The One That Got Away (7 page)

:: ::

Feeling Heidi watching me, waiting for me to speak, was both the oddest and best feeling I’d had in a long time, the alleyway not included. It was great that she was looking at me, after all those years of not seeing her in the flesh. Online photos were great, but being able to see her facial expressions and body language was an opportunity I wasn’t going to pass up. I could tell, however, that she was beginning to get impatient with my silence.

I scrambled to get my thoughts straight, wishing I’d thought this meeting through better.

“Sorry.” I apologised again, bringing a small smile to her face. “I thought I had what I wanted to say clear in my mind, but the moment you walked in, it all went to shit.”

“Don’t worry about it. This is your rodeo, take your time.”

I glanced at my phone. There was still a decent amount of time to catch my train. “Thanks.” I took another deep breath to steady my nerves. “I know we spoke last night, after . . .” I trailed off, not sure how to phrase my words.

“We had a rampant fuck in a dark alley?” Heidi supplied, making me laugh.

“If you want to put it that way, fine by me.” My face began to ache from my grin, but I didn’t care. I was finally at ease and knew what I wanted to say and how to say it. “I wanted you to know that I didn’t turn up just looking to get in your knickers last night. I know I’ve flirted, some of it got pretty hardcore, but I never expected anything.”

“Look, Shane. Yeah, the flirting online got pretty intense, but if I hadn’t wanted it to continue, you know me well enough to know I’d have put a stop to it. Unlike you, I
did
go to the reunion with a purpose. I wanted to remind you exactly what you’d let go. It makes me sound big-headed and full of myself, but it made me feel good. Like you, though, I never even considered for one moment that we’d end up in that alley, but we did.” She paused to take a sip of her coffee.

I watched her intently, blown away by her frankness. This woman never ceased to amaze me, or make me regret my rash decision fifteen years prior.

“As I said last night, it shouldn’t have happened, but I won’t regret it. It made us both feel fantastic, and if need be, has given us some closure.”

Did I want closure?
I’d told her last night that I'd been left wanting to know how it would feel to make love to her and I hadn’t lied. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I must have thought us having sex would, as Heidi mentioned, give us a closure on our unresolved history. It hadn’t.

“It hasn’t for me.” I had promised myself to be open and honest with her before we parted ways once again. She maintained eye contact even though her skin was flushed with a blush that spread from her throat to her cheeks.

“Me either.”

Chapter Six

Heidi:

The overwhelming urge to lean across the tiny table and kiss Shane crashed into me, and I almost gave into it. I glanced down at our almost touching hands, wanting to make contact with him. Shane looked down, too, following my line of sight and catching a glimpse at his watch.

“Shit! My train leaves in less than an hour. I’m really sorry, but I have to go otherwise I’ll miss it.” Shane’s voice was frantic.

Any kind of ‘moment’ that may have passed between us was forgotten while he rushed to gather his things, then dashed outside to try and hail a passing taxi, mumbling an apology to me the entire time.

On impulse, I followed him out of the coffee shop then grabbed hold of his hand and dragged him to my car, promising to get him to the station on time. Thankfully, the traffic was pretty light—for London, anyway—and I pulled into a drop-off point outside the station with five minutes to spare.

“Go, get on your train. You can thank me later.” I pushed him out of the car, making sure he didn’t try to turn back to talk to me.

Shane walked away from me, on through the crowds of people milling about in front of the main entrance. His tall, solid form was visible the entire time it took him to move away, until he disappeared inside with finality. For some reason, the moment he was out of sight, I felt a little lost. With a sigh, I rummaged through my bag to find my cigarettes and a lighter then opened the driver’s side window, lit one, and took a deep, relaxing hit of nicotine. I lifted my head to take a final glance at the station.

Surprise hit me to see Shane was back outside, pacing outside the automatic door, his phone clamped to his ear. I pulled away from the drop-off point and straight into a short-stay spot. Keeping my eyes on Shane, I climbed out and hurried toward him. The entire time my conscience was screaming at me to get back in my car and drive without stopping.

“Hey! What are you still doing here?” he asked after spinning to face me at the gentle tap on his shoulder.

“I could ask you the same.” He didn’t smile at my attempt at humour. “What happened?”

“My train left three minutes early.”

“Oh, shit, Shane. I’m so sorry.” We sat down on a bench, our legs touching lightly. I was confused at my own actions which had carried me over to him rather than going home.

“No need to apologise, it’s not your fault.” He gave me a gentle nudge with the entire left side of his body, causing me to shiver a little. “I should have kept a better eye on the time, but I was too busy looking at you.”

That was an admission I was unsure how to take, so I smiled and stayed quiet. Shane even looked a little surprised by it, as if he’d planned to say something different from what had come out of his mouth.

“Any chance of catching another train?” I’d been in his position before and knew full well the chances of getting a different train were dependent on what ticket you had, whether the person at the ticket office you spoke to was an utter dick or not, and if your face fit. I had no doubt that Shane had the gift of gab, and could talk his way out of most situations, but the look on his face told me that hadn’t been the case here.

“At the cost of a new ticket setting me back forty quid I don’t have.”

“Ah, crap. Now I feel guilty.”

“Why? It’s not your fault,” he repeated. “I just need to get hold of my dad to see if he can spot me the money until payday, but there’s no answer at home or on his mobile.”

Seeing Shane, with his size and general prettiness, sitting forward and running his long fingers through his hair in stress was a huge contrast to the physical strength he’d displayed in the alleyway. My internal voice was screaming at me to get up and leave, that I needed to get away from him. Yet I couldn’t move, it was an effect he’d always had on me. I lit another cigarette as he pressed redial on his phone, only to huff in frustration seconds later.

“Still no joy?”

He shook his head. “I’ll have to head over and talk to him in person.”

I took hold of his hand, causing him to look at me in shock, probably unsure of what was going on. “Come on, I’ll drive you home.” Where the hell had that come from?

“You don’t need to do that.” There was a hint of nervousness in his voice.

“I know I don’t, but I want to. I can’t go home and leave you stranded, so come on. Besides, I wasn’t due home till tomorrow anyway so no one will be the wiser if I get back late.” I watched him pause and think about it for a while, worry etched on his face. We argued for a few minutes about the journey being too far, and how much it would put me out.

Eventually, he grabbed his bag so I led him to my car. The feel of his gaze watching me while I walked ahead was nice. I liked it.

While he stowed his bag on the back seat, I made myself comfortable at the wheel. Was I courting trouble by driving him home?

:: ::

Shane:

Silence surrounded us while Heidi navigated through London, toward the motorway. I was unsure what to say to her. When I’d woken up, I’d planned to meet up at the coffee shop, talk, and then get my train home to stew in the memories we’d spontaneously created at the reunion. Every time I thought about it, I ended up working my way out of the situation of knowing I was a cheat, something I’d never wanted to be. Something I hated myself for becoming.

The only thing I was certain about was the need to have a serious discussion with Mel about our future. Surely she would see that we’d stagnated and our relationship wasn’t moving anywhere. At least I hoped she would.

“Penny for them.” Heidi’s voice made me jump a little. “Sorry, champ, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Her laugh was light. I wanted to hear it again and again.

“I was just thinking about Mel.”

“Oh.”

Shit. Not the best idea to discuss the girlfriend with the woman you cheated on her with. “I mean . . . I’m trying to work out how to initiate a discussion about us ending this as amicably as possible.”

“I see.”

I didn’t think she did, but I couldn’t blurt out how much I wanted to thank her for fucking me, which in turn finally gave me the balls to see how much Mel and I were over. It’s all well and good plodding along in a relationship out of habit, but there comes a time that enforces how doing just that isn’t helping anyone.

“It’s been in the cards for some time. The other night just made me realise it needs to be done now.” I looked over at her when we pulled to a stop at a set of traffic lights leading to the start of the motorway. There was a serious and thoughtful look on her face. We were more than a little confined in her small car, and I didn’t want there to be any awkwardness between us.

“Will you tell me about her?” Her voice was quiet, but a steely quality ran through it.

The question took me by surprise. “What do you want to know?” I really wanted to know
why
, but this seemed safer.

“I don’t know. What drew you to her?”

I thought back to when I first saw Mel. She’d been different then, more carefree and up for a laugh.

“Her laugh, and the way her eyes crinkled up when she did it.” If I was honest with myself, Mel had reminded me a lot of Heidi that day. They may have looked completely different, but something about how she’d held herself made me think about the girl I’d let slip through my fingers. Although Heidi was always present in the back of my mind, I tried not to dwell on my mistakes and regrets.

“Always a good starting point.”

“What attracted you to your kid’s dad? Jason, right?” It was a question I’d always wanted to ask, but never had the guts to during our online chats.

“Before he turned out to be a cheating scumbag he was so gentle, despite his size. It’s not very often you find a guy who’s six-foot-five who cries at home makeover shows.” Her smile lit up her face whilst she spoke. “But once I was pregnant and fat, he soon showed his true colours.”

“I bet you were gorgeous when you were pregnant.” I could almost picture it, and the image made me squirm in my seat. Maybe if I hadn’t fucked up all those years ago, I’d have been the one to watch her body change and been the one to support her throughout.

“Hardly. I was a whale with an attitude problem.” I couldn’t help but laugh and was rewarded with her joining me. Before I could speak again something on the dashboard binged at us and the car began to slow down. “Crap!” Heidi managed to pull over onto the hard shoulder.

“What’s wrong?” As someone who didn’t drive, I knew very little about cars.

“We’ve run out of petrol.” Her hand slammed onto the steering wheel in a fit of obvious frustration.

“Shit, where’s the nearest service station?” I couldn’t remember seeing a recent sign, but then, I hadn’t been paying attention to much other than Heidi.

“Not far, the turn off is just up there.” She climbed out of the car and walked round to the boot.

I followed to find her lifting out a petrol can, then watched as she gave it a shake and swore at discovering it was empty. I had the feeling this may have happened before, more than once.

“You want to stay here and I’ll walk?” It was the only way I could think of getting petrol quickly, and I had the feeling she wouldn’t want to leave her car unattended on the road side.

“I kind of don’t want to be left on my own either way.”
Thank Christ.
The only question now was whether the car would be safe if we both left to fill the can. “I might just call my recovery service, but we could be waiting for a while.”

“I’d feel better though, knowing you weren’t on your own.” I wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

“Yeah, me too.” She clasped her hands together behind my back and hugged me quick before letting go and rummaging in the boot again. “I just need to hide the can.”

:: ::

Warm weather drew us to sit on the grass verge in front of the car after Heidi had made her call for help. Seated slightly downwind of her, I could smell her light perfume. It was driving me insane. All I wanted to do was kiss her until she was breathless.

“Considering we’re on the side of the motorway, it’s pretty quiet.” Until she said it, I hadn’t noticed, but she was right. The traffic was very light in both directions.

I lay back onto the grass, resting my head onto my hands.

“If we weren’t waiting to be rescued, I’d admit to enjoying myself,” I joked, not wanting to let on that I really was. Being alone with her was both a blessing and a curse since it allowed us to actually spend time together. It was enabling me to put off going home to face Mel.

“I am enjoying myself. I’m allowed to be Heidi again for a bit longer, before I have to become Mum again. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but it’s nice not having to worry about anyone but myself for a little while longer.”

I turned my head to look at her. If I hadn’t known, I’d never have guessed she’d had two kids. Just as I opened my mouth to tell her so, she turned to look back at me and her soft smile made me groan.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“I’m fine,” I told her after a moment of silence. The sun was behind her head, making me feel like a cliché for thinking she looked like an angel. More than anything, I wanted to pull her down onto me and make her scream my name right here at the side of the road. It was either that, or pin her to the ground and give in to the growing desire to kiss her. Either act wasn’t appropriate for our location, or the fact that I was on my way home to break up with my long term girlfriend.

“You don’t look it. You look like there’s some big internal debate going on inside your head.”

How did she do that? Even back at school, she could look at me and almost guess what I was thinking.

“There is . . . but I don’t think now is the time or the place to try either option running through my head.” She cocked an eyebrow at me, almost daring me. “Heidi, don’t.”

“Don’t what?” The innocent act wasn’t fooling me.

“The temptation’s hard enough to fight without you looking at me like that.”

“Then don’t fight.”