The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (99 page)

An Irishman tried to mug an old-aged pensioner. He said, “Give me all your money now, bitch, or you’re geography.” “Don’t you mean history?” she replied. He said, “Don’t try to change the subject.”

Where does an Irish family go on holiday? A different bar.

Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.

Paddy says later: “That was fucking great. I wonder how the girls got on.”

An Irishman pulls alongside a lorry and shouts “Oi, driver! You’re losing your load!”

The lorry driver ignores him. Five miles further along, Paddy again shouts “Oi, you’re losing your load!’ Yet again, the lorry diver ignores him.

Five miles further along, Paddy yells “I’m not joking! Honestly, you are losing your load!”

Finally, the lorry driver pulls up, climbs out of his cab and walks over to Paddy’s window and says: “Fuck off. I’m gritting!”

Two Irishmen were walking along a river bank when they saw a crocodile with a man’s head sticking out of its mouth. One said to the other: “Will you look at that fash fucker with the crocodile skin sleeping bag.”

A very attractive young female speech therapist was working with a group of stammerers, with absolutely no success, despite having tried every technique in the book. Finally, out of desperation, she has an idea. “If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I’ll have wild and passionate sex with you. So, who would like to go frst?”

A number of hands shoot up. She invites an Englishman to start the ball rolling. “B—b—b—b—b—b—b—irmingham,” he volunteers.

“Sorry, Michael,” says the speech therapist, “No sex for you, I’m afraid. Who’s next?”

A Scotsman raises his hand and blurts out, “P—p—p— p—p—p—p—aisley.”

“That’s not much better, Angus. How about you, Seamus?” The Irishman takes a deep breath and eventually blurts out, “London.”

“Brilliant, Paddy!” says the speech therapist, and they retire to an adjacent room to keep her promise. After half an hour of hot, steamy sex, the Irishman comes up for air and says, “. . . d—d—d—d—d—d—d—d—erry.”

An Irish family is sitting in the living rom. The wife turns to the husband and says, “I know, let’s send the kids out to P-L-A-Y so we can fuck.”

How do you get a one-armed Irishman out of a tree? Wave at him.

Did you hear about the Irish family who froze to death outside a theatre in Dublin? They had been queuing for three weeks to see “Closed For The Winter”.

A local radio station in Belfast held a competition. Listeners were invited to suggest words that weren’t in the dictionary, but could still be used in a sentence that would make sense. The winning prize was an all-inclusive two-week holiday in Spain.