The New Male Sexuality (11 page)

Kissing and hugging followed by rubbing your bodies and pelvises together while clothed (called “dry humping” when I was growing up). You can do this in elevators, stairwells, up against walls, in parked cars, and so forth.

Dirty dancing, which is dry humping on a dance floor. Want a hint? Each of you puts one leg between your partner’s legs, and you take it from there.

Petting, kissing, and fondling breasts and genitals while clothed or partially clothed. Petting and dry humping remind many adults of the sexual activity they engaged in during adolescence, when that’s all they could do. Many adults feel deliciously wicked when doing these things now.

Kissing and hugging followed by one of you stimulating the other by hand.

Kissing and hugging followed by one of you stimulating the other orally.

One of you stimulating the other by hand or mouth without any kissing or hugging.

“My partner and I often do oral and manual stimulation as part of foreplay. But it would seem strange for one or both of them to be the main course.”
The strangeness comes from your idea of what “real” sex is. But that idea can change. Why can’t manual or oral stimulation, as well as some other items, be the main course sometimes? You might find you enjoy a more varied menu.

“It seems unequal if I’m getting all the pleasure or if she’s getting all the pleasure.”
But who said that you have to be equally excited or derive equal pleasure? It is often the case, even in intercourse, that one partner is more excited and gets more out of it than the other. What’s wrong with your getting most of the goodies sometimes? What’s wrong with her getting most of the goodies at other times?

“Your-turn, my-turn kind of sex seems so artificial and unnatural.”
The traditional model of sex is a reciprocal one: while she’s kissing your neck or touching your penis, you’re kissing her neck, fondling her breasts, or touching her clitoris, and then you both participate in intercourse. But who says it has to be this way? Suppose she does all the “work” while you just sit or lie back and enjoy? Can’t that also be a loving or passionate or caring experience?

The main problem with the reciprocal model is that your attention is always split. One moment you’re focusing on the stimulation you’re getting, the next moment on the stimulation you’re giving. This has its benefits, of course, but because of the split attention, you’re never able to focus on your own pleasure for long.

The main advantage of the taking-turns kind of sex is that the receiver can just receive, focusing only on pleasure, without also being concerned about giving anything in return. This allows a total concentration on sensations and feelings that often results in a powerful experience.

You masturbating while your partner holds and touches you.

“Masturbation is something I do myself. I don’t see it as something to do with a partner.”
Of course. A lot of people see masturbation as something they do themselves, not with a partner. That’s part of our traditional model. In partner sex, you touch your partner and she touches you, but no one touches himself or herself. But why not? Why can’t touching yourself be part of what you do with a partner? Masturbating with some kind of partner participation is just another way of having good sex.

Many men say their most intense orgasms come through masturbation. The reason is simple: No one knows or can know your body as well as you do. I realize that intense orgasms are not the only reason to have sex. There are many other rewards as well. But what’s wrong with masturbating with partner involvement and giving yourself an incredible climax?

“The idea sounds fine, but I’m shy about touching myself with her watching.”
Many men (and women as well) feel shy at first about touching themselves while their partner watches. Fortunately, all it takes is the courage to do it once or twice. The shyness and embarrassment usually evaporate quickly. By the way, most women like watching their partners masturbate; it’s a turn-on. As one woman put it: “I enjoy it because I love to see a man doing something loving for himself.”

You masturbating while your partner tells you an exciting fantasy, perhaps over the phone.

Your partner masturbating with her hand or a vibrator while you hold and touch her.

Your partner masturbating while you tell her an interesting fantasy, perhaps over the phone.

One of you orally or manually stimulating the other one, who is talking on the phone with someone else. The third party, the one on the other end of the telephone line, does not know what is going on. It can add to the excitement if the third party is someone in authority: a parent, teacher, coach, or employer.