The New Male Sexuality (61 page)

Start with a very slow pace. Make sure you’re comfortable with it before increasing movement. Then go a little faster. When that feels fine, with no danger of losing control, increase it again. Don’t forget to take some deep breaths before increasing the pace
.

Continue with this step until the active one is moving at a pretty good pace but not all out, say about 80 percent of abandoned movement. This will probably not be achieved in one fifteen-minute session. Use as many sessions as you need. Then do Step B
.

Step B:
The same as Step
A,
with the other one moving. This may well require a different position
.

Step C:
The same as the two previous steps, except both of you move. Start with very slow movements and only increase the pace as you feel comfortable and in control. Use as many sessions as required until you are both moving as fast as you desire
.

P
OSSIBLE
P
ROBLEM WITH
A
NY OF THE
S
TEPS

You lose control when the movements get faster. This means you are speeding up too much or before you’re fully comfortable with a slower pace. Go slower and make sure you’re fully comfortable and totally in control before picking up the tempo, and pick it up only slightly. Take your time and some deep breaths
.

Now you are ready to experiment with intercourse positions different from the one you’ve been using.

EXERCISE 20-10: DIFFERENT INTERCOURSE POSITIONS

Agree with your partner on which new position to try—for example, man or woman on top, side by side, or rear entry. Your control will almost certainly not be as good in the new position as it was in the old until you have more experience with it. Use the pattern you’re now used to: Start with only one of you moving very slowly. Gradually increase the pace. Then let the other one move, gradually picking up the tempo as you’re comfortable. Then both of you move. Keep in mind that you’ll need a number of sessions to feel in good control in each new position
.

For many men, no further exercises will be needed. Their control has significantly improved. They and their partners are enjoying sex a lot more and perhaps having more of it as well. But for other couples, there’s still a problem.

CONTROL IS GOOD, BUT NOT WHEN SHE MOVES WITH ABANDON IN INTERCOURSE

In couples where the woman is capable of vaginal orgasms, it sometimes happens that the man’s improved control does not extend to when the partner moves with abandon in intercourse, that is, when she starts her drive toward orgasm. These men tend to focus too much on their partner’s arousal, and it’s as if they get sucked into it. Her arousal becomes his arousal. At first reading, this may sound fine: Her excitement fuels his excitement, and they reach orgasm at the same time. Obviously, there would be no problem if that is what happened. And it does work that way for some couples.

For others, however, what happens is not so pleasing. To make up some numbers, let’s say she needs to move forcefully for twenty seconds to reach orgasm. But he either gets very excited by her excitement or gets nervous for fear of not lasting long enough, and he comes ten seconds after she starts her drive to orgasm. If he can’t continue thrusting or allow her to continue for another ten seconds, she doesn’t have an orgasm. (It’s no problem, of course, if he can continue thrusting for a few seconds after his orgasm, until she has hers). She gets frustrated because she was so close. This may feel even worse to the woman than the old situation, where he
came before she was anywhere near orgasm. Now she’s so close but still can’t get there.

One option is to experiment with positions and movements that are more arousing to her than to you. It may be that circular movements of your pelvis or any kind of movement that pushes your pelvis against hers may help her reach orgasm without pushing you over the edge before you want.

Another possibility is simply an extension of
Exercise 20-9
. That is, in any intercourse position the two of you like, she gradually increases the speed and forcefulness of her movements, always stopping when you feel you are getting too aroused. She, of course, may have to simulate driving toward orgasm. It is important that you use whatever methods have proven successful to calm your excitement—for example, deep breaths (or as deep as possible under the circumstances) or repeating a slogan to yourself such as “Her excitement is not my excitement, her passion is not my passion, I have to do my own thing.” You don’t need all these words, but I threw them in so you can get the message. Feel free to use whatever words work for you. After stopping and feeling more relaxed, have her resume her movements. If you do this exercise a number of times—sometimes twenty to thirty repetitions are needed—you should substantially change the threshold of your ejaculations. After you feel comfortable with this in one position, start again with another.

If you’ve done the exercises given, by now you have attained good control and are enjoying a more confident, relaxed, and more satisfying sex life.

You will undoubtedly have noticed that results come gradually and that it takes a while for the training to sink in and become automatic. Your learning will continue for many months. All you need do to facilitate the process is to stay aware of your arousal/tension and take deep breaths and make other adjustments as needed.

Follow these guidelines whenever you have intercourse. They have been part of the exercises you’ve already done. Enter your partner slowly; don’t rush it. When you are fully inside her, be still for a moment or two and just savor the feelings. When you’re ready to move, start slow and easy and only gradually build your way up to more abandoned movement. Following these rules will counter the tendency to move too quickly and come too quickly.

Remember that there is absolutely no way to avoid losing control some of the time. Whether because you haven’t had sex for a long time, are extremely excited, are tense or angry, or maybe for some other reason, quick
ejaculations will occasionally occur. As time goes on, they will decrease in frequency, but they will probably never disappear. This is simply part of normal male functioning. There is nothing you can do about it, and there’s no reason for concern.

When you do come quickly, don’t fight it. Let it happen, and enjoy it. There’s no need for apology. And there’s no need to think that all your training has been in vain. It hasn’t. Just go a bit more slowly the next time, stay focused, and make your adjustments a little earlier than usual.

Keep in mind the effects of tension. Anything that tenses you up or gets you upset—whether trouble at work, conflict at home, money problems, or anything else—will tend to have a negative effect on your control. So be especially aware and careful during tense times. Anything you can do to alleviate the tension will be very helpful.

If you notice yourself slipping back into your old, quick ways, take some time, both alone and with your partner, to determine what’s the cause. A brief refresher course with the relevant exercises in this chapter can be helpful. Couples who don’t have intercourse during the woman’s period find this a good time to practice manual and oral stimulation.

Now that you have better control, please don’t assume that every sex act has to last a long time. Exercise your control when and as often as you want, but remember that good sex is not determined by the clock. You can make great love in two hours, in twenty minutes, and even in twenty seconds. The key is not how long it took but how good you both feel about yourselves, each other, and what you did.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Resolving Erection Problems:
Medical Options

You want to know how I feel, I’ll tell you. I feel like an absolute nothing. I know I can satisfy her in other ways and I do, but that’s not the point. I feel like shit, like the center has been taken out of me.—
Man, 51

I’m the one who feels impotent. I feel unattractive and undesirable because I can’t arouse the man I love. If this isn’t fixed soon, I’m the one who’s going to need pills … maybe Prozac.—
Woman, 55

I feel like a new man, better than I have in years. Being able to function again sexually has given me a new outlook on life and made my marriage 100 percent better.—
Man, 46

If you have complaints about erections, you belong to a very large group of men.
It is estimated that twenty million to thirty million Americans suffer from some kind of erection difficulty. Although erection difficulties are found at all ages, they become more common with age. A recent study found that 52 percent of men between the ages of forty and seventy had some degree of erection problem. Knowing these statistics won’t fix your problem, but you may feel better knowing you have lots of company.

While any problem with sex is upsetting to a man, nothing generates as much concern, anxiety, shame, and even terror as an inability to get or maintain erections. Nothing except the loss of his job can make a man feel less of a man. The primary meaning of
impotence
, the term traditionally applied to erection difficulties, is “a lack of power, strength and vigor”—the negation of all that we consider masculine. Men have been taught to tie their self-respect to the upward mobility of their penises, and when their penises do not rise to the occasion, they no longer feel like men.

A man in therapy said it like this: “I’ve never felt like this before. I just don’t feel like a whole person, and certainly not like a man.” Other men have used terms such as “useless,” “hopeless,” “fraud,” “lost my manhood,” and “can’t cut it anymore” to describe how they felt when their penises weren’t functioning.

Women are often baffled by the agony a man goes through when he fails to get or keep an erection, but they have no parallel experience with which to compare it. A woman can participate in intercourse or any other sexual act without being aroused or even interested. If she does not lubricate sufficiently, artificial lubrication can be brought to the rescue. She may not have an orgasm, of course, but at least she can go through with the act and give her partner pleasure. A man is in a more difficult situation. Because of the incorrect belief that sex demands a rigid penis, he feels that nothing can rescue him. His “failure” is obvious, dangling in full view. There is no way to fake an erection, and it is difficult (though not impossible) to have intercourse without at least a partial erection.

His partner may be sympathetic and supportive, but he may be so consumed with self-loathing that he can’t accept what she offers. Many men distance themselves from their partners after such “failures” and engage in orgies of self-flagellation. The result is usually a miserable time for all concerned.

Over time erection problems typically bring about a horrible equality of feelings for the man and his partner. She feels as powerless to remedy the situation as he does and often blames herself, thinking she’s not attractive or skillful enough to arouse him. She starts feeling unattractive, undesirable, and unloved. The way out of this mess is for the partners to turn toward each other: to talk about what’s going on, to understand and empathize with what the other is going through, and to look together for a solution. But often the partners turn away from one another, alternately blaming themselves and the other. This, of course, tends to make the situation worse instead of better.

Given all the feelings men with erection problems have, clear thinking becomes difficult. Yet such thinking is exactly what’s necessary, because you have to make some decisions about how to deal with your situation. It may help you to feel better to realize that
given the various treatment options available, there is almost certainly a solution for you
. You can further improve your state of mind by using the material in
Chapter 19
to focus on your virtues as a lover and a human being and by reminding yourself that you are still a worthwhile man regardless of how your penis has been acting.