The Mill House (32 page)

In the end she made herself, and this time after she dialled his number she managed to get through. Dan answered almost immediately, and even before she could say hello he launched into how he'd been just about to call her, so she must have read his mind, which made them telephonic. Hearing Josh correct him in the background she smiled and listened to him chatter on excitedly, telling her all about their plans for the day, how they were going to sail as far as the Isle of Wight, and might even go on to France, or even Jamaica, if they had the right wind.

Laughing softly she said, 'Just make sure you send me a postcard.'

'Oh I will,' he assured her. 'And I'll bring you back a present. And one for Shannon too. Do you

want to speak to Dad now, because my porridge is ready?'

'Yes please,' she answered, and felt a horrible clenching of nerves again as she waited for Dan to pass over the phone.

'Hi darling,' he said, coming onto the line. 'So you were awake early and thinking of me?'

'You got my message.'

'Of course. I was just making Dan's breakfast, then I was going to call back.'

'So who were you talking to all that time?'

'Would you believe, Tim Roper's on another of his benders? He's trying to fire everyone, apparently.'

So he had been on the line to New York, and no she wouldn't believe Tim Roper was on another of his benders, because it was just too damned convenient. 'So I suppose you have to go over there,' she said, feeling such a weariness descend on her that for a moment she wasn't sure she had it in her to object.

'I'm trying to avoid it,' he assured her. 'He hasn't called back in the last twenty minutes, so with any luck that means he's out cold. I'll just have to see what kind of shape he's in when he comes round.'

She took a breath, and opened her eyes wide, trying to stay connected to this, for something strange seemed to be happening inside her head that was making her feel oddly remote. 'You know I want to believe you,' she said, 'but I can't.'

'Darling, it's the truth. Call Marina, she'll tell you ...'

'I don't want to call Marina. I just want this to

be over, Josh.' She stared down at her cup and wondered when she'd ever felt so peculiar inside, or so afraid. 'When did you last speak to Sylvia?' she asked quietly.

He didn't reply and her heart twisted with so much pain that she wanted to die.

'That's who you were talking to all that time, wasn't it?" she said.

'Look, she just needed some advice about her agent...'

"So she called you at two thirty in the morning?' 'She has a breakfast meeting and wanted to talk it through beforehand.'

The room seemed to be spinning now, making her feel faint. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. 'I don't know what to do,' she murmured, realising how close she was to the edge. 'I'm not sure I can take any more.'

'Listen, I swear it's the truth about Tim Roper,' he told her. 'He wants me over there, and he's threatening to fire me too, if I don't go. I could fly out and come back and Sylvia wouldn't even have to know I was there.'

'Josh, please credit me with some intelligence,' she responded, unable to open her eyes.

'For Christ's sake, I didn't ask for this to happen now,' he cried. 'Tim Roper's on his own agenda. It's got nothing to do with me, or Sylvia, or anything else.'

She swallowed hard, and after a couple of deep breaths she finally started to feel a bit steadier. 'If you go, Josh,' she said, then stopped, not entirely sure what she wanted to say 'He's one of my biggest clients, Julia,' he

reminded her. 'You know that. He's not someone I can afford to lose.'

'And what about your wife? Can you afford to lose her?'

Her question fell into such a terrible silence that she could almost feel herself drowning in it. In the end he said, 'Julia, listen ...'

'No, you listen, Josh. I'm not going to threaten you, nor am I going to beg, I'm just going to ask you, if you still love me, please don't go to New York.'

'Of course I still love you,' he said.

'Then tell me you won't go.'

'But...'

'Josh.'

'OK. If that's how it has to be, I won't go.'

'No matter what?'

'No matter what.'

Relief unfurled some of the knots in her head, but they were soon tightening again, for she simply didn't trust him. 'Is that a promise?' she asked.

'Yes. It's a promise.'

She sat very still, hardly connecting with what she was feeling now beyond an overwhelming sense of longing that seemed to go so deep inside her, so far into her very soul that it might have no end. It made her think of her father, and his protective arms, then of Josh and his embrace, but as tears of self-pity came to her eyes she blinked them away.

'Are you OK?' he asked.

'I think so. Tell me this, Josh, do you want her more than you want me?'

'0h God no, of course not,' he groaned, only now seeming to grasp just how afraid she was.

'Don't ever think that. You're the only woman who's ever really mattered to me, and you still are.'

'I wish I could believe you.' 'It's true. Please don't ever doubt how much I love you.'

'How much is that?' she asked. 'Well, let's put it this way, if we weren't already married, I'd ask you to marry me now, because you're the only person in the world I want to spend my life with.'

She couldn't help but smile. 'You know how much I love you too, don't you?' she said.

'I think so, but I'm going to confess there have been times this past year when I haven't always been so sure.' Emotion was locking her throat. 'It hasn't been easy,' he said softly. 'I miss how close we used to be.'

'So do I, but I'm trying with this, Josh. I swear. I want to be myself again, I want us back as we were.'

'That's all I want too,' he told her. 'Nothing else matters. Not Sylvia, nor Roper, nothing, just you.'

After she'd rung off she sat where she was for a while, staring into space as she wondered what to believe, for though he'd sounded sincere at the end, and she'd felt reassured while speaking to him now she was here in silence she was aware of the fear starting to build all over again.

It was the thought of them speaking on the

phone for over an hour, discussing things that mattered, becoming involved in each other's lives that was scaring her so much, and as tears of desperation spilled onto her cheeks she felt herself starting to shake. She knew she should go to bed now, that if she sat here dwelling on it like this she'd only make it worse for herself, but the fact that Sylvia was out there, able to call Josh at any time, and that this Roper story was probably a ruse they'd cooked up to get him to New York, was paralysing her with dread. She had to do something to stop it. She couldn't just let it happen. He was her husband, the man she loved. He didn't belong to Sylvia. She was an intruder, a snake, a scheming bitch who didn't care who she hurt just as long as she got what she wanted. She had no right to come crashing into their marriage like this. She had to be got rid of, and if Josh wasn't doing it, then she must.

It would be almost four in the morning New York time now, but Julia wasn't even close to caring about that, her only concern was how capable she was of doing this while her energy was so depleted. Nevertheless, she pressed Sylvia's mobile number into the phone and waited for the connection.

Sylvia answered on the third ring.

'I know what you're trying to do,' Julia told her, 'and it's not going to work. He doesn't want you ...'

'Julia,' Sylvia came in groggily. 'What a lovely surprise. How are you? I've been meaning to call . ..'

'Spare me the act, you're the last person I want to hear from, and you know it.'

'Gosh, is this some new line you've got going in wake-up calls?' Sylvia quipped.

'Josh was the only man who'd ever resisted you, wasn't he.' Julia raged, 'and you just couldn't stand it. You had to have him, if only to prove to yourself that you could, so the minute you knew I had problems, you struck, like the poisonous, pustulating viper that you are ...'

'Ugh, how horrible you're making me sound,' Sylvia shuddered. 'But really darling, I thought Josh explained, we did it for you ...'

'Don't even go there!' Julia cut in furiously. 'You did it because he was a challenge, because I had something you didn't. He never wanted you ...'

'Oh dear Julia,' Sylvia sighed. 'You're very wrong about that, because the truth is he's wanted me for years, and I'm the one who's been turning him down. I can't say it's been easy, because he's pretty damned irresistible ...' 'You're a liar!'

'If that's what you want to tell yourself, but you still have to accept that it takes two, Julia, and like it or not, Josh wanted me as much as I wanted him - and he still does.'

Julia was finding it hard to think now, as her mind started to clog with fury and fear. 'Just leave us alone, Sylvia,' she gasped. 'Get out of our lives.'

'I'm afraid you'll have to talk to Josh about that, because I don't think that's what he wants.'

'For Christ's sake, what's the matter with you?' Julia cried. 'Why are you doing this? You can have any man ...' 'Now you're flattering me.'

'Sylvia, we go back so many years. I thought we were friends ...'

'We are,' Sylvia assured her. 'Nothing's changed on that front, at least not for me. We're just going to share Josh for a while, that's all.'

The blood was pounding so hard in Julia's head now, she could barely see or think. She knew she had to end this call, to continue it when she was more in control, but she couldn't let her win. 'He's not coming to New York, so you can forget that right now,' she choked.

Sylvia sounded surprised. 'Why, did he say he was?' she said. 'How sweet of him to think of coming all this way, just for me, but we're very good together, so I probably shouldn't be surprised. Frankly, Julia, I don't know how you manage to resist him.'

Julia couldn't take much more. 'Just leave him alone,' she seethed. 'Don't ever go near him again or I'll make you sorrier than you've ever been in your life.'

'Oh really?' Sylvia responded, sounding intrigued. 'Now how would you do that?'

Cursing the fact that she had no real power, Julia clutched at what little she did have and said, 'I know everything there is to know about you, Sylvia. I can destroy your reputation. I can turn you into a social pariah, and believe me, I will if I hear you've even as much as picked up the phone to call him again.'

'But I'm dying to know what you'll actually do,' Sylvia prompted. 'Or do I have to screw him again to find out? It would be my pleasure, of course, and we both know it's going to happen anyway,

though I'm getting the impression that's not what you want. You know, I just can't help wondering how you're going to cope with all this when he becomes my agent.'

Julia fell silent as a dark, deafening drone filled up her ears.

'He did tell you about that, didn't he?' Sylvia was saving. As you know, he's wanted to represent me for years, and ...'

Unable to listen to any more Julia put down the phone, then immediately called Josh.

'What!' he cried when she repeated Sylvia's claim. 'That's absolutely not true. She's lying. The subject hasn't even come up, so I've got no idea why she's saying that.'

Julia started to respond, but all that came out were huge, racking sobs.

'Darling, stop, stop,' Josh soothed. 'It's going to be all right. I swear it. Don't listen to her, because none of it's true.' 'Are you sure?'

'Of course I am. Christ, do you really think I'd take her on as a client now, after what's happened? I'd have to be insane, and I'm not, I'm just madly in love with you and more sorry about the pain I've caused you than you can ever know.'

'I love you so much,' Julia gasped, her voice shredded by tears. 'I shouldn't have made that call now. I feel so dreadful. I've got a hangover, I think I'm coming down with flu ...' 'Where's Shannon?' he said. 'Out riding.'

'Do you want me to come over there? I can pack up here...'

'No, it's OK, Dan's looking forward to today.' But she did want him to come, more than anything in the world she wanted him to be here now.

'Go back to bed,' he said gently. 'Let Shannon take care of you when she comes in, and if I can get a signal I'll call in a couple of hours to find out how you are.'

'OK,' she answered weakly. 'Have you set sail yet, you two?'

'We're just about to.'

She swallowed hard to try and prevent the next question, but in the end she couldn't. 'You won't call her now, will you?' she said.

'No, of course not,' he reassured her. 'I never call her, she always calls me, and I'm going to make sure that stops.'

Feeling slightly pacified, even though she'd heard it before, she told him she loved him again, then finally rang off. This time she forced herself up from the table, and carried the phone back to its base. She'd make no more calls this morning, not even to her sister, because she was feeling so ghastly now that it was going to take every ounce of the energy she had left to climb back up the stairs to bed.