The 'N' Word, Book 1 (8 page)

“I’m glad you brought that up right there!” Trudy pointed at her, her gesture accusing. “I’m not only your cousin; we grew up together like sisters, we’re best friends, and I have to look out for you, Mia. You are
too
damn trusting! Too kind hearted… I’ve seen some of those men on the news…”

“Here we go with this again! Look, Trudy, just because I treat people in a kind, respectable way doesn’t mean I’m a damn pushover. I do that so I can build trust, and people then listen to me. That’s why I’m good at what I do with my students. Screamin’ and yellin’ and carryin’ on builds nothing but resentment. That’s not me. Now, if someone pushes me, causes me to not want to deal with them, that’s a different story, and you of all people should know that.” Trudy’s lips parted to say something else, to add a ‘one more gin’ to the mix—but she thought better of it as she turned away, seemingly needing a moment or two to prepare her rebuttal.

“Okay, I can agree with that, but let’s talk about attraction.”

“Attraction? That has nothing to do with this.”

“It has
everything
to do with it! Some of them are real good lookin’, but they are nothing but trouble, a damn convict. You’re a nice looking lady, Mia, almost prettier than me.”

They both burst out laughing.

“You look like Paula Patton, only about three shades darker and I know those horny ass bastards daydream about getting their filthy claws on you every chance they get. You just make sure you watch yourself in there. Be careful.”

“Trudy, don’t start up again! I am watching my back, being judicious.”

“Being judicious ain’t got nothin’ to do with you minding your own business… and then one of those big bears with a rap sheet longer than Arsenio Hall’s fingers deciding he may as well sexually assault you since he got a life sentence any ol’ damn way! You’re beautiful, soft-spoken, helpful, and look like you couldn’t hurt a damn fly.”

“I’m not helpless, I’m not weak and I’m not stupid!” Mia snapped, growing quite tired of Trudy’s declarations. Had she forgotten the countless fights she’d had in high school due to an awful temper? Had Trudy somehow developed amnesia? The woman had to cool her jets, simmer down as she grew older if she wished to be successful in life.

“I never said you were weak, helpless or stupid! I’m just sayin—”

“I’m thirty-two years old! I can’t act like I did when I was eighteen… flyin’ off the handle, getting crazy because someone looked at me wrong. I spent so much time in the principal’s office, it was tragic—and also a miracle that I wasn’t expelled. My father made sure of that because I deserved more chances. I’ve grown up, Trudy. There is a time and place to show your ass, but I am a professional now… an adult. People depend on me.”

“You need to—”

“Trudy, be quiet!”

“Let me finish! Some of those men ain’t had no pussy in decades,
decades
, Mia! I’ve dated an ex-con before; I
know
how they are when it comes to gettin’ some sex after a long drought.”

“And I need to know this, because…?”

“Just listen and stop bein’ so damn defensive.” She ceased walking once again, forcing Mia to do the same. “You remember Jeremy?”

“Yeah, I remember him.” She sucked her teeth, not at all pleased with the downward spiral the conversation was taking. Trudy never let the hell up.

“Mia, that mothafucka got out of jail and just about killed my pussy, girl. He was going to town, moving like a damn plunger… wouldn’t even let me get up to take a piss, wore my ass out. I called the funeral home and made provisions for my departure, as a just in case. I got a life insurance policy on the pussy, too. I almost couldn’t walk after he turned me loose… He blew.my.damn.back.
out
!”

Mia covered her quivering lips, stifling a laugh. She didn’t want to give it up, as she was still seething at the woman, but damn… that proved a challenge. Her mood eased a bit at Trudy’s silly words.

“I filed for disability and it was granted. They asked what my claim was; I said death by convict dick.”

“Ha!!!” Mia burst out laughing, unable to hold back a second longer. “You uh fool, girl!”

“The pussy was in a damn sling… on bed rest with plenty of hydrocodone. I would have had you sign the coochie cast if I hadn’t been so embarrassed.”

“Trudy, you are a mess! Now come on, stop horsing around. Let’s finish this walk.” She glanced at her cellphone, taking notice of the time. “I need to draft up a bunch of letters for some parent-teacher conferences.” Her brain began to wander as she worked over her TO-DO list in her mind.

The two began to walk again, this time, giggling and laughing a bit as the air around them got lighter.

“I love you, Mia,” Trudy declared, pausing again.

She looked at Trudy for a moment or two, feeling as if something heavy was lying on her cousin’s heart, something she refused to release and let go of just yet. Her tone came across as sullen, depressed, dejected.

“I love you too, Trudy. Are you okay? Something on your mind?” She took the woman’s hand and swung their arms about like they used to do as children—those times when they would run barefoot behind Grandma’s house, chasing frogs and puffing stolen cigars from Grandma’s secret stash that the woman kept in a Ziploc bag placed in a bowl of hard candy. They never stopped getting into all sorts of trouble.

Trudy looked down at the ground then back into her eyes.

“Nothing’s wrong, Mia. I just miss you… I want you to be happy. It seems you haven’t been truly happy since you and Rodney broke up. I came out here to be with you, to be with my best friend. I
need
my best friend, Mia… I need you to be happy, too.”

Mia slid her hand away, taken aback by such words. She glided her fingers against her collarbone as her breath hitched and the moment went from glossy with mirth to dull with hidden despair.

“I, uh…” She shook her head, disappearing into herself for a spell or two. “I’m fine. Really, I am, Trudy. Rodney and I just weren’t compatible; no love lost…” She sighed. “And I’m fine with that. Matter of fact, I’m not interested in getting into anything serious right now. That’s why when you ask me about it, I have nothing to report.”

“You’ve sworn off dating… He hurt you.”

“He didn’t hurt me, Trudy; it really was just that we grew apart. He didn’t cheat, tell a bunch of lies.” Mia looked off into the distance, searching for the right words. “We were just different people is all. He wanted someone that was jazzier I guess… I prefer to chill and relax, get to know people. He’s a good man. He just wasn’t for me.” Trudy nodded in understanding. “But yes, I missed him. It hurt that it had to end. I loved him after all. I’ll be real with you; I don’t want to ever feel that sort of pain again.”

“I knew it…” Trudy shook her head, as if disgusted with the entire conversation.

“That’s why I haven’t been out.” Mia looked away briefly. “But honestly, I loved being in love, Trudy… havin’ someone there, close, warm and endearing. But, I just can’t risk it right now. I’ll know when the time is right, my chance will come again and besides, I’ve got
plenty
to keep me busy.” She began to walk again, her chin held high as she forced a smile, leaving her cousin in the dust. After a few moments, she could hear her cousin racing after her, her bright, neon green Nike sneakers slamming against the pavement from a short distance away. Trudy gently pulled her arm, made her turn to her, look her in the damn eye.

“Mia, okay…okay. But I’m here for you no matter what, alright?”

“Alright. I know that, and I love you for it.”

The woman nodded and patted her back, like an old friend who’d found out about a great loss. Her gesture of affection was unintentionally unnerving. Mia forced her smile to go wider, pushing herself along, playing the role. Yeah, the breakup was the damn pits, but what disturbed her even more was that she had so much love to give, but couldn’t bring herself to trust anyone. She knew it sounded foolish; there was no need to tell Trudy she believed most men weren’t shit, to boot. Besides, that would sound like sour grapes, and she wasn’t in the mood for wine… Her thoughts drifted to her previous relationship, to times she wanted to forget…

Rodney had ideas that didn’t mesh well with mine. We’d been together so long…

It was hard to say goodbye to an old friend. Small tiffs turned into long drawn out painful arguments until they both realized they loved one another, but were no longer
in
love… Nothing seemed to help or remedy the situation.

So now she was having her moment, and was just fine being alone… or so she told herself on a continuous basis. Though sometimes, in the middle of the night, as she clutched her poetry book to her chest and her scented candles burned down the wick, she’d gaze out the open window and whisper inside her crowded mind…

I hate feeling this way…but I just don’t know what else to do…

“
T
HAT’S FOR CRAZY
people. I’m not crazy,” Aaron protested as he leaned back further in his seat and ran his fingers along the glossy walnut finish of the arm of the chair.

“Aaron, seein’ a psychiatrist
isn’t
for crazy people. Now look, Dr. Owens and I had a nice discussion about you and he thinks—”

“Who the hell is Dr. Owens and why are you two talkin’ about me?”

“Now you look here, Aaron Pike, you get that goddamn hump off ya back, ya hear?” He leaned over his desk and jammed his finger in his direction. “Don’t you sit in my office with that high and mighty attitude and act like you are runnin’ shit! That may work on the others, but it sure as hell doesn’t work on
me
and you damn well know it! I’ll knock some sense into you!” The man harshly opened a desk drawer, reached for a cigarette, and lit the damn thing.

Aaron slumped further down into his seat and slowly rolled his eyes as if having the beginning stages of a damn seizure. It took everything in his freaking body to not go the fuck off… but he knew warden Huckleberry wasn’t the one to incite. He may have a cute last name, but he was the wrong bastard to toy with. After all, the man had his fate in his hands.

“Now, you’re going to see Dr. Owens and that’s final.” His eyes constricted as he lazily blew out coils of smoke. “He’s a new psychiatrist we hired… should be better than the program we had previously.”

“And how many times do I have to see this guy?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “That depends on his assessment and what he thinks… and on what
you
do, too. You can do this the easy or the hard way,” He gave the cigarette another inhale. “Makes not a damn bit of difference to me, but best believe, you’re
doing
it. And trust me, I won’t make any excuses or bones about it. I want you
out
of my damn prison, Aaron.”

“Last I checked I wasn’t tryin’ to stay in this son of a bitch!”

“Makes no difference!” The man stabbed his desk with his index finger “You’re in here now. Wherever you go, wherever you look, walk or talk, fires ignite. So either the crazy farm or the grave can be your final goddamn destination, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass… but it
won’t
be at Holman. This program from Dr. Owens will help ensure that when you fuck up again—because we both know you will—you
won’t
be coming back here, damn it. This is your
last
stint under this roof and I suggest you follow the rules and
guarantee
that it is…”