The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (36 page)

A month later, God calls Satan, “Satan, how ya doing? Look, there was a glitch in the computer and the architectural engineer
you have belongs up here. Send him back up, will you?”

“No way!” Satan says. “You should see what that guy has done to this place! The fire is directed through beautiful glass tubes,
we have central air-conditioning, and my throne is a masterpiece! And there’s a bunch of other stuff he needs to do for me, so
there is no way I’m sending him back to you!”

“Satan,” God says menacingly, “send him back or I’ll sue you for every penny you’ve got! You won’t have a throne to sit on!”

“Oh, yeah?” says Satan. “Where are you going to get a lawyer?”

What’s the difference between

a proud chicken and a lawyer?

One clucks defiant.

Did you hear about the blind skunk?

He fucked a piece of shit.

Did you hear about the truck carrying

copies of Roget’s Thesaurus that overturned

on the highway?

The local newspaper reported that the

onlookers were “stunned, overwhelmed,

astonished, bewildered, and dumbfounded.”

I always thought that a thesaurus was a smart dinosaur!

Did you hear about the red ship and

the blue ship that collided?

The survivors were marooned.

A friend of mine asked me what I thought of Flushing, New York. I said it was a great idea.

If FedEx and UPS merged, would they call it Fed UP?

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?

Two, if you slice them very thinly.

A wife wants bigger breasts. She says to her husband, “Honey, I’ve tried everything except implants and I’m not going to go
through that.”

Her husband says, “Why don’t you try rubbing toilet paper between your breasts?”

“Do you think that will work?” asks the wife.

“Why not?” says her husband. “It worked pretty good on your ass.”

A guy meets a woman on the golf course. They agree to play golf together the next day. They play and find that they have a
lot in common, so they decide to play golf together for the rest of the week. On the last day of golf they go out to dinner,
have a wonderful meal and stimulating conversation. Out in the parking lot of the restaurant, they kiss passionately.

The guy says softly, “I want to make love to you, I want to be inside you!”

The woman says, “I have to tell you, I’m a transvestite.”

“You bitch!” yells the guy angrily. “You’ve been playing off the red tees!”

What’s an Australian kiss?

The same as a French kiss,

only down under.

What do you see when you look in

a blonde’s eyes?

The back of her head.