The New Male Sexuality (56 page)

Saying to yourself, “I know this program will work and I’ll have longer-lasting (or firmer or more frequent) erections.”

Saying to yourself, “Next time Sue and I have sex, I’m going to focus on the pleasurable sensations and have a grand time.”

Imagining yourself experiencing the problem you have (say losing your erection in intercourse), but feeling calm about it, hugging or pleasuring your partner, getting aroused again, and getting more sexual stimulation. This is an extremely important image, because the better you feel about setbacks and difficulties, the more easily your problem will be resolved
.

Recalling an experience where you didn’t have the problem that’s now bothering you. For instance, if you’re losing your erection before intercourse, recall in detail a time when you kept your erection and had great intercourse; as you imagine that time, tell yourself, “It will be like that again.”

Best of all is to combine an image or fantasy with a statement that reinforces it, as in the last example. Imagining yourself having long-lasting sex and telling yourself at the same time or afterward that “I will learn to last longer” is another example
.

There is a group of men, a much larger group than many people would think, who are constantly down on themselves. Women aren’t the only ones with low self-esteem. Many of these men aren’t able to do
Exercise 19-3
, or they do it but the words aren’t believable. A different version of that exercise can help.

EXERCISE 19-4: FOCUSING ON YOUR VIRTUES

This exercise requires that you dwell on your good points (strengths, assets) several times a day. The first step consists of making a list of these points, preferably on index cards, one item per card. One of my clients dubbed these items his “virtues list.” Over a period of several days or longer, jot down your virtues on the cards. If you can’t think of anything positive, use compliments you’ve received; if someone thanked you for your generosity, use “generous.” One or two words is usually sufficient for each characteristic. A sample list might look like this: “decisive, loyal, good provider, intelligent, understanding, gentle, willing to help, good listener.” Try to come up with at least seven to ten items
.

Beware of being perfectionistic. No one is always kind, always a good listener, always decisive, or 100 percent creative or intelligent. If you often exhibit the quality or virtue, or if others have complimented you on it, that’s sufficient
.

The second step consists of going through your list at least twice each day and
focusing on one of the items. It should go like this: You read each item and say to yourself “Yes, I’m quite intelligent” or “It’s true, I’m a good listener.” Then take a few more seconds to recall an example of one of them (“I remember when Marge told her friends that it wasn’t true men couldn’t listen, that I was a great listener. This was after I had spent several hours with her, listening to her feelings about her father’s death. It’s true. I am a good listener”). The next time you go through the list, focus on a different virtue or recall a different example of the same one
.

The entire exercise usually takes less than a minute. Twice a day is a minimum; the more often you do it, the better you’ll feel. After a week or two of practice, you should also repeat some of your positive points whenever you have a spare moment: while stopped at a red light, or waiting in line someplace
.

With a little effort, you’ll make this exercise a regular part of your life from now on. You’ll find it’s a lot easier and more rewarding to focus on positive thoughts than negative ones
.

HAVING A TALK WITH YOURSELF

While we’ve just been discussing how to talk to yourself, here I mean something a bit different. Having a chat with yourself is usually longer than the kinds of self-statements we’ve been dealing with; whereas a self-statement might take only a few seconds, a chat with yourself might take a minute or longer. It’s a gentle, reassuring, supportive talk, even with some cheerleading, designed to calm you down, support your efforts, and keep you on the right track and doing the right things. These are the kinds of talks we often get from friends and therapists. I give them to my clients all the time.

One good time to use these talks is during time-outs (see
this page
). Calm yourself and then talk to yourself about what needs to be done. For example: “Take it easy, take it easy. Take a few deep breaths to get more relaxed.… Good. Now let’s look at this. You’re acting as if Ronnie is your enemy, trying to hurt you. You know that’s not the case. It’s just that you pushed her button when you mentioned the business with her mother. She tends to lose it when that comes up. What she said doesn’t mean anything. She was just very upset. You know she loves you. So what to do? How about apologizing for bringing up her mother? That might help. Fine, let’s start with that and then ask if this is a good time to continue talking about our plans for Labor Day. That’s the plan. And relax. She loves you. It will be fine.”

It’s extremely important to have a talk with yourself when you feel discouraged about solving your problem or about how an exercise has gone. I can almost guarantee you will have such feelings sometimes. The more quickly you can recover from feelings of failure and discouragement, the better you and your partner will feel and the faster you’ll make the changes you desire.

EXERCISE 19-5: SELF-PEP TALK

Whenever you feel discouraged about your progress or your chances of success, sit down in a private place for a few moments and give yourself a supportive, reassuring talking-to. Do this as many times as necessary over a period of hours or longer to help yourself feel more positive. Several examples follow, but you of course need to make changes in the wording to better suit your personality and situation
.

Here’s an example of what a man who is feeling discouraged about fixing his problem could say to himself (in a calm, reassuring voice):

Hey, take it easy. You’re letting yourself get carried away. I know you’re feeling discouraged, but I don’t think there’s reason to be. Let’s look at the facts. It is true that you’ve had trouble controlling your ejaculations with all your partners. But it’s also true that you’re a good lover; everyone you’ve been with says so. And it’s also true that there are ways to fix the ejaculation thing. You’ve already got this guy’s book; why not do what he suggests? If worse comes to worst and it doesn’t help, you can get a referral to a sex therapist here. This problem is solvable, so let’s just be calm and get on with it
.

This man’s self-pep talk is based on looking at the facts of his situation, but these talks don’t always have to focus on the current facts. You might want to remind yourself of another time in your life when you successfully overcame a problem. Focusing on a past success will almost certainly make you feel better about what’s facing you now. Here’s an illustration:

This is one of the toughest situations you’ve ever faced. It seems like you have so little control. But maybe you can take comfort from the fact that tough situations have always brought out the best in you. Remember the Johnson deal? Now, that was a mess. No one thought you could swing it, and you had plenty of doubts as well. Everything seemed out of control. But you found things you could do something about and you worked on them
.

And you did it. What you’re facing now is similar. You can’t directly control your penis, but you know what you can do. Focus on things you can control, the same way you did with the Johnson deal. Yes, this is a toughie, but hang in there. You’ll get where you want to be
.

One other function that can be served by these talks with yourself is self-commiseration, expressing compassion for yourself. This is kind of a verbal hug you give to yourself. Men aren’t used to doing this. If we get compassion, it’s usually from our partners. But you can learn to supply some of it yourself and make yourself feel a lot better. Here’s an example of how it could go:

This is so hard for you. Not being able to solve a problem on your own strikes at everything you hold dear. Makes you feel like less of a man, less of a person. And even though Ann is supportive and understanding, sometimes it feels like you’re all alone. It hurts real bad, and you feel so down. It’s hard to feel this way, hard to have the problem. You want to deny it, to run away. But there’s no place to go, no way of denying it. Try to be kind to yourself, and understanding. It’s rough, but—problem or not, difficult or not—you’re a good person and will get through it. Just be good to yourself; be as generous as you would be if someone else had the same problem and told you about it
.

This last example may seem corny as you read it, but many of us receive such expressions of compassion from the women in our lives. And many of us—if we were lucky—got something like it when we were children. Expressing compassion for yourself is healthy and constructive. Why not give it a shot when you’re in need?

And try not to get discouraged if these self-chats don’t have immediate results. You may have to do a number of them, over a period of hours, days, or weeks, before you notice changes
.

This completes your introduction to getting your mind on your side. But we are far from done with the subject. In later chapters I’ll suggest other relevant exercises. You’ll be far ahead of the game if you’ve already started doing the exercises in this chapter.

CHAPTER TWENTY