The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (102 page)

The narrator continues: “A third of the US Fleet was destroyed in the single worst attack of the Second World War.” The Jew shakes his head again.

“Twenty-fve thousand American men and women died that day, some of them burned beyond recognition.” By now, the Jew, much the worse for drink, is fghting mad and wants to vent his anger. He turns round and sees a little oriental-looking guy on a bar stool at the end of the bar. He runs over and punches the oriental-looking bloke in the face, knocking him off his stool. The guy picks himself off the foor and says, “What the hell was that for, you fucking idiot?”

“That was for Pearl Harbour!”

“You stupid bastard, that was the Japanese, I’m Taiwanese!”

The Jew replies, “Japanese, Chinese, Taiwanese, same difference. You’re all slanty-eyed yellow bastards!!” Feeling really proud of himself, he sits back on his stool and starts drinking his beer.

The next moment, the Taiwanese bloke goes fying across the bar and plants a fying kung-fu-style kick on the side of the American Jew’s head, sending him crashing into the wall.

The Jew says, “What the fuck was that for, you slanty-eyed twat?”

“That was for the Titanic!”

“What the fuck are you on about? That was an iceberg!!”

“Goldberg, Weinberg, Spielberg, Iceberg, same difference, you’re all thieving Jew cunts!”

’ What do the Japanese use for blindfolds?

Dental foss.

Why do Japanese people have slanted eyes?

Because they’re still squinting from the blast.

Yamada Kaaru has been revealed as the only known survivor of both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki atomic bomb attacks. He has survived to the ripe old age of ninety-three and, although details of his medical history have been kept private, he is described as slightly deaf in one ear. The hearing in the other three is said to be very good.

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is rammed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice, “Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!”

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz infuences in his long career, Stevie goes into a freeform jazz riff for about ten minutes. When he fnishes the crowd goes wild, but the little old man jumps up again and shouts, “No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord.”

Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into another jazz improvisation and really tears the place apart.

The crowd really appreciates this amazingly complex technical improvisation, but the little old man jumps up again, “No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord.”

Well and truly miffed that this little Japanese man doesn’t seem to appreciate his technical expertise, Stevie calls to him from the stage, “Okay. You get up here and do it.”

The little old man climbs up on to the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing . . . “A jazz chord to say I ruv you . . .”

An American businessman is in Japan for a meeting. One night he gets drunk and solicits a Japanese prostitute. All the time he’s having sex, the hooker keeps moaning, “Nagachi ana! Nagachi ana!” The businessman assumes that she is complimenting his technique and keeps banging away.

The next day he is playing a round of golf with a few

Japanese business associates. One of the Japs tees off and lands a hole in one. The American, trying to impress his colleagues with his knowledge of Japanese, claps and shouts, “Nagachi ana!”

The Japanese businessman turns to him and says, “What the fuck do you mean, wrong hole?”

A man arrives at the gates of Heaven.

St Peter asks, “Religion?”

The man says, “Church of England.”

St Peter looks down his list, and says, “Okay, go straight ahead to room twenty-four, but be very quiet when you go past room eight.”

Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven. “Religion?”

“Catholic.”

“Okay, go to room eighteen, but be very quiet as you pass room eight.”

A third man arrives at the gates. “Religion?”

“Jewish.”

“Okay. Go to room eleven, but be very quiet when you go past room eight.”

“I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room eight?”

St Peter tells him, “The Jehovah’s Witnesses are in room eight. They think they’re the only ones here.”

Two Jehovah’s Witnesses knock on the door of an elderly lady. She opens the door and they explain who they are and she lets them both inside.

She invites them to take a seat on her sofa and asks if they would like a cup of tea.

“Two teas without would be nice, please,” they reply.

The old lady asks them if they would like a custard cream.

“Oh, yes please, that would be nice,” they reply.

A few minutes later the old lady returns and places the tea and biscuits on the table, sits down and says: “So. What is it that you nice boys want to talk to me about?”

The Jehovah’s look at each other for a while. Then one shrugs his shoulders and says to the old lady: “Buggered if we know, actually. This is the furthest we have ever got.”