The New Eve (16 page)

Second, a mother who bonds too deeply with her son may breed an overly feminized man. Rather than fight against his mother's control, this son instead wholeheartedly embraces it and lets it rob him of his emerging manhood. For that, he will remain a boy emotionally even as he grows into a man physically. Instead of leading and caring for the women in his life, he will instead look to them to do these things for him—exactly as Mom did. Today America is full of such men. They are soft, passive, noninitiating males who have lost the will to be men because they yielded to moms who loved and cared too much to let them grow up. The wise mother understands that her God-given mandate is to prepare her children for autonomous living. Family relationships are never meant to be broken, but the emotional umbilical cord tying mother and child tightly together has to be cut in this season of life.

Then there's work. If you have been a stay-at-home mom, now might be the time for you to consider reengaging your career either part-time or full-time. With your children stretching toward newfound autonomy, this season provides the opportunity to think beyond childrearing. You've been away from the workplace for a while, and no doubt your first steps will feel tentative and untrained, but courage and diligence can move you forward again. You might think of the Proverbs 31 woman in this context. She certainly cared for her family's needs, but she was also industrious (as you can be) in other spheres as well. In verses 10–27 we read of her daily routine.

An excellent wife, who can find?
      For her worth is far above jewels.

The heart of her husband trusts in her,
      And he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good and not evil
      All the days of her life.

She looks for wool and flax
      And works with her hands in delight.

She is like merchant ships;
      She brings her food from afar.

She rises also while it is still night
      And gives food to her household
      And portions to her maidens.

She considers a field and buys it;
      From her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She girds herself with strength
      And makes her arms strong.

She senses that her gain is good;
      Her lamp does not go out at night.

She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
      And her hands grasp the spindle.

She extends her hand to the poor,
      And she stretches out her hands to the needy.

She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
      For all her household are clothed with scarlet.

She makes coverings for herself;
      Her clothing is fine linen and purple.

Her husband is known in the gates,
      When he sits among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them,
      And supplies belts to the tradesmen.

Strength and dignity are her clothing,
      And she smiles at the future.

She opens her mouth in wisdom,
      And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

She looks well to the ways of her household,
      And does not eat the bread of idleness. (emphasis added)

I have a strong sense that this Proverbs 31 woman is in the season of life we are now addressing: “Married with Young-Adult Children.” And it is here that she is able to pull off a remarkable balance of being wife and mother while adding things like real-estate developer, fashion designer, salesperson, and Kingdom builder into the mix. You have the chance here to spread your wings as well. With your teenagers preparing to leave home or entering college and with growing needs for extra income and retirement savings, stepping back into part-time or full-time work may be a wise move. This might also start the process of crafting a new vision for the vocational aspect of your life.

On the other hand, maybe you have the financial freedom to forgo a career. For you there is the opportunity to consider instead a new and more expanded phase of Kingdom work. Maybe you will volunteer your skills at church, at a school, at a local faith-based agency, or in a ministry on the other side of the world! Yes, you
can
do that. Mentor young women, tutor struggling students, serve on the board of a nonprofit, do charity fund-raising, help plant a new church, develop a Christian drama team, do financial counseling, work in a recovery program, develop and oversee your church's Web site, work with international students, or lead your own ministry organization. It's your life. Make it an adventure!

This is also the time to enjoy life with your husband in new and exciting ways. For example, in this season Sherard and I decided to sell our house and buy another one we could remodel together for life after the kids are gone. We made it
our
project
for us.
We also took several exotic vacations. Only the two of us. With extra time and with your adult children often consumed with their own agendas, the opportunity is there to step out in new and bold ways. So go for it!

An amazing thing happens when the last kid packs up and leaves the house: you and your husband start dating again. You rediscover the movie theaters and restaurants that mysteriously fell off your map decades ago. You sleep in, eat out, stop over, and drive on and on to wherever the scenic road leads. This is a time for marital revitalization. Or at least it should be! With the kids gone, the opportunity is there to forge new goals and plan new adventures together. Don't miss this opportunity, or you will miss each other.

I remember talking with one empty-nester friend of mine who surprised me with the announcement that he had recently purchased a motorcycle. “It's time to ride!” he bellowed. I laughed as I pictured my friend—a quiet, humble physician— morphing into a wild, carefree biker roaring down the highway. Then I asked, “What did your wife think about your buying a motorcycle?” He paused for a moment and then with a boyish grin said, “She bought one too.” Now there's a wise woman. The couple that plays together stays together.

This season is also a time to compose new and exciting individual goals. Really, your career options are wide open now. You can restart your former career and do so with the satisfaction that you've been the mom your children needed. Or you might dare to take up the challenge of an entirely new pursuit. You could try your hand at art, teaching, administration, caregiving, leadership, or even something as bold and meaningful as what Lisa Smith and her husband, Frank, did.

Lisa and Frank had truly arrived. After twenty years of hard work and faithfulness, they had established themselves as pillars in their church, their community, and their workplaces. Best of all, they had succeeded in raising their two sons to follow Christ. As for finances, they had practiced careful stewardship with everything God gave them. Now they were middle-aged and debt free. With a household income well into six figures, they had the freedom to buy the toys they'd always dreamed of—a boat, luxury cars, or a beachside condo—all of these things were real possibilities now that the children were all grown up.

So what did they do? They sold their big house and all their furniture.
All
of it. Time for bigger and better, right? Well, yes. Freshly relieved of all their property, Frank and Lisa drove hundreds of miles north and began seminary, specifically with missions on their minds. After a year of intense preparation, they launched their new careers.

Rather than shuttling off to some corporate hot spot on the coast, they caught a day-long plane ride and took up quarters among the poor in a faraway country I can't mention by name. It's a country that's hostile to all things American. Instead of chatting about stock dividends and fiscal fitness over power lunches with business associates, they chose instead to practice a strange new language in torrid street markets, secret worship services, and ramshackle buses
that roar down narrow dirt streets. As empty nesters, Frank and Lisa have leveraged their newfound freedom to connect a strange part of the world to the love of Christ.
¹

Of course, you don't have to cross oceans to find Kingdom work. You might not even have to leave your home. Kingdom work is everywhere. As an empty nester, you may need to invite an elderly parent into your home, or you might be called on to support parents financially and emotionally, as I did when my mom was alone and ill late in life. Sure, it was hard at times. To serve my mother in this way was both a privilege and a Christian mandate for Sherard and me (1 Tim. 5:4). And when on a cold Easter morning it fell to me to go into her hospital room and inform her that she had inoperable brain cancer, her words were a vindication of our sacrifices for her. She smiled and said, “Robert, I want you to know how good my life has been these last two years with you and Sherard watching out for me. Thank you.”

It's not only elderly parents you can look after and care for in this season of life. Scripture says you are also uniquely positioned to look after the younger women around you who desperately need your wisdom and experience. Titus 2:4–5 exhorts older women to help younger women learn how to live
smart.
“Encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God may not be dishonored.” Every new generation of women needs to hear that. It's a challenging message that's best heard from the lips of older women whose life experiences (both good and bad) confirm such wisdom. In this season of life, you can do that!

Several years after a painful divorce, Shirley James was asked by one of the pastors at our church to mentor a young woman. Shirley was skeptical. “I weighed his request against the amount
of credibility I thought I had, and it seemed I fell short.” But with the encouragement of friends, Shirley took a leap of faith and met a discouraged young woman named Jennifer for lunch.

“We ate and chatted for a while. She told me about her troubled childhood, and I told her about my divorce. As we wrapped up, I felt I needed to be clear about my concerns. I said, ‘Well, now you know my story. My marriage failed, and I've got some wounds. Can you really be interested in taking me on as your mentor?’ Of course, I expected her to say no. I had prepared for it all week. It was the sort of self-rejection I was used to by now. But then to my amazement Jennifer said yes! When I asked her why she would choose me, she said, ‘I feel I can trust you because of your scars. You've been hurt, and you've felt unworthy just like I have, so I know you'll be real with me.’”

Looking back now, Shirley sees that this was when her life really started to turn back in the direction it was always meant to take. “For the first time I began to see that my pain, which I thought was a mark of my failure and uselessness, could actually be used by God to bless others.”

Shirley met with Jennifer weekly, talking through the pain, disappointment, and fear each of them had experienced and finding hope in God's promises and principles. Each time they met, Shirley realized more and more that God was healing both of them in the process. In the years that followed, Shirley had the privilege of giving Jennifer away at her wedding and becoming a grandmother (called Nonie) to Jennifer's little girl, Sophie.

As I write, Shirley's daughters have all grown up to be mature Christian women—women who have learned a lot from their mother. Meanwhile, Shirley is changing lives by actively pursuing other young women who are interested in spiritually intimate, honest relationships. Mentoring is a great way to invest your life and advance God's kingdom.

In this season your family has expanded. And with that expansion you have been given new roles and new responsibilities. There are also new rules to play by.

Some women really struggle here. They have trouble adjusting to the “strangers” their children bring home as mates as well as the new values, new ways of doing things, new schedules, and new identities that come with them. Maybe your daughter has picked up new interests you care little for. Maybe she's going to spend this Christmas with her husband's family and not, as she's always done, with you. Or maybe your son's politics have shifted away from yours. In these situations, it's easy to become the notorious mother-in-law who criticizes, controls, demands, intrudes, violates, and never lets go.

Be careful here. You want to start right and stay right. This is a time for establishing new, healthy boundaries between you and your children's marriages and for building strong, accepting relationships with their spouses. For instance, it blesses a son when
you
reach out to the young woman he's chosen to spend his life with and genuinely embrace her. Best of all is when you present an attitude that says, “How can I support, help, and bless you?” (1 Pet. 3:8–11).

Your grandparent role is vital too. Unfortunately, I never had the opportunity to connect with my grandparents when I was growing up. All but one of them had died by the time I was old enough to be aware of them, and the surviving one, Granny, was a bedridden invalid. So I missed out on experiencing the powerful role my grandparents could play.