The New Male Sexuality (12 page)

Each of you masturbating while you lie side by side or facing one another (so you can see each other’s faces).

During any sexual activity, change what you do with your eyes. If you usually keep them closed, open them. If you usually have them open, close them. Experience the difference.

Your partner uses a finger or two to massage your perineum (the area between the scrotum and the anus) or anus, or inserts a well-lubricated finger into your anus during any other sexual activity. Although as children we were all warned away from the anal area, it is richly endowed with nerve endings and a source of great erotic pleasure to many men (and women).

Your partner stimulating your soft penis with her hand or mouth.

I hope it goes without saying by now that all of the above acts can be enjoyed with or without orgasm. Too many people don’t enjoy sex because they’re so focused on the Big O that’s supposed to happen and then get upset when it doesn’t. Orgasms are nice and I’m all for them, but you can have lots of pleasure without them.

Remember, as long as you feel good about yourself, good about your partner, and good about what you’re doing or have done, that’s good sex.

EXPRESSING DIFFERENT FEELINGS IN SEX

So far we’ve been talking about options involving different activities. But there is also another kind of option having to do with the main feeling that’s expressed in sex. Sexual activity with a partner can be a fine way to express a number of feelings. These days, it seems that the main goal of both women and men in this regard is to connect deeply to another person
we care about. And there are times when a couple really makes love. What they do is a reflection of the deep feelings they have for each other, and the result is an openness and bonding that lasts for hours or days, regardless of what they actually did sexually. Individual boundaries may diminish or disappear, and it really feels like a unity or oneness, as if two people have merged. You can’t plan for this kind of sex and you can’t make it happen. But if you really care about one another and are open to yourself and each other, sometimes it just happens. And when it does, it makes everything right, like the sun suddenly appearing on a dark and rainy day.

But good sex can be far more than an expression of loving feelings. In the old days, women complained that men were rough and quick; apparently the main feelings the men expressed were their own lust and desire for gratification. But men have changed, as have women, and now a frequent complaint is that men are too timid, too careful, too unassertive and unpassionate. My experiences working with men tend to support this idea. Many men are really hanging back in sex.

There’s nothing wrong with expressing love and caring through sex; it’s a great vehicle for showing these feelings. But there’s also nothing wrong with expressing lust in sex, or fun, or other feelings. If sex is a vehicle for only one kind of feeling, you’ll be limited in the amount of sex you have—you can be sexual only when, say, you feel loving or only when you feel lustful. Also, expressing only one kind of feeling in sex can lead to boredom.

Many couples differentiate between at least two kinds of sex: making love (gentle, concerned with expressing romance, caring, and love) and fucking (more passionate and expressing only desire).

Too much sensitivity can inhibit passion. Writer Myron Brenton relates the story of Allan, a law student in love with his partner, Marie. He was always soft and gentle, holding himself back in sex for fear of hurting her. While on vacation, he met a seductive, teasing woman who finally managed to get him in bed with her. Not caring much about her, and feeling angry toward her, he thrusted hard and vigorously when they had intercourse. He expected to be criticized for this and was surprised when she said it was terrific. When Allan returned to school, he decided to try this kind of sex with Marie, even though he feared she might not like it. Her reaction was to ask why they hadn’t always made love like this.

Passion and love are far from all the emotions that can be expressed. Good sex can also be playful, fun, and even silly. For the most part we’re talking about differences in perspective and feeling rather than different activities. You may do the same things while making love, being playful,
or fucking. But you do them with a different attitude and spirit. A long-married woman told me that one of the aspects of sex with her husband that she most appreciates is the silliness:

After all, the whole thing—the positions and all—is pretty ridiculous to begin with. It sometimes reminds me of being a child and engaging in explorations of my own and friend’s bodies. I feel so secure with my husband that I can let that little girl’s silly side come out. It’s great fun.

Some couples sometimes revert to baby talk during sex; some enjoy teasing and being teased.

One of the most memorable experiences I had wouldn’t even fit most people’s definition of sex. My girlfriend and I were in bed one afternoon. Just as she was guiding my penis into her, she came out with phrases she had gotten from a book of pornography she had looked at earlier that day: “Stick that huge, hard cock into my hot and juicy pussy. I want to feel all twelve inches of you, filling me up, fucking and thrusting as hard as you want, spilling gobs of seed into me.” We both broke up into gales of laughter, and I fell off of her. We laughed and laughed for what seemed like hours. Every time we tried to talk, we started laughing again. There was no intercourse, no other sexual activity, and no orgasm for either of us. But it was an incredibly wonderful experience that I recall vividly and lovingly over twenty years later.

Sex can also be a great tension reliever. We have all sorts of nostrums for reducing stress—everything from physical exercise to meditation to various drugs—but sex is one of nature’s best ways to feel relaxed. I know a man who usually gets tense before he has to give a public talk. He’s tried beta-blockers and other pills, relaxation tapes, and other remedies, but the one that works the best, with no side effects, is an orgasm produced by his partner’s hand or mouth. How does she feel about it? “Absolutely fine. I’m happy to be able to do this for him. And he reciprocates when I need it, usually when I have trouble falling asleep.” Of course, this won’t work if your anxiety is about sex itself. But for stress related to work and other matters, it’s often quite useful.

Although some people have trouble with this one, I also believe it’s fine to express anger through sex—provided, of course, that this doesn’t happen
all the time, that it’s okay with both partners, and that the anger doesn’t turn to violence. Physiologically, anger and sexual arousal are quite similar. Both excite the nervous system. While it’s true that some people can’t even think about sex when they’re angry, let alone do something about it, others find that anger—regardless of its source—can serve to heighten the sexual experience. Recall that anger at his new partner was partly what caused Allan, the law student mentioned on
this page
, to let go and find a new way of being sexual. This isn’t unusual. Some couples report that their best sex occurs in the midst of an argument.

Anger is a strong emotion and should be treated with caution. Nonetheless, anger is a fact of life, and it can be used to enhance one’s sex life.

The most important thing about expressing different feelings is that the partners have to agree on what they’re doing. It can lead to confusion, frustration, and other negative feelings if one partner is fucking while the other is trying to make love, or if one wants a stress reliever or sleeping potion while the other has something else in mind. Clear communication is a must.

I hope you’ll go over the ideas in this chapter and share them, or at least the ideas that appeal to you, with your partner. While I certainly haven’t covered all the possibilities, I hope I’ve made you aware that sex isn’t any one thing and isn’t confined to any one script or routine. With skin all over our bodies, with hands, mouths, breasts, penises (hard or soft), clitorides, vaginas (wet or dry), and anuses, and with incredibly powerful and creative minds to work with and lots of different emotions that we can experience, we have lots and lots of possibilities.

Of course, there’s no rule that you have to like all the options. Some may not appeal to you, and some may not appeal to your partner. But I hope that at least a few of them will sound attractive enough to both of you to warrant a bit of experimentation. You’ll have more sex and better sex if you’re open to a number of possibilities.

CHAPTER FOUR

What Is This Thing
Called a Penis?