jase goodbye, but he was sweet and didn’t ask any questions. I felt his lips kiss my forehead, and I swear I can still feel them now. I hit my Bluetooth and call Hailey on the way home.

“Girl! Where in the hell have you been? I’ve been trying to get ahold of you since yesterday.” Silence and then a sigh. “Are you okay?” The sadness in her voice breaks my heart. What a shit friend I am.

“I’m okay. Hey, what’re you doing for dinner tonight?” I try to sound uplifting but not sure it’s working.

“Uh, having dinner with you?” I can hear the smile in her voice, and I relax.

“Yes, you are. Come over to Moms at six. Don’t be late!” She laughs and agrees then I hang up as I turn the corner onto my street. Bill’s rental car is in the driveway, and I take a deep breath as I pull in beside it. As I get out of the car and walk up the short sidewalk the front door opens, and I stop.

“Sweetheart, glad you’re home. Come here,” Mom says with a smile. I walk up the two small steps and into her arms. She hugs me tight, and I feel safe. “I made your favorite tuna fish salad. Come eat.” I give her a smile and loop my arm through hers as we walk into the house. I don’t see Bill anywhere as we walk down the short hallway then into the kitchen.

“Where’s Dad and Bill?” I sit down at the table and watch her busy herself getting plates and the bowl from the fridge.

“Oh, Bill wanted to see the new office building downtown so Dad drove him. Men! I swear! Who cares about a stupid building?” She brings everything over and sits down next to me, filling my plate with tuna fish salad and plops some crackers down too. My favorite! She fixes her own as I start to put some on a cracker and take a bite. Yum! You’d think I wouldn’t be hungry, but suddenly I am. “So, you know I don’t pry in your business but Bill was pretty upset last night when you didn’t come home.” I stop chewing and look over at her as she takes a bite of her own. She lays her arm on the table, still holding her spoon with tuna fish on it and looks over at me sighing. “Just the strangest thing. I got the feeling that instead of being worried, which he had no reason to be anyway, he acted more like he was…. mad.” She puts the tuna fish on another cracker and takes a bite. I’m frozen, waiting for her to speak again. “You know. We don’t know Bill very well yet but why would he be mad when you’re home visiting your friends, the place you grew up where everyone knows you?” She looks down and starts scooping more onto another cracker. “It’s not like you’re in a big city where you could get into trouble. I just don’t understand, I guess.”

I set my spoon down on my plate, along with my cracker, and lean over, putting my head against her shoulder. “Oh, Mom. I was with Jase last night.” My eyes look up until I can see her face. I expected to see shock on it, but instead there was a smile. I feel her hand against the side of my head patting it. 

“I figured either that or you were with Hailey but then she called me looking for you. There’s nothing wrong with catching up with your best friend, honey.” I lower my eyebrows and frown. “But it’s more than that, isn’t it?”

I sit back up and sigh loudly. “It’s complicated. Everything’s so complicated. I wish we could go back to the days when we all were together, hanging out, and playing ball. Why does everything have to change?” I feel like a whiny teenager again.