The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (35 page)

You can shut the door on a Jehovah’s Witness.

Two old women were driving through town. They came to a set of traffic lights on red, but they just sailed through without stopping. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: “I could have sworn we just went through a red light!”

After a couple more minutes they came to another set of traffic lights on red and sailed through. Again, the old woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red and was getting nervous but said nothing.

At the next set of lights, sure enough, the light was red and they sailed through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Ethel, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Ethel turned to her and said, “Shit . . . am I driving?”

Petrol is so expensive these days, I can’t afford to use my car. In fact, the last time I went dogging, I had to ask my mum to give me a lift.

An elderly man is driving down the M1 when his mobile rings. Answering it, he hears his wife on the other end. “Derek,” she says, “please be careful when you’re driving back. I just heard on the radio that there’s a maniac on the M1 near Luton. He’s driving the wrong way!”

“It’s not just one,” Derek replies. “There’s fucking hundreds of them!”

A sadist, a masochist, a psychopath, a necrophiliac, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

“How about having sex with a cat?” says the zoophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouts the psychopath.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” says the necrophiliac.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” says the pyromaniac.

Everyone turns to the masochist and asked: “So, what’s it going to be?”

The masochist replies, “Miaow.”

When I was a small child my kitten died, so my mum went out and bought an identical replacement, hoping that I wouldn’t realize. But I did. And I killed that one as well.

Curiosity killed the cat, but I was curious to see what it would look like if I hit it with a hammer.

“
Cats have nine lives, which of course makes them perfect for animal experimentation. But I was wondering, does a radioactive cat have eighteen half-lives?
”

A man hates his wife’s cat so much that the next time she is out shopping he secretly drives to the next town and dumps it. He can’t believe his eyes when he gets home and finds the cat sitting outside the front door. A couple of days later his wife goes out shopping again, so he drives fifty miles and dumps the cat on the motorway. When he gets home, to his amazement, the cat is sitting outside the front door. This goes on for a couple of weeks, then one day he drives 200 miles and dumps the cat on the other side of the country. A couple of hours later he rings his wife and asks, “Is the cat home?”

“Yes, why?” asks his wife.

“Put the little bastard on the phone,” he says, “I’m lost.”

What do you do if a kitten spits at you?

Turn the grill down.

How do you make a cat flap?

Throw it off a cliff.

Two female cats are sitting on the fence when a really good-looking tom walks by and winks at them. “Did you see that?” one of the cats says. “I wouldn’t mind sharing a dead mouse with him!”