The Notebook + The Proof + The Third Lie (26 page)

I ate quickly in the kitchen, retired to my room, and locked the door. It was the first time I had dared to lock my door. When my sister tried to come into my room, I shouted, I dared to shout, "Don't disturb me! I've had some brilliant ideas! I must get them on paper before I lose them."

My sister replied humbly, "I didn't want to disturb you. I just wanted to wish you good night."

"Good night, Sophie!"

She didn't leave.

"I had this very demanding client. She wanted her dress finished for the New Year. I'm sorry you had to eat on your own, Victor."

"It doesn't matter," I replied nicely. "Go to bed, Sophie, it's late."

After a silence she asked, "Why have you locked the door, Victor? You didn't need to lock it. That wasn't really necessary."

I drank a mouthful of brandy to calm myself. "I don't want to be disturbed. I'm writing."

"That's good. Very good, Victor."

I drank the bottle of brandy—it was only a half-liter—smoked two cigars and numerous cigarettes. I threw the butts out the window. It was still snowing. The snow covered the butts and the empty bottle, which I had also thrown out the window, out into the street.

The next morning my sister knocked at my door. I didn't answer. She knocked again. I shouted, "Let me sleep!"

I heard her go.

I didn't get up until two o'clock in the afternoon. My sister and her meal were waiting for me in the kitchen. This was our conversation:

"I reheated the meal three times."

"I'm not hungry. Make me some coffee."

"It's two o'clock. How can you sleep so long?"

"I was writing till five o'clock this morning. I am an artist. I have the right to work when I want, whenever I feel inspired. Writing is not the same as sewing. Get that into your head, Sophie."

My sister looked at me admiringly. "You're right, Victor, I'm sorry. Will it soon be finished, your book?"

"Yes, soon."

"How wonderful! It will be a very fine book, if the bits I've read are anything to go on."

I thought, "Stupid cow!"

I drank more and more; I became careless. I left packs of cigarettes in the pocket of my overcoat. My sister brushed and cleaned it in order to search the pockets. One day she came into my room brandishing a half-empty pack. "You're smoking!"

I answered defiantly, "Yes, I'm smoking. I can't write without smoking."

"You promised me you'd stop!"

"I also promised myself. But then I realized that I couldn't write if I didn't smoke. It was a moral dilemma, Sophie. If I stop smoking, I also stop writing. I decided that it was better to carry on smoking and writing than to live without writing. I've nearly finished my book. You should leave me in peace, Sophie, to finish my book and not worry about whether I smoke or not."

My sister was impressed by this. She went out and came back with an ashtray, which she placed on my desk.

"Go ahead and smoke. It's not so bad if it's for your book. . . ."

As for drinking, I adopted the following tactic. I bought liter bottles of brandy in different parts of town, taking care not to go into the same shop twice in a row. I would bring the bottle home in the inside pocket of my overcoat and hide it in the umbrella stand in the corridor, and when my sister went out or went to bed

I would grab the bottle, lock myself in my room, and smoke and drink late into the night.

I avoided bars, I came home sober from my walks, and everything was going fine between my sister and me until the spring of this year, when Sophie began to get impatient.

"Won't you ever finish that book, Victor? This can't go on. You never get up before two o'clock in the afternoon, you look terrible, you'll make yourself ill, and me besides."

"I've finished it, Sophie. I now have to correct it and type it up. It's a big job."

"I never thought it would take so much time to write a book."

"A book's not the same as a dress, Sophie, remember that."

Summer came. I suffered terribly from the heat. I spent the afternoons in the forest, lying under the trees. Sometimes I slept and had confused dreams. One day I was awakened by a storm, a huge storm. It was August 14. I left the forest as quickly as my bad leg would allow. I sought shelter in the first bar along the way. It was a workingmen's bar. Everyone was glad about the storm, as it hadn't rained for several months. I ordered a lemonade. They all laughed, and one of them offered me a glass of red wine. I accepted. Then I ordered a bottle and offered it around. And so we carried on as the rain continued to fall. I ordered one bottle after another. I felt exceptionally good, surrounded by this warm camaraderie. I spent all the money I had on me. My companions gradually drifted away, but I didn't want to go home. I felt alone; I didn't have a home to go to. I didn't know where to go. I would have liked to have gone back to my house, my bookshop, in the faraway little town that was my ideal place. I knew now, for certain, that I should never have left that border town to live with my sister, whom I had hated since childhood.

The bartender said, "Closing time!"

Out on the street my left leg, the bad one, gave out under me, and I fell over.

I don't remember the rest. I woke up bathed in sweat in my bed. I didn't dare leave my room. Slowly it all began to come back to me. The vulgar, laughing faces in a local bar.. . later, the rain, the mud ... the uniforms of the policemen who brought me home ... my sister's horrified expression... the insults I hurled at her . . . the policemen's laughter . . .

The house was silent. Outside, the sun was shining again; the heat was suffocating.

I got up, took my old suitcase from under the bed, and started packing my clothes. It was the only solution. Leave here as soon as possible. My head was spinning. My eyes, my mouth, my throat felt raw. I felt dizzy and had to sit down. I decided I would never make it to the station in this state. I rummaged around in the wastepaper basket, found a virtually full bottle of brandy. I drank from the bottle. I felt better. I touched the back of my head. I had a painful bump behind my left ear. I picked up the bottle, lifted it to my mouth, and my sister came into the room. I put the bottle down, and I waited. My sister also waited. There was a long silence. She finally broke it, speaking in a weird, calm voice.

"What have you got to say to me?"

"Nothing," I said.

She screamed, "It's so easy! It would be, wouldn't it! He's got nothing to say! He is picked up by the police, blind drunk, lying in the mud, and he has nothing to say!"

I said, "Let me be. I'm leaving."

She snorted, "So I see, you've packed your case. But where will you go, you stupid fool, where will you go without money?"

"I've still got some money in the bank from the sale of the bookshop."

"Oh, really? I ask myself how much money you have left. You sold off the bookshop for a pittance, and the little money you made from it you've squandered on drink and cigarettes."

Of course I had never told her about the gold and silver pieces and the jewelry I received as well, which were also deposited in the bank. I simply replied, "I've got enough left to go away."

She said, "And what about me?
I
haven't been paid. I've fed you, housed you, taken care of you. Who'll repay me for all that?"

I fastened up my case. "I'll pay you. Let me leave."

Suddenly much softer, she said, "Don't be childish, Victor. I'll give you a last chance. What happened yesterday evening was just an accident, a relapse. It will all be different when you've finished your book."

I asked, "What book?"

She picked up my "manuscript." "This book, your book."

"I didn't write a single word of it."

"There are nearly two hundred pages of typescript."

"Yes, two hundred pages copied from other books."

"Copied? I don't understand."

"You'll never understand anything. I copied these two hundred pages from books. I didn't write a single word of it."

She looked at me. I raised the bottle and drank. A long drink. She shook her head. "I don't believe you. You're drunk. You're talking nonsense. Why would you do that?"

I snickered. "To make you believe I was writing. You disturb me, you spy on me constantly, you prevent me from writing; seeing you, your very presence in this house, prevents me from writing. You destroy everything, degrade everything, annihilate all creativity, life, freedom, inspiration. Since childhood you've done nothing but watch over me, guide me, annoy me, since childhood!"

She remained silent for a moment, then she said, she recited, staring down at the floor, the threadbare carpet, "I sacrificed everything for your work, your book. My own work, my clients, my last years. I walked on tiptoe so as not to disturb you. And you haven't written a single word during the two years you've been here? You do nothing but eat, drink, and smoke! You're nothing but a good-for-nothing cheat, a drunk, and a parasite! I told all my clients that your book was about to appear! And you've written nothing? I'll be the laughingstock of the whole town! You've brought dishonor on my house! I should have left you wallowing in your dirty little town and your filthy bookshop. You lived there, alone, for more than twenty years, so why didn't you write a book there where I wasn't disturbing you, where no one was disturbing you? Why? Because you couldn't even write one word of a third-rate book, no matter where you were or how you were living."

I kept on drinking while she was talking, and then heard my own voice answer her from afar, as if coming from the next room. I told her she was right, that I wouldn't be able, was not able to write anything at all as long as she was still alive. I reminded her of our childhood sexual experiences, which she'd initiated, being older than me by several years, and which had shocked me more deeply than she could ever imagine.

My sister replied that they were just childish games, and that it was in bad taste to bring them up again, especially since she had remained a virgin and had had no interest in "that" for a long time.

I said I knew "that" didn't interest her, she was happy to stroke the hips and breasts of her clients, I had watched her during fittings, I'd seen the pleasure she took in touching her young clients, beautiful as she had never been; depraved was all she had ever been.

I told her that because of her ugliness and her hypocritical puritanism, she had never been able to interest any man. So she turned instead to her clients and used taking measurements and smoothing out the material as a pretext for touching the young, beautiful women who ordered dresses from her.

My sister said, "You're going too far, Victor. That's enough!"

She grabbed the bottle, my bottle of brandy, she smashed it over the typewriter, the brandy spilled out over the desk. My sister came toward me, holding the neck of the broken bottle.

I stood up, pinned her arm back, twisted her wrist; she dropped the bottle. We fell onto the bed, and I lay on top of her. I gripped her skinny throat in my hands, and when she stopped struggling, I ejaculated.

The next day Lucas takes Victor's manuscript back to Peter.

A few months later, Peter goes back to his hometown to take part in the trial. He is away for several weeks. On his return he calls in at the bookshop, strokes Mathias's hair, and says to Lucas. "Come and see me this evening."

Lucas says, "Sounds like bad news, Peter."

Peter shakes his head. "Don't ask any questions now. See you later."

When Peter leaves, the child turns to Lucas. "Has something bad happened to Peter?"

"Not to Peter, but to one of his friends, I'm afraid."

The child says, "It's the same thing, it's maybe even worse."

Lucas holds Mathias close. "You're right. Sometimes it's worse."

When he gets to Peter's, Lucas asks, "Well?"

Peter drinks the glass of brandy he has just poured in a single gulp. "Well? Sentenced to death. Executed yesterday by hanging. Drink up!"

"You're drunk, Peter!"

Peter raises the bottle, examines the level of the liquid, snickers. "You're right, I've already drunk half a bottle. I'm taking over where Victor left off."

Lucas gets up. "I'll come back another time. It's no use talking to you in this state."

Peter says, "On the contrary. I can't talk about Victor unless I'm in this state. Sit down. Here, this belongs to you. Victor sends it to you." He pushes a small linen bag over to Lucas.

Lucas asks, "What is it?"

"Gold coins and jewelry. Some money as well. Victor didn't have enough time to spend it. He said, 'Give this all back to Lucas. He paid too much for the house and the bookshop. As for you, Peter, I leave you my house, the house of my sister and our parents. We don't have any heirs, neither my sister nor I have an heir. Sell this house, it is cursed. It has had a curse on it since our childhood. Sell it, and go back to the little town far away, that wonderful place I never should have left.' "

After a silence, Lucas says, "You thought Victor would receive a lighter sentence. You even hoped he would avoid prison and live out his days in an asylum."

"I was wrong, that's all. I couldn't know that the psychiatrists would judge Victor responsible for his actions, nor that Victor would act like a fool at his trial. He showed no remorse, no regret, no contrition. He just kept on repeating, 'I had to do it, I had to kill her. It was the only way I could write my book.' The jury deemed that no one had a right to kill someone solely because that person was preventing him from writing a book. They also declared that it would be too easy to have a few drinks, kill an honest person, and get away with it. They concluded that Victor was a selfish, perverse individual who was a danger to society. Apart from me all the witnesses gave evidence against him in favor of his sister, who led an honorable, exemplary life, and was appreciated by everyone, particularly her clients." Lucas asks, "Were you able to see him apart from the trial?" "After the sentence, yes. I was allowed to go into his cell and stay as long as I wanted. I kept him company up to the end." "Was he afraid?"

"Afraid? I don't think that's the right word. At first he didn't believe it, he couldn't believe it. Was he expecting a pardon, a miracle? I don't know. The day he wrote and signed his will he certainly had no illusions. The final evening he said to me, 'I know I'm going to die, Peter, but I don't understand it. Instead of just one corpse, my sister's, there will now be a second, mine. But who needs a second corpse? Certainly not God, he has no use for our bodies. Society? It would gain a book or two by letting me live, instead of gaining an extra corpse which would benefit noone.