The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (208 page)

To improve his bite.

Why does vegan cheese taste like shit?

Because it hasn’t been tested on mice.

My vegetarian wife and I were in a restaurant recently with friends and, as usual, after she passed on the meat and asked for more potatoes, I was asked the same old question: “So, where does she get her protein?”

I replied, “She swallows.”

Why do vegetarians give good head?

Because they are used to eating nuts.

If God didn’t want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of food?

Mahatma Gandhi, the revered Indian leader, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of bunions on his fleet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. He also endured a strict vegetarian diet, which meant that he suffered from bad breath. In short, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What do vegetarian worms eat?

Linda McCartney.

Paul McCartney’s children are sitting down to a family dinner. Paul comes in with a tear in his eye and says “Kids, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that, tragically, your mother Linda finally lost her fight with cancer last night and died. The good news is . . . sausages for dinner!”

The Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack. It’s called Not Poodle.

I think my uncle was a ventriloquist, He used to put his hand up my bum and tell me not to say anything.

A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He decides to have a little fun.

“Hello my friend! Good looking dog you have there. Mind if I speak to him?”

The Welshman looks up and down and says, “The dog doesn’t talk, tosser!”

The ventriloquist continues: “Hello dog, how’s it going, old friend?”

“Not bad, thanks,” replies the dog.

A look of extreme shock passes across the Welshman’s face.

“Is this Welsh guy your owner?”