The Loss (Heartache series #1) (8 page)

“I love this picture. We were so young and carefree.” I sigh as I feel him walk up behind me, with his hand on my shoulder as he lays his chin there. “Why do things always have to change? Why can’t we go back there, run through the sand, into the waves, laughing and having a good time?” I feel his breath against my skin as he sighs.

“It’s one of my favorite pictures. That was so much fun that day. Remember we buried Liv in the sand?” He laughs and so do I. His warmth leaves me but soon he takes my arms and turns me around to face him. “One thing I learned from my therapist is that change will always happen, no matter how hard you to try to avoid it. You won’t always like the changes, but you have to accept them or change them, if you can. However, a lot of them can’t be changed. Sometimes they’re unfair and sometimes they are meant to be.” I look down as I think about his words. He bends down to my eye level, and I look up at him. “Thing is, whether we like them or not, we have to keep going, keep fighting. We need to be strong and determined to make it in this life, the best way we can.”

“What if I don’t have the strength to fight anymore, Jase,” I whisper not understanding if I’m talking about staying away from him or leaving Bill or both. I’m so confused.

“Then we help you, with whatever you’re fighting for.” My heart beats wildly and emotions fill me until I feel like they’re strangling me.

“What if I don’t know which is the right thing to fight for?” I swallow hard with my words as I look into his searching eyes.

His eyes penetrate me and dig deep into my soul. “That’s something only you can figure out, Alena. Dig deep into your heart, let it help guide you but know that you have a lot of people who will support you, no matter what you decide.” I feel a tear leave my eye, traveling down my face, and I quickly wipe it away.

I take a step back, hitting his desk behind me, and nod slightly. “I need to get cleaned up. I’m a mess.” I laugh trying to change the mood that’s thick around us.

“You’re beautiful.”

I turn and walk around him, heading towards the bathroom. “You have to say that. You’re my best friend.” I look behind me and see him cringe but a small smile lifts the corners of his mouth. “I’ll hurry so you can take yours.” I step into the bathroom and close the door behind me, leaning back against it and allow the tears to flow.

I turn on the shower and let the water heat up as I remove my clothes. I refuse to look in the mirror, afraid of what I’ll see. Once I adjust the temperature, I step under the spray, close the door and let it try to melt away all my frustration. It doesn’t work. My knees buckle and I hit the floor hard, pulling up them up and wrapping my arms around them. I bury my face into them and cry. I cry for the loss of Liv, the loss of my close friendship with Jase, for the mess I’m in with Bill, but most of all I cry knowing I won’t ever get to kiss Jase again or be in his strong and loving arms. Not like I want to. Not like I desire and ache for. Never again. I can’t allow it.

After I exhaust all my tears, I wash up quickly and dry off. When I look in the mirror, I see my eyes are swollen and bloodshot. Great. I walk out of the bathroom, my towel tight around my body, and see a set of sweat shorts and a sweatshirt with the arms ripped off sitting on the bed. Jase. Dropping the towel to the floor, I quickly put on the clothes and am swallowed whole by them. I can’t help but laugh as I try to roll up the waist band of the shorts and pull on the tie as tight as I can. I walk out of the room and down the stairs, my bare feet silent on the carpet, and walk into the kitchen. He looks up at me from the table, his eyes giving his approval as I come close and sit down in a chair across from him.

“Nice outfit,” he smirks as he takes a drink of his coffee. I reach for my cup with a smile I can’t seem to remove from my face. His face changes. His eyebrows lower and seriousness takes over. “Alena, about earlier. I….”

I frown. “Jase. Don’t. Let’s just pretend it didn’t happen and get back to our friendship.”

“But….”

“I really think it’s for the best, Jase. I’m sorry but things are so complicated right now. I just don’t think….”

“What things?” He asks, clearly annoyed.

I look down at the omelet on my plate and sigh. “I can’t tell you.” I look back up and plead. “Not right now. Maybe…. Maybe someday. I’m sorry.”

He sets his cup down and concern flows over his handsome face. “Maybe I can help, Al. Isn’t that what friends are for? You used to think so. You used to tell me that all the time, especially after the accident. I didn’t let you or anyone else in during that time, I couldn’t. But now I know different. I know I should have. Let me be there for you, let me support you. Won’t you let me in?” Damn, he’s fighting me with my own words. He’s right, of course. I know. How can I tell him what a fool I’ve been? The stupid mistakes and choices I’ve made. How can I let him in without putting him in danger? He’d fight for me, until his last breath, I know he would. I can’t put him in that position. I won’t.

I smile and try to lighten the tension filling the room. “It’s just some business stuff I allowed to happen that I wish I wouldn’t have. I’m fine, really. I’ll work it all out. I promise I will tell you about it after the reunion, okay?” Well, once I’ve gone back to reality and am away from this town. Far away where he or no one else can find me. It’ll be the only way. That seems to appease him, for now, but I’m not sure how long that will last. “Right now, I want to hear about how I’m gonna cream you playing ball tonight.” He gives me his wicked grin and laughs. Nice save, Alena.

We actually ended up having a great time, eating our omelets and drinking our coffees. I left his house about eight and headed home. I’m not looking forward to the questions that Bill will be hitting me with on why it took so long to run this morning. He doesn’t like me outside running anyway and has told me this time and time again. Doesn’t even matter that I’m in my home town, the place where just about everyone knows everyone and what’s going on at almost all times. Of course, he’s from New York so how could he possibly understand? Then again, he wants all control over me, at all times. It wasn’t like that, at first. He was actually tender, romantic, and I thought he loved me. Then he changed as I got my business up and running. After it hit the halfway mark to a million dollar company, he was a total control freak. Not only about the business but about me. Then came the abuse, not too bad at first, but it is there. I had no idea. There were no signs, nothing that told me he was that way. Once he started the blackmail, I knew I couldn’t run, but after being home, around those I love and care about, I started formulating a plan. A plan to escape him and hide until I can find a way to fight him. I just want to be home, living a happy life with all my family and friends around me. I need to make that happen and soon.

I walk into my house and find it eerily quiet. Where is everyone? I look around downstairs. No one. I make my way upstairs and check Mom and Dad’s room, then the spare bedroom, although I don’t know why and then walk into my room. Weird. Where did everyone go? Suddenly, the door closes and I’m pushed against it. His mouth claims mine, his hand immediately on my breast. His lips move from my mouth to the side of my face, and then he breathes in my ear. “It’s been too long, Alena. I want you.” My heart races, not due to excitement, but from the urge to run. He begins to pull up on the hem of my shirt, and instantly I’m reminded that it’s Jase’s sweatshirt and not mine. I left my clothes at his house. Shit!

“Not now, Bill. I’m sweaty from running,” I squeak out, lightly pushing my hand against his chest and hoping he’ll stop.

“I don’t care, Alena. It’s been too long,” he says breathlessly in my ear. His hands leave me, tugging up on my shirt, moving my arms up over my head with it until it’s off.

“Bill,” I groan but not out of lust, out of the need for him to stop. He thinks otherwise, and it urges him on. My bra is unclasped, and his hand finds the bare skin of my breast, kneading and tweaking the nipple. The last thing I want to do is anger him, so I close my eyes and imagine it’s Jase’s fingers, his lips on my mouth, and suddenly I’m so turned on. “Ugh,” I moan as his lips move down my neck, my chest and then to my stomach. My pants are pulled down, and then I’m lifted into his arms. I dare not open my eyes or my dreams will evaporate. I feel the mattress under me, and then he plunges into me. I fist the comforter in my hands and visions of Jase fill my head. I can just feel him inside me while sucking my nipple hard. The cool air makes it harden even more when his mouth leaves it, and the ache in my core grows. We get into a rhythm, but he seems hurried, and I’m glad. He moans my name, and I can see his concentrated beautiful face as he releases. The most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen. My orgasm is so close, and it’s about to explode when he pulls out. What? I open my eyes to see not only a satisfied grin on Bill’s face but also an evil one. He did that on purpose.

“Just wanted to get you ready for tomorrow, darling. You’ll be even more willing now,” he smirks as he climbs off me. I watch him gather his clothes and walk into the bathroom and suddenly feel ill. I pull the covers down underneath me, slide down, and pull them up to my neck, roll over and grab ahold of the pillow with both hands. It’s gonna be a long day and night and now, all I want is Jase to hold me.

The day wasn’t too bad. I ended up helping Mom with stuff in the kitchen, making relish plates, veggies and dips and pounding out hamburger meat into patties, which helped with my frustration a bit. Not enough. By five, some people started to congregate in the cul-de-sac at the end of our street, setting up tables and lawn chairs while others were pulling out their grills, filling with charcoal and lighting them up, getting ready to cook. The smell of burning briquettes filled the air as I carried a bag full of munchies down the street. “Alena!” I smile as I get closer, lifting my hand to wave.

“Hey, Mr. B,” I holler at Jase’s Dad.

I continue to walk, my tennis shoes hitting the sidewalk, making that clumping noise, and I look around the area as a small breeze blows my hair across my face. I stop and snap my head around at the sound of a loud motorcycle in time to see Jase riding down the street and then pulling into his parent’s driveway. I watch with bated breath as he shuts off the engine, his muscular leg hiking over the seat, as he kicks the stand until it’s stable on the ground. He turns, his eyes zoning straight at mine. A smile lifts the corner of his mouth, and I watch his muscles flex in his bicep as he sends me a wave. Damn. His waist twists slightly as he walks towards me, his white wife-beater tucked in and so tight against his skin that I can see his nipples peaked. Once again, I’m in so much trouble.

“Hey, gimmee that,” he says, smiling more and showing his straight white teeth. His arm lifts, his hand reaches out to take my bag, and I don’t have a clue how I haven’t noticed just how tan he is. I so blame the earlier frustration of not getting to have an orgasm for my thoughts and heavy breathing. Yeah, no. I’d have them anyway. “Here.” I let him take the bag and turn, as we begin to walk to the others. “What time is the game?” I look at him and smile. I’m seriously in so much trouble.

Chapter 8

I’m such a fucking idiot! Not only did I come on too strong, too fast, but now, Alena and I are right back where we started. Fuck! Why did I move so fast? Yeah, I know why. I want her. I was always so nervous that if I made a move and something happened between us, I’d lose her friendship too. I didn’t want to take the risk. Didn’t think I could handle feeling that loss. But now? It’s all I think about. The other thing that bothers me is this asshole Bill. Does she really love him? If she were really in love, wouldn’t she be a happier person? I’ve seen that kind of love with my parents, Alena’s parents and some others, so I know the difference. All of these thoughts hit me hard as I drive over to my old neighborhood.

It was easier driving by the place where the accident happened this time. Not a ton, but a little bit. When I drove down the street, I immediately saw her and noticed how she stopped and turned my way, watching me. When I parked at my parents and got off my bike, I saw her eyes light up and then as I walked towards her, they scanned my body. Fuck, the look on her face already has me rock hard. I take the bag from her hand, our fingers brushing up against each other’s and a sensation moves through them, up my arm and by the look in her eyes, I can tell she felt it too. So many times, over the years, we’ve touched. Even this morning, when we kissed, but this is the first time I felt that sensation and so strongly.

“What time is the game?” I ask, waggling my eyebrows as we turn and start walking towards the others.

I look over as she smiles. “Well, I was thinking maybe we should start before all the cooking is done. I think playing on an empty stomach would be better, don’t you? Unless you want stomach cramps as I work you out hard chasing me with the ball.” My cock twitches at her playfulness and it doesn’t help my hard on, at all. She winks and then takes off in a run. I watch her tight butt swaying, and suddenly I’m feeling like I need a cold shower.

What the fuck? I need to back the fuck off. She’s pretty much made her decision so I should honor it. Damn, that’s gonna be tough. But if all I can have is her friendship, I’ll take it. That’s more important to me than anything. I still think she has feelings for me though and more than friendship.

Hailey arrived shortly after Scott, Tate, Tim, and Jolie. Everyone brought their gloves, favorite sticks, and balls. If we include Bill then we have more guys than gals but of course the wuss said he wasn’t playing, something about an old injury. Is he kidding? Does he not know I blew out my knee in high school, had surgery, and now I have to wear a brace to do any kind of exercise? Asshole. “Yo, ‘sup!” Scott walks over and we give each other a fist bump and one arm man hug then the girls walk over slowly along with Tim. “Looks like the sides are a little uneven. Maybe one of us should sit out,” he laughs like a hyena, but I can’t help but chuckle. He puts his arm on my shoulder and looks around at the girls. “After all, we don’t want to show up the ladies too bad.”

“I can be on their side,” Tim speaks up and we all turn our heads at him.

“Shut it, Tim,” Scott says seriously but then smiles.

Hailey walks right up to him, face to face, and winks. “No worries. We’ve got this.” He slugs her shoulder and she steps back but then right back up into his face. “We’ve got Alena. That means maybe one of us ladies should step out to give you boys a fair chance.”

I rub my chin and look down, trying to contain my laughter as I step away from Scott and into the semi-circle. “Nah, I think you ladies should keep everyone. It’ll be fairer that way.” Alena smacks my shoulder as I grab my stick, mitt and ball from the ground and start to walk down to the vacant lot behind the grills. I hear multiple footsteps behind me as I walk down the sidewalk, away from all the parents and neighbors sitting out in their lawn chairs, having drinks, eating munchies and chatting while Danny, Dad and Mr. Spencer man the grills. Once I’ve arrived at the lot, I continue walking until I’m close to the tree line, far away from the festivities. I turn around, setting my stick down on the ground and watch the guys set down the bases we’d made so long ago. Some of them were worse for wear, but they haven’t been used in years. Danny always kept them at his bar, in the storage closet, hoping we’d use them again.

“Okay! You all know the rules. Play fair. No rough housing but have fun!” Scott starts whooping and hollering. Hailey rolls her eyes, and Jolie gives me a wink. This is new for her, so I had to give her a run down today at the gym. But, something tells me she can hold her own. Now, Tate? Shit, she’s so prissy. She’ll probably break a fingernail and run away crying. “The ladies can be up first. Men, take your positions on the field.”

The guys start spreading out, Tim being our pitcher. “I’d like to take a position,” Scott laughs as he pinches Tate’s ass, and she squeals. I roll my eyes and put my glove on, bending down with my hands on my knees and wait. I’m behind second base but further in the outfield, ready to run to cover second or third while Scott is closer and in between first and second. Jolie comes up to bat. She actually holds it like a pro and when Tim pitches the ball, she hits it hard. I have to run back quickly, but I stop short, before backing into a tree, and watch it fly over my head. Good thing we brought several balls.

“Whoop! Whoop!” The girls all scream as Jolie runs the bases.

I laugh, shaking my head, as I walk slowly back to my spot. Hailey’s up next and she manages to hit the ball almost right to me but low to the ground. I swoop it up in my mitt and throw it to Scott as Hailey makes it to first base. Tate walks over to home plate and wiggles her ass as she gets in her stance. Scott’s eyes are glued to said ass. “Yo, Scott! Keep your eyes on the ball, not her ass!” I yell. He turns his head and gives me the finger. Nice. She barely hits the ball, dropping her stick gracefully and starts running towards first. “Tim! Get the ball!” I scream. He flinches and then looks down and runs, grabbing it and throwing it to Scott. Of course, he over throws and I run to get it. By the time I’ve swooped it into my mitt, Hailey has made it to third.

I shake my head and throw it to Tim, who tries to catch it, and it drops to the ground with a thud. Great. “Well, nice work guys.” I look over at home plate and see Alena already in her stance. I lick my lips as she bows her back, spreading her feet slightly apart with a firm grip on the stick. At some point, she’d pulled her hair back and twisted it in some kind of braid but a few loose strands blow across her forehead with the breeze. Tim turns his head towards me, winking. We know she always used to hit towards third, so I’m ready. He pitches, but it’s outside. She picks up each foot, putting them down in her stance as her fingers flex around the stick. He pitches again and a loud crack echoes across the field when she swings. I look up, blinded by the early evening sun and finally see it heading over third base. I take off running, my mitt ready to catch it. Instead, I keep an eye on Alena running the bases. The ball hits the dirt then starts to roll. I grab it with my mitt mid run, and then take off towards third base when I spot her heading there. My heart starts to beat wildly from the chase and the adrenaline as I watch her begin to slide. I dive, my mitt with the ball in front of me, and we meet at the base.

“Ow!” She screams.

I’m panting, dirt covering my face along with sweat and look over. She’s sitting up, her finger touching around her upper leg that has the biggest bruise already forming and dots of blood all over it. Quickly, I push off the ground with my hand, my mitt falling down and squat down beside her. “Are you okay? You shouldn’t have slid.” Her eyes look at me beneath her long wet lashes. “Here. Let me help you up.” She holds her hands out, and I take them in mine, standing as I pull her up. She has her hurt leg raised in the air a little and starts to put it down and winces.

“Dinner! Come and get it!”

I look up as Dad yells over our way and then back at Alena. “Come on, slugger. Let’s get you home and cleaned up then we can go eat and have some much needed beers.” Everyone starts to head in, laughing. Scott is chasing after Tate and Jolie hangs back walking with Hailey. Alena smiles as I put my arm around her waist, helping her walk. She’s limping but not too badly and as we get closer to the street I notice Bill jumping out of his chair. He practically knocks me out of the way, taking my place beside Alena and I stop, watching her look back at me from over his shoulder, shrugging hers and giving me an apologetic look.

I feel someone pat me hard on my back, but I just can’t seem to look away from her. “Cheer up, dude. Come on, I’ll buy you a beer.” I let out a small laugh and look at Scott as he walks towards the cooler, and then I look back at Alena. That asshat’s arm is around her shoulder, but she seems stiff hobbling next to him. Shaking my head, I walk toward the party, sitting down in a lawn chair as Scott hands me a cold one. It’s gonna be a long evening of food, drinks and chatter. After about thirty minutes, Alena walks back out but without Bill. I grab the edge of a vacant lawn chair, pulling it out and give her a smile. She smiles sadly and sits down. I reach behind me and pull out a beer from a cooler, twist off the cap and hand it to her.

“Thanks,” she says quietly.

“You okay?” I noticed she changed into some white capris. Her hair is back down, and she’s put some makeup on, yet I can tell she’s been crying. It’s harder to see her very well in the darkness moving in around us, but I can tell.

“Yeah, I’m good.”

I take a drink of my beer, feeling uncomfortable. I know she’s lying. “So, where’s Bill?” I have to choke out his name.

She looks back at her house and then at me. “He, uh…. He had to change clothes. I got some blood on his pants and shirt when he was helping me.” She turns her head a little, and I sit up straight. I swear she has a bruise on her face. Hmmm, maybe not. It’s hard to tell in the low lighting. We sit there in awkward silence. There’s so much I want to say, ask, but I just keep still. The crickets are chirping around us in full force, the sounds of people talking, laughing, and it’s a beautiful night. Even in the darkness, the moonlight gives an overcast on part of her face, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Footsteps approach, and I look over in time to see Bill lean down behind her, his hands squeezing her shoulders, and she jumps at his touch.

“Darling, there you are.” He kisses the side of her face, and she closes her eyes, tightly. He finds an empty lawn chair and pulls it up next to her, as close as he possibly can get, sits down and turns his head to her. “Get me a plate. Hamburger, you know how I like it and all the fixings.” He doesn’t ask.

She nods and stands. I watch her stiffly walk over to the grill, and I’m starting to fume. “Asking is more polite. Don’t you think?” I all but growl.

He sighs, like what I asked is the most boring question in the world. “Look. Our relationship is none of your business but…. Women like to know their place. They like to be told what to do. Handled. It gives them a peace of mind.” He looks over at Alena, staring at her. “She’s really a handful. Has a mind of her own. But she’s coming around.”
Motherfucker son of a bitch!

I twist in my seat, giving him full view of me and flex my muscle, gripping my beer so tight the bottle may break. “Look, asshat, Alena is very close to me. What you do to her, you do to me. So, you’d best remember that. I’m not fucking afraid of you and I don’t know what hold you have over her but you better back off.” Spit spews from my mouth, my body shaking in anger.

He laughs.
Laughs?
He turns to me and gives me his asshole smile. “You are only a childhood memory. One that is long gone.” His smile turns into a sneer. “I’m her future and you best remember that. I’ve been there for her, picked up the shattered pieces and put them back together. I’m her foundation, her support. You don’t know me and I suggest you back off. You have no idea what I’m capable of.”

“And you don’t know what I’m capable of. Remember that asshole!” I start to stand up, ready to punch his face in, when Alena walks back, hands him his plate along with a napkin and sits down in her chair.

“Oh, no, darling. You need to get yourself some food.” He leans over and kisses the side of her head. “No bun, hamburger patty only. Make sure you get some of those vegetables, no dip. We must watch your figure.” She cringes but then puts back on her masked smile, so quickly you could have missed it. She only nods, stands and walks back over to the grill. “See? She really likes to be told what to do. Keeps her in her place,” he says smugly.

I stand, my chair folding behind me and hitting the ground with a loud clap. I’m starting to walk over to him, ready to knock his smug, arrogant lights out when a hand is pressed against my chest stopping me. “Hey, Jase! Come on, buddy. Let’s go take a walk,” Scott’s voice rings in my ear. Bill looks up at me and smiles then looks down and picks up his hamburger, taking a huge bite then wiping his mouth daintily with his napkin.
Arrogant son of a bitch!
“Jase!” My hands are balled into a fist, and I’m squeezing the life out of them, much like I’d like to be doing to his neck right now. Scott pats my chest hard a couple of times, and I finally turn my head to him, trying to focus on him instead of my hatred. “Come on, man.” His hand slides over my shoulder and he puts his arm around me. “Let’s go take a walk, get some fresh air. Breathe in some clean air instead of this smug shit.” He winks at me, and I turn back to asshole. I start to walk, letting Scott lead me away from the group until we’ve reached the vacant lot, far enough away that no one will hear us.

I start pacing, my fists still clenched and anger radiating from me. “I wanna fucking beat him until there’s no life left in him,” I growl. My heart is racing so much that I feel like I could explode. I wanna explode, all over his ass.

“Man! Calm your shit down. This is not the time or place.” I look over at him, stop and take some deep breaths. He’s right. Fuck! He walks over and puts an arm around me. “Don’t worry. I got your back.” I look at him and see his devilish grin. “There’ll be a time and I won’t hold you back.” I like the way he thinks.

♥    ♥    ♥    ♥