The Perfect Emotion (17 page)

“I saw Kyle’s friends yesterday at Jamba Juice.   His best friend was there and he told Kyle that I was there.  Kyle called me and then texted me.  That’s it.”

“Fuck.  What happened with his friend?  Why would he tell Kyle where you were?”  He pauses and I can hear his breathing escalated.  Mine has too.  “God, if I get my hands on him again…”  Here again Kyle makes his way at the front of my life.  I hate that he is a constant issue that I have to confront.  But here in lies my issue, the fact that I don’t deal well with confrontation.  Even here now with Reed asking questions I clam up.  Deep down I know I don’t need to avoid Reed on any level, but it’s difficult to open up.  The words of my therapist come through about pushing myself to open up.  That over time it will all get easier.  I wonder though if my therapist realizes that the difficulty for me does not always lye with opening myself up, but more in the confrontation. 

“He thinks I owe Kyle something.  In the past he always sided with Kyle.”  I breathe in and out slowly.  “Reed, it’s fine though really.” 

“No, it’s not fine, far from it.”  I chew at my lip trying to find the right words, but I’d give anything to change the subject.  “God, Kate… I want to come down there and find him.  Kyle and his piece of shit friend.” 

“I’m sorry.  I don’t want you to feel like you have to protect me.  I hate that you are even involved in this at all again…”  My words trail off because I feel like we’ve been through this before.  Tears begin to prick my eyes and doubt creeps its way into me. 
Did I move too quickly into this with Reed?  Does Reed deserve more? 
Someone better?

“Listen to me, I know I don’t have to do anything.  And I’m involved because it involves you.  Don’t you get how I feel about you?  Anything that involves you is of concern to me.  Baby, I can’t stand the thought of Kyle being anywhere near you.  He’s lucky you didn’t press any charges and now he’s still harassing you.”  I’d do anything right now to be near him, to be able to look into his eyes.  His eyes would tell me everything.

“I wish I could see you, see your eyes.” 

“Damn Kate, you have no idea. I’m so tied up with this case and my dad this week. If I could I’d come down and see you right now I would.  This week is going to drag on much longer than I would like.”  I lye back down and sink my head into my goose feathered pillow pulling my old ratty childhood blanket to my chest. “I’m worried about you going out alone. The guy has no intuition for space and I’m afraid he won’t back off. Have you told your dad yet?”

“No, it honestly slipped my mind yesterday.  I’m thinking I should try and get a new cell number though and I’ll have to go through my dad to do that.  I just don’t want to ruin things.  Things have been really good in our house and it’s … just nice, ya know?”  I don’t know why I ask if he knows seeing as we’ve never really talked about how my mom left, but I know Maggie has told him a little.

“I definitely want you to get a new number, but I don’t know that is going to solve this. I can hear how hard this is for you and I hate it, but I want you to tell your dad today.  Or what about your mom?  How are things with your mom?”  I can hear the caution in his voice.

“Okay, I will, but maybe I should just meet with him in town and just ask him to stop.  And things are good with my mom.  Well, getting better.”  

“Katherine.”  The firmness in his tone causes my breath to hitch. “No, absolutely do not meet him, especially by yourself.  Please listen to me on this.  I’ll go deal with him before I’d let him near you again if that is what it takes.  And trust me I have no problems giving him a piece of my mind.”  I hate that we are having this conversation.  A rising feeling of panic burns up in my chest and I press my fingertips into my eyes to stop the stinging.  The lump in my throat is making it difficult for me to talk.  “Kate, I’m sorry I don’t mean to upset you.  It’s just that…”  He pauses and I can hear his breathing.  “It’s just the image of what happened last time is still in the front of my mind.  I don’t think I could handle it if something happened to you again.  I care about you so damn much.  More than I ever knew was possible.  These feelings I have for you are just so much more.”  There is that little word with big meaning. 
More.
 
He’s right this is more, more than I ever knew was possible either.

“Thank you.” I swallow past the lump and beg my eyes to stay dry. “Thank you for caring. And you are right this is more.”

We end the conversation with me agreeing that I’ll talk to my parents today about Kyle and getting a new cell number. Reed also asked me to file for a restraining order, but I just don’t think it’s to that point. I shudder at the thought of having to file a restraining order against Kyle. I never thought that this could be my life with Kyle. It’s hard to remember when and how things changed between us, how we got to this point. I press my eyes together tightly and the image of Kyle in a rage right before he sent me flying across the room flashes over me. Then in the next breath an image of Kyle spinning me around in a hug flits over my eyes. My mind can’t reconcile that these two personalities are the same person, Kyle. Even still after all this time and therapy. My head starts to throb and my breathing has turning into hyperventilation. I can’t stop it this time, so I do the only thing I know will help me.

“Mom!”  I call out and within a few moments she comes in my room.  Once she sees that I’m having a panic attack she reaches me and holds my hands counting in breaths with me. 
In and out.
 
In and out.
 
In and out.
 

C
HAPTER 13

After my breathing calms I let my mom hug me and hold me close to her.  Since her return this seems to be the only time I let her this close.  We’ve had the brief hugs each time she meets me for therapy, but not a deep, hold on tight kind of hug.  Whenever I have an attack though she paces herself until she pulls me in.  Both of us know that if she goes in too quickly I will back off all together.  After the panic subsides is when we latch onto each other.  It’s comforting, familiar and shared.  In those moments I know I need her just as much as she needs me though.  It’s a mutual and welcomed embrace.  It’s funny how easily I can turn to my mom out of sheer want to feel better and I know she wants nothing more than to do that for me. 

My mom brushes my hair from my face and plants a kiss on my cheek.  We are lying on my bed with me curled into her.  Our hair is falling over mixing with each others and I’m sure one might not be able to tell where each of ours starts and ends. 

“Better?” She gently asks.

“Yes, thank you,” I softly reply not ready to face the reason for the panic.

“Was that Reed?” Her tone is overly cautious and I hate that we still have to tread lightly around each other.

“Yes, but that’s not why.”  I pause and realize that I want to tell her what has happened.  It’s a natural feeling.  I’m eager for our closeness to return, but can’t help my constant caution to move too quickly with her.  Her fingers faintly run through my hair and over my forehead.  The rhythm and consistency lull me into calmness.  My breaths are easy and steady.  I lean back from her and pull myself up against the headboard of my bed, which causes our hold to break.  I don’t like the loss of contact, but then she holds onto my hand.

Taking a deep breath I tell her about the emails, texts and calls from Kyle since everything happened. I tell her about what happened yesterday morning with Johnny too. She stays gentle and soothing, which makes it all the easier to tell her. I tell her about Reed’s concern for me and that he wants me to get a new number. She never inquires as to what my relationship is with Reed. Eventually, I’ll tell her more about Reed again, but not right now. It’s too much…

She agrees that I need a new number and that she will talk to dad about everything today.  I know she is trying her best to keep her tone even, but I can hear the worry.  Like always, I feel relief after I let everything out. 

“Thanks, mom.”

“Sweetie, I’m sorry about all of this. We’ll make sure we figure it out together. I know that some of this is because I left.” She pauses for a small breath. “I’m sorry.” I don’t reply to her response because it’s the first time I think I’ve heard her mention that she left. We all know, but we never come out straight and say it. It’s in this moment that I realize that it’s not just me that is benefiting from the therapy. I’m not the only one healing and progressing.

The need for a run consumes me and my mom agrees, but tells me to come straight home afterwards this time.  I don’t disagree, but hate the feeling that I have to change my life just because of Kyle. 

That evening I’m up in my room when my dad gets home from work. I know my mom has told him about Kyle and that I need a new cell number. I wait to hear his steps come up the stairs as I pace between my closet and desk. I wonder if mom has told him about Reed calling. Initially, dad wouldn’t hear of Reed, but then once things calmed I was able to explain that Reed was only trying to protect me.  Dad’s slight grin didn’t go unnoticed when I told dad about how Reed had punch Kyle. The initial hatred he felt for both Kyle and Reed moved only towards Kyle. He certainly wasn’t ready for me to date though… he didn’t want me to date anyone. The noise of the stairs creaking was getting louder and I knew he’d come to my room first before changing out of his suit. I moved over to my bed and sat anxiously. The soft knock came and I replied softly for him to come in.

Dad had removed his suit coat, I’m sure it was hanging on a stool chair in the kitchen.  It’s funny though, when mom was gone he never did that, but now that she is back he fell into his habits easily.  Just like before she left she always takes his suit coat up later to be paired back up again with the pants.  She hangs them up even though she takes them to the dry cleaner the next day.

He walks more into my room and loosens his tie before he pulls out my desk chair to sit in front of me.  Running his hand over his jaw as he stretches his mouth out he locks his glassy eyes on me. The strain he feels is evident in the corners of his eyes.

“I’m sorry, dad,” I whisper with an even tone. His eyes tighten more and then squeeze shut as if in pain. Once they open he breathes in deeply.

“Katherine, sweetie, you have nothing to apologize for.  I’m just not sure what to do about this situation any more.  Has he approached you in person since the attack?”  It’s strange because I refer to the fight last semester as an incident and my dad says an attack.  The therapist probably agrees more strongly with my dad. 

“No, he’s pretty much just texted me or called me.  I never reply though.  He’s emailed too, but I always delete them.” 

“Okay, I’ve already changed your number while at work today.” He reaches into his pocket to get out a piece of paper. “Don’t give this to anyone other than your closest friends for now, especially anyone associated with Kyle.”

“I won’t.” I never did before, but it didn’t stop him from getting it. “Dad, I don’t think anything will happen. He just says he wants to talk to me, that he’s changed.”

“Katherine, that is not a chance I want you taking.  Do you understand me?  Under no circumstances should you meet him.”  I hate when my dad’s voice is stern and unwavering. It only makes me feel guilty for the worry I’ve caused him.

“I just wonder if it would make things easier on everyone and then it would be over.”

“No, it would not make it easier. The only one this needs to be easier for is you. Your safety and well-being is what I want, Katherine.” He pauses and then leans into his knees to take hold of my hands. “Listen, sweetie, I really think that maybe you should consider filing for a restraining order.”

“Dad, I am not doing that. I don’t think I could ever do that. I just want him to leave me alone.”

“I know and that would enforce that. It would be more as a cautionary thing. Just think about it. In the meantime, I’m going to see what else I can do.”

“Dad, I don’t want you to do anything or have to be involved. I hate this situation…” I don’t bother to continue knowing that I will only hurt my dad more. If I told him that I feel like I can’t move forward in my life because of this looming situation with Kyle it would break him. We sit there quietly for a moment with dad holding my hands. Then he stands up pulling me up to him. He hugs me and kisses the top of my head.