The Perfect Emotion (15 page)

“Hmmm.  Well, I miss you too,” I pause for a moment to gain some courage to confess my next confession.  “You were right too?”

“About?”

“Waiting.”

“Waiting for what, Katherine? I want to hear you say it.” I know I’m turning bright red now.

“You know,” I whisper.

“Say it anyway.” He pleads and for some reason a tingly sensation grips me in my gut as I press my legs together.

“You were right to make us wait to… you know, have sex again.”  My chest is tight, but I force a breath out, as I hold the phone crushingly tight in my hand against my ear.

“Mmmm, it’s not what I wanted trust me, but I’m already missing you too damn much. That would only intensify it.” I agree, but I don’t respond. Embarrassment and a little anticipation about the possibility fill my mind. I bite down on the bottom corner of my lip for a moment and then release my lip to talk again.

“What song is that?”

“It’s called
Closer to You
by
The Wallflowers
. It’s an older song, but the words make me think of you.”

“I’ve heard of them. I think my dad liked them. Isn’t the singer Bob Dylan’s son?”

“Yeah, I’m impressed. I can play it on guitar.”

“Really?  Do you sing too?”

“A little, but I’m not very good. I prefer to just strum the cords. I’ll show you sometime.”

“I’d like that.”

We continue our conversation and talk about what we did for the day.  I tell him all about my dad’s famous burgers.  He listens intently never asking more than I want him to.  When things progress and I feel comfortable I’ll tell him more about my family life.  Although, I’m sure Maggie has clued him in a little while I was absent.  We begin to wrap up our conversation and my chest tightens. 

“God, I don’t want to say good night to you.  What are you doing to me, Kate?”  He asks and I honestly hear the wonderment in his tone.  It’s the same for me.

“I’m not sure, but I think we feel the same.”

“Good. I can’t put it into words yet, but it’s just
more
.”

“More?” I question him.

“Yes, more.”

“Okay, good night Reed… until more.”

We hang up and I hug my phone to my chest.  More?  For the first time I admit that is exactly what I want. 
More.

C
HAPTER 11

The Crabapple tree that reaches my bedroom window has been there since I was born, blows against the glass causing a continuous tapping noise.  Birds chirp louder than I would like, but I don’t mind.  I stretch out and look at my clock to see it’s about eight.  My mind thinks of Reed first and his sweet words.  Then I think of where I am… home.  Strangely, I feel happy to be home and know that when I go downstairs my mom will be there, as well as my dad.  It’s a good feeling; one I’ve missed.

Before I head downstairs I put on my running clothes eager for the burn and strenuous activity. I brush my hair out, put a headband in and tie it back. I reach for my phone and see a text from Reed. My heart thumps faster as I quickly click to view it.

Already thinking of u.
  Hope u have a g
ood day beautiful girl. Reed

This makes a great start to my day. 

Thx, I’m thinking of u too, wishing we could meet on the courts. Katherine

Not more than a few seconds go by that I get a response.

Now I’m thinking of u in a tennis skirt… mmm. Reed

Before I can type out my response another text pops up from him.

If u go promise me you’ll wear pants
underneath.  I can’t bear the thought of anyone else seeing your long, toned and tan legs. ;)  Reed

I suppress a giggle as flutters expand in my belly and chest.

I just bought 2 new ones… I’ll save them for u though. 
Going for a run now.
 
TTYL Katherine

I’m about to head down, but then I hear a ping for another text. I glance at the screen and hesitate to click into the text. My chest tightens and I hold my breath.

R u home?
 
Pls tell me when and where we can meet. Kyle

Normally a rush of fear would flood through me, but I don’t feel that at all. I just feel angry. This is getting ridiculous. The last time I communicated in any way with Kyle was in October last year. I don’t want this to ruin my progress or my time home. I delete the text and head down to eat breakfast with my family.

I’m running down along the lake and the cool air hitting my damp face feels refreshing.  There’s a sting to it, which just pushes me to run longer.  I love getting lost in the scenery, the burn running through my legs, and the music blaring in my ears.  Of course, I loaded the full version of
Closer to You
by
The Wallflowers
and the words are really touching.  I’m picturing Reed with a guitar with his fingers strumming the strings.  The thought gives me a warm feeling inside and wondering where he learned to play.  We still have a lot to learn about each other and I’m more eager than ever to move forward.  A part of me is still hesitant to reveal my true self and all my feelings.  Opening myself up means there is a possibility of getting hurt or left behind.  More than that though, the fear of telling Reed everything from after I left him last semester is greater.  It gets me thinking about all the things that we don’t know about each other still.  There is still so much that I need to explain to him.  I’m grateful for his patience though.  Slowing my run down, as I reach the lot I parked in, I force my mind to slow my worrying thoughts.  Instead I pace myself and remember how it feels when Reed has me in his arms… safe.

There’s a Jamba Juice in town that I take a detour to before going back home.  It is still windy out, but the sun is warming up the day.  I take my fleece off and head in to order my shot of wheat grass and a smoothie. After I place my order I sit off to the side to wait checking my email. I freeze in the stool when I hear a laugh and voice I know well echo through the store.  A prickle runs up my spine.  Cautiously, I glance up and see a crowd of guys, but am relieved when I don’t see Kyle.  I do, however, see Johnny placing an order.  Johnny is Kyle’s best friend and I have no clue what he knows of my relationship with Kyle.  I’ve never had a problem with Johnny, but he could cause problems between Kyle and me.  He knew exactly how to push Kyle’s buttons, which didn’t take much.  Making a rash decision I decide that I should try to sneak out without talking to him.  It’s crowded enough in here that I might be able to make it out… until I hear my name called from behind the counter.  The guy behind the counter has my wheat grass shot and orange slice waiting. 

“Kate,” he calls again and everyone in Johnny’s group looks around.  I pull my hair out from my tie and try to hide my face as I make my way over. 

I reach the counter and do my shot, but I can hear the chatter behind me.

“Shit, is that Kyle’s Kate up there?” One guy from Kyle’s class says too loudly and I wince from being referred to as Kyle’s Kate. I grip the counter and keep my gaze looking behind the counter.

“Kate Monroe?” I hear Johnny ask and now I’m forced to turn around. Slowly, I shift myself to face the group. Pressing my lips together firmly to keep myself from chewing through my lip I search for Johnny’s face. When our eyes connect he cocks his head and clicks his tongue, it’s cocky and just like Johnny. I smile weakly and wave my hand up insecurely.

“Hey, Johnny,” I muster out.

“Well, dang girl, look at you.  Seriously, you look hotter every time I see you.”  Normally, when Johnny talks to me like this it doesn’t bother me, but this is different. 

“How are you?” I try to change the subject and wave to the other guys. It’s funny in all the years I had been around Kyle and his friends I really only ever got to know Johnny.

“I’m great, especially now that I’m seeing you.  Kyle’s going to flip when I tell him I saw you.”   I straighten myself and broaden my shoulders.  I can’t be positive that Kyle hasn’t told Johnny everything even though it sounds like he knows enough.  Johnny’s seen things in the past and has never gotten involved.  He always stayed by Kyle’s side even when it was blatantly obvious that Kyle was in the wrong.  After the fight we had at his party at the end of Winter break last year he never wavered from Kyle’s side and would often make comments about how I need to give Kyle a break.

This past summer had ended and I was committed to Kyle.  School had started up and things had started off smoothly.  Gradually, Kyle’s temperament began to change.  His old ways became apparent and his fits of jealousy and anger had only increased since I was back at school.  I wasn’t caving to his every demand like my old self, but I was beginning to see myself waver from my new self… it often felt easier to cave into Kyle rather than stand my ground. 

It was the third weekend in September and I reluctantly came home for a visit.  It was an argument between us though.  I wasn’t ready to come back after only having just been home for
Labor
Day weekend.  The girls all had a lot of fun plans that I wanted to be in on.  In the end I came home.  As soon as I got home on Friday evening Kyle was waiting in the driveway and a feeling of dread fell upon me.  I tried to hide my emotions when I got out and he hugged me, but my body tensed in his arms.  This wasn’t the start of my unease toward Kyle, but it was the first time I really considered breaking things off for good.

The next morning I woke early to get a run in and sure enough he was at my house waiting for my return.  He was hanging out with Daniel throwing around a football, which always made Kyle more desirable.  I could never deny that he was good with Daniel and that they had formed a relationship aside from me. 

Two things happened that day that had altered my changing heart even more.  The first was that once I was back from my run Kyle met me in the house.  As I was downing my water, he grabbed me from behind and began to kiss my neck.  Daniel was still outside and my dad was in his office.  I pulled away from his arms and tried to cover up my lack of desire for him by saying I needed a shower.  Before I could linger on his disappointed look I shrugged and headed towards the stairs. 

Once I got in my room my phone began to ring and I happily answered it when I saw it was Derek.  Once Derek and I had moved past the hurdle of not dating we became friends, good friends.

“Hey!” I answered in my chipper voice.

“Hey Kate, how’s it going?”

“Good, just got back from a run and was about to hop in the shower. What are you up to?”

“Brandon and I are just hanging out with the girls for breakfast and … we, uh, this is an attempt to get you to come back up here tonight.” I could
specifically hear Maggie’s loud voice in the background begging me to come back.  “
Shh, guys I can’t even hear her.” He laughs before he continues and I’m smiling just as if I’m right there with them all. “What do you say? Brandon said, I could come down and get you even.”

“Really?
 
Argh
, I want to, but I don’t think I can… I just, shoot…” I hear my door start to creak open and I see Kyle standing there with a stern look.  “Hold on, Derek.”  I pull the phone down and press it against my chest to cover the
mic
. 

“Who is Derek?” Kyle asked.

“What?  I’ll be down in a minute Kyle.”  I said avoiding his question.  I didn’t have anything to hide I knew, but I was really annoyed by his accusatory tone.