The Perfect Emotion (14 page)

Then I see that I have another text and my heart drops.

Kate, please answer me. I want to see you this week. Kyle

I don’t panic, but I don’t like the way this makes me feel.  Part of me is afraid that if I keep ignoring him he’ll start up like he did last semester with the endless texts and calls.  There is no way I want to see him, but I wonder if that is the only way this will stop and he will move on.  If he’s changed that is good, but I won’t be the one to find out if he has or not.  I told him I was done and I meant it, but it is still painful to remember my history with Kyle.  It’s even more painful to remember that night at the party.  My breathing picks up and I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them.  Burying my head into my knees I talk myself out of panicking …
breath in and out, in and out. 

“Hey, do you have an extra toothbrush I can have?”  Luckily, he doesn’t see me because he is still in the bathroom.  I tell him that I have extra in the medicine cabinet and to help himself.  While he’s still in there I try to pull myself together… remembering Reed telling me not to doubt him quickly rids my mind of the Kyle. 

When he comes out I make my way over to get in the bathroom to freshen up.  Before I sneak in though, Reed brings me to him and kisses my temple.  He pulls at the tight fabric of my leggings and whispers, “Thank you” in my ear. 

After I finish in the bathroom I walk out to see Reed sitting with my cell phone in his hands.  The last thing on my screen was Kyle’s text.  While I’m a little worried as to why he is looking in my phone I’m even more concerned about what he saw. It’s not that I’m trying to blatantly hide this from him, but I don’t know that I was ready to discuss it right now.

“What are you doing?” I ask cautiously.

“Not what you think. I was just going to attach my number to a song that makes me think of you.”

“What did you see?”

“I saw the text. That is what my question was going to be about last night. When’s the last time you saw or talked to him?” His jaw is tight and I can hear him grinding his teeth. One of his hands has moved to his side and is clenched in a fist. I really don’t want to talk about this, but I know it’s unavoidable.

“I haven’t seen or talked to him since the hospital, but…”

“But what?”

“It’s nothing really.” My eyes have lowered down to my feet and I’m worried he’s mad with me. “I don’t want you mad, you look angry right now.”

“Shit, I’m sorry, no.  Come here.”  He opens his arms and I willingly flee to them.  I’m desperate to know he’s not upset with me.  I lean into him and he takes me on his lap with our arms linked around each other.  “I’m just worried is all.  I know that night was worse for you, but it affected me too.  And after I tortured myself for weeks with thoughts of the worst-case scenario…  God, even if you never came back to me I still would never want you back with Kyle.”

“I never went back to him and I never plan to.” 

C
HAPTER 10

It’s a comfortable silence in the car with my mom going south towards Chicago.  This is the first time in a while that the anger I usually feel towards her is minimalized.  The sun is shining brightly and it’s one of those random days in March where you thank the weather forecasters for being right.  I lean back against the seat thinking of Reed.  Our goodbye was difficult for both of us.  He had wanted to come down and meet my mom when she got there, but I told him I wasn’t ready.  Understanding was all that I could see pass over his face.  We kissed passionately and he promised to call me daily.  He made me promise to not see Kyle and I assured him I had no intentions of that.  I could see the uneasy feeling he was carrying on the subject though.  Before we parted he made me promise that if anything else happened with Kyle to tell my parents and him.  Pressing his lips to my forehead he explained that he didn’t trust him and these recent texts made him nervous.  I tried my best to reassure him that it was okay, but the way his brows creased made it clear this was really a worry for him.  I hated how Kyle still managed to be at the forefront of my life. 

Before we parted his long fingers enveloped my pinky while his lips brushed against mine once more.  His tongue licked over my top and back down across my bottom then slid in between and gently coaxed my tongue to mingle with his.  It was slow and a familiar desire began to stir in me.  I hummed into him with a moan and he pulled back with a smile.  His free hand guided my ear to his lips and he whispered sweet nothings that sent a rush of sensation throughout my body.

“Katherine.” He paused as if waiting for my full attention. “You’re MY beautiful girl and soon when the time is right I’ll show you just how I remember every inch of your beautiful body.”

“But now is not the right time?” I whispered against his chest.

“No, you wouldn’t want it right now trust me.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because right now we are going to be separated for the week and I’m going to be really busy working. I won’t be able to give you the attention you deserve. Plus, I feel like I just got you back and I’m not about to risk losing you again.”

“Oh.” 

I open my eyes to see my mom pulling off the freeway. The sun is momentarily blinding me. I shift away from the window and straighten myself up. Rubbing at my eyes I yawn as I arch my back.

“I thought we’d do a little shopping at the outlet mall before we head home. Is that okay?” My mom asks with the same cheeriness to her voice that it usually has.

“Sure, I could use a couple new tennis skirts.” I feel my heart flutter thinking about how Reed likes my tennis skirts.

We shop through the different stores and it all feels very normal.  We comment on clothing and tell each other if we like something or if we don’t.  I try to pay for the things I want to get, but she pays for everything.  I have a little spending money that I saved from when I work for my dad.  After a few hours we decide to head home. 

I haven’t been home since right before I left for the semester. A rush of anxiety spills over my chest about being back at home. I remind myself of the changes I’ve made and the progress I’ve made with my mom. Instead of letting the panic rise in me I make a mental list of how the week will go. First on the list is to continue bonding with my mom. Then I need to talk to my dad about the house me and the girls want to get for next year. I’d like to live up in Milwaukee over the summer in the house with some of the girls. Then I could catch up on the classes I didn’t get to finish, maybe even get a part time job. Lastly, I need to tell my dad more about Reed. It’s important that I keep myself open and not suppress any feelings I have. I know my dad feels I’m too fragile still to handle too much, but I’m stronger than I ever thought I was in a lot of ways.

“Katherine, I don’t want you taking on too much this semester. Are you sure you won’t consider staying home and going to community college? I, I… just want to make sure you have time to heal. I don’t want you putting too much pressure on yourself. I realize I’m probably to blame for some of that.” His brows furrowed together and he ran a hand over his face. I shifted in my chair and my eyes looked down at the table.

“Dad, stop please. I can’t put my life on hold because I didn’t cope and deal with … with my life.”

“That is not your fault and I’m so sorry, sweetie.”  This is not the first time I’ve glanced at my dad’s eyes in more recent times and seen them glassy and teary.  A recognizable lump begins to make it difficult to swallow. 

“I promise I’m okay and I’ll continue to be okay.”  I reach over and rest my hand on his arm.  “But I have to keep moving forward.” 

Once we get back to the house dad is there waiting for us.  He’s outside on the patio with the grill fired up.  This is his specialty.  He loves to grill and he’s good at it.  He doesn’t really cook otherwise, but as soon as the weather is nice out he’s out there every night.  Often he has his old-fashioned radio or boom box, as he’ll refer to it from some odd 30 years ago, with the White Sox baseball game on.  He even wears an apron that says Grill Master.  As soon as I see him I smile and start to crack a laugh out.  I smile even bigger when I see the smile my mom has plastered across her face as she takes in the sight of him grilling.  His eyes meet hers briefly and then crease with the smile he gives me.  Mom looks back at me before she heads to the fridge to pull condiments out.

“Go, he’s anxious to see you.” She gently brushes my shoulder and her face lights up.

Once I get out there I see Daniel kicking a soccer ball around, unless he is on an electronic that kid doesn’t sit still.  I sneak up behind him and swoop around to kick the ball from his feet.  He chases me yelling “Kate” and I laugh at the change in his voice.  I stop and turn and then kick it back to him and ask him how he’s doing.  I tease him about his girlfriend and he turns away to kick after the ball. 

I walk up to the grill to take a peak and am happy to see that dad is making his famous juicy burgers.  They are my favorite. Then I turn to give him a hug.  He takes me in his arms and squeezes tightly.

“How’s my girl? I’ve missed you.”

“Good dad, thanks.  I’ve missed you too.”

We talk about my classes and he gives me some tips about some of my accounting classes. Then I decide to tackle one of the things on my mental list. I ask him about getting a house with the girls for next year; however I leave out about moving in there this summer. He says he’ll think about it and come up after break to check it out. I breathe out and feel that consistent feeling of relief that floods me every time I don’t hold back. These are small steps in my progress. I don’t meet with the therapist this week, but I know I have to continue to push myself forward.

I sit outside with dad until he finishes grilling.  The sun is setting now, which means the air has turned cool.  Mom has set up the breakfast counter as a buffet with condiments and a couple salads she’s made.  We all pile our plates up and sit at the kitchen table just like we used to.  Dad cracks open a beer and I’m relieved to see mom is drinking coke just like me and Daniel. 

In therapy we’ve talked a little about how she turned to drinking and narcotics. It’s really difficult for me to comprehend this about my mom. I never saw her drink and neither did my dad.  She was functional as the doctor has said until she couldn’t function any longer.  Then she fled… away from my dad, Daniel and
me
. 

After we’ve finished eating I help my mom clean up and dad heads outside to clean his grill.  Daniel is sitting in the family room texting with his girlfriend probably.  Once everything is cleaned up I head upstairs to bring my bags up. 

Slowly, I open the door to my bedroom and sigh for a moment. This room has a mixture of happy and sad memories. I try not to think about how depressed I got after I came back here last year. I drop my bags and start to unpack my toiletries. Then I start to hear a song coming from my phone. I reach into my purse to pull it out and see Reed’s number lit across the screen. My heart jumps. The song is familiar, but I can’t quite name it. It’s older, but I’m sure I’ve heard it before, probably from my dad. Before I slide my finger across to answer I hear the beautiful strum of the guitar and the words…

You know there's nowhere else

I've wanted to be

Than be there when you need me

“Hi,” I say softly.

“I miss you.” Reed’s voice has a raspy and deep sound to it. I can’t stop my heart from fluttering rapidly at the sound of his words. A blush creeps up and settles on my cheeks. My breath hitches and I move one of my cool hands to press it against one of my cheeks. “I’m imagining your blush right now.” He says on a deep throaty chuckle.

“How do you know?” 

“It was a good guess, but I love when you blush. As a matter of fact I strive to make you blush as often as I can.”