The Outpost (43 page)

“You’re kidding, right?” guffawed Max.

“Getting in your interruptions a little early, ain’t you?” said Catastrophe Baker ominously, and Max promptly shut up.

I wasn’t much of a fighting man even when I was thirty years younger and a hundred pounds lighter (said O’Grady). It’s just not my style.

So when we all left the Outpost to confront the aliens, I figured I’d meet them on the battlefield where I’m at my best—a gaming table.

I sent word to the aliens that I’d meet their best gambler at the casino on Mozart II, which I figured was far enough away from the action so that we wouldn’t be disturbed by any bombs or invading armies or anything.

I got there a bit ahead of him, checked out the lay of the land (no offense, ladies), and waited for my opponent. He showed up a few hours later with a trio of bodyguards. I couldn’t pronounce his name, so he let me call him anything I wanted, and I just naturally hit on Nick the Greek, since I figured this might be the most important opponent I ever faced.

Well, we sat down to play, and I tried to talk him into a little Face-Up Draw Poker, but the sneaky bastard had heard of it and insisted that
he
go first, so of course I lost.

“What were the stakes?” interrupted the Bard.

“He put up all his money and promised to get his soldiers off Catherine de Valois, and I put up all my money, all my worlds—but of course I didn’t own any at the time—and I agreed to sit out the war in one of his prison cells.”

“So you spent the rest of the war in prison?”

“Not exactly.”

You see (continued O’Grady), Nick the Greek was pissed as hell when he found out I didn’t have title to any worlds. He kept accusing me of lying to him, whereas I kept pointing out that I had merely misrepresented my holdings, which is a whole lot different from lying, though he never quite understood the fine dividing line.

I could see he wasn’t happy, so I tried to come up with another bet, and suddenly I remembered that I owned a pair of casinos out on the Rim and another one in the Spiral Arm. I hadn’t visited either of ’em in years, but the titles were in my ship’s safe, so I decided to make him another bet.

“What is it this time?” he asked, and I could tell he was just waiting for me to name some scam he’d heard of.

“Here’s the deal,” I said. “We’ll get a fresh deck and break it open. I won’t touch it. You shuffle it until you’re happy with it.”

“Then what?”

“Then you put it down between us and we start drawing cards, one apiece. My bet is that you’ll turn a court card face up before I do.” I paused to let him consider it, then added: “I’ll put up all three of my casinos plus my ship against all the money you’re holding.”

“But that’s just the luck of the draw,” he said, obviously disappointed that there wasn’t any ruse attached to it. “Why not simply flip a coin and be done with it?”

“I might not win with a coin,” I said. “I never lose at cards.”

“You just lost five minutes ago,” he noted.

“That’s because I tried to film-flam you,” I said. “It was unethical, and I got what I deserved. But this is an honest bet.”

“I don’t think I’m interested,” he said. “I’ve already won all your money. Why should I risk it in an even bet?”

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll give you odds.”

For just a second I saw him smile before he put his poker face back on, and I knew that I had him.

“You have no more money,” said Nick the Greek. “What kind of odds can you give me?”

“Tell me what you want,” I said.

“All right,” said Nick. “I’ll bet everything I have against everything you’ve mentioned … and, in addition, if I win, you must help me kill everyone in the Outpost and support my claim to its ownership in a court of law.”

“Done,” I said.

“What do you mean,
Done
?” I yelled. “You were offering to kill me and the Bard and probably Einstein!”

“It was a con,” replied O’Grady with a smile. “You know the old saying about how you can’t con an honest man? It goes double for aliens.”

I watched Nick the Greek shuffle the cards (said O’Grady), and since I’m as handy at stacking a deck as he is, I saw that the first picture card was the jack of spades, and that it was going to come up ninth.

“Since I went first at Face-Up Draw,” said Nick, “I will allow you the privilege of going first in this game.”

I could tell he was just waiting for me to refuse, which is how he’d know I had spotted him rigging the deck, and the second I made a fuss about it, he’d cancel the bet, keep my money, and stick me in a military prison. So I agreed to pull first.

Now, along with his three bodyguards, there were about two dozen Men in the casino, as well as a couple of Canphorites and a Mollutei. I waited until they all crowded around to watch and explained the wager to them so they’d know what they were watching. Then I pulled a three, and placed it face-up in front of me.

Nick pulled a six and let everyone see it, then placed it face-up in front of him. I pulled another three and turned it up, Nick did the same with an eight, I pulled a deuce, he pulled a five, I pulled a ten, and he pulled a four.

Now he and I both knew the next card was a jack. I reached out, peeked at it as I began pulling it, and immediately placed it face-down in front of me.

“Hey, what’s going on?” demanded Nick.

“Nothing,” I said politely. “Your draw.”

“What have you got there?”

“A nine,” I said. “Your draw.”

“I don’t believe you,” said Nick. He reached across the table and turned the jack face-up.
“Aha!”
he said triumphantly.

I turned to the nearest bystander. “What did he just do?” I demanded.

“He turned over the jack of spades,” said the man.

“What did
you
see?” I asked another.

“Same thing. He turned up your jack.”

“And what was the bet?”

“That he’d pull a picture card before you did.”

“
No!
” I said. “The exact bet was that he’d
turn up
a picture card before I did—and that’s just what he did.”

Nick screamed bloody murder, but there were more than twenty Men on my side, all of them carrying weapons, and his three bodyguards were no match for them. So, after spending a futile half-hour trying to find someone to support his claim that he’d been flim-flammed (which of course he had, but
legally
), he paid off his bet and stormed out.

As for me, I stuck around long enough to lose just about everything I’d won, and then came back here to find out how the war was going. You can imagine my disappointment when I learned it was over before I could make a bet on it.

“Fascinating!” said the Bard, scribbling furiously.

“Hey,” said O’Grady sternly, “I don’t want that little ruse to see print before I’m dead. I damned near lost everything because they were wise to Face-Up Draw. I plan to get rich on this one.”

“The people who buy Willie’s book ain’t likely to sit across from you at a gaming table,” said Max.

“Just the same, I want it kept quiet while I’m still alive.”

“We could kill you now and solve everything,” suggested Max.

“I can’t help wondering just why we fought this war,” said O’Grady. “It didn’t make me any richer and it sure as hell didn’t make you any pleasanter.”

“Every now and then folks just have to burn off energy,” said Catastrophe Baker.

“There’s better ways of going about it,” said the Reverend Billy Karma. “That’s why God invented two sexes.”

“You better check your biology textbooks again, Reverend,” said Big Red. “There’s worlds where the Good Lord created up to five sexes.”

“Don’t you believe it,” said Billy Karma.

“I’ve seen it,” said Big Red.

“Yeah?” said Billy Karma. “Well, I was talking about it with God just the other day, and He says He invented up to two and then stopped. Anything with more sexes than that was created by Satan just to confuse you.”

“If you think it confuses
me
, you ought to see
them
,” said Big Red with a chuckle.

“Might be an interesting study in group dynamics,” said O’Grady. “Put ’em all together on a cold night and—
WOW!
”

“Put ’em all together and wow?” repeated Big Red with a puzzled expression.

“The
WOW!
had nothing to do with the subject at hand,” said O’Grady as Silicon Carny walked in. “Well, only peripherally, anyway.”