The Naked Pint (6 page)

Now that you’ve got Beer 101 under your belt, it’s time to take what you know out for a spin in the real world. You now know more than probably 80% of the beer-ordering public, and you have the power to get what you want out of your beer experience. Ordering your first real beer can be daunting. Even we were intimidated the first time we ordered a craft beer. We were dry mouthed and tongue tied. We thought, “Hey! We know about fermentation, we know our ales from our lagers. What’s the problem here?” The fact is that even though we knew what we liked, we didn’t know how to communicate it. Communication is a continuing challenge for any relationship, and learning how to ask for what you want from beer can take some practice, but the Universal Law of Attraction and the Secret of Beer is, If you know how to ask for what you want, you just might get it.

We’ve already told you that beer falls into two types: ales and lagers. But it’s not good enough to be this general when asking for beer. Would you go onto
Match.com
and describe the person you’re looking for as brown-haired, with no other descriptors? If you do, every brown-haired freak under the sun is going to think you have extremely low standards and that he or she may finally have a chance. In short, do not go up to the bar and ask simply for an ale or a lager or, worse yet, “something light.”

Ask yourself first what specific flavors you are craving at the moment. We’ve just given you a vocabulary of styles and a few basic flavor descriptors based on beer’s ingredients. Use these to get specific about your desires. You don’t have to order any old beer. If you’re feeling a bit devilish, ask for a spicy, yeasty ale. If you need a palate cleanser, ask for a hoppy, crisp Pale Ale. As with anything, the more specific you get, the more you will specifi cally get what you want. And that is true gratification in life.

Try ordering in progression from the flavor you want the most down to the more nuanced flavors. For example, say you want the complex, bigger flavors and aromatics usually found in an ale. Great. Now decide which type of ale you feel like. Use your flavor descriptors. Do you feel like banana? Pine tree? Coffee? Though you know about some major beer styles, you may not feel comfortable asking for a Porter or Stout yet. If that’s the case, use the vocabulary for cuisine that you already have. Describe your ideal beer, just as you would describe any other food or spice. Always return to flavors: bitter, nutty, tart apple, and so on. In fact, you could simply list off the herbs and spices you have in your kitchen: cinnamon, pepper, cardamom, and sage, and any great beer bartender worth her salt should be able to find a beer with those flavors.

You may already be fairly comfortable using such terms in conjunction with wine: velvety, peppery, leather, jasmine, cherry tones. We know that if we ask for a Cabernet with earthy, musky flavors, we will get something more uniquely suited to our palate. The same is true of beer! Be specific. Try this equation: Ask for a beer using three descriptors: (1) the dominant flavor you crave + (2) a secondary flavor you would like + (3) a beer style. We hope this will = the beer you want. Examples: bitter + chocolaty + Stout; citrusy + grassy + Witbier; dry + sour + Tripel Belgian.

Like sex, specifics are best. And also like sex, you probably know what you really like but are afraid to ask for it. Beer wants to know how hoppy, how bitter, and how spicy you want it. Are hints of pear good? Is the dry, orange-rind finish working for you? Some people are embarrassed about doing the “dirty talk,” so practice in the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and say, “Nutty, chocolaty.” Or try it in your car on the way to work, in traffic: “Sour, spicy.” The more comfortable you get with the words, the more confidence you’ll have the moment the bartender looks at you and says, “What do you want?”

U
nfortunately, people new to the beer world have a reputation for behaving badly in beer bars. From ordering to paying to tipping, some people just don’t seem to know the right way to conduct themselves. Perhaps there’s a disconnect because people feel out of place and are overcompensating. Whatever it is, we are here to put an end to it.

Since neither Emily Post nor
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
have sections on good beer manners, we’ve had to step up and fill in the void for beer bar etiquette. Here’s a guide of do’s and don’ts to help you mind your P’s and Q’s.
Spoiler alert:
Please be aware that after you read this, you’ll no longer be able to say that you didn’t know any better. We’ll be watching.

 

 

ORDERING YOUR BEER