The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (37 page)

Father’s Day.

Two chavs race their Vauxhall Novas off a cliff to see who hits the bottom first – who wins?

Society.

A white guy is awaiting his newborn baby in the delivery room. The midwife comes in and hands him a black baby. “Is this yours?” asks the nurse.

“Quite probably,” he replies, “she burns everything.”

A young girl in the maternity ward is just about to go into labour when the midwife asks her if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. “I’m afraid I don’t have a husband,” she replies.

“Okay. Do you have a boyfriend?” asks the midwife.

“No, no boyfriend either.”

“Do you have a partner, then?”

“No, I’m single, I’ll be having my baby on my own.”

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.”

“Well,” replies the girl, “I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live and so I accepted a job in a porno film. The lead man was black.”

“Oh, I see,” says the midwife. “That’s really none of my business and I’m sorry I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.”

“I’m not surprised,” the girl again replies. “You see, the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the midwife repeats, “that’s really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes.”

“Okay,” continues the girl, “there was also a little Chinese man in the movie, and I really had no choice.”

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and gives it a slap on the backside, whereupon the baby starts crying.

The mother says, “Thank Christ for that!”

“What do you mean?” asks the midwife.

“Well,” says the girl, extremely relieved, “I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark.”

A woman goes to her doctor, who confirms that she is pregnant. As this is her first pregnancy, the doctor asks her if she has any questions. “Well, I’m a little bit worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”

“Well, it varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and it is hard to describe pain.”

“Can’t you give me some idea, doctor?” she asks.

He thinks for a while and says, “Okay, try this. Hold your upper lip between your forefinger and thumb and pull it out a little.

“Like this?”

“Yes. Does that hurt?”

“Yes, but only a little.”

“Now pull out a bit more. Does that hurt?

“Yes!”

“Okay. Now stretch it over the top of your head.”

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Jamaican are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. After much pacing up and down, the nurse emerges from the maternity ward and announces that each is the father of a bouncing baby boy.

“Unfortunately there’s just one small problem,” she adds. “Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don’t know which baby belongs to which parent. Would you mind identifying them?” The three men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.

Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. “Yes, this is definitely my baby,” he says confdently.

“Er, excuse me,” says the Jamaican, “but I think it’s obvious that this is my son.”

The Englishman pulls him aside and says, “I see where you’re coming from, mate, but one of these babies is Welsh and I’m not prepared to gamble.”

A man was pacing nervously up and down the waiting room at a maternity ward when he looked up and saw a doctor approaching. The doctor took a deep breath and announced: “You have a baby daughter. There’s nothing wrong, exactly, but your child is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”

The man looked back blankly. “A hermaphrodite? What’s that?” he asked the doctor.

“It means your baby has the features of a male and a female,” the doctor replied.

The man turned pale. “Oh my God! You mean it has a vagina and a brain?”

A Chinese man calls into work and says, “Solly boss, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”

“You know something,” his employer replies, “I really need you in here today. Tell you what, when I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”