The New Male Sexuality (49 page)

I’m the guy all girls’ parents warn them against. I know someday I’ll get married, have children, and be faithful. But what I want now is sex with every attractive woman I meet. I just want to get my fill and move on. It’s fun and it’s also an ego thing. My problem is that I’ve met only a few women who feel the same. Most of them want some kind of relationship, some hope for the future. I don’t like to hurt them, but the situation is set up so that someone has to lose. If I’m honest, I won’t get as much sex as I want. If I pretend I’m more interested in a relationship than I really am and then disappear, she gets hurt. I wish there was a way to be honest and still get what I want.—
Man, 33

While I was married, I didn’t think much about the singles world. It seemed like it was on another planet. Now that I’m divorced, I feel like a babe in the woods. Women are much more sophisticated than they used to be. They talk about sex easily and all of them come off as experts in oral sex and anal sex—who would have imagined!—and five hundred positions of intercourse. And I’m so scared of AIDS and all the other bugs that I’m not sure I really want sex.—
Man, 46

In some ways, the dating scene has changed dramatically in recent years. There are new ways of meeting Ms. or Mr. Right. Singles organizations, dating services complete with videos and other high-tech accoutrements, and personal ads have become popular alternatives or supplements to the old ways.

Since the sexual revolution, there’s also a new attitude about sex. It is no longer the let’s-do-it-even-though-we-don’t-know-each-other’s-name-yet notion of the 1960s and ‘70s, but there is a strong sense of entitlement about sexual activity and pleasure. The vast majority of dating men and women expect sex to be part of their activity within a few dates. The sense of freedom and entitlement about sex, however, has now been complemented by a new sense of fear about it. We’re finally getting the message
that sex isn’t risk free. There’s also a feeling among many people, men as well as women, that sex ought to make sense, that it ought to fit into one’s life and values in a reasonable and positive way. What that way is, however, isn’t always easy to determine and is bound to be different for different people.

It’s now far more acceptable for dating couples to talk about sex before having it, especially about protection against disease and pregnancy. It’s not that everyone is doing it, or even a majority of couples, only that it’s no longer unusual. It’s also more acceptable than, say fifteen years ago, for dating couples to put off getting into sex for a time. No longer do you have to have sex by the third or fourth date to feel okay about yourself. I see all these trends as positive and hope they continue.

There are changes in our views not only of sex, but also of relationships. There is a kind of wariness about getting involved that didn’t exist a generation or so ago. More and more young men (and women) come from homes where it was apparent that their parents’ marriages, whether or not they ended in divorce, left a great deal to be desired. And there are large numbers of men (and women) dating who themselves have suffered through unhappy marriages and divorce. Although surveys indicate that most men and women do want to commit themselves to a relationship, and although the marriage statistics clearly indicate that the institution of marriage is flourishing, there exists a kind of jadedness and caution that is new.

Despite the changes regarding how and where to meet people and the new concerns about sex and relationships, there is a great deal of continuity. Males and females still dream of finding Ms. or Mr. Right; they still wonder where to meet that special person and if they can offer enough to attract and keep him or her; and, sexual revolution or not, they still wonder when to get sexual and what that means.

THE IDEA OF GRADUAL INVOLVEMENT, OR TAKING IT SLOWLY

There’s no question that a great many problems that plague daters result from rushing into things and not taking the time to reflect on how you feel and what you want. A simple example is when you ask out a woman you’ve never met and don’t know (you’ve gotten her name from a friend) for an extended date, say for Saturday night or an all-day outing. If the two of you don’t hit it off, you’re both going to be miserable. There’s all that
time looming in front of you, and you don’t want to be there. This is also a convenient and destructive way of getting into sex. You don’t know what to do with all that time available, so you resort to something you’re comfortable with, your sexual routine. The problem is that you’re likely to feel worse afterward rather than better.

The whole process of dating can and should be one in which you take your time getting to know someone, reflecting after each encounter what you feel about her and what you want from her. This allows you to stay within your zone of comfort and to make the best choices for yourself. I know it doesn’t sound half as romantic as love or lust at first sight, but it makes a lot more sense for people who’ve gotten beyond letting their eyes, hearts, or penises run their lives. By the way, what I’m saying is relevant not only if you’re looking for your one and only, but even when you’re just looking for someone to spend a few nights with.

I’ve been a voyeur at the many professional conferences I’ve attended over the years, taking a lively interest in who shacks up with whom and with what results. One thing that’s always amazed me is how often a man hits on a woman, makes an immediate decision to spend the night with her if he can, succeeds in his quest, and then can’t stand the sight of her the next day, nor she of him.

I’m not a prude and I have nothing against a night or two of pleasure with someone new, provided you both understand what the rules are. But if you feel like hell when you wake up next to her the following morning and wish you were elsewhere, what’s the point? It’s better, I think, to put a little more time and effort into getting to know her before getting into bed.

I very much like the idea of “coffee dates,” or gradual involvement, which is just a structured way of taking your time. At a conference or on a vacation, this means only that even if you are smitten by a woman, don’t try to rush her into bed or let her rush you. Better just to have a cup of coffee together, a meal, or a walk, then separate for a while so you can consider how you feel about her. If all the thoughts and feelings are good, then by all means arrange to see her again. But then back off once again for reflection.

A first date should be time-limited, no more than an hour or two
. If you like her, it will be easy to arrange a longer get-together for the next time. If the two of you don’t hit it off, you haven’t lost much and you don’t have to worry about how to fill up endless hours.

Needless to say, the gradual-involvement idea implies that you should take your time becoming sexual with a new partner. As I hope will become
clear in the rest of this chapter, there’s a great deal to be gained from this approach and almost nothing to lose.

THE QUESTION OF HONESTY IN DATING

A huge problem in the singles life is that many people get hurt because of different expectations about what being together or having sex means. Men often feel that they have to lie to get sex. They think they can’t simply say, “You turn me on and I’d like to spend the night with you.” So they have to concoct stories about wanting a relationship even when they don’t.

It can help to realize that not every woman is looking for a big-time relationship. There are many women who would be happy to spend a weekend or a week with you without any promises of more to come.

If you’re honest about your desires, you will certainly be rejected some of the time. Some women you’re interested in will not have sex with you if that’s all you want. But you’ll also get what you want some of the time and you won’t have to feel bad afterward. I suggest honesty.

If you’re at a conference or at Club Med and you only want company for the night or week, why not say so? “I get lonely at these meetings. It’s much nicer if I can find someone to spend my free time with.” Or, “I’m just taking a week to get away from it all. And I’m looking for someone who wants to enjoy the time with me.”

The same kind of honesty can be used in more common dating situations. If you’re not looking for a big-time relationship but want some company, why not just say so? “I’ve only been divorced six months and that whole business has taken a lot out of me. I’m not ready to settle down again, but I enjoy company and want to have a good time.” Suppose she asks if you think you’ll ever want to get married again. An honest answer might be: “I really don’t know. It’s going to take me some time to sort out the whole business about love and marriage.”

HONESTY AND SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES (STDs)

What to do and say about STDs is a big issue. If you know you’re disease free, you might want to find out if she is. If you know you’ve got something, what are you going to do about that?

Surveys show that many men, and women as well, don’t tell new partners about their diseases and don’t do anything to prevent infection. For
what it’s worth, I think this is immoral, immature, irresponsible, and probably illegal as well. How would you feel if you had sex with a woman and it turned out that you had contracted herpes, genital warts, or some other disease from her? I’ll bet you’d be furious, and you’d have every right to be. So how do you think she’d feel if the tables were turned and she got something from you?

I think partners owe it to themselves and each other to (1) use condoms and spermicide every single time they have intercourse and (2) be completely honest about any diseases they have. This is simply basic human decency.

Once again, of course, rejection rears its head. Yes, it’s true that if you tell a new friend you have a disease, she may not want to have sex with you even with a condom or even though you know that you’re not infectious right now. That’s just the way it is. It’s her right to make the decision, just as it’s your right to decide what you want to do if she has a disease.

“But why do I have to tell her I have herpes or genital warts, or whatever? Wearing a condom will protect her.”

But condoms are not 100 percent effective. Nothing is. Even with a condom, she might get what you’ve got. She’s the one who needs to make the decision, not you. By not giving her the relevant information, you’re robbing her of a basic human right, the right of informed consent.

If you have something to tell your friend, just tell her. There is no best time, place, or method, which is another way of saying that any time (before sex), place, or way is acceptable. Here is an example: “This is difficult, but there’s something I need to tell you before we go away for the weekend. I have genital herpes. It’s not active now and I wouldn’t have sex when it was, and I always use a condom, but I wanted you to know.”

What about the situation where you’re disease free but want to know about her? This can be a bit difficult, too, and I disagree with a lot of the advice from experts in recent years regarding this question. Many of them suggest interrogating your about-to-be sex partner. I have nothing against asking, but I’m convinced that you can’t have total faith in the answers. First of all, some people will say they’re disease free when they’re not. Second, some people aren’t aware they have a disease. So even if she tells the truth as she knows it, it may not be accurate.

Feel free to ask if you want, but use protection in any case. Condoms aren’t perfect, but they’re a lot better than nothing. Condoms used with generous amounts of spermicide aren’t perfect either, but they are even safer than condoms without spermicide.

Speaking of condoms, you should consider in detail ahead of time exactly how you’re going to get a condom into the act. How are you going to bring up the subject, what are you going to say, and what are you going to do? Working out a routine and rehearsing it a number of times in your mind will help ensure that you actually do what you want to do. Having condoms available in a number of places will also help. You can always carry some in a shirt or jacket pocket (but
not
in a wallet or glove compartment, please, because the heat there can weaken latex), and have a few in your usual place for lovemaking, say a bedside nightstand.

Suppose you’re asked how many women you’ve had sex with.
A recent survey indicates that some men and women lie by underreporting. Women feel pressured to do this because they fear being thought loose. And these days some men feel pressured to underreport for the same reason and also because a large number of partners implies the possibility of disease.

So what to do? Here again I believe honesty is the best policy. There’s little point to pretending to be someone you’re not, because sooner or later your friend is probably going to find out who you really are. If she isn’t going to like that person, it’s best to find out as soon as possible. And it doesn’t help the development of trust, a crucial component in any decent relationship, when people start lying to each other.

DON’T SAY YOU’LL CALL HER IF YOU AREN’T SURE YOU WILL

Speaking of honesty, women are confused and enraged by men who say they’ll call and don’t. My understanding of the man’s position is this: He’s either sure he will call (or won’t call), or he’s not sure. If he thinks he will, he’s just being honest. If he’s not sure or knows he won’t, he’s using the promise that he’ll call as a solution to a potentially unpleasant situation. He doesn’t quite know how to say goodbye or good night. “I’ll call you” offers an easy way out.

The problem arises when she wants you to call and takes your promise seriously. She’s looking forward to hearing from you and seeing you again. When you don’t call, she feels disappointed and upset, and then angry: “Why did he lie to me?”

Once again, I believe some kind of honesty is a better policy. I don’t think it’s necessary to say anything unkind or to get into a hassle. At the
very least, though, if you’re not positive you’re going to call her, don’t say you will. If you don’t promise to call and then you do, that might be a nice surprise for her.