The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (37 page)

What are the two reasons why men

don’t mind their own business?

No mind. No business.

What do blondes and beer bottles

have in common?

They are both empty from the neck up.

Did you hear about the Polish guy who won

a gold medal at the Olympics?

He was so proud, he had it bronzed.

What’s one sign that you drank too much?

You wake up in Montana with a Mohawk.

Not the haircut—a big sweaty Indian!

And remember, it’s: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!

Cecil B. de Mille, perhaps one of the greatest filmmakers of all time, was directing his latest movie. He had to shoot
a difficult battle scene, using thousands of extras as gladiators fighting in a huge outdoor stadium. C.B., as he was known
on the movie set, strategically placed seventeen cameras all around the stadium to capture every movement of the extras. It
was very important that the whole scene be shot in one take, by all seventeen cameras, or the scene would be ruined, so he gave
each of the seventeen cameramen walkie-talkies so he could coordinate the shots.

Finally, Cecil B. de Mille was ready to shoot the scene. Perched on his boom camera, he radioed camera number one. “Camera one,”
said C.B., “are you ready?”

“Ready when you are, C.B.!” replied camera one.

“Camera two,” said C.B., “are you ready?”

“Ready when you are, C.B.!” replied camera two.

He did the same for the rest of the camera operators and all the cameramen responded with, “Ready when you are, C.B.!”

“Roll cameras and action!” yelled de Mille into his walkie-talkie, and the thousands of extras went into action while the cameras
rolled.

After ten long minutes, de Mille yelled, “Cut! Camera one, did you get it?”

“Got it, C.B.!” said camera one.

“Camera two, did you get it?” asked C.B.

“Got it, C.B.!” said camera two.

He asked the same question for all the cameras up to number sixteen and they all responded with, “Got it, C.B.!”

Finally he asked camera seventeen, “Camera seventeen, did you get it?”

“Ready when you are, C.B.!” came the voice over the walkie-talkie.

And speaking of movies… I promised this joke to my parents.

On the set of Ginger Rogers’s last movie. The stage is set, the cameras are ready, and the director tells the assistant director
to go get Miss Rogers from her dressing room. The A.D. knocks on her door, but there is no answer. He tells the director that
he can’t find her anywhere.

The director then tells everyone to go look for
her. People are searching high and low. Finally, a stagehand runs up to the director and says, “I found her! I found her!”

“Where was she?” asks the director.

The stagehand replies, “I found her under Astaire!”

Two Polish guys are drinking in a bar. The first Polish guy says to the other, “Hey, how was your honeymoon?”

The second Polish guy says, “It was great, and you know, the way she was acting, I think I could have gotten laid!”

What do a tornado and marriage have in common?

In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking

and blowing, then you lose your house!

A guy walks into a barber shop and asks the barber, “How long is the wait?”

The barber says, “About two hours.” The guy leaves.

The next day, the guy walks into the barber shop and asks, “How long is the wait?”

The barber says, “About an hour and a half.” The guy leaves.

The next day, the guy walks in again and asks, “How long is the wait?”

“About forty-five minutes,” says the barber, and the guy leaves.

Curious, the barber says to a customer, “Do me a favor, follow that guy and tell me where he goes. He’s been coming in all
week asking me how long the wait is. I have the only shop in town and I’ve never given him a haircut.”

An hour later, the customer comes back and says, “I found out where that guy goes.”

“Oh, and where’s that?” asks the barber.

“Your house,” says the customer.

Three guys are in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asks the first guy, “What’s your story, how did you die?”

The first guy says, “I came home early, saw my wife naked, and I noticed a cigar in the ashtray. I don’t smoke cigars, so I
looked out the window and I saw a guy run out of my apartment building to the street, frantically hailing a cab. I snapped,
picked up the refrigerator, and threw it out the window. The strain was too much for me and I had a heart attack.”