The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (7 page)

Two guys are walking their dogs. One guy sees a bar across the street and says to the other guy, “What do you say we go in
that bar for a cold beer?”

The other guy says, “Forget it! They will never let us in with our dogs.”

“Listen,” says the first guy. “Watch what I do and repeat what I say and I guarantee that we will be in that bar, with our dogs, drinking
an ice-cold beer.”

He puts his sunglasses on, takes his dog by the leash, and walks across the street. Just as he gets to the bar, the doorman
says, “Sorry, no dogs allowed.”

“Oh, this is my seeing-eye dog,” says the guy.

Very apologetically, the doorman opens the door and lets the guy in with his dog.

The guy across the street smiles, puts his sunglasses on, takes his dog by the leash, and walks to
the bar. The doorman stops him and says, “Sorry, no dogs allowed.”

The guy says, “This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The doorman looks at the dog and says, “Since when do they have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs?”

Not missing a beat, the guy says, “
They gave me a Chihuahua
?!”

How can you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?

It’s not hard.

Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?

The one who can carry two cups of coffee

and twelve doughnuts.

Who is the most popular woman in a

nudist colony?

The one who can eat the twelve doughnuts.

What has four legs and an arm?

A Doberman pinscher

Hear about the new Korean cookbook?

It’s called
One Hundred Ways

to Wok Your Dog.

What’s the difference between beer nuts

and deer nuts?

Deer nuts are always under a buck.

What is a Polish ménage à trois?

Two of the people watch.

O.K., this one is for all you Baby Boomers out there. Remember the TV series
Gunsmoke
?

It’s a hot day in Dodge City. So hot that no one is out on the street. But Marshal Dillon is on the porch of the jailhouse
anyway, sitting in a chair watching the street like a good marshal.

Out of the corner of his eye, Dillon sees someone walking up the street at the edge of town. He stands up to get a better look
and sees that it is Festus with hat, boots, and a gun belt, but otherwise totally naked.

Dillon runs into the jailhouse, grabs a blanket, and runs down the street to Festus and wraps the
blanket around him. “Dang gum it, Festus, what the hell are you doing?” he asks.

“Well, Marshal Dillon,” says Festus, “I was sweeping the porch of the jailhouse like you told me, when Miss Kitty came riding
up on her buggy and she says to me, ‘Festus, it is real hot out here, would you like to come up to the plateau, where it’s
nice and cool, with me?’

“Well, Marshal,” continues Festus, “you know how I feel about Miss Kitty, so I got up on the buggy, took the reins, and headed
off to the plateau with her.

“Once we got to the plateau, Miss Kitty says to me, ‘Festus, I have a picnic basket that is just too heavy for me to lift, could
you get it off the buggy for me?’

“Well, Marshal, you know how I feel about Miss Kitty, so I took the picnic basket off the buggy and put it on the ground. Then
Miss Kitty says to me, ‘Festus, there is a blanket on the buggy, could you get it and spread it on the ground for me?’

“Well, Marshal, you know how I feel about Miss Kitty, so I took the blanket and spread it out on the ground the way she wanted.
Then she says to me, ‘Festus, I have too much food in this picnic basket for one person. Would you like to join me in a picnic?’

“Well, Marshal Dillon, you know how I feel about Miss Kitty, so we commenced to eatin’ homemade fried chicken and homemade potato
salad up there on the plateau where it’s nice and cool, and when we was done, Miss Kitty says to me, ‘Festus, I want you to
stand up, turn around, and take off all your clothes.’

“Wellll, Marshal Dillon, you
know
how I feel about Miss Kitty, so I turned around and took all my clothes off, and when I turned back, there was Miss Kitty,
buck naked and spread-eagled on the picnic blanket, and she looked at me and said, ‘Well, Festus, go to town!’

“So, Marshal Dillon, here I am!”

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?

Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.