The New Male Sexuality (57 page)

Developing Ejaculatory Control

I’ve had dozens of women, and only now do I learn that I’ve been coming quickly all along. I didn’t realize it. I thought what I was doing was normal. I feel bad about all those women I shortchanged.—
Man, 26

Having better control is something I treasure. It’s made for better sex and a big difference in how I feel about myself, not only sexually but in all areas
.
—Man, 37

Lack of ejaculatory control is probably the most common male sexual problem. The main manifestation of this difficulty is that the men consistently come more quickly than they or their partners want in intercourse; hence the terms “premature” and “rapid ejaculation.” Although the complaint is usually stated in terms of time—he comes, say, within thirty seconds of starting intercourse—the issue is really about voluntary control of the ejaculatory process rather than time. The man lacks a vote or influence over when he comes. It happens when it happens, usually quickly and often seeming to sneak up on him.

It has been estimated that about one-third of American men suffer from an inability to control the timing of their ejaculations; that is many millions of men. Though the problem generally affects younger men and tends to improve with age, there are some men in their forties, fifties, and even older who have it. I worked with one man who had very little control over his ejaculations his whole life and still had the problem even though he was seventy. I hope you won’t wait as long as he did to develop better control.

WHAT IS EJACULATORY CONTROL?

While ejaculation is a reflex and can’t be controlled perfectly, a man who has developed control can enjoy high levels of sexual arousal, whether
from oral or manual stimulation or intercourse, without coming, and he usually has a choice when to ejaculate. He can allow his arousal to rise to a high level and then more or less level off until he wants to come, as shown in
Figure 8
. Don’t take the leveling off too literally, however. In reality, his arousal fluctuates, increasing and decreasing, according to his desires and what’s going on, until he wants to come. He can also decide to come quickly if that seems appropriate.

In contrast, a man without control tends to go from zero excitement to orgasm without leveling off (
Figure 9
). He has to come quickly; he has no other choice. He doesn’t get to enjoy high levels of arousal for long. He may try various methods of lessening his excitement—thinking of things other than sex is a popular one—but they work neither well nor consistently. And his partner is always in a quandary. She’s fearful of stimulating him, because that may bring instant ejaculation. She’s fearful of allowing herself to get turned on in intercourse, because it will probably be over before she’s derived as much enjoyment from it as she desires. If she has the ability to be orgasmic in intercourse, she at first will try desperately to reach orgasm before he comes, usually a futile endeavor. After repeated failures, she may stop getting turned on. What’s the point of getting excited, she wonders, if the only result is to be left hanging and feeling frustrated? Even if she does manage to achieve orgasm in intercourse before he
does, it’s a hurried and anxious business and often doesn’t seem worth the effort.

Figure 8: Male sexual experience with ejaculatory control

Lack of ejaculatory control isn’t a bad problem to have, because sex therapists have been very successful in resolving it.
According to a number of studies and clinical impressions, 80 to 90 percent of men learn better control in therapy, provided they are willing to devote the necessary time and energy. Ejaculatory control is a skill or habit that can be learned in eight to twenty weeks by following the exercises given in this chapter.

Many men without good ejaculatory control have a fantasy, which one of them put this way: “I’d like to be able to screw for an hour—no, make that two or three hours—without coming. I think that would feel great and my wife would love me for it.” It’s easy to understand how someone who usually can’t have intercourse for more than a minute or two would fantasize about the effects of lasting longer. But, as usual, it’s important not to get carried away. I’ve talked with men who do have intercourse for up to an hour, and even longer, and they are not a happy group. They have the problem of not being able to come inside a woman no matter how long they thrust, and their regular bouts of thirty-, forty-or sixty-minute intercourse really don’t feel all that great.

It may seem to you that their partners would be ecstatic, but the reality is somewhat different. Their partners complain about unceasing thrusting
and pounding, sore vaginas, and a sense of incompleteness because, although intercourse seems to go on forever, the man never finishes in “a normal way.” This problem, called “retarded ejaculation” by sex therapists, is far less common and more difficult to treat than rapid ejaculation.

Figure 9: Male sexual experience without ejaculatory control

Lack of ejaculatory control manifests itself in various ways. Some men have very little control regardless of the sexual activity. They come as quickly in masturbation as they do with partner stimulation. Others are okay when they’re by themselves but not when they’re with a partner. Still others, probably the largest group, are fine except for intercourse. There is yet another distinction. Most men without ejaculatory control have had the problem all their lives. But there are some who once had control but no longer do.

Most men without ejaculatory control do not also experience difficulty getting erections. But some men have both problems: Erections are difficult to get and ejaculations are usually quick.
Since many of the exercises for developing better control require an erection, men with both problems should not attempt to work on gaining ejaculatory control until the erection problem is resolved
. First things first.

Sex therapists aren’t as knowledgeable about the causes of lack of control as I would like. We aren’t sure why millions of males have little or no ejaculatory control, while millions of others do. We aren’t sure why control gets better with age and experience for many men, but not for others.

One thing we do know, however, is that unlike erection problems, which are often caused or maintained by physical factors and drugs,
rapid ejaculation is almost always due to a lack of knowledge, attention, or skill. Another thing we know is that abstinence hampers control. Even a man who usually has good control may come quickly after several weeks without sex. It also seems to be true that anxiety can cause loss of control. This is seen in men who come quickly with new partners but regain control as they get more comfortable.

In general, men without control simply don’t make the adjustments in behavior necessary to stay at high levels of arousal without coming. This may be because these men are not focusing on their own sensations and therefore can’t take appropriate action, because they don’t know when to make the adjustments in their behavior, or because they don’t know what kinds of adjustments should be made.

The benefits of gaining control are many. Better control means longer and usually more-enjoyable sex, especially intercourse. Men who’ve achieved this feel more confident and better about themselves as lovers, and their partners
are appreciative. Also, many men report that their own orgasms feel better: “Fuller” or “more complete” is how they describe them.

It’s important, however, not to confuse having better control with the woman having so-called vaginal orgasms (orgasms solely through intercourse without simultaneous clitoral stimulation). There are, of course, some women who can have such orgasms. If your partner is one of these women and you learn to last longer, she may again have such orgasms. But the clear conclusion of a number of surveys is that many, probably a majority, of women are not orgasmic in this way. They require direct clitoral stimulation (by her hand, your hand, your mouth, or a vibrator) to have orgasm, a task for which a thrusting penis is not well suited. Lasting longer will not help these women reach orgasm in intercourse.

It’s also important not to assume that lack of control is always a problem. Whether it is or not depends on the couple and the circumstances. There are some couples, for instance, in which the man usually comes quickly but it troubles neither him nor his partner. If they’re content, they shouldn’t bother to change. There are also many men who have little control with a new partner. The first few times they’re together sexually, he comes quickly. But then his control reappears. With a transitory phenomenon like this, there doesn’t seem to be much point in doing exercises. The man can explain to his partner that his control will get better over time, or he might want to delay having intercourse with her until he’s more comfortable.

As I mentioned earlier, some men have had good ejaculatory control in the past but have lost it. They’ve lost the control they once had with the same woman, or they no longer have control now that they are separated from their partner. It is difficult to say if these men should do the exercises in this chapter. The exercises certainly won’t hurt, and I’ve seen some cases in which they’ve done a lot of good. But even there they seemed like supplements. For these men, the main issue is something else. Usually there’s something about the current situation (the man is nervous with a new partner, for instance, or he’s angry or feels guilty) that needs work before his control can reassert itself. So feel free to do the exercises, but also devote some time to figuring out what’s getting in your way. The best way I know to do this is doing the conditions exercise in
Chapter 6
.

One man I worked with had never had great control, but it had gotten much worse in the last two years of his deteriorating marriage. Doing ejaculatory-control exercises hadn’t helped at all. After his divorce, he came for therapy because he wanted to be a better lover for new partners.
It turned out that one of his main conditions for good control was feeling accepted and loved by his partner. This condition had clearly not been met as his marriage fell apart. Even when he and his wife weren’t in open conflict, he’d sensed her anger and resentment. Now that she was no longer in the picture, he was able to make rapid progress with the masturbation exercises described later in this chapter. As this happened, he became involved with a woman he had known for years. He felt truly accepted by her and, after two or three sessions in which he came quickly, his control was better than ever before.

TWO APPROACHES TO EJACULATORY CONTROL

For many years the only proven way of improving ejaculatory control was the program of exercises detailed in the rest of this chapter. But recently a pharmaceutical option has been added. There are a number of medications used to treat depression that have a side effect of making orgasm harder to get to. For men who come more quickly than they want, the drugs can help them last longer. It isn’t quite appropriate to use the term “ejaculatory control” for the effect of these drugs. They don’t actually give you greater control. They just have the result of making you last longer than before. The control belongs to the drug, not you.