The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (205 page)

The
X Factor
judging panel.

Matthew Kelly was backstage at
Stars In Your Eyes
when he saw two contestants in the corner. One was a middle-aged man in a wheelchair, the other was a younger man. Curious to know who they were, Matthew goes over to the duo and introduces himself and asks the older gentleman about his disability.

“My nephew Simon here and I are glaziers,” says the older man. “One day when Simon was up a ladder he slipped and dropped a pane of glass on me and it cut my legs clean off.”

“That’s terrible,” says Matthew. “But it’s tremendous that you’re here to support your nephew nevertheless. So who is he going to be?”

“Oh, I’m not supporting him,” said the older man. “We’re singing together”.

Matthew was baffled. He knew the back-stage make-up crew were good but he couldn’t figure out who these two going to become. Then the older guy put him out of his misery. “Tonight, Matthew, we’re going to be Simon and Half Uncle.”

What do you call Woody Woodpecker if his beak fell off?

Woody Headbanger.

Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?

Because he’s a cunt.

Why can’t Miss Piggy count to seventy?

Because she gets a frog in her throat at sixty-nine.

According to a football commentator on TV recently: “There is nothing more painful than missing out in a place in the FA Cup Final.” Obviously, he has never experienced a paper cut on his bell end.

What’s red and blue with a long string?

A smurf on her period.

I’ve been banned from appearing on
Mastermind
. It turns out that masturbating over Beyoncé Knowles is not a specialist subject.

I was eating an orange the other day when my clever university-educated girlfriend said, “Did you know, nothing rhymes with ‘orange’?”

So I threw the orange at her head and said, “Now your face is swollen red ’cause I just threw an orange at your big fat head. Does that rhyme with ‘orange’, bitch?”

A girl goes into the doctor’s for a check-up. As she removes her bra, the doctor notices a large letter C in red on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” he enquires.

“Oh, my boyfriend went to Cambridge University and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Cambridge sweatshirt, even when we shag,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a check-up. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue O on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, my boyfriend went to Oxford and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we fuck,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a check-up. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green M on her chest. “I don’t suppose by any chance you have a boyfriend at Manchester University?” asks the doctor.

“No,” she replies. “But I have a girlfriend at Warwick. Why do you ask?”

An accountant, a lawyer and a window cleaner were standing side by side using a urinal in the toilets of a pub. The accountant finished, zipped up his trousers and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands clear up to his elbows. By the time he had finished he used at least twenty paper towels. Realizing that the other two men were staring at him, he turned and commented, “I graduated from Edinburgh University and they taught us about good personal hygiene.”